Mrs. Sarah Kahan,LCSWwill be repeating the same lecture
that was given in Monsey previously on
IntimacyinBoro Park
Sunday, November 27th 9:00 p.m.

The topics she will be covering are:

1. Understanding the guf of the ish and isha
2. Deeper understanding on how to achieve hanaah
3. Better communication between husband and wife about intimacy
4. Questions and concerns

It will not be recorded.

On the women's Hotline (641-715-3800 access code 444657#) press number 2 for a sample.

There is a limit of 20 participants.
The cost is $20.00

Call 845-422-7956 to reserve.

Sarah Kahan is a frum licensed clinical social worker. Her specialties include marital therapy including intimacy issues and anxiety counseling. Her offices are in Midwood and Brooklyn and she is also available via skype. She can be reached at 347-764-9333

Sometimes, I find the nisyanos and challenge of watching my eyes so difficult. At times, it can feel so unnatural - having to look away from so many things on the street, constantly on guard. And then I start asking myself why? Why would Hashem ask this of us? And what's the big deal anyway? It's just looking! I'm not doing anything... why would Hashem make this into an Aveira? It's so difficult!

I came across the following simple, beautiful and powerful idea that I found transformative, and it changed my outlook. In Chumash, Hashem says to us, the Bnei Yisroel: "Anshei Kodesh Tehuyin Li, Ki Kadosh Ani (Shemos 22,30)." Be my holy people, because I am holy- and as My nation, I need you to be as well.

And even more directly- "Ki Hashem Elokecha Mis-halech B'kerev Machanecha- L'hatzilcha V'laseis Oyvecha Lifanecha. V'Haya Machanecha Kadosh! V'lo Yirah Becha Ervas Davar V'Shav M'acharecha (Ki Setzai 23, 15)." When you go to battle, make sure your camps (and your selves) are holy - because Hashem your G-d is amongst you to destroy your enemies, and lest He sees something in you that's not holy and His presence will need to depart from among you!" (Sometimes I find it helpful to hum the Miami Boys Choir tune on this Pasuk...)

Wow. We, the Jewish people, have a Mandate from Shamayim - be holy! You are G-d's people! He is holy, and He has given you a mandate to be holy like Him. He is working alongside you with great power but requires that you be holy like Him.

In other words, for the gentiles looking is just a small pleasure. No great sin. Yes, it's an unrefined, dirty pleasure, sensed by those sensitive enough to realize it. But it's not so horrible - just smelly. But for us, it's a breach of our mandate! We are an elite unit in His army. We carry a great responsibility- G-d Himself is amongst us! And He's given His elite marines - us - a mandate and mission, be a holy people!

So when we walk down the street, the great efforts of controlling our eyes is a great and powerful Avodah of fulfilling our Mandate from Shamayim - Kedoshim Tehiyu. It's hard, but it's an honor and a privilege! It's hard, but it so meaningful - it's remaining above the shmutz, it's remaining His holy people!

Learn how the divine is showing up in our lives moment to moment to moment, how we innocently obstruct it, and how we can be its channel. The zone involves peace of mind, compassion, creativity, and living gracefully in the present. First comes the zone; then come miracles.

Someone wrote to Dov:

Today I had a rather rough day... I attended a Sheva Brochos where Men and women sat separately, but there was no mechitza and it was a small room so we weren't very far from each other. It was Yeshivish and all were dressed properly... but as you know, that doesn't stop an addict's mind...

Dov Responds:

Dear chaver! No need to explain at all. Why, just today I woke up feeling horrible. Just plain horrible. Achy from snow-shoveling, late, sleepy, feeling unsatisfied with everything and grateful for nothing... you know. Rare for me for some time now, but - there I was. The only things that pulled me out of it was (believe it or not) Shacharis... even though it was kinda horrible, too. Weak, weak, weak. And at home alone yet.... but still Shacharis! And a call from a sexaholic friend in Texas. We talked a while and that lifted me from the postmortem fog into being entirely willing to live real life. No angels or horns, just calm, OK, "real life" as me.

Mazel tov to the chosson and kallah. Yeah, the presence of women is definitely a frequent challenge, but hey - they're here!

Well, it gets easier after the habit of scanning a room for the most attractive female in it, is broken a bit; and davening for the women in the room helps alter my relationship with them "nearer" to reality; and being willing to make a call once in a while during a break in the sheva brochos/wedding/class/shopping activity to another person who understands - and just share the facts... getting the 'light on' makes the mold wither. All these help.

But the real answer is having a relationship with Hashem and letting it fill me so that there is no room for anything else - everything else is filtered through those glasses. It may not be truly achievable, but we definitely grow in that direction. And I do not have to be a tzaddik.... As the Pasuk says "Habotea'ch Ba'Hashem, Chesed Yisovivenu - He who trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him"... And Chazal say, "afilu rosho u'boteyach baHaShem, chesed yisovevenhu- even if he is a Rasha but he trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him".

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.