Guard Your Eyes - Forum Kunena Site Syndication https://guardyoureyes.com Sun, 26 Jan 2020 17:26:35 +0000 Kunena 1.6 https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/icons/rss.png Guard Your Eyes - Forum https://guardyoureyes.com/ en-gb Subject: Avoidance - Controlling our environment - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346961-Avoidance---Controlling-our-environment#346961 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346961-Avoidance---Controlling-our-environment#346961 deal with urges is by avoiding things that can trigger urges, or by my making it physically difficult to act on an urge. This is also referred to as stimulus control. 12-step programs refer talk about avoiding "people, places and things" that can be triggering.

Although stimulus control can never cover all situations, it sill can be tremendously helpful. If we're are bombarded with triggers and and urges all day, we can get tired and burnout from dealing with them. So to make things easier for ourselves, it's smart to minimize triggers as much as possible. We'll still have plenty of opportunities to use our urge management skills.

The most obvious type of stimulus control is to block our access to porn as much as possible. You can do this by going to your local TAG office, or by filling out GYE's Protect My Devices form. Or you can go connect directly with good filter companies like Netspark, Gentech, Techloq, Netfree etc. There are also some nice image filters that you can install for Chrome (see here and here).

Aside from filters, we can delete any inappropriate material we have saved anywhere, delete email accounts or social media accounts that have been used for shmutz. Same goes for contacts, bookmarks etc.

Another area of focus is to avoid situations that lead to triggers. They can be times of the day, certain emotions, or even thought patterns.

For example, if you always masturbate at night when going to bed, that situation might be a trigger. You can then plan how to change the situation a bit to weaken the trigger. For example, you can take an MP3 player and listen to something interesting until you fall asleep.  

12-steps programs talk about H.A.L.T. which means "Don't become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired." SMART Recovery also talks about B.A.D.S. (Boredom, Anxiety, Depression, Stress). Do you find your urges are more common when you have one of these feelings? If yes, you might want to update your plan to include strategies of how to deal with it. 

If you have trouble identifying you triggers, the SMART handbook recommends keeping an urge log. An urge log is a table with the following columns:
  • Date / time
  • Strength of urge (1-10)
  • Length of urge
  • What triggered my urge
  • Where/who was I with
  • How I copied and my feelings about coping
  • Alternative activities/substitute behaviors.

By keeping such a log for a few days, you can start identifying your triggers, and update your plan as needed.]]>
SMART Recovery Sun, 26 Jan 2020 16:26:33 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346961-Avoidance---Controlling-our-environment#346961
Subject: Relapse Prevention - How to deal with falls - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346957-Relapse-Prevention---How-to-deal-with-falls#346957 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346957-Relapse-Prevention---How-to-deal-with-falls#346957 When people have a fall and watch porn, they often think, “Oh well, I guess I messed up today anway, so I may as well continue for another few minutes”. “I’ll start fresh tomorrow.” “Actually, this week is messed up already, I’ll start again on Sunday…”.

This kind of thinking is called the “what-the-hell effect” (excuse my language...) and it could really delay your progress. Some people feel so disillusioned after a fall, that it takes them days, weeks or even months until they try again...

Experts call it this type of thinking Abstinence Violation Effect (AVE).

What do you if you’re driving a car and made a wrong turn? With Waze you’ll let the app recalculate and get back on track. You might arrive a few minutes late, but that’s about it. You’re not a bad driver, you just made a mistake. What if you get so upset about your wrong turn, that you pull over to the side, turn off the car and give up? In that case, you’d really arrive late. But no one in their right mind would do that.

In the same way, if your plan doesn’t work the first time, it’s not a catastrophe. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn't mean you can't quit. How many times did you fall off your bike until you learned to ride it smoothly? Learning a new skill or changing a behavior takes practice. Hardly anyone is able to change a behavior on their first attempt. See if there’s anything you can learn from the fall that might help you improve your plan. The sooner you get back on the road, the sooner you’ll reach freedom.

