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Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

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Re: Square one 08 Apr 2021 19:48 #366554

Acted out twice today. Didn't look at porn or nudity(first time in a while) but wasn't much better then that.
Still trying to adjust the settings on the new filter to the correct settings.
The following user(s) said Thank You: OivedElokim, HappyYid, Zedj

Re: Nocturnal Emissions 08 Apr 2021 19:22 #366553

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Ok I will, I think that is for the better. Thank you very much.
  • Fool
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49 Days in and I had a fall. Back to square 1.

Just kidding! I made a ton of progress in 49 days. This is the longest I was ever clean. I went through some very triggering times and managed to deal with them and stay clean. I have learned a lot and found lots of tools that worked. I feel by getting to 49 days I broke a barrier in my mind. I feel that doing it again will be easy (of course not easy easy, but easier than the first time). I know it's possible for me to do and I will use the knowledge and skills I have developed and acquired to do it again and do it better and do it for longer. 

So what went wrong? I've pinpointed a couple of items.
1. No filter. I felt that not having filters was important for my early recovery. I was deep in my addiction and needed to be totally focused to quit. Having filters would have just created a challenge for myself and I know from pervious experience that if I decided to relapse I would have done it no matter what. I would have driven to a 24 hour Walmart and bought a new phone, and I would have felt amazing the entire time I was doing it. I always knew that I would need to get filters later on, when I inevitably (and desirably) became less focused on recovery and could get accidently triggered. I thought it would be after 90 days but I should have gotten filters around day 40. I do not regret the decision to not have a filter, I feel it was the right thing to do at the time and would do it again. I only made a mistake of when I decided to implement it. 
The way I failed is because I ended up wanting to just see what is new out there. I have specific things/people I follow and I knew that there would be a huge load of new content. I just wanted to look and see what's there. This is obviously a passing fancy and I had it many many times throughout 49 days and was able to fight it. The problem here is that I did start to move on a bit and lose focus on recovery (which is good, I want to live my life) but the stuff was only a couple of tiny thumb movements away. I convinced myself to look and it was just too easy to do so. Plus all of the weight of knowing it's so close and choosing constantly not to look added up and I failed. 
This time through I will get a filter right from the start. I am not in the same place I was in last time and I feel the main physical addiction has been largely eliminated. I can use the filter properly, to avoid passing triggers or fancies. It also takes a little weight off my head in that it's not just a few thumb taps away and I would have to take much bigger action, which will be easier for me to prevent. I feel good about having a filter this time, whereas last time I knew it would not be positive at the beginning.
[I know most people here do not agree with me on the no filter thing. This is my assessment of myself, not a suggestion for others]

2. Lack of other positive changes in my life. This time I was totally focused on just not looking at P. Any time I felt bad because I was doing poorly in other areas, I'd focus on how the only goal for the near future was to not watch P. This made the challenge huge and hard and one of my only focuses in life. Which is certainly important when trying to break such a strong, long term, and deeply engrained addiction, but may be detrimental if left that way for too long. I had little to think about during the boring times, when all I could do was think. I'd just contemplate the recovery and while that was good for a while it got old and frustrating. While this all worked well for 49 days(!), it is not sustainable for the long term. 
This time I will focus more on challenging myself and adding new and engaging activities. New hobbies, new skills, continue to develop professionally, new studies. I will not allow myself to be complacent and only focus on recovery. 

​Important things that worked well last time:
1. Guarding my eyes - this one can't be stressed enough. Being ever vigilant made the whole process so much easier. The less lustful content I allowed to enter my mind the easier it was to never think about it and the easier it made it to avoid it. Plus the act of looking away, or thinking away, built important self control muscles and helped keep me focused, aware, and in control.
2. Exercise - quitting this addiction left me feeling pent up and frustrated very often. And sometimes down. Exercise helps relieve all these feelings while also making me feel like I accomplished something. I'd save the frustration up and then go on a difficult run to relieve it.
3. Meditation - so important for keeping me grounded and in control of my mind. It takes away a lot of negative thoughts and trains me to learn how to accept and let other thoughts and feelings go. Often times I fail because of the building tension and meditation allows me to address that tension in a productive manner, deal with it and let it go. Last time I allowed myself to be pretty lazy with it and gave myself a lot of slack but this time I am fully committed to doing it every day (and not leaving it till last minute).
4. GYE + others - reading the material on this board and others made me much more well equipped to deal with the challenges. Also, any time I felt down or like I couldn't make it, I'd read this website and others to see how others were doing or did and it would give me strength. It is comforting and empowering to know that I am not alone or unique in my struggles.

I'm going to come on here to try and post my progress in this journey to 90 days and beyond. 
The following user(s) said Thank You: DavidT, Grant400, Sapy, thetimeisnow!, Lou, בינוני

Re: Square one 08 Apr 2021 18:04 #366550

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Looking_to_improve wrote on 08 Apr 2021 17:18:
Changed over filters to gentech today. BH didn't do anything while switching over. 

