Giving up the struggle to win the battle
 
 
  Breaking Free Chizuk #1563  
 
 
In Today's Issue
   
Image of the Day
Testimonials: Death bed gratitude
Announcements: Journey into Manhood - SSA Workshop In Israel
Practical Tips: Someone to talk with
Torah: Vanity of vanities and struggle of struggles.
Daily Dose of Dov: We Need a New Derech, AKA Don't Fight, Give it up!
 
 
90 Day Journey
 
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Image of the Day
 

A little post-yomtov reminder of the stark contrast between priorities of different people.

Which is your crowd?

 
Testimonials
 
Death bed gratitude
 
By GYE Admin

A grateful spouse wrote to us:

I'd like to thank you for assisting my ex-husband and a friend of his to battle their issues. He is now dying (of cancer) but he has been afforded some peace from his compulsions so he can deal with more worthy concerns.

Announcements
 
Journey into Manhood - SSA Workshop In Israel
 

Journey into Manhood is a highly recommended experiential workshop for men dealing with same-sex attraction.

Read more
Practical Tips
 
Someone to talk with
 
By Anonymous

More from one of our members who shared with us some of the tips that helped him in his journey to recovery: (If you have tips that worked for you, send them to us please as well)

 

One of the only ways I have found to deal with the problem of porn addiction is to have someone to talk with about the problem. I believe we must have someone who we can be open with to share our problem. When we do this on a regular (weekly at the least) basis, we take the problem more seriously. They don't even need to be someone dealing with the same problem. The times when I have felt the most equipped to face the challenge the yetzer hara brings is when I am able to keep the problem out in the open with someone else.

Just a note, be careful of making your wife the one you are open with as she will probably have difficulty understanding the situation.

Torah
 
 
Vanity of vanities and struggle of struggles.
 
Daily Dose of Dov
 
We Need a New Derech, AKA Don't Fight, Give it up!
 
Dov's dialogue with GYE member
 
By obormottel

Member: I feel drained right now. I feel like I've been fighting the whole entire day.

Dov: Airbag and seatbelt time....uh-oh.
Either the outer environment needs to change, or the inner environment does. One of them has to go. If you believe it's from inside you, I do not understand how anyone expects to "beat" a mental illness. Just go and ask any crazy person, maybe he'll tell you.... Now, if it's really just "a ta'ava", then I understand - fight, fight, fight. But if:

M: I feel that if I can get past the hard times it will only get easier. But I never can get past them

D:...as you put it, then perhaps, maybe, it's time to give the entire fight up to Hashem. To me, that means trusting Him (step 2). It means admitting to Him exactly what you want to do (step 1) and asking Him to help you just let go of the entire idea, to give it up completely. And then to take the actions of letting it go, like getting busy with something else(step 3). Preferably some way to give or love someone: people, lehavdil, Hashem (even ourselves...if we really know how to). And also, to me, it means agreeing to never take the credit for "winning" again. As long as you admit you are nuts, admit you have no other hope but His help, and do what you can to make going about His business your priority right now, it's His business if you succeed or fail, not yours.
Sound crazy? Well, I think busting one's head against the wall for the 15,000th time with the same losing derech - but harder this time - yet expecting things to be entirely different this time - is pretty crazy, too. ;D

M: But it ain't over till its over.


D: And when is that? Won't there be a next time? Yeah, it gets easier : for those who let go of it each time it gets easier. But for those who just distract themselves from it to get over it, I believe there is a residue from each struggle, that may not go away. A feeling of, "well, I gave up that nice one, I deserve a consolation prize" or, "poor me, I lost out on so much fun," or, "woohoo, I can control this stuff, after all! So maybe I can use and enjoy it and just stop it as soon as it starts to get out of hand, no?". Those natural thought patterns would build up in me over time until - forget it. No wonder it's a tidal wave then! And then we act as though it's such a surprise! ???
I have no other explanation than the above for the very common phenomena of the guy (like me) who could "go for a month, or so, until the pressure builds up", or whatever. Or so many of the well-meaning folks with ~23 days, over and over again for five years...you know what I mean. How else can anyone explain that? Please let me know, will ya?
What people like me need is a psychic change. Not improvement, but a new derech. Let Hashem figure out if it's teshuvah or not. It's gotta be a different fight, or else. On a good day, I let the fight be His business and my job is to do His work...and when lust ideas occur to me I admit to myself that I am not just another yid with "a ta'yva", but rather, that I am 'cracked' in the head. I have an allergy. I am not able to lust like others can - and control it. They can, not I. So no wonder I need a Higher Power. I avoid it like fire by closing my eyes or my brain and doing something else. I make a call to a friend and admit exactly how sick I am. Then I go happily from there completely free.
I don't need Hashem's power to help me "beat" this YH. I need him to remove the lust from me. I need His help to get myself out of His way. I need to go about His work, period. Not fight any battles.

A huge problem here is that if you just extract the surrender and trust in Hashem, the whole thing still looks like some kind of winning. Some folks will totally mistake the "closing of the eyes" or the "making a call to another addict", as the way we fight it. It's not. It's the action we take to give it up. As many addicts who actually use the steps will attest, the total freedom from the nutty lust comes during the dialing of the friend's phone # or during the prayer itself. G-d, whatever I am looking for in the image of that woman walking by, let me find it in You, instead." Ahhhh. By the time I get up to the second half of the word G-d, we feel the whole thing evaporating. It may not work perfectly all the time, but we stay sober from the bottom line behavior this way, no matter what. And over time, our heads change. The struggles are surrendered. There is no more pressure build up. If there is, then we take an honest look at our first step, perhaps with a friend and go on from there.

M: I can use chizuk right now.


D: Well, I don't know if that constituted chizuk, but sometimes we don't need encouragement but we need someone to remind us that "ein hadovor tolui ella bee", by holding up a mirror. I hope you see that Hashem is in there right next to you, no matter what.

Disclaimer: The above is the sole experience of the writer, who is not an expert in any respect, and does not necessarily express the views and opinions of GYE.

Do you think you may have a porn addiction?
 

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.

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