The man in my office was beside himself. He had been seeing me for the past few weeks and made significant strides in recovering from his porn addiction. His path was not easy, but nevertheless rewarding – he had to face brutal realizations about himself and re-order his life. Despite all the progress, he was in grave danger of back sliding because a rebbe of his whom he admired for years was caught up in a sex scandal. My client was in shock, and angry. He exclaimed, “This was a man whom I admired and was my role model. He wrote sefarim and was a world famous halachic authority! How could he do this to us?” I reminded him that the recent positive choices he began to make were not to make his rebbe happy, and nor even merely to make G-d happy, but rather, to engender a more emotionally balanced lifestyle for himself and his family. Truly, he saw how his addictive behavior was ruining his life and his relationships. The rewards of an emotionally balanced lifestyle are intrinsic and he need not let another person’s failures or hypocrisy distract him from his resolve.

Elya Responds:

Moshe,

Do as your wife wants for now. Don't go Tuesday night. Show her she can begin to trust you again. Set a boundary with her that you will not go to meetings when she needs you to help her. You need to find out exactly what and when that is and schedule around it so you're both satisfied. Also, how does your wife know what you discuss in the meetings? Is she assuming or are you telling her? Don't tell her any details about what is discussed. You're not violating HER privacy, you're healing from your shame, guilt and anger. You need to run your program and let her run hers. She needs to go to S-Anon meetings and see how others deal with their husbands. But if she wants to know the truth, have her call my wife. If G-d forbid you had a fatal disease would your wife say you shouldn't take medicine because everyone will know your business? I would hope not. Meetings are the medicine to recover from this. PERIOD. You can manage for a week or two. Make some phone calls to people in the meeting every day, or call me. You can still journal, read the book, work the steps, talk to your sponsor. It is more important to spend time WORKING the steps than going to meetings.

It is not worth breaking up your marriage if you can switch meetings. Your recovery is priority #1 but not at the expense of divorce. I know your sponsor disagrees, but he should be willing for at least a few weeks to talk with you each day and maybe meet during a time that your wife does not need you.

Let me know what happens.

Elya

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I've been seeing the therapist (that you suggested) for a while; B"H we have a good repertoire and have been dealing a lot with core issues. We've spoke about acting out and the like; he's been on top of it and we've been using both hypnosis and practical methods. B"H I am down to mast* only like once a week - sometimes even less. And we've managed to totally disconnected it from lust.

And remember how I used to kvetch about my eshes chayil (that maybe if she was only prettier I would have less of an issue)? Yeah, well that's pretty much gone. She's beautiful. Now I finally see my addiction for what it really is - a "stress coping mechanism" (or just an all-around coping mechanism). That I owe directly to my therapist and his analysis of what the heck I wanted. My learning, my marriage, my "giving capability" and my ability to cope with life are all much much much better. I feel very hopeful.

The other day my wife's computer fuzzed out and I had to erase everything. Including the filter. But my neighbor has unfiltered internet over Wifi! My wife was asleep in the next room. I gritted my teeth - and excuse my French - said to H* with you, not today! And I woke her up. She wandered out, sleepy - whaah? - and I downloaded K9 and made her put in a password and sent her to bed. And I smiled. When I do act out these days, it is must less "lustful", but p**n means death. Period. End of story.

Thanks for everything!,

P.S. I hope to join Duvid Chaim's calls on his next time through the 12-Steps, hopefully starting in a few weeks!

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.