Search results ({{ res.total }}):

The Vicious Cycle

GYE Corp. Sunday, 08 April 2012

I was happy when the very next day after Mincha, Yerachmiel appeared in my office for a private talk.

"I'm so happy you are here" I said to him. "Please tell me what's on your mind".

"I have a serious issue and I don't know what to do with myself", Yerachmiel began - looking down at the floor, and after a moment of silence he continued: "I can't focus on my learning. I am plagued by sexual fantasies the whole time and they give me no rest. The more I try and rid myself of these thoughts and focus on learning, the stronger they get. Even now during Mincha - in middle of Shmonah Esrei, indecent images were flooding my head. What can I do?"

"You should know Yerachmiel" I replied, "that I would like to get up and give you a hug. You know how much the fact that this bothers you tells me about you? It means you are already on a high level. To many Bochurim, this simply doesn't bother them".

Yerachmiel looked at me in surprise and said "But the Rav has no idea what terrible things I think about! And the Rav says I'm on a high level?!"

"Why do you classify these thoughts of yours as bad?" I asked him. "The thoughts you have are natural. That is how Hashem created human beings, and the fact that you have these thoughts only proves you are normal".

"What? Everyone thinks about girls?" Yerachmiel refused to believe.

"What do you think, Yerachmiel? Was I not once your age?" I asked him. "Do you think I did not have fantasies? Of course I did. Everyone has sexual fantasies. Some people more, some people less. But we are human, not angels.Hakadosh Baruch Hu created the world in such a way that men and women are attracted to one another, and because of this people get married, have children and populate the Earth. But not everyone is bothered by these thoughts as much as they bother you, and that is already impressive".

"How can the Rosh Yeshiva say this?" asked Yerachmiel. "The Rosh Yeshiva still doesn't know me and doesn't know what bad things I've done. Not just the story that the Rosh Yeshiva knows about that happened in Yeshiva. I did many other things, even worse things, that I am embarrassed to even mention them".

"I want to tell you something, Yerachmiel", I said to him, "and it's important to me that you listen well". Yerachmiel strained to lift his gaze to me, ready for the worst. "What I don't accept about you is the fact that you keep getting down on yourself. Let me tell you what I think of you. I know you for a few years already and you are a sharp student with a good head, and one of the most talented boys in Yeshiva. Why don't you try and focus on the good things about you, instead of criticizing yourself the whole time? I want to ask you a question", I continued, "and I want you to answer me honestly".

"When, in general, do the fantasies come; when you are happy? After having a good Seder and saying a good Svara? Or at times you are feeling sad, down or lonely?"

"Usually when I am sad" answered Yerachmiel almost immediately.

"Good. So let's see what's going on. Basically, without meaning to, you are bringing these thoughts on yourself. Because as soon as you get down on yourself you become sad, and the sadness brings the fantasies, and this becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break away from. But the moment you start to look at yourself in a positive light, you will see that even if you have fantasies once in a while, they will come much less often".

Yerachmiel stood up and prepared to leave. I saw that he was trying to digest what he had just heard.

"You think I will let you leave here without a smile?" I said to him. The words had an immediate effect and a broad smile stretched across Yerachmiel's face. I stood up and gave him a hug and pat on the cheek, which was already blushed. Yerachmiel left the office with a good feeling.

 

The Lesson of Today's E-mail

"Getting down" on yourself after falls leads only to a vicious cycle of sadness, acting out, and more sadness. The first step to breaking free is to start to view yourself in a positive light and to keep an upbeat attitude no matter what.