If you back on track really fast, you’ll even keep most of the momentum that you’ve been building up and the fall will barely cause a dent to your overall progress. This point is so important that I'll repeat it again: Psychologically, the faster you get back on track, the more natural it will feel to continue exactly where you left off.

To be continued...

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SMART Recovery Sun, 26 Jan 2020 10:29:33 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346957-Relapse-Prevention---How-to-deal-with-falls#346957
Subject: Introduction and Practical High School Question - by: stronglife https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346944-Introduction-and-Practical-High-School-Question#346944 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346944-Introduction-and-Practical-High-School-Question#346944 Question: My parents are oblivious to my addiction -- and I plan to keep it like that. However, GYE has a lot of material to read and one of my mentors also recently sent me a huge PDF that I don't have the energy to scroll through on a screen for hours on end. I want to purchase the book I was sent and have a hard copy, but I don't have my own amazon account, or credit card or anything. Let's just say I'm having trouble getting the book without my parents. What should I do? ]]> Introduce Yourself Sat, 25 Jan 2020 00:07:24 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346944-Introduction-and-Practical-High-School-Question#346944 Subject: introducing myself and looking to break free - by: zxxz11 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937 Hi everyone and thank you for welcoming me to the GYE community. I have been here before many years ago. Im back. Back then I was single and now Im married with a few kids. I need some guidance from you guys. I have always been someone who craved sexuality. I have never done anything to fill that crave. I got excited when I would see pictures of girls but I did not struggle with constantly searching for it. When I was 18 I dabbled more with porn and when I experienced a personal trauma  (was exposed to a cheating incident) I turned to it again to self-soothe. I went to therapy  eventually got married and it did not seem to be an issue. Then a year in there was a moment that the opportunity to get my hand on an unfiltered phone and I fell. My wife was aware and it was not cool. This happened every so often (once every 2-3 months). Eventually I brought it up in therapy and we worked on it and it did not seem to be an issue rather it was dubbed “normal”. Since then I discussed it with my wife and she has been super supportive. We read amazing books together and it was and continues to be a real growing experience . I don’t own a smart phone, We have web chaver and I don’t have any passwords to any device not filtered. Anytime I sense a loophole I would share it with her and she would block it. Eventually I shared the trauma with my wife which helped her have a better understanding of where it all stemmed from. The open communication has been life changing. We read a book together which talks about how helpful it can be to turn to your wife when you struggle with porn (“love you, hate porn” is the title).

However, my struggle is as follows. I find myself in a situation which comes with some stressful “not in control” moments. We are in a state of unsettledness and it oftentimes gets to me.  I find that every 4-6 weeks this downward spiral starts to kick in. As it kicks in I feel less settled and I “need an escape”. I think to myself “porn can help me now. I have been so good I just need one little dose to help me out of this”. But the voice in my head replies back “ dude, you know it doesn’t work that way”. I usually bring my wife into it and after listening to me and giving me a big hug it sometimes goes away. But lately it has not been. I find myself wondering “what if that computer at work is unfiltered and I get a second with it” “what f that Ipad has an easy code”. Hmmmm, I start to wonder and the thought stays in the back of my mind. I cant seem to get it out. I go through my day and I find myself subconsciously deciding to not workout, not go to minyan so I can “feed” the downfall. Then I start to feel worse and then I get into craze mode of "now I really need this "and somehow I find that escape. A new computer at work, a new ipad that showed up. In the past, when I get my hands on a device I would just go to a website and that was enough to feel that rush without even gazing. I would close the computer instantly. Then there were times where I would go to the website and look for a little longer- a min. I usually took precautions to prevent it from happening again. I started doing well until the next wave comes. That was 6 weeks ago. On the latest fall I looked and stayed on it and spilled seed. When it was just a glance I would share with my wife because she knew something was wrong and she would cry with and hug me. It was very helpful. The masturbation part is too hard to share.

I am coming to you guys for some practical advice. I cant keep coming back to her like this. I feel bad and I am like “what am I doing to myself and why cant I just overcome it for once and for all. Why do I have to have that thought there linger until I fill it up with what I desire. I find all the “shower and exercise ideas help for a day and then the thought and crave is still there. It is there telling me “I will be here until you get it done and then I will make you feel miserable about it”. Rarely has the thought gone away from more than a day.

