Staying sober, single or married
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1799  
In Today's Issue
Sayings: Staying sober
Announcements: Talks for Spouses and Couples
Practical Tips: Segulah for Teshuvah
Announcements: A booklet on Shmiras Habris in English
Daily Dose of Dov: Giving It Up - Even Though We Can't
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"It is easier to stay sober than to get sober."
Talks for Spouses and Couples

Are you a married sexaholic? Or maybe you are married to a sexaholic?

Sexaholism/Sex addiction is a family disease and both spouses can benefit from recovery experience of others.

We have put together a handful of recordings, addressing the family and marital issues of this pernicious disease, both from GYE veterans Dov and Miriam and from addiction experts Rabbis Twerski and Taub.

Practical Tips
Segulah for Teshuvah
By GYE Member

A while back, I met with Rav Nasan Maimon who taught me something from his Rebbe, Rabbi Michel Dorfman, zt'l. He taught me in the name of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov that if one wants to repent he should accustom himself to recite Psalms daily. (5 a day and you can finish the whole book monthly). V'Ele Shemot Bnei Yisrael Habaim - The last letters of each of these words make the word Tehillim (Psalms) the continuation of the verse Mitzraima Et Yaakov Ish UBeito - the last letters of these words is Teshuva. Rebbe Nachman teaches that this is a sign that reciting Tehillim helps a person do Teshuvah. (Hishtapchut HaNefesh)

I can attest to the fact that since I started the practice of reciting 5 perakim of Tehillim a day, I have found that I am able to tap into internal resources that I didn't even know existed to come closer to Hashem and to do Teshuva on past Aveirot.

Unlike many Segulot which act like a key to get what you want, say this and you will be blessed with money, children etc. This method helps a person gain the tools and access the ability to improve himself, get closer to Hashem and as several Sefarim bring down every person's life is in Tehillim so it can as well help a person "find themselves and their mission in this world".

It is truly amazing. Especially powerful when working so hard to keep Shemirat HaEinayim, Shemirat HaMachshava and Shemirat HaBrit.

A booklet on Shmiras Habris in English

Disclaimer: This booklet will likely not help for real addicts, but it can be helpful for normal people who struggle with these issues. Particularly helpful may be the section on page 36 called "Helpful Advice".

A booklet on Shmiras Habris in English, based on Chazal and on the teachings of Rav Nachman of Breslov.

Daily Dose of Dov
Giving It Up - Even Though We Can't
Dov discusses the 1st Step (of the 12)
By Dov

Our acting-out our own lust ends up becoming the very source of our refuah, itself. Of course, it starts out being our very best, most precious best friend - even though we also hate it - and we protect it vigilantly with our lies, hiding, faking being decent frum guys. In the meantime, we struggle all on our own in secret. The reason we stick with that method is really because while we have so much shame about admitting it to anyone, we also have so much pride that we still fantasize that we can beat it (can any idea be more hair-brained?). We also keep it private to protect it! Secrecy allows the fox (us) to keep guarding the henhouse (our habit)! That way we are guaranteed to fail - or to cut-and-run as soon as we taste some success - and still be able to keep our sweet precious lust friend. And it really is sweet and precious to us all, and you and I both know it. Right?

But as time goes on and we get into more pain and more trouble from our acting out, it eventually stops being such a good friend, and the familiar bitterness grows. Lust and sex with self (and others) stops working for us so well. That is when we have a chance at actually playing the 'brave apikoress' and betraying our sweet friend. We start to consider giving it up! Not 'stopping' or 'quitting' - we have all done that hundreds of times, right? But at this point, we are becoming ready to give it up. Until then, our tefilos (with tears!) to Hashem were actually cowardly and we meant: "Hashem, take it away so that I will not have to suffer giving it up...cuz I really can't imaging living without it. So please, please help me!" That does not work. We do not get progressive freedom that way, do we? Our acting out itself leads us to this stage. As an alkie once said: I needed every drink I took, in order to bring me to this point, to my knees.

Giving it up - surrender - is completely different than anything we tried to do, before. We sadly recognize that surrendering our habit will take a miracle. We will need G-d, for a change. Yeah, till now we had 'emunah', faith, whatever...but we never really trusted Him with the whole job. This time, we know we cannot do a thing about our problem without His help. Without His direct help, we will fail, guaranteed. These are not just words, you know, like the 'words' we all say about "having bitachon in Hashem to help with our parnossah and depending on Him..." the party line we all believe in. This is for keeps and is either real and it works - or it is still fakerai, and it doesn't. And it will take a lot of help to keep us on that derech. We will need His help through people. Changing a habit of years that also has hormones behind it and a culture, porn food, and a well-practiced fantasy engine will not be something in the realm of human possibility at all. We will need help. And I know dozens of people - Jews and gentiles, educated and religious and uneducated and unimpressed with spirituality - who are sober. Hashem helps us and does what we cannot do for ourselves.

The first part of the first step is the inner giving up of our fight and agreeing to get help cuz our own track record proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are losers when it comes to lust. We admit we cannot successfully enjoy and control it, as we were so sure we could for so very long. It's tragic for us, indeed, really. But it's the truth. Now, this is not a mitzvah of some sort. I feel strongly that recovery is not a religion nor is it a place for dogma. There is nothing 'righteous' about coming to this admission, so we need not try to convince anyone that they are powerless. Not even ourselves! Either we believe it is true, or we do not. There is no 'advantage' to being powerless - recognizing the truth is advantageous, that's it.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit (Hebrew: / Yiddish:

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit

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