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Welcome!

Please check out these great free resources:
ebook- The Battle of the Generation
Audio series- The Fight
They're very good to start with.
See below in my signature for the links.​

Hatzlocha!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge
It took me 50 something days to realize that it's not about the 90 days. This is about me, my wife and my life.

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
3 things to think about... 
#1 do you want to stop?
#2 WHY do you want to stop?
#3 (assuming you answered yes to #1 and found your why) What behaviors are causing you to fall
#4 stop overthinking
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It's great to have you on board with us. Welcome! 

You will be seeing posts on your thread from other married people here on GYE, or you might get messages from them, so be on the lookout for that. I would love to help but I have absolutely no experience with marriage.

In other regards, if you would like, please look at the resources in my signature because they are one aspect of many things that will help you on your journey.

Wishing you much hatzlacha!
FOR FREE FILTERS AND ACCOUNTABILITY SOLUTIONS CLICK HERE
(Includes WebChaver/CovenantEyes, Microsoft Family Safety, and Apple
Screentime
and a how-to guide to set them up without loopholes)  

Even if you already have a filter, these are necessary additions because
they fix many loopholes that exist with paid filters (speaking from firsthand
experience) and because they add priceless accountability features.

If you have trouble filtering a shared device, then see the post for how
to get these filters discreetly, without any other users' knowledge whatsoever
and without the filters affecting the other users of the device at all.
Last Edit: 05 Aug 2022 15:56 by ליוסף הצדיק.
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  • Larry Bird
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davethebrave1 wrote on 05 Aug 2022 03:50:

Hey everyone,

Here's my first post:

My struggle started at age 12, when I was first exposed to pornography. I grew up modox but my parents were pretty strict on me not talking to girls. I'll never forget the first time I got caught messaging a girl. My parents read the inappropriate convo and I wanted to sink into the ground. I got on my bike and just pedaled. I left for hours (without a phone) and finally came home just before dark. I tried to quickly hide my actions. I'd message any girl I could find on social media, hoping someone would reply. 1 out of 30 would answer, and at 13 years old I had my first sexual experience with a complete stranger.

In high school I went from one girl to another. I watched porn consistently and kept hooking up, breaking up, and repeating. I always knew that this is completely misaligned with my values and that one day I'd be toichoi kvaroi--behaving fully aligned with my values of Halacha, Shomer negiah, etc.

Finally I decided to cut down. When I was 15 I decided I'm not yet ready to be Shomer but at least I'll stop hooking up. It lasted for about a year and a bit and then I relapsed. I reverted to lurking online, meeting strangers (mainly online because no one I knew was interested in this sexual behavior without real commitment), and hooking up. Finally when I graduated HS I was preparing for my gap year Yeshiva in Israel. This was my time to adopt the values I'd always dreamed of solidifying. I had a serious girlfriend and we decided to be Shomer. It worked, and I was focused enough for a few months to not mess up. Started my year in Israel on the right foot. After being Shomer for 6 months, we mutually agreed to break up because we were heading our separate ways (within Yiddishkeit) and didn't see a long term future together.

I decided to continue in Yeshiva instead of going to university, and I reverted back to watching porn but was able to stay Shomer negiah. Eventually I stumbled. I reverted back to lurking on social media and interacting inappropriately with random strangers. I reconnected with old girlfriends and despite being more frum, went back to my old ways of hooking up--this time really hiding it from everyone. I then continued to lurk and hook up with random strangers. I always had one limit which BH I had always kept, no matter the circumstance. But everything else was fair game. It came to a point where I'd keep hooking up and then just get so bored of it that I'd stop and then relapse a short while later. I continued on in Yeshiva, growing in my Yiddishkeit. The more I grew the more I had to hide my behavior, and the more of an imposter I felt.

I reached a point where every week I'd meet someone new, hook up, and the next morning delete everything, delete my accounts, and promise to myself I'd never mess up again. I didn't tell a soul.

For better or for worse I was never caught or discovered, even by my roommates in Yeshiva when I'd leave in the middle of the night. Eventually a close friend noticed that I'd been acting differently (I had been struggling particularly badly at that time) and he got me to open up to him. He suggested therapy, and I was about to start Shidduchim so I decided to man up and tell my parents and go to therapy.

I went for one session and the therapist told me this behavior is normal--everyone was doing it in the 70s when he grew up.

Shidduchim came around. Whenever I was dating someone I was able to hold back from messaging anyone else or hooking up. Eventually I'd engage in the behavior between dating. About a year later I finally met the woman who would eventually become my wife. BH we connected on such a deep level and of course I behaved properly while we were dating. I even opened up to her about my struggle, and after talking it out and explaining it, she felt comfortable moving forward and getting engaged. I thought finally this will relieve me of my struggle. Unsurprisingly, this was far from the reality. While we dated and were engaged and even a few months into marriage I barely even thought about messing up (watching porn).