What do I do? Granted I am going through unsettled times in my life (career changes, moving) but this is adding to it and I want it out. For starters,  I will sign up with the 90 day chart. Does anyone here relate to this situation ? Should I check myself back in for therapy? Is this "normal"? am I an addict? should I join SA?

Any advice would be appreciated

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Break Free Fri, 24 Jan 2020 15:45:44 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346937-introducing-myself-and-looking-to-break-free#346937
Subject: Dealing with Urges ("Urge Management") - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346935-Dealing-with-Urges-%28Urge-Management%29#346935 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346935-Dealing-with-Urges-%28Urge-Management%29#346935 dealing with urges.

Urge Management techniques are for everyone. No matter what program you use to quit, it will always include techniques for dealing with urges. This thread will cover all the evidence-based methods of dealing with urges. 

If you master techniques for dealing with urges, you'll be able to stay clean even if there's nothing external that is stopping you. If you're serious about recovery, try to learn about all these techniques, and pick the ones you think will work best for you (and add them to your plan). Then, with trial and error, you'll find out if those techniques really work for you or if you should try other ones. You can also switch your techniques from time to time to keep things interesting... 

The list of method can be found below.

Note: I've tried to find out which methods are more effective than others, but couldn't find anything conclusive. 8 studies have found that almost all methods are equal, while 6 studies have found that there are differences. Also, most these studies have been done on people struggling with smoking and alcohol. It's possible that with porn and mastrubation, the rankings would be different. I've ordered the list below informally according to how many of studies I've found have actually recommended these methods.  
-
  1. Distract yourself - by doing something else (16 studies pro, 1 against)
  2. Remembering the pros of abstinence (12 studies pro, 0 against)
  3. Delay (12 studies pro, 1 against)
  4. Urge Surfing/Mindfulness (9 studies pro, 0 against)
  5. Remembering Cons / Recall negative consequences (10 studies pro, 0 against)
  6. Distract yourself - by thinking about something else (12 studies pro, 3 against)
  7. Relaxation/Breathing/Meditation (11 studies pro, 1 against)
  8. Coping / Mastery Statements (8 studies pro, 1 against)
  9. Escape / Avoidance (7 studies pro, 0 against)
  10. Acceptance/Mindfulness (7 studies pro, 0 against)
  11. Substitution (9 studies pro, 2 against)
  12. Dispute Thoughts (5 studies pro, 0 against)
  13. Imagery Techniques (6 studies pro, 1 against)
  14. Reach out for social support (6 studies pro, 2 against)
  15. Remembering substance-related successes (3 studies pro, 0 against)
  16. Exercise - during an urge (4 studies pro, 2 against)

In the post below, I'll describe each of the techniques in more detail.doi.org/10.1016/0306-4603(81)90047-2

Shiffman, S. (1984). Coping with temptations to smoke. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 52(2), 261–267. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.52.2.261

Etter, J.-F., Bergman, M. M., & Perneger, T. V. (2000). On quitting smoking: Development of two scales measuring the use of self-change strategies in current and former smokers (Scs-cs and scs-fs). Addictive Behaviors, 25(4), 523–538. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0306-4603(00)00068-X

Rohsenow, D. J., Monti, P. M., Rubonis, A. V., Gulliver, S. B., Colby, S. M., Binkoff, J. A., & Abrams, D. B. (2001). Cue exposure with coping skills training and communication skills training

Gossop, M., Stewart, D., Browne, N., & Marsden, J. (2002). Factors associated with abstinence, lapse or relapse to heroin use after residential treatment: protective effect of coping responses. Addiction, 97(10), 1259–1267. doi.org/10.1046/j.1360-0443.2002.00227.x

Stöffelmayr, B., Wadland, W. C., & Pan, W. (2003). An examination of the process of relapse prevention therapy designed to aid smoking cessation. Addictive Behaviors, 28(7), 1351–1358. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0306-4603(02)00250-2