Good job!
I remember a couple of times that I had to ask my filter company to unlock the filter for 'only' ten minutes because I needed to do something for real...but during those ten minutes, 7 of them were used for watching porn...
Now BH I got smarter and my wife has the code so I can't ask them to open it at all...
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com

Re: Square one 08 Apr 2021 17:18 #366549

Changed over filters to gentech today. BH didn't do anything while switching over. 
Feeling a taaiva now to masturbate. Still don't know how this filter works exactly, so still a bit nervous that I need to have it set up correctly
I need to take this opportunity of a new filter to not search for loopholes
The following user(s) said Thank You: HappyYid

Re: Starting to get it 08 Apr 2021 16:55 #366547

  • Taharat Yisrael
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BH, Israel is as amazing as usual. Thanks for your concern. Army is tough. Moved bases. I got the security clearance I've been waiting for but still can serve in an intelligence job. Once I was moved to the communications corps(dealing w equipment, electrical hardware etc) i was there to stay. Thank G-d I get out 2/3 שבתות and get to spend time w friends. Most likely going back to my yeshiva in Elul.
The following user(s) said Thank You: wilnevergiveup

Re: NEW THREAD 08 Apr 2021 15:47 #366546

  • thetimeisnow!
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I have many fences in place to fight the YH so BH I will be successful.

As for quitting porn, at a certain point I became so attached to the timer on my phone that counted the hours since I had last watched anything immodest that I actually became afraid to watch porn (however, I still have urges, its just that I am able to overcome them much easier now that I can see how long I can go without it).

My geirus are still in place, if you want I can send a copy of them to you!

And I am not part of the Jewish nation yet, BH that will happen this summer! I am very excited

thetimeisnow!
The following user(s) said Thank You: HappyYid

Re: My Clean Days Log 08 Apr 2021 15:26 #366545

  • wilnevergiveup
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 08 Apr 2021 13:43:
Well, I made it to day #188.

I had some falls over the last three weeks. All of them were masturbation only except one.

Starting the count again, but not starting over again. I have made a lot of progress and I am taking that and moving forward.

Will start posting regularly here for the accountability.

Thanks all for the support!

The sign of a true ben aliyah!
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
  • strugle613
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Grant400 wrote on 08 Apr 2021 13:47:
I find that sometimes when I have these feelings for a few days, each day acting out becomes more of an option and I seem closer. What I do is to add another layer of commitment that forces it to become less of an option. This removes it from your mind to a certain extent because since you don't want to suffer the consequences you feel way less likely to give in,  so it lessens the intense drive. Like add a taphsic or the like. Whatever works for you.

I already do taphsic. (I believe it is really a double because I have rewards for successful days as well.) 
Perhaps I should consider adding on to it.
Thanks

Re: NEW THREAD 08 Apr 2021 14:09 #366542

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thetimeisnow! wrote on 08 Apr 2021 13:55:
.... I hope the YH isn't waiting for me around the corner...

I can't say he definitely is, but I could say that he probably is...just be prepared.

Very impressive about the no porn for 80 days!
Great job!
Keep it up!

Btw what happened with your geirus?
Are you part of klal Yisroel yet? It sounds funny writing that to someone, not sure why, I guess I don't deal with geirim too often ...

HappyYid
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com

Re: NEW THREAD 08 Apr 2021 13:55 #366541

  • thetimeisnow!
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Day 12 BH

I am very surprised how few urges I've had so far. Not to jump the gun, but this time around as been...eerily easy. I hope the YH isn't waiting for me around the corner...

On the other hand, maybe my no tolerance strategy is working. Basically that means that I try my best not to look or touch down there, and I do everything possible to switch the topic in my mind when something immodest pops in there. Its hard work and annoying, but I think it is starting to pay off.

Also, this is day 80 for me from pornography so that is cool. Know that it is possible! I never thought I could break free from those websites, but here I am!
The following user(s) said Thank You: HappyYid, Zedj, Sapy

Re: Starting to get it 08 Apr 2021 13:54 #366540

  • Grant400
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Hey! Welcome back! Was missing you!

I thought maybe you have to go undercover for a secret mission: )
I can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com

Re: My Clean Days Log 08 Apr 2021 13:51 #366539

  • Grant400
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 08 Apr 2021 13:43:
.
I had some falls over the last three weeks. All of them were masturbation only except one.

Love the attitude. Love this line. Should be a GYE bumper sticker! 
I can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com
  • Grant400
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I find that sometimes when I have these feelings for a few days, each day acting out becomes more of an option and I seem closer. What I do is to add another layer of commitment that forces it to become less of an option. This removes it from your mind to a certain extent because since you don't want to suffer the consequences you feel way less likely to give in,  so it lessens the intense drive. Like add a taphsic or the like. Whatever works for you.
I can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com
The following user(s) said Thank You: strugle613

Re: My Clean Days Log 08 Apr 2021 13:43 #366535

Well, I made it to day #188.

I had some falls over the last three weeks. All of them were masturbation only except one.

Starting the count again, but not starting over again. I have made a lot of progress and I am taking that and moving forward.

Will start posting regularly here for the accountability.

Thanks all for the support!
The following user(s) said Thank You: HappyYid, wilnevergiveup, Sapy
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