Eventually, although our relationship was building, I again felt an urge to mess up. I tried to reconnect with people I had interacted with on my old burner accounts and got back into lurking on social media looking for someone to interact inappropriately with. I knew I'd never CHV meet up with anyone. But to just watch porn and occasionally message I couldn't hold back. Not long after this relapse my wife caught wind of what was happening and I filled her in. It was a devastating shock, but we committed to supporting each other in this journey and she was willing to stand by my side. I went another few weeks without stumbling and then would relapse. I'd watch porn or message someone. I began therapy which started to help, and bH finally I had begun to invest real work into this struggle. Fast forward 6 months. I feel like I've been going in circles with this behavior and convincing my wife to forgive me every time. BH I'm making slow and steady progress in the right direction. I've committed to joining Guard Your Eyes in hopes that the comraderie and support will help me fight the good fight and succeed. 

If you could relate I'd love to hear from you and connect. 

L'chaim to giving this our best shot.


This is an amazing post. This seems to have been sitting on your heart for your whole life. I can definitely relate to that. It’s like you don’t know any life without it. I often wonder how much I’ve been held back because of this. Where would I have been had I not indulged endlessly. You are an absolute gibor. And you are quite lucky to have such an eishes chayil by your side. I hope she knows that you are a very good man with a very common issue, not a pervert who took her for a loop. I can’t imagine the trauma of having my parents catch me doing this type of thing. Bh my parents led by example without being too intrusive. If they would have been hovering over me I probably would not be where I am right now. 
The past is in the past and now is your time to shine. The more you think about your misdeeds the harder it is to grow. Don’t let yourself guilt over it. There’s no guilt in the tshuva process.

Best of luck to you!
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You wrote "I know quitting is the right thing". What do you mean by that. Why is it the right thing?Essentially the idea of na'aseh v'nishma. I know that that's what H' wants for me: to stop doing the aveiros. And by quitting the aveiros, I will merit many berachos. But I'm having trouble understanding and actualizing the reason and benefits of quitting the aveiros.


Na'aseh V'nishma means without understanding and actualizing the reason and benefits of quitting the aveiros. Can you come up with any non-religious reasons  to stop?
3 things to think about... 
#1 do you want to stop?
#2 WHY do you want to stop?
#3 (assuming you answered yes to #1 and found your why) What behaviors are causing you to fall
#4 stop overthinking
Last Edit: 05 Aug 2022 14:41 by Lchaim Tovim.
  • BT2001
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Lchaim Tovim wrote on 02 Aug 2022 14:31:
You wrote "I know quitting is the right thing". What do you mean by that. Why is it the right thing?

Essentially the idea of na'aseh v'nishma. I know that that's what H' wants for me: to stop doing the aveiros. And by quitting the aveiros, I will merit many berachos. But I'm having trouble understanding and actualizing the reason and benefits of quitting the aveiros.
Posting day 5#

Let me make it short and sweet, as we are all busy getting ready for Shabbos.

I will work this weekend to be CLEAN.

Have a wonderful shabbos!
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Re: This Is scary 05 Aug 2022 12:29 #384382

  • taherlibeinu
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Hi BaruchHashem,

Firstly I would change the title.. By joining you have gone a big step in the right direction... a big Yashar Koach for joining GYE and welcome aboard. Hashem should give you much Hatzlacha and Siyata Dishmaya in overcoming this battle. 
From reading this thread I can see you haven't listed very much about yourself or your challenges so its kind of hard to respond back appropriately. Would you be able to elaborate on your background/experience etc.. 
Regarding Anxiety and negative behavioral patterns there is much to be said on this - I can only comment on my own experiences as anxiety was a massive trigger for me. 
BH you WILL reach a point where anxiety doesn't bother you as much, if at all. As someone who suffered from 12 with very high levels of anxiety and panic I can really attest to this. But again without knowing more of your background it is very hard to provide any meaningful dialog. 

Wishing you much hatzlacha and looking forward to hearing back more
  • frank.lee
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Welcome!!! You are in a great place to support you in your important life journey.

Hatzlacha!!

Re: Introducing myself 05 Aug 2022 07:22 #384379

  • retrych
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Welcome! Really wish I had been here my first year beit medrash..

Re: My story 05 Aug 2022 05:15 #384378

Thank you for bravely sharing this. How did you manage to stop watching porn? What was the process like? I'm in a similar situation

Hey everyone,

Here's my first post:

My struggle started at age 12, when I was first exposed to pornography. I grew up modox but my parents were pretty strict on me not talking to girls. I'll never forget the first time I got caught messaging a girl. My parents read the inappropriate convo and I wanted to sink into the ground. I got on my bike and just pedaled. I left for hours (without a phone) and finally came home just before dark. I tried to quickly hide my actions. I'd message any girl I could find on social media, hoping someone would reply. 1 out of 30 would answer, and at 13 years old I had my first sexual experience with a complete stranger. 