O’Connell, K. A., Hosein, V. L., & Schwartz, J. E. (2006). Thinking and/or doing as strategies for resisting smoking. Research in Nursing & Health, 29(6), 533–542. https://doi.org/10.1002/nur.20151 / read on deepdyve

Ortendahl, M., & Näsman, P. (2007). Use of Coping Techniques as a Predictor of Lapse When Quitting Smoking among Pregnant and Non-Pregnant Women. American Journal on Addictions, 16(3), 238–243. https://doi.org/10.1080/10550490701375582

Urge-specific and lifestyle coping strategies of alcoholics: relationships of specific strategies to treatment outcome. Dolan, S. L., Rohsenow, D. J., Martin, R. A., & Monti, P. M. (2013). Urge-specific and lifestyle coping strategies of alcoholics: relationships of specific strategies to treatment outcome. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 128(1–2), 8–14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2012.07.010

Brodbeck, J., Bachmann, M. S., & Znoj, H. (2013). Distinct coping strategies differentially predict urge levels and lapses in a smoking cessation attempt. Addictive Behaviors, 38(6), 2224–2229. https://doi.org/10.1016/J.ADDBEH.2013.02.001

Mellentin, A. I., Skøt, L., Nielsen, B., Schippers, G. M., Nielsen, A. S., Stenager, E., & Juhl, C. (2017). Cue exposure therapy for the treatment of alcohol use disorders: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 57, 195–207. https://doi.org/10.1016/J.CPR.2017.07.006

Dicker, M., Frandsen, M., Palmer, M. A., & Ferguson, S. G. (2016). Effectiveness of Coping Strategies at Alleviating Cue-Induced Craving: a Pilot Study. Journal of Smoking Cessation, 11(03), 173–178. doi.org/10.1017/jsc.2014.22

Merchant, G., Pulvers, K., Brooks, R. D., & Edwards, J. (2013). Coping with the urge to smoke: A real-time analysis. Research in Nursing & Health, 36(1), 3–15. https://doi.org/10.1002/nur.21520

In SMART this is called Coping with Urges. Others call it Managing Cravings and Urges, Confronting Urges, Urge Management, or Resisting Urges. Professionals call this "change process" counterconditioning or countering. One of the methods to deal with urges is avoidance - which ties in to another "change process" known stimulus control.

">Spoiler

Note: Two methods have been found to be ineffective. Those are willpower and self-punishment. In other words, people who rely only on those methods aren't more successful than those who use no methods at all...

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SMART Recovery Fri, 24 Jan 2020 11:50:05 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346935-Dealing-with-Urges-%28Urge-Management%29#346935
Subject: Motivational Boosters - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346933-Motivational-Boosters#346933 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346933-Motivational-Boosters#346933
The most fundamental tools are the Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA), and Exploring Values and Roles. It's recommended that you try those first.

This thread will discuss some lesser known techniques that can help you make a decision.

Check your frequency
Getting accurate information about how often you watch porn can give you greater awareness about your behavior, and can challenge your assumptions about the intensity and frequency of your porn use . For the next week or so, keep a record of your porn usage on a physical or digital piece of paper. The table might have the following columns:
  • Date and Time
  • Duration
  • Device
  • Location
  • Notes

Getting more information
Usually focusing on the negatives of porn is counterproductive, because it keeps you focused on the problem rather than on the solution. But during the contemplation stage it can actually be extremely helpful. Learning about the effects of porn might change your perception of the pros and cons of porn, and can tilt your decisional balance towards change.
  • A great resource is truthaboutporn.org/media. It includes over 20 eye opening video interviews with experts on the effects of pornography. The site also showcases a collection of research papers on the topic.
  • If you want to dig deeper check out the book “The Porn Myth”, a non-religious response to pro-pornography arguments. A book exposing the reality behind the fantasy of pornography. The book draws on the experience of porn performers and users, and the expertise of neurologists, sociologists, and psychologists to demonstrate that pornography is destructive to individuals, relationships, and society. The Porn Myth is available at Amazon.com.
  • You can also have a look at the sefer Zos Brisi for Torah reasons to maintain kedusha. When reading such materials, remember your goal right now isn’t to feel guilty about the past, but to reflect on what you truly want fo the future. Facing the truth is uncomfortable, but during the that are considering a change (the contemplation stage) it can help you clarify the (pros and) cons of your behavior and help you decide what you really want. The Hebrew version of Zos Brisi is available for free at https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/zos-brisi, and the English version can be purchased on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Sefer-Zos-Brisi-Guidance-Kedushah/dp/1680250078

