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Shalom Rabbosia- tough day today. My son was sick the entire night and I stayed up with him for most of the night. I woke up late and felt that aimlessness – my wife dropped him off at Gan and ran off to work – and just felt aimless. What now? I can’t be late to learning – but I can’t keep my eyes open.

Normally, my response would have been to escape my aimlessness by acting out – a way of being able to say that I was helpless, and hence escape the decision.

Instead, I said that I am an adult. And I will make a decision. I will go to sleep until 10:30, then I will go to Yeshiva. But what will I tell my chavrusa? aimlessness. Doubt… I will tell him I was up with my son and couldn’t open my eyes.

Hmmmm. Not so aimless anymore. Ok, I can do that.

I slept until 10:30. Felt better. Went to Yeshiva. Told my chavrusa what happened. I learned well until lunch and went to sleep again. The end.

I feel like there’s some major lesson here for me. Often I act-out out of not knowing what to do next, or feeling that whatever I will do – it will be meaningless – or ineffective. Hmmmm.

It is not the woman's body, her face or whatever that is the problem - the problem is in me. So I need to ask Him to help me with me. With what my priorities are and to help adjust what it is that I find precious in this world.

I might ask Him to please give me what it is that I am really seeking in the image of that woman. That is, the real fulfillment and connection that is actually to Him. He's gotta be where all the beauty, love, and pleasure is - cuz he made it! Now this idea may sound bizarre to some, but it is simple. "Li hakesef v'li hazohov omar Hashem tzvo'os" is the nechoma He gives to the money-hungry - "Don't worry, I've got it all right here - for you!"...well, how about for those who crave what we do - it's our currency. Does He have that? Sure he does!

This may not work nor make any sense at all for a normal Jew who is having a tayvoh for some schmutz. It feels nice and he wants it, period. He may not be after anything remotely resembling "no'am Hashem". But paradoxically, for addicts - chronic users, who are repeatedly and cyclically duped by this garbage (like my story here!) and obviously have lost control over it - we are lost. We are so far past cheit that we have come out the other side: it has become a 'higher power' for us. Sort of like a god. An obsession - like the way Jews are supposed to feel about Hashem! - obsessed and in love with Him (as the RMB"M clearly puts it in hilchos De'os, (I closely paraphrase) "the way a man is infatuated and even crazy in love with his woman".

The program I know is all about the fact that we addicts need to take the same wires and turn them around: replace lust with what it now most closely resembles for us: connection to G-d and His Will, His sweet love for us. We take action to replace our overpowering need for connection with people (in sex with self, and with them), with being of service to others. Being useful and getting busy with real life - what we like to run away from a lot.

We need a lot of help to do that.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.