To understand the Golden Rule of Habit Change better and begin to apply it to our own bad habits, let us explore one of the largest and most successful attempts at wide-scale habit change, which was born in a dingy basement on the Lower East Side of New York City in 1934.

Dear Guard,

Since starting acting out (as young as 6 or 7 years old), I have never gone this amount of time sober. (I am now in my thirties, and over 13 months sober one day at a time). I did once manage just over a year out of willpower and determination, but then relapsed. It was devastating, because I thought I was 'done' with the problem. The good thing that came out of that relapse was that I found GYE, which opened a whole new world to me. I was not the only one who lived in a world of fantasy, who had the ability to turn every item or place into something lustful, who couldn't go into a petrol station without scanning the top shelf. And I can share things without being judged!

It has not all been easy sailing, but I have learnt through GYE some great tools on how to live life on life's terms, to get out of my own head, to live one day at a time, and to be of service to others. I sometimes find it 'magical' how a fellow addict can help me in minutes through something that a therapist, spouse or Rabbi spend hours on - and sometimes without success.

GYE, your work is holy stuff. Boruch Hashem, the internet is being used for such things as well. May you continue to inspire, to give people their lives back, and to save relationships, going michayil el choil.

I am ever indebted.

"MosheF" posted on the forum:

So I have a void, a spiritual void, now what? How am I going to fill it? Should I sit and learn all day, say tikunei zohar, work on my middos? It's not going to work. I know I should just learn to accept ordinary life the way life is, and live in the present moment, and not dream of being rich and famous, just living the present. Before I fell last time, I could have gone home and played with my kids but that wasn't good enough, I needed more. To prove my point, when I have a real exciting day and made a major sale or met with important people and felt important and good, lust usually stays away on those days because I'm feeling good about myself. But when life is ordinary, it's just not good enough for me and I need real stimulation.

Dov responds:

In my case too, my problem was clearly not the acting out. It was being sober! I couldn't tolerate it after a while because life was always either too boring or too complicated or both. Staying sober under all circumstances necessitated the 12 Steps. And of all things, it was the fourth step (especially my second round at it) that finally made living tolerable. Then sobriety started getting easier.

I learned the hard way, but Yshu'as hashem k'heref ayin! You may get a bit of something and then find you have grown more than you imagined was possible. It often happens this way for me. The condition seems to be, that I stay off the 18-wheeler and keep things simple. Especially when I feel like I've grown a great deal, I still picture myself as just beginning. A nice, shiny blue tricycle (with silver accents!) does me best...

Do you have a problem with obsessive and compulsive porn use? Have you seriously tried the tools on GYE and feel that you are not getting better? Maybe it’s time to consider joining a 12-Step program.

Porn Anonymous (PA)
If you’re compulsively acting-out with pornography and masturbation we suggest you explore joining Porn Anonymous (PA). If you need help deciding whether to join PA, call Michael at 347-699-2368, or email help@pornanonymous.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit pornanonymous.org (Hebrew: p-a.org.il / Yiddish: pa-yid.org).

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA)
If your compulsive acting-out has progressed beyond the screen (with other people, paid sexual services, etc.) we suggest you explore joining Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To figure out if SA is for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk. For more information visit www.sa.org.