Leverage your emotions 
Try imagining how your life will look like in the coming years if you don't change. Imagine tough situations, throughout your life where you'll suffer the consequences of watching porn. Be realistic about what might happen.

Imagine vividly how continued porn usage (for example) and it’s side effects will impact your relationship with your spouse, your children and your career. Imagine the lost opportunities of actualizing your most cherished dreams and life goals because porn has embezzled your time and focus.

Then once your done, imagine how it might feel if you quit. Would you feel much happier? Would you feel more confident? Would you take on new goals? Would it have a positive impact on other areas of your life? Would your relationship improve?  

Often the reason we don't change is because we focus on the short term vs. the long term. The problems we'll have later in life due to watching porn seem too far away. This exercise can help us feel these consequences more vividly and arouse your emotions. One our emotions are aroused, we might feel ready to finally quit.

Record Your Thoughts
Another technique to arouse your emotions is do a quick video or voice recording each time you finish watching porn and talk passionately about how it made you feel.  At the end of the week, listen to the recordings, and check your decisional balance worksheet to see if there’s anything to add.


Discover Your Motives
Each time you watch porn, before you actually watch, think why you are doing it and record it somewhere. If you'd like you can make a table like this:


  • Date and Time
  • Location
  • Why I want to do this? (e.g. I'm bored, stimulated, stressed etc.)
  • Notes

After a little while, you'll be able to look back and see why you're doing what you're doing. By becoming more aware of your motives, it can help you get the clarity you need to make a decision. For example, you might notice, that very often you're watching because your stressed or tired, not because of pure lust. You then might come to the conclusion that if it's mostly due to stress, there are far better ways of dealing with then by continuing the current behavior.

Credit: Many of these ideas are based on the books Changing for Good, and Addiction and Change.

here.

">Spoiler



Here's one more idea from the book Changeology:



Tip: Say Goodbye

Write a goodbye letter to your problem or old way of being. Put your heart into the letter. Explain the harm that porn has caused you and others and then how leaving it will improve your life.

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SMART Recovery Fri, 24 Jan 2020 09:40:35 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346933-Motivational-Boosters#346933
Subject: Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA) - Pros & Cons Exercise - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346929-Cost-Benefit-Analysis-%28CBA%29---Pros--Cons-Exercise#346929 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346929-Cost-Benefit-Analysis-%28CBA%29---Pros--Cons-Exercise#346929 Do you feel ambivalent about porn? Do you both love it and despise it? Ambivalence is not the same as indifference. Ambivalence means that you have contradictory feelings towards porn at the same time. Do you feel like you really need it, but also feel that you need to stop? Do you feel that would like to stop, but aren’t ready yet?

“Celebrate Yetzias Mitzrayim in Shanghai, combined with a Far East cruise. The 18-day trip will take you to China, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, The Philippines & Hong Kong, with an experienced tour guide, Kosher for Passover mehadrin meals and luxury accommodations.”

The ad looks interesting. China always intrigued you. You might even find some business opportunities there. But 18 days? That’s a lot of time. Is it normal to go the Far East for 18 days? On the other hand, it could be very relaxing and refreshing. You’ll have an amazing time and come back with with lot of energy.

Another factor is the price. Is this the best way to spend your money? Why the Far East? Will the atmosphere be appropriate? Will the kashrus standards be up to par? Maybe a summer trip to Europe makes more sense.

