Dear GYE,

Thank you for the wonderful work you do. You have been providing hungry souls like me with the nutrition and encouragement to keep going and keep climbing. I am eternally grateful and pray for your compounding success.

My journey was nothing short of a miracle. In the beginning, I felt it's time for me to lift off and leave the bad habit behind.

I set up a routine that I decided to stick to no matter what. I knew that I needed positive and successful habits so that the days Hashem gives me would be filled with good fruits.

Throughout the day I would pay attention to my emotions and feelings and try to be as focused, relaxed and happy as I can be. I strive to work on my goals, which are to be successful in my field of work.

I have printed my daily disciplines and mark them off every evening. I believe goal setting and successful discipline create and build character and resiliency, persistence, and perseverance, and these are essential traits to breaking free. G-d truly gave me the gift of discipline and I put my faith in Him to direct my steps in His path.

Dear whatever-your-name-really-is,

There are many, many frum families I have firsthand knowledge of (including my own) that were restored through recovery. The sex therapist you speak of might be a help, I do not know. I never went to one. Even though my addiction is all about the use of porn, obsessive fantasy and telephone shmutz, following women and other things of that nature, my problem is not a sexual one. Certainly I have sexual problems, but that is not the doorway I need to walk through to get well. My issue is that I am an addict.

I am an addict and lust is just my drug of choice. And today I am sober one day at a time for years, along with many other people through a recovery fellowship that includes hundreds of frum people, too. Hashem helps me one day at a time to live sanely. My life is different in every way. It has to be. If you are like me, then your life will have to be different, even if you divorce. That has nothing to do with you getting better, or not.

In fact, if your wife sees that you are trying to get better just in order to prevent the divorce, that will not mean much to her, I think. She needs to see that you surrender her, the kids, and everything - that your priority in life is your own sobriety and recovery, period. Then she might say to herself, "maybe it isn't the same old lies. Maybe he will change...let me give him more time and see."

You describe that the initial excuse for your separation was that you do not help around the house, etc. I do not doubt that this is actually part of the truth. This picture is typical of spouses who are lust addicts. We are love cripples. You were not joined with this woman in real life - because you do not have the keilim for a real relationship. As SA's White Book puts it: We went for the unreal, for the connection that had the 'magic' - because it bypassed true intimacy and real union. We were love-cripples.

This is not a time to feel sorry for yourself. For G-d's sake, go to an all-french meeting and sit there like a dummy and absorb the recovery around you. You need help, as I and all other addicts do. There will be nothing different with the 'next wife' unless you get a ton of help to really, slowly, change the way you think and live.

So, you are a sincere, growing up, caring - and at the same time a liar, immature, self-centered, and hurting. Nu. So are all of us. The only question is - what concrete actions can you take right now to get better?

Let your wife know about S-Anon but remember that your ball is not in her court - it is in yours. I hope and pray she gives your marriage a chance at recovery and that she joins you in it. Above and beyond any hard feelings - and there are surely many - you as a couple need help. You may need to begin as individuals. Hatzlocha.

Love,

Dov

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.