The Shiltei Giborim on Meseches Shabbos writes a famous remez to Chanuka found in parshas Mikeitz, וטבוח טבח והכן, the word ‹vehachen› and the ches from the word ‹tevach› spell Chanuka. Last year, my daughter found another remez, where Yehuda says ונלכה ונחיה, the last two letters of ‹venailaichah› and the first three of the word ‹venichye› spell Chanuka.

Possibly, a way to understand this remez and how it can be a message for us:

Chazal say that certain areas need an approach of שמאל דוחה וימין מקרב.
A person must be able to pace himself, to constantly strive for higher and better, yet at the same time to appreciate and consolidate the progress made thus far. Chanuka is a lashon of chinuch, training. We constantly train ourselves. Sometimes, we need to apply a dose of טבוח טבח והכן, meaning what we did was not satisfactory, and it is only a preparation. At other times, we need a dose of ונלכה ונחיה, meaning we are on the right track and we are attaining true life.

We cannot afford to run from our lust, just as we cannot afford to give-in to it. We run to G-d and let Him take care of it for us - or we'll never get better at all. And we often learn just how to run to G-d, by running to people (other addicts) and shamelessly sharing my worst garbage with them in order to surrender our lust. A baby has little, if any, shame having his parent clean him up because he cannot do it himself yet. I cannot clean up my own mess, either.

It's kind of funny, I know. In some ways I need to see myself as very, very low (plainly see my selfishness and get comfortable admitting it; not perceive any of my 'gedarim' as 'holiness' but rather as enlightened self-interest that has nothing to do with kedusha at all - [maybe with venishmartem?]; see my need to avoid schmutz not because I need to be holy, but because I am too ill and messed up to be able to tolerate the 'luxury' of that pleasure - it will ruin me, etc.)....

But at the very same time, I cannot allow myself just to 'believe' in Hashem. I need to live with Him. I need to talk to Him practically all day long. My relationships with people cannot be two-faced or to get from them. Now, for a normal yid, I think these things are seen as extra - a madreiga. Fine. Although the sifrei mussar say that such things are obligatory for every yid....few make it so - and fewer need it to be so. I do, and it is because I am sicker and needier than most yiddin, not better than them.

This last paragraph from Dov reminds me of an article that Rabbi Shais Taub sent me recently. It can be seen here.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.