This state of ambivalence (mixed feelings about your options) is called contemplation. It’s natural to spend some time in this stage before any big decision, whether it’s deciding who to marry, where to travel or whether to change a habit.

It will take a few days or weeks to decide whether to go to the Far East. You need to carefully weigh the pros and cons so that you can make an informed decision. You know that if you impulsively decide to go, you are asking for buyers remorse. 

The Cost Benefit Analysis (CBA), also known as Decisional Balance Exercise outside of SMART, can help us reach clarity when you have mixed feelings about something.

The best strategy to resolving our amblivance and finally making a decision, is to put all your considerations for change on one piece of paper, so that you can see them at once and compare the factors to each other.

Here are some sample worksheets:



Usually, we either think about the pros of the behavior (e.g. it’s enjoyable), or about the cons (e.g. this goes against my values and I really need to stop). This causes us to feel stuck and ambivalent about change.

With the CBA, we can review both the pros and cons at once, compare them to each other, and then reach a decision about how to proceed.

Some tips:


  • If you are struggling with both porn and masturbation, do a separate CBA for each.
  • Try to fill out the CBA worksheet as thoroughly as possible, don’t rush it. It’s OK to work on this for a few hours or even a few days.
  • Once satisfied with what you wrote, you can write “short term” or “long term” near each item.

Hopefully, this exercise will show you that the pros of change outweigh the cons. In the future, if you ever have doubts or second thoughts about what you really want, you’ll be able to remind yourself, that when you thought about it with a clear mind, you’ve come to a solid decision about what is best for you.

If you find it hard to come up with the pros of quitting, try doing the Roles & Values exercises

Feel free to post your pros and cons in this thread, it can give inspiration to other members when doing their own CBA.

I've put some of my examples in the spoiler below. But it's works best if you come up with your own reasons, instead of copying some else's.

Spoiler]]>
SMART Recovery Fri, 24 Jan 2020 01:03:56 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346929-Cost-Benefit-Analysis-%28CBA%29---Pros--Cons-Exercise#346929
Subject: How The "Stages of Change" can help you - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346927-How-The-Stages-of-Change-can-help-you#346927 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346927-How-The-Stages-of-Change-can-help-you#346927 Stages of Change. (The full official name is "The transtheoretical model of behavior change".)

I don't see any threads about it yet, so this thread will be dedicated to explaining this concept and how it can help you.

Like a Rosetta Stone, understanding the Stages of Change, can help you understand yourself much better, and also help clarify what you should be focusing on. 

The Stages of Change talks that for each behavior/habit/addiction we want to change, we can be in one of 5 stages:
  1. Precontemplation - You're not interested in changing. Your goal is to start considering change.
  2. Contemplation - You're considering the change, but have mixed feelings. Your goal is to make a decision.
  3. Preparation - You're making a personal realistic and acceptable plan. Your goal is to make a commitment to implement the plan. 
  4. Action - You're taking action to implement the plan, improving the plan with trial and error, dealing with slips and falls. Your goal is to apply the plan for 6 months and gain confidence that you can really do it.
  5. Maintenance - You're sustaining your new behavior and working to prevent relapse. Your goal is to improve your lifestyle in a way that supports the change for the long term.

Now, the question of what to do next depends heavily on what stage you're currently at. I'll talk about that in the next post.]]>
SMART Recovery Thu, 23 Jan 2020 23:38:20 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346927-How-The-Stages-of-Change-can-help-you#346927
Subject: Proper Perspective On Sin And Punishment - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346921-Proper-Perspective-On-Sin-And-Punishment#346921 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346921-Proper-Perspective-On-Sin-And-Punishment#346921
If Hashem only wants to give good to us, why did He put us in this world and make us earn the great experience we will receive in the next world? Why didn’t He just put us there and grant us that reward right away?

The whole system of aveiros and punishment was created out of love for us and for our best, even if we don’t understand how. Hashem doesn’t hate us for sinning or punish us angrily because He lost His cool, chas veshalom. It would be perverse and insane (and heretical) to claim Hashem really lost control and became enraged. Rather, whenever He relates to us in a way that resembles anger, He does so only because He loves us and relating to us that way is best for us at that moment. He has not left us, even though He is making it hard for us to see Him for whatever reason. When we understand that Hashem still yearns for us, we won’t feel repelled and will continue to try to connect with Him.