In high school I went from one girl to another. I watched porn consistently and kept hooking up, breaking up, and repeating. I always knew that this is completely misaligned with my values and that one day I'd be toichoi kvaroi--behaving fully aligned with my values of Halacha, Shomer negiah, etc. 

Finally I decided to cut down. When I was 15 I decided I'm not yet ready to be Shomer but at least I'll stop hooking up. It lasted for about a year and a bit and then I relapsed. I reverted to lurking online, meeting strangers (mainly online because no one I knew was interested in this sexual behavior without real commitment), and hooking up. Finally when I graduated HS I was preparing for my gap year Yeshiva in Israel. This was my time to adopt the values I'd always dreamed of solidifying. I had a serious girlfriend and we decided to be Shomer. It worked, and I was focused enough for a few months to not mess up. Started my year in Israel on the right foot. After being Shomer for 6 months, we mutually agreed to break up because we were heading our separate ways (within Yiddishkeit) and didn't see a long term future together.

I decided to continue in Yeshiva instead of going to university, and I reverted back to watching porn but was able to stay Shomer negiah. Eventually I stumbled. I reverted back to lurking on social media and interacting inappropriately with random strangers. I reconnected with old girlfriends and despite being more frum, went back to my old ways of hooking up--this time really hiding it from everyone. I then continued to lurk and hook up with random strangers. I always had one limit which BH I had always kept, no matter the circumstance. But everything else was fair game. It came to a point where I'd keep hooking up and then just get so bored of it that I'd stop and then relapse a short while later. I continued on in Yeshiva, growing in my Yiddishkeit. The more I grew the more I had to hide my behavior, and the more of an imposter I felt. 

I reached a point where every week I'd meet someone new, hook up, and the next morning delete everything, delete my accounts, and promise to myself I'd never mess up again. I didn't tell a soul. 

For better or for worse I was never caught or discovered, even by my roommates in Yeshiva when I'd leave in the middle of the night. Eventually a close friend noticed that I'd been acting differently (I had been struggling particularly badly at that time) and he got me to open up to him. He suggested therapy, and I was about to start Shidduchim so I decided to man up and tell my parents and go to therapy.

I went for one session and the therapist told me this behavior is normal--everyone was doing it in the 70s when he grew up. 

Shidduchim came around. Whenever I was dating someone I was able to hold back from messaging anyone else or hooking up. Eventually I'd engage in the behavior between dating. About a year later I finally met the woman who would eventually become my wife. BH we connected on such a deep level and of course I behaved properly while we were dating. I even opened up to her about my struggle, and after talking it out and explaining it, she felt comfortable moving forward and getting engaged. I thought finally this will relieve me of my struggle. Unsurprisingly, this was far from the reality. While we dated and were engaged and even a few months into marriage I barely even thought about messing up (watching porn).

Eventually, although our relationship was building, I again felt an urge to mess up. I tried to reconnect with people I had interacted with on my old burner accounts and got back into lurking on social media looking for someone to interact inappropriately with. I knew I'd never CHV meet up with anyone. But to just watch porn and occasionally message I couldn't hold back. Not long after this relapse my wife caught wind of what was happening and I filled her in. It was a devastating shock, but we committed to supporting each other in this journey and she was willing to stand by my side. I went another few weeks without stumbling and then would relapse. I'd watch porn or message someone. I began therapy which started to help, and bH finally I had begun to invest real work into this struggle. Fast forward 6 months. I feel like I've been going in circles with this behavior and convincing my wife to forgive me every time. BH I'm making slow and steady progress in the right direction. I've committed to joining Guard Your Eyes in hopes that the comraderie and support will help me fight the good fight and succeed. 

If you could relate I'd love to hear from you and connect. 

L'chaim to giving this our best shot.

Re: Here we go! 05 Aug 2022 00:45 #384370

Mazal Tov!! Keep going strong!!
If you are in the same situation as me, a bachur who’s fighting every day to break free, feel free to reach out to me at hopeful1245@gmail.com. I can use the chizuk from other bachrim and im sure you can use the chizuk as well. We are all in this together!
My thread on the forum
I am grateful for your kindness, you should receive infinite kindness in return!
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My friend, you are a mevakesh Hashem and I feel honored to be able to converse with you here.

For myself, I can't say that I've experienced exactly what you're describing but I do know for myself that in hand-to-hand combat with the yetzer hara the yetzer hara always wins. It might be right away or might be days, weeks etc. but it will happen.

There are many opinions and approaches on this site (addicts, non-addicts, filters, finding the right motivation, mentors etc.) but I think they all boil down to having the right tools for the fight. So do your research, gear up and keep on trucking!
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