I can relate to what yitzchokm said. For me, getting to the root of the "issue", cravings for male relationships - has helped me,not healed me, but helped me. Male relationships are really a normal natural thing that a person needs - IN A NORMAL HEALTHY WAY. A hug from a father. A pat on the back from a rebbe. friends etc. If it was lacking in some way shape or form, it can cause a person without realizing it to crave it in unhealthy ways, but only becaue he doesnt understand what it is he actually needs. 
Again every person is different.
On a side note, has there ever been a discussion for an a phone only meeting with others struggling in ssa - obviously only if properly vetted. Personally, I would appreciate being able to call in a number to talk to others who struggle in the same area as I do.
Food for thought

Shalom Brother Shmitchik,

Just wanted to let you know that I read and appreciated the honesty in your post.

Kol Tov

Hi chevra, i called a chatline today........, it's really really not ok, there's no way to get rid of the accessibility! it's so frustrating...., i know i should be reaching out to a friend before and i hope to do that in the future, but still it would be really beneficial if it weren't so readily available, like with porn and other stuff i would have to think long before i do it... but the chatline is right there...., if anyone has any eitzos to help get rid of my accessibility please please please... i would consider changing phone service to one where i can block it all if there is a such a option, please let me know, thank you!

This is my first time posting on this forum and I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right place but here goes.
I’ve been struggling with P and M for the past few years. I used gye two years ago for a few months and then I stopped. I recently joined again and decided I would be clean for thirty days and I was hoping that this would help me find a shidduch. My previous longest streak was two weeks.
I closed all the gaps I had in my filter and I really tried very hard to stay clean. After a little over two weeks a shidduch came up and it was the most serious one in a long time. I felt this was in the zechus of me keeping clean for the longest streak ever. Then they said no. I was a little down for a few days but I felt no urge at all to act out.
A few days ago I had to get a new device and I took it straight to the gentech store to have it filtered. I didn’t even turn it on at home.
Then today while using the device I found a loophole in the filter. I watched some things I’m ashamed of for a few minutes and then said to myself, “no I’m committed to thirty days!” So I closed my device, and went to learn in shul with a friend.
On the way home I called gentech and told them about the issue and they said they fixed it. I checked when I got home and it was not fixed so they told me it would take some time for the new settings to apply. I waited a few hours and it was still working. Eventually I broke and lost my longest streak ever. I even skipped minyan so I could watch P.
Afterwards I davened Mincha in my bedroom and I cried. I honestly don’t remember the last time I cried.
I’m honestly more mad at God than myself, He knew I was trying to get to thirty days and I’m sure He saw how hard I was trying, so why did He have to mess me up? Why did he have to tempt me with something He knew I would fail?
I don’t even know why I wrote this, I just felt I had to. I’m not even looking for advice, I’m just venting. If you’re still reading I’m sorry for wasting your time.

Day 5:

In the community I met 4 more yehudim who live in my city. (A total of 5)

It seems like all the “problems” are being solved, I'm doing my college homework faster, I don't care what strangers think of me, I can now say “הַעֲבֵר עֵינַי מֵרְאוֹת שָׁוְא בִּדְרָכֶךָ חַיֵּנִי” on the street in front of strangers even if they look at me strange. In the community they gave me the zechut to carry the sefer Haftarah on Shabbat. What more can I ask for? This is too much.

Cumulative Stats
Current Streak: 2 wins
Total Wins: 116 days
Total Losses: 14 days
Winning Percentage: 89.23%

Today's positive action towards recovery:
30 minutes of cardio for stress relief 

been struggling since my last post. Been playing whack-a-mole  trying to close off access points to porn. Seems like every time I cut one off and have a clear path to 90 days ahead of me, I (without seeking one) encounter a new access point in one way or another. It’s frustrating living in such a digitally connected world. The internet is everywhere 

As of yesterday, things are pretty well locked up. For now anyway…

chancyhk wrote on 13 May 2025 14:58:

Okay. Very nice. Bolded words, redded (the word for when something became red) words. These do not reveal, to my understanding, how you knew I was an imposter.

Today, for no reason I can tell, was an absolute disaster of a day.

Not lust-wise. Life-wise.

Fighting with my wife over nothing, came super late to (my brand new) work, shouted at kids. The works.

I'm not sure what happened. What is very interesting is that 1) if I didn't have a little clean streak going there is no question at all I would've turned to porn. 2) While I'm (at least trying to be) very grateful I didn't do that, and I know it would have only made things worse, it does (as always) surprise me that leaving porn didn't turn my life into a sparkly rainbow of joy. 3) As a convo with the great hopeful P drove home, all those negative character traits that lead me down the path of porn are still there. And they ain't gonna go away by themselves.

Life goes on (
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)

As someone who had active SSA with other boys until I was 12, and I still had SSA thoughts into my 30s, at least in my case I wouldn't define it as another lust issue. There were a lot of very deep emotions I had that were unique to SSA and they had nothing to do with lust.

I almost went down a rabbit hole today but I have pulled myself out and walked away from a potential trigger .BH for GYE ! 

I had a streak of 800 days and then on day 801 I fell and fell and fell.......

I had some strange urges over the last few weeks that I was able to shrug off relatively easily. It should have raised a red flag to reach out to someone but after such a long streak I was too overconfident. I was in front of a device last Wednesday and was overtaken by the urge to determine whether it was filtered. Anyways, I went down the rabbit hole and spent several days underground catching up on what I missed for the last 2+ years! OUCH!!!!!! I got through Shabbos including Motzei Shabbos and thought I was ready to get a new streak going but Sunday was again a bad day. BH yesterday I was finally able to get a hold of myself and let sanity back in. Yesterday was a real battle. Today was not necessarily easy but definitely better. I have taken steps to deal with the specific device that caused the issue. 

I can say that if not for GYE I definitely would not have achieved the 800 day streak and this setback would have completely shattered me. Coming back here and being able to be open about what happened is a lifesaver. I am still incredibly proud and amazed by what I accomplished in having well over 2 years clean when I consider my past history. I am confident (but not overconfident) that the new streak that I am starting will lead to even greater accomplishments. I will not let this setback get me down! The way I look at it is that in the last 815 days I have a success rate of over 99%! 

Still processing and will check back in. 

NO MORE YKW! I'm done with the bloodshed and ready to fight!
Sir Cadagon and I shall till ye Irons!
Slit thy Gallblatter!
we shall not back down!

I'm grateful to be alive (even though my avatar is quite dead).
I'm grateful for blueberry muffins.
I'm grateful for Ice cream.
I'm grateful for blankets.
I'm grateful that I'm not using a typewriter right now.

I have married friends with SSA. They are attracted to their wives but usually just them (as women). The burden of shame and secrecy can be heavy, but as a non-SSA I don't see your struggle any different from mine with prostitutes and Massage parlor women from different races and lower social classes. There can be shame in whatever our "preferred flavor" of lust is, but that doesn't define you. 

We're in the same boat - trying to walk with Hashem on the daily and win one day at a time. 

Hatzlacha

I was thinking about that, but I have more experience with the cold, like when I once broke the ice in a lake to toivel (yeah, I used to be fanatic about my avodah, and you-know-what happened along the way).
Also there's a great lesson told by the Baal Shem Tov when he saw ice being carved into a cross - the result of losing passion and warmth for the important things in life can be an indifference to Hashem and everything we hold dear.