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My name is Binyomin, and I am a sexaholic. I have been sexually sober since August 18, 2016 with the help of Hashem, the fellowship of SA, going to meetings and working the steps.
I was introduced to sexual stimuli as a young child. Since then, I lived a fantasy life. Always craving and dreaming for ways to relieve the experience. As a young teen, I learned about porn and masturbation. It was my greatest discovery. My own special and private activity. I would masturbate very often, sometimes several times a day.
I never thought there was anything wrong with it, until I learned that it was a sin. My solution to my religious problem was that I needed to get married, so that I could have a kosher outlet for my sexual fantasies, and then I would be free of the "yetzer hara".
Marriage didn't solve my problems. It made it worse. It took several years of blaming my wife, for my problems in the bedroom, and lack of fulfillment. Soon after marriage I started up again with the porn, all the while blaming my wife for not being there for me sexually, the way I needed. I would constantly complain that my needs were not being met. I learned several years later that I was verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and this destroyed something inside of her. Why would someone who is emotionally abused have a functional sex life?
After about 3 years of marriage, I began to realize that I had a problem, and that couldn't stop on my own. I had heard about GYE, and I got online to check it out. Soon afterward, I joined the 12 step conference calls. After going through 2 cycles, I was encouraged by my sponsor to join live meetings.
For about 2 years I was in and out of the rooms, and didn't manage to stay sober for too long. (As I never really worked the steps with the direction of a LIVE sponsor which was an important aspect for me). I didn't want to admit that I had an addiction and that I was sick. I wanted to be able to moderate my usage. To control it. I felt justified. If my wife isn't giving me any, then I "needed to take care of myself". All of this thinking was skewed, and ended up costing me dearly. My sick brain prevented me from seeing myself and my problems for what they really were. As time went on, I became more and more tolerant to porn, and it didn't give me the kick I was in desperate need of.
My addiction, as I learned to call it, was a progressive disease. So long as it was left untreated, it got worse. I spent countless hours looking for online hookups, and wasting time on dating apps/sites. I've done very humiliating things in my active addiction. The final blow was when I slept with a prostitute. On the way there, I kept telling myself that I should turn back around. I was powerless. Even though I knew I'd regret it, and even though I didn't really want to, I went anyway. I was so disappointed with the experience. When I got home, I felt so dirty, and disgusted with myself. It was just sex. Plain, physicality, with absolutely no emotion. I didn't give me the wholesomeness I had been searching for. The fantasy of being with someone who enjoyed sex just as much as I was just that, a fantasy. In order to escape the negative feelings, I masturbated upon my return to my house. This brought clarity to me, its not sex that I want, its deep connection, and porn and prostitutes was a poor substitute.
I did fall a couple of times since then, but 3 months later I started working the program seriously. Since then, (August 18 2016) I have been sexually sober.
I have been seriously working the program of SA, by doing the steps, going to meetings, and staying connected with the group I go to.
About a month later, my wife left me. We are now in the process of getting a divorce. I think that the only explanation for my sobriety during this crisis, is a gift from God. I have had a very difficult time with my home life, my financial security, my educational goals, and more. It is the program that helped me rise above the suicidal feelings that clouded my brain. I am lucky to be alive today.
My relationship with my children has been better then it ever has been. The obsession to lust has been removed from me, and my life is filled with more serenity then it has ever been. It's not easy, and there is pain, but the life I live now is so much better then living in addiction.
I would like to thank GYE for creating this website, and opening the door to my recovery.
One thing I have learned, is that no matter what the circumstances, however bad my life gets, I can still stay sober, and live in the solution. If I was able to, then I am sure you can too!
May God bless you, and watch over you as you trudge the road to happy destiny.
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Still Clean
