An email we received from a wife, Jan 1, 2016:

My husband is in a leadership position in our community. We are currently married 20+ years. The "perfect" couple, totally "in love."

In year 16, i caught him with porn. He confessed, wanted to get out, but didn’t know how to break free. He was very against going public or joining groups though. We both did lots or reading. He concluded he is an addict, did lots of 12 steps work, but not groups or anything. He did participate in GYE forums and began to change a lot in many visible ways: taking action in his life for things, changing his core beliefs, etc. He put in filters. Amazing. No porn… or so i thought….

2 years later, i found images on his phone. He said, yes, he slipped lately a bit. He said he shaped up, but he admitted that he doesn’t want to let it go fully. Although he is a much healthier person, he still is not fully healthy.

I want more. I am ready to be patient and supportive if he is heading in the same direction in goals in life as I am, but if he is not, I cannot respect him. I, who loved him through all these years, and was his only support in addiction, i am finally starting to feel my love get so weak, I am terrified. The thought of divorce is not ridiculous anymore. I find myself feeling slowly more distant. He knows this. He feels awful he is making me suffer, but feels powerless to change. And to top it all off, we have no money for therapy. All our money goes to pay my kid’s tuition.

He is not the typical 30 year old on your forums, gripping about how he is having a bad hour struggling with looking at porn. His understanding of the whole issue is so profound; he could be a counselor for others at this point. But he is still held back... He won’t even join a phone group on GYE, as I suggested.

He sees he is losing my heart, but he is acting powerless. He has always been that way. I was the strong one, who never gave up. But i can’t do this for him. He needs to want it. So how can I save my marriage? How can I still love him when he won’t do more? This is killing me.

After guidance from GYE and many more emails back and forth, here is an update from a year and a half later:

Just to share good news…

B”h my husband has come a long way. Netspark is on his phone, he is listening to GYE calls, etc…

Six months ago, I went to a simcha and he was alone and found an old laptop we thought was dead and looked at porn. That fall finally got him to a place where he admitted he isn't Ok. He went to a meeting. He gets it. He hears. And now he has been sober 6 months. He’s firmly committed to weekly meetings, sharing his weak moments, and we are both so grateful. Daily work for both of us! Steady progress and so happy to be where we are. Hashem should continue to grant him the strength to choose life.

Thank you for supporting me in continuing to support him. It took a long time, but I feel happiness with our present and great hope for our future, with Hashem’s help.

I want to thank you, and I can't tell you how safe I feel knowing that you and GYE are there for us.

Dearly beloved,

My emotions are runnin' wild.
These past few weeks got me all riled.
At times it's lust and at times despair
Always in conjunction with a bitin', gnawin' fear.

I don't want 'em, I don't need 'em
Take 'em from me, grant me freedom.
Your Grace has brought me to this juncture
I don't want that hissin' sound, don't want a puncture.

These conversations with wife are full of hurt and shame,
No excuse to be found - that would be lame.
She is left to toss and turn the whole night thru
And wonder about the monster, to whom she replied, "I do."

"How can I cuddle, wonderin' who he was with,
What was his fantasy, Mona, Isabelle or Meredith?
How does he like 'em, where do I rate?
Would this have ever happened if I'd have lost that weight?

I'll take that dip tonight, for some holdin' might be good for me,
But pitch black it'll be, so his cheatin' face I can't see.
Then I can imagine of what might have been
If only he was able to keep it in."

I'll show this to my shrink when I meet her at noon
Who knows what she'll say, can there be another honeymoon?
Is there what to look forward to, will these chills in my shoulders and
fidgety fingers be there to last?
Or somehow, someway, this can be put in the past?

I have nobody to blame but this messed up guy
Leading a life of deceit and full of lies
And that's where it rests, it's all up to me
To continue this life of recovery.

I can't lie any more, yet can't say what's true
It's a real tough spot to be, as these insides do stew
So God, accept this prayer, for You are the One
and don't worry, I'll be back, I ain't close to done.

What You'll answer, I don't know, it is beyond my grade of pay,
But it makes no difference, for I know You're here to stay.
And truthfully, I'll end with this simplicity
When I am with You, there is no place I'd rather be.

As the result of these letters, an Asifa (gathering) for Rabbonim was convened (summer ’11) in Lakewood. Rabbi Dr. Avrohom J. Twerski presented some basic information concerning addictions to this Asifa. This same summer the “Chosson Rebbes” of BMG were also addressed on this same topic by another mental health professional.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.