Yosef symbolizes Shmiras Ha'Bris, and perhaps the biggest lesson that we can learn from him was that it was only through the merit of his "withholding" that he merited that so much bounty and goodness should flow forth through him. And this is the secret of the divine channel of Yesod. When we close all the holes in our divine "pipes" (and we are willing to go through the dryness of "Tamuz" first), Hashem's blessing and bounty is able to flow through us properly.

I started to count the days a few months ago, but then my sponsor said that for me, the counting is too much of a pressure and I should take it just "one day at a time".

So for a long time, it just said "Day 1" under my name on the 90-day chart. And I loved it that way. Lately, I saw the new 'Still clean' tab on the chizuk emails. So today I hit it. And yeah, I see it's been more than 90 days...

How did it happen?

It is a combination of things.

• The Big Book - I read a page every day
• Working the program with a sponsor
• Doing service for others
• Therapy
• Posting and sharing on the forum
• Fellowship
• Staying in the sunlight and running right back when something managed to block it out.

Everything together helped me do my steps 1, 2, and 3 every day. And maintaining steps 10, 11, and 12.

One day at a time, we can do it!

I don’t think anyone wants to put their marriage in jeopardy. In fact, we’ve heard from several readers that the only reason they “allow” porn in their marriage is to try to save or enhance it. They don’t want to push their husband away by putting “unrealistic expectations” on him or they want to “keep things exciting” so he doesn’t get bored. But the truth is, pornography is not saving or strengthening marriages, it’s destroying and weakening them!

Professors Jennings Bryant and Dolf Zillman have been researching the effects of pornography for more than 30 years and have concluded that when it comes to porn use “no rigorous research demonstrations of desirable effects can be reported.” Or in other words, in all the legitimate research they’ve studied over the years, they have found NO benefits to pornography- only damage.

In 2004, Dr. Jill Manning found that 56% of divorce cases involved one party having an “obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” Similarly, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers polled 350 divorce attorneys in 2003, where two-thirds of them reported that the internet played a significant role in the divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. That means that roughly 500,000 marriages annually are failing due to pornography!

So, what is it about pornography that is leading to divorce? Well, it’s ten things actually.

1. Porn Breaks Trust

According to numerous studies, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to a diminished trust between intimate couples.

It really is no surprise. After all, pornography and secrecy go hand in hand. Most people who view pornography go to great lengths to keep it hidden. It’s most often watched late at night when their spouse is asleep or when they are home alone. Users are careful to lock doors, erase their internet history, and keep files and videos hidden with passwords. Spouses are shocked and feel betrayed when they find out because they were so easily kept in the dark. They wonder what else is going on that they don’t know about. Even users who were upfront with their spouse about watching pornography admit that they hide how much and when from them. Deception is a common theme of pornography. In contrast, transparency is a common theme of strong marriages.

2. Porn Hinders Emotional Intimacy

Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person.

There’s a big difference between having sex and making love. Sex is about pleasure. Making love is about connection. Sex is about the body. Making love is about the person. Because a bonding hormone is released during sexual intimacy, it can be a wonderful and powerful way to feel closer to and connect with your spouse. However, if that hormone is released when your spouse is not present, that aspect of martial intimacy is lost.

3. Porn Destroys Self-Esteem

When men and women were exposed to porn, they were less likely to be pleased with their partner’s physical appearance, affection, and sexual performance. Not only does porn affect how users view others but it also affects how they view themselves. Porn users may find that not only do they see their partners in a less than “satisfying” way, but they start to think that they themselves are less attractive as well.

Men who viewed a lot of porn were likely to say that they became more critical of their partner’s appearance and lost interest in sex with their partner as a result. Interestingly enough, twice as many women reported that their porn-watching spouses became more critical and that this criticism made the women less interested in sex. Researchers have found that porn consumers eventually compare their spouse or partner and themselves to images of porn models.

Is it any wonder then that it destroys self-esteem? How can anyone live up to the unrealistic expectations of porn’s perfectly airbrushed, surgically enhanced, and carefully photoshopped bodies? Some doctors even suspect that increased porn usage is the cause for the rise in women seeking plastic surgery to change their bodies!

4. Porn Causes Selfishness

Pornography promotes selfishness. “Seldom did I think of bringing sexual pleasure to my wife. I thought only about getting, not giving.”

Pornography, at its core, is all about selfishness and immediate gratification. The user focuses solely on getting and taking when he wants. In contrast, true martial intimacy is a giving of oneself. A relationship where one spouse is only interested in taking usually does not last very long. People, who use porn regularly, often have a hard time being gentle during lovemaking. Sex tends to be impersonal, rushed, and “forced.” There’s no foreplay. There’s no waiting to arouse someone. It’s just taking what you want. Here’s a little fact you probably don’t know – the least popular day for Americans to view porn is Thanksgiving Day. Interesting, considering that gratitude and selfishness are opposites.

5. Porn Demeans Women

Results showed that the more porn a man was exposed to, the more likely he was to prefer that women be submissive and subordinate to men.

Pornography also changes the way men view women. Research has proven that just two sessions of one-hour exposures of R-rated sexual entertainment change men’s attitudes toward women. They begin to objectify women and no longer see them as individually unique or valuable because of the demeaning manner in which women and sex are portrayed. And that’s not even mentioning the porn that portrays women being dominated, abused, and enjoying it.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.