In addition, issurim and consequences give us the strength to stand up to desire and reach greatness. Hashem created us to give us the greatest experience ever, and He wants us to be close to Him. By giving us laws we must follow, He gives us the strength to overpower our urges and attain eternity.

Additionally, we must remember that Hashem Himself made our challenges so difficult. He knows how hard they are.
He understands that people mess up, and though of course He doesn’t ignore what we do, He still loves us just as much when we fall into the trap of the yetzer hara. Hashem loves us even if we are swayed by desire and act foolishly. He loves us no matter how far we fall.

Don’t let the yetzer hara convince you otherwise. Any suggestion that Hashem doesn’t love you or has rejected you is a lie. It doesn’t matter how convincing it is because of your sins it is wrong. Hashem still loves you as much as before. Even when you fall flat on your face, Hashem sees every bit that you tried and says, “How wonderful! Look how my children are trying to serve me despite great difficulty!”

Every system Hashem created — including the concepts of sins and consequences — and everything He does is out of love for us and for our ultimate enjoyment. That never changes, no matter what we do.]]>
The Torah & Chizuk Approach Thu, 23 Jan 2020 17:23:38 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346921-Proper-Perspective-On-Sin-And-Punishment#346921
Subject: Making a plan - by: MenachemGYE https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346915-Making-a-plan#346915 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346915-Making-a-plan#346915 plan of action often referred to as a "Change Plan". All comment are welcome! You're also welcome to post a copy of your own plan if you'd like to get feedback on it.

Making a personal plan is one of the most critical things we need to do to change an addictive behavior.  

Project MATCH began in 1989 in the United States and was sponsored by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). The project was an 8-year, multi site, $27-million investigation that studied which types of alcoholics respond best to which forms of treatment. 

The motivational enhancement therapy developed for Project MATCH included the following template for a plan:
  • The changes I want to make are:
  • The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are:
  • The steps I plan to take in changing are:
  • The ways other people can help me are: (include the names of some people and the possible ways each one can help)
  • I will know if my plan is working if:
  • Some things that could interfere with my plan

Here are some details that explain each of the areas. It's quoted from https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/projectmatch/match02.pdf p. 34-36 with a few minor changes.

The changes I want to make are...
In what ways or areas do you want to make a change? Be specific. (e.g. Do you want to stop both porn and mastrubation, or do you want to focus now on only one of these behaviors.)
The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are... What are the likely consequences of action and inaction? Which motivations for change seem most compelling?

The steps I plan to take in changing are...
How do you plan to achieve the goals? How could the desired change be accomplished? Within the general plan and strategies described, what are some specific, concrete first steps that you can take? When, where, and how will these steps be taken?

This usually will focus on 2 areas: Dealing with urges, and Stimulus Control (avoiding triggers and blocking access) 


The ways other people can help me are...
In what ways could other people help the client in taking these steps toward change? How will the you arrange for such support?

I will know that my plan is working if...
What do you hope will happen as a result of this change plan? What benefits could be expected from this change?

Some things that could interfere with my plan are...
Try to anticipate situations or changes that could undermine the plan. What could go wrong? How could you stick with the plan despite these problems or setbacks?]]>
SMART Recovery Thu, 23 Jan 2020 16:16:04 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346915-Making-a-plan#346915
Subject: 6 years later... Back on the road to 90 days! - by: Fightingaddictionnow https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/346895-6-years-later-Back-on-the-road-to-90-days%21#346895 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/346895-6-years-later-Back-on-the-road-to-90-days%21#346895
First joined gye 6 years ago. Had my ups and downs, then broke free and had a really good year+ of staying clean! Been a slippery slope for a while now and got back in a rut.

I've resolved to stop again and I've logged back on here to get some chizuk, read some of my own advice I wrote years ago, and track my journey. It's been about a month but I didn't make an exact note of my first clean day, so I've put the beginning of the calendar year as my start. Almost a third of the way to 90 days!

