The entire flavor of my relationship with Hashem before recovery was one of drama. "I want to do better! I want to stop!" ... then I'd act out and come back to Him saying, "Take me back!! Please take me back!"... and he'd take me back, I guess... Then I'd feel deep feelings of "deveikus" - not just plain avodas Hashem, mind you, but deep stuff!

It was either a profound and supercharged relationship with Hashem, or I was a pathetic dirt-bag a billion miles from him because of disgusting acting out, begging to come back - and He'd take me back, of course!

This pattern, romantic as it is, is not what I see Hashem wants from me. While it may be a nice theatre for enactment of many basic Torah and Teshuva concepts, I am now out of the "holy struggle Petri dish" and into real life. Real life is more normal, more even keeled, and more meaningful - though not nearly as shockingly exciting. But Hashem didn't hire us to have excitement or fun - it's only about doing His Will plainly and simply.

The mikvah itself has little to do with this, but I see that it was definitely a big part of my secret, sick adventure. The total, cheap, taharah that it offers is a nice comeback to the horrifying acting out I obviously thought I could afford to do back then. No more.

I still go to the mikvah, and am trying kavonos that I am learning for it, as well, be"H. But it is no longer a counterbalance to my sickness. It is no longer a tool I use for tolerating a lifestyle of horrifying tum'ah. Instead, it's a gift I give to Him - a pure body to daven to Him with!!

Finally it is a wholesome pleasure. Thanks to G-d.

One of our members sent us some excerpts of ideas from the book "The Light of Ephraim" by Simchah H. Ben Yosef.

When Hashem created the universe at Breishit, he mandated that a soul be sent to this world every time a man releases his seed, whether intentionally or not. The idea was that through this process, if man chose to use/release his seed for the holy purpose that Hashem intended (to create a life with one's wife in a kosher relationship), man would than be able to actually participate in the divine plan for the world by causing souls to be sent down from Shamayim to this world to create life - which is a pretty amazing privilege. The problem begins when man uses/releases his seed for unholy purposes (via masturbation, nocturnal emissions, sexual relations with non-Jewish women, etc.). This causes spiritual forces called Kelipot to absorb all of the seed's life-giving potential. When this happens, the Kelipot are able to capture the souls sent down from Shamayim (the reason being is that the souls were forced to down to earth from Shamayim in vain because the seed was released from the man in an unholy way) and the klippot then force these souls to cause the man who brought them down in vain all sorts of trouble. That this is why men feel literally hopeless and tired after they release their seed for unholy purposes. These reactions happen not because the men are unhealthy or depressed, but because the Kelipot have already begun their mission to destroy the man's life.

I recommend this book because all of these ideas, even if they appear absolutely outrageous, can be verified through personal experience, science, psychology, and mainstream indisputable Torah sources such as the Shulchan Aruch, the Talmud, and the Torah.

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.