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Shmira1234's Profile

Listing Options
He is looking For a PartnerFor a Mentor
  Contact Info   
Region North America
Contact preferences Chat
Correspondance Frequency Wants to be in touch on a daily basis
Languages English
  Personal Info  
Age 20
Marital status Single
Background Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox
Children -
Religious from birth Yes
Additional info I tried to stop many times and was unsuccesful staying stopped
Story Hi. I'm very serious about maintaining my Ben Torah status, and in all other areas of life (limud, midos, etc.) I BH have done a pretty good job at doing so, but the area of shmiras habris is the one thing that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try and it breaks my heart that I can't get past this seeming addiction. I have had some solid streaks of cleanliness, and during those times I feel so much closer to Hashem and feel so much less guilty learning Torah, and during those times I'm extremely careful about shmiras Ha'einayim, etc. However, at a certain point, unfortunately so far the streaks have all come to an end, either as a result of a stam major taiva that I succumb to, or just random boredom that suddenly results in me having committed such a horrible sin. I'm not sure if it's an actual addiction, given that it can be very infrequent (though when I started out about 4 years ago it was much more consistent, BH this year I've made major strides in streaks), but whatever it is I just can't get past it. Nobody in the world has any idea about this problem, and I really don't want to tell anyone, but I'm thinking I might have to, though I'm not sure who to turn to about this. Also, one of the biggest issues is my mother's ipad has unfiltered access and I unfortunately have asked her the code before, and she's not going to get a filter on it. I'm not home so much (learning in yeshiva), and at those point, when I don't ahve access to the unfiltered ipad, it's certainly better, But what seems to be the biggest problem is even if I don't have access to such high level pritzus, there seems to be a constant desire to be מוציא זרע לבטלה, so whatever I have access to at these times of נפילה would be unfortunately sufficient (though, of course, the greater the access, the more likely it is and the more ideas pop into my mind). Whatever it is, I can't seem to shake this, and I made a commitment to myself that I would need at least 30 clean days before starting out in Shidduchim (which I know, for a committed boy who has struggled with this in the past and pushes past it, is a great "solution" to the problem), which I would like to start the process in ASAP. I had an 11 day streak going, Rosh Hashana included. I had an incredible Rosh Hashana davening experience and I think I was really מתעורר בתשובה about this topic and made serious commitments and בקשות to Hashem to save me from this נסיון, and I thought it was looking good from there, especially given that I had also made the 30 day resolution for shidduchim before Rosh Hashana, and all the momentum was pointing in the right direction. However, today, sitting and learning on Tzom Gedalia, I became really tired and unable to focus, and all I could think of was my curiosity for this particular challenge, and I remembered my mother's ipad. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't happenign adn make it clear to myself that this is not a thing for a Ben Torah to do anytime, and especially on Tzom Gedalia right after Rosh Hashana. But, רחמנא ליצלן, towards the late afternoon one thing lead to another and before you know it, I was back in the same place I was almost 12 days ago, feeling lower than ever. I just wanted to share this situation to spread awareness of this issue and to seek advice on how I could get past this, as this is clearly a time of reformation and תשובה. If anyone has any recommendations, advice, opportunities or tefillos I would appreciate anything, and I'm very grateful to this community for helping struggling people with this extraordinarily complicated issue. Shkoyach

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