When a pleasurable and intimate activity is always shared with one person ( e.g., a wife) to the exclusion of anyone else, that both indicates a closeness and causes further closeness [siman & siba]. If this activity is also experienced with others (or even a person alone) - in the past or the present - then it reduces both the specialness and the intensity of the experience with the wife.

I often illustrate this with the following true story. When I was about 19, a younger bochur who recently arrived in the yeshiva and who I had never met came into the bais medrash and sat next to me. He then proceeded to pour his heart out regarding very personal family issues he was struggling with. Initially, I was flattered that he somehow sensed that I was the right person to speak to, confirming my recent decision to become a therapist. Unfortunately, the next day I discovered that he poured his heart out to anyone who would listen. This certainly made his interaction with me much less meaningful.

Masturbation (and pornography) establishes sexual pleasure as not related to an intimate relationship. This reduces the potency of physical intimacy in marriage to be an exclusive and powerful tool in cementing the relationship.

Secular therapists (and some frum ones too, unfortunately) used to believe that the only possible objection to pornography (and masturbation) is a religious belief. More recently, therapists and marriage counselors have written articles in professional journals on how these activities often cause sexual dysfunction in marriage.

I completely reject the idea that any yid who uses shmutz (fantasy) and hz"l once in a while is "an addict". As far as I am concerned, that is ridiculous. The badness of the aveira does not convert in into an addiction - at least per the 1st of the 12 steps that I know of.

An addict is unable to stop - his track record eventually teaches him this -hopefully before creating too much wreckage and destroying too many other people's lives. He (or she) is also suffering a great deal at the hands of the compulsion. Life is often looking acceptable on the outside, but truly nuts on the inside. And they are the only ones who can possibly decide whether or not they are addicts.

I have never met any guy who admitted he was an addict who got better by getting married. Maybe there are some, but I rather believe that this is often what happens to them:

Crazy over lust, they get married and drive their wives batty with lust demands for decades. This remains behind closed door. No one finds out about it...until they finally give up either because their wives are tired of the disgusting idea of being treated as an 'receptacle' for their husbands to act out all their fantasies - or the husband himself soon discovers that his poor, innocent wife cannot compete with the fantasy-woman (or women) burned into his heart.

The real success stories are of the men who are either addicts and in recovery, or were never addicts in the first place and grew up a bit after getting married. They learned what real life is like and let go of the childish fantasies - unlike myself. I did not do that. And here I am, totally unable to win the battle and yet sober today for the past 14 years, by His Chessed.

"According to the Ba'al Shem Tov, every process of tikun (repair, rectification) that we undergo must follow through three stages: submission (hachna'ah), separation (havdalah) and sweetening (hamtakah).

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.