Starting this thread to keep track, feel free to drop a comment with some chizuk or advice! Thanks gye for being here - let's do this together!]]>
On the Way to 90-Days Wed, 22 Jan 2020 12:04:57 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/346895-6-years-later-Back-on-the-road-to-90-days%21#346895
Subject: Breaking free for Bochurim headed towards Shidduch - by: Yid613400 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886
I'm fairly new to GYE. I'm 21 and have been struggling for quite a few years.

It's always been bothering me and I've tried countless times to stop watching porn etc. 

I've even spoken and confided with my rebbi about it, nothing seems to help. I have a filter and of course I get around it. I've tried leaving my phone out of my room at night .....

Its all hit me recently beacuse my parents started talking about shidduchim, which to me seems very scary, to enter into a new stage in life with a new person that you are supposed to support and be supported by, but at the same time have this nasty addiction?!???

Any help would be greatly appreciated.]]>
Break Free Wed, 22 Jan 2020 03:17:04 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/346886-Breaking-free-for-Bochurim-headed-towards-Shidduch#346886
Subject: Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev Program - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346877-Machsom-L%E2%80%99Ayin-VLev-Program#346877 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346877-Machsom-L%E2%80%99Ayin-VLev-Program#346877 Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev Program
(this idea was adapted from - "Power of Speech Machsom L'fi")

What is a Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev and how does it work?
Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev is a program in which people commit themselves to focusing for a predefined set period of time each day on the proper use of their eyes and thoughts.

During that time, they commit to have extra focus and concentrate on staying away from tempting situations and avoiding to look at or think of anything that might be inappropriate. Typically, a Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev is 30 minutes to an hour daily.
This time period can also be used to learn (or read books) a sefer about Shmiras Habris or say Tehilim and Daven for siyata dishmaya.  

Small, winnable increments of time is the secret of success of Machsom L’Ayin V'Lev.
By taking on just a small period of time each day in which you are committed (bli neder) to be especially careful with your eyes and thoughts, you set a goal that you can achieve.
Day by day, you build the habits and confidence to win the war and acquire all the brochos the torah promises to one who is careful with their Divine gifts of eyes and mind.

Even if a person does succumb to the temptation later, he has still earned immeasurable reward for his period of restraint, and has strengthened the “spiritual muscle” he had used to maintain his cleanliness  at that time.]]>
The Torah & Chizuk Approach Tue, 21 Jan 2020 20:28:17 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346877-Machsom-L%E2%80%99Ayin-VLev-Program#346877
Subject: NEW Concept: "1000 Times Chart" - by: DavidT https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/5-Announcements/346861-NEW-Concept-1000-Times-Chart#346861 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/5-Announcements/346861-NEW-Concept-1000-Times-Chart#346861    "1000 Times Chart"

Please review this new concept and let me know your feedback so we can perfect it. 

​The idea is to have a chart (see attachment) with 1000 boxes and start/end dates. 

Every time (this is not a day count, can even be 1000 times a day) you have an urge and you keep strong you'll check a box. Checks are never deleted (no pencils please) and you'll never need to start over again.
The goal is to be able to see your accomplishments on paper and see to how fast the wins accumulate. 

What we're trying to accomplish is that a person should be able to recognize how many times he is actually keeping strong and hopefully that will give him confidence and be a big chizzuk to be able to grow even more.   ]]>
Announcements Tue, 21 Jan 2020 15:26:39 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/5-Announcements/346861-NEW-Concept-1000-Times-Chart#346861
Subject: Trying to break free from pornagraphy - by: Davej https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346822-Trying-to-break-free-from-pornagraphy#346822 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346822-Trying-to-break-free-from-pornagraphy#346822 anyone have any ideas how to break free.
I have a filter but you can get apps that bypass the filter. ]]>
Introduce Yourself Sun, 19 Jan 2020 22:14:54 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/346822-Trying-to-break-free-from-pornagraphy#346822