Opening the Doors of Hell
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1641  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Image of the Day: Stop Knocking and Find the Right Door!
Q & A: Discussion with 14 Year Old Boy
Sayings: The 12-Steps never opened the gates of heaven to let me in, the 12-Steps did open the gates of hell to let me out.
Daily Dose of Dov: Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure
 
 
90 Day Journey
 
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Image of the Day
 

Helen Keller said that when one door to hapiness closes, another opens. However, she said, we are so busy looking at the closed door that the open door goes unnoticed.

So stop looking at the closed door, knocking and demanding that it open up. Perhaps, you are meant to go through another doorway? Just sayin'...

~Mottel

Stop Knocking and Find the Right Door!
 
Stop Knocking and Find the Right Door!
Q & A
 

This article generated a lot of interest, so we're running it again - this time in full. Please send your comments or questions by replying to this email.

 
Discussion with 14 Year Old Boy
 
How can I speak to my father about this?
 
By the.guard

A 14 year old boy wrote:

So I started doing the TaPHSiC Method, and I ended up falling, so now I have to tell someone about the problem. I'm thinking either my dad or my Rav. What I wanted to know is how to do it. I'm sure they'd both be understanding, but I'm still not sure what to say. As you can guess, it'd be very awkward and embarrassing, and I'm feeling anxiety about it right now. My dad and Rav always thought of me as a Jew who learns and Davens a lot, and I feel that this would put a strain on that. I'm 14, by the way. What should I say?


GYE answered:

Tell him a little about your struggle, what age it started, how it started, what you are trying to do to make progress, about guardyoureyes.com and about the TaPHSiC method, and then explain him how you made the shvuah to tell someone and now you had a fall, and you feel embarrassed but you want to do the right thing.

He will be impressed that you are trying to grow and break free of this. And it will be good for you to open up to someone older and wiser than you about this. Don't worry, he will understand. We all go through this stage in life.


He replied:

Thank you! I said exactly what you said to do, and he said exactly what you said he would!

Now he's going to be my accountability partner and I don't want to disappoint him, I will also increase my filter strength, and every week we are going to review my WebChaver reports. I will Daven to Hashem and learn Torah and do more Mitzvos. I also get the daily Chizuk emails. And I am currently continuing to use the TaPhSiC Method (cold showers are NOT fun).

Thank you!

Sayings
 
The 12-Steps never opened the gates of heaven to let me in, the 12-Steps did open the gates of hell to let me out.
 
Daily Dose of Dov
 
Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure
 
By Dov

Someone posted on the forum:

I'm trying to use only public computers. Being the only guy with a yarmulke for miles around, I'd be too afraid of getting caught, and of the shame that would ensue and the chillul Hashem. I hope that will be a strong deterrent for me.

Dov Replies:

Deterrents are good, but there comes a point where you need to ask yourself, "am I in control of myself when it comes to lust, or not?" (I'm not, even though I'm sober)

For a real addict, there's only so long that 'other people watching' or the spectre of chilul Hashem can be really expected to stop him.

Are you actually planning on 'beating' this problem mainly through ceaseless vigilance?

And finally: Does your heart tell you that the only real problem you have is environmental: i.e. the internet, pretty women, this stupid culture we live in, etc.?

After trying to "beat" it for many years, my heart finally told me that even though my environment was certainly a challenge, it was I that had a problem of some sort. It just didn't seem normal to have one's mind taken up by struggle with lust so often and so much of the time. If I "fixed" it here, it came out over there - if I stopped turning to lust when I was depressed, I found myself turning to it when I was happy! Also, just getting out of the habit didn't stop me from being preoccupied with it, and eventually succumbing later on. I was always counting the days I resisted it - as if reaching a mark of a month, year, or whatever, would mean something, much like a bar mitzvah of sorts... "Phew, I made it!"

Obviously, many people don't have this history and find success (however they define it) where I did not. I truly wish that success for you. But you have posted your frustration a number of times already, so I am sharing with you that for me, this is not the way.

For me, the Problem is as much a part of me my liver is, or as 'Fear' is - and it plays for keeps. All the external controls will not save my behind. The problem of my mental/emotional programming to use lust and human sexuality for purposes that it is not intended, will not go away just because I don't act on it. Hashem clearly didn't give sexuality to us to run to for courage or comfort when we feel scared, lonely, or too emotional. Its tremendous power was not meant just for creating that 'trance' many of us experience while searching for schmutz in order to forget our stresses. All the stresses of life have their own real and healthy solutions... none of them require lust to work. Sexuality, and the relationship that it is meant to be part of, is clearly meant to raise a relationship to a deeper level. More connection and fewer separations - not more secrecy and lying!! That is always what lust led to for me, before marriage and in marriage. I always had it totally backwards! I perverted what Hashem gave me to use and enjoy, into a drug.

You can't really enjoy something that you require. Freedom is the gateway to pleasure. Addiction eventually ruins our enjoyment of whatever we are addicted to, actually. Then it slowly ruins everything else, too.

'Charus al haLuchos'... When I think of Cheirus (Freedom), I hope to be thinking about it as the gateway to pleasure, bechirah, relationships, self-fulfillment, sobriety, avodah - Everything!

And in my own case, the one time I feel I have the least power of bechirah (freedom) of all, is when I am acting out on Lust, r"l. Thank-G-d I am sober today!

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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