Perfectly Timed

Sent in by "todaystheday613"

Thank you so much for your email (see part 1 of this article). It was perfectly timed for me. This morning at davening, I saw a boy who unfortunately was blind and was davening with a Braille siddur. I thought to myself, this kid cannot see and I have this unbelievable gift of sight, how can I possibly use it for the wrong things? Hashem gave us the gift of sight to be used for kadosh matters, to learn Torah, to daven and do mitzvos. We are stealing from HaShem when we use it for inappropriate things! I have to remind myself of the boy I saw today every time I’m tempted to look at something inappropriate. Nebech, he cannot see but let me use my vision for the right things - to serve HaShem.

To heck with your addiction.

This relationship issue that vexes you was, is, and needs to stay (for you) all about learning how to give your wife what it is that she lusts after - what she really wants from you. One day at a time. Asking her what she would like in a relationship with you just for today - instead of trying to 'fix' the past. Don't waste your time - she isn't interested in forgiving you, and she doesn't feel she needs to. For doing that would make her too vulnerable!

Taking actions of love without expecting anything from her or the relationship in return - instead of trying to convince her (that's expecting her to forgive). Thinking about and davening for her each day - that is the derech. Taking the actions of love instead of trying to 'make' something. Just do.

Do for the next month and see what the relationship produces, That is way beyond either of you to give. Do it for the next six months and you will discover a marriage liberated from the past, even though both of you are - and may individually still be - prisoners.

Don't do it for you, and don't do it for her. Do it for the marriage. There is a b'riyah that is neither of you, only both of you. It is the 'bosor echad' called "the marriage". It is choking now, and being ignored. "Divide and conquer!" is the motto of your disease, when it comes to marriage.

Just do it. Do it and let Hashem take your lives where He Wills it to go. Don't hold any expectations besides that He will do a far, far better job that either of you have done till now.

Will it work for you? Take it slow, buddy. We are all in the same big boat, in this challenge.

We all have something in our brain called the “reward pathway.” Its function is to reward us with a chemical called dopamine when we do certain things that give us pleasure.

When one watches pornography his brain gets flooded with a really high level of dopamine. A healthy brain isn’t used to all that dopamine, so the brain responds by getting rid of some of its dopamine receptors. However, when the body reacts with fewer receptors, the person can no longer feel the same excitement or arousal from that type of pornography. As a result, they have to watch more porn, watch it more often, and move to a more intense material to feel that same original feeling. What happened? The answer is that the brain's pleasure response has been numbed.

Furthermore, due to fewer dopamine receptors, the person can no longer feel the same amount of pleasure as before. Little things, such as visiting a friend, spending time with family, or playing a sport, may no longer be able to make him as happy as it used to.

Pornography can easily give one the illusion that it increases pleasure. However, it comes at the great expense of a reduction in our long-term pleasure.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.