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Thank you for opening the door to my recovery
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TOPIC: Thank you for opening the door to my recovery 2585 Views

Thank you for opening the door to my recovery 26 Mar 2017 21:53 #309296

My name is Binyomin, and I am a sexaholic. I have been sexually sober since August 18, 2016 with the help of Hashem, the fellowship of SA, going to meetings and working the steps. 

I was introduced to  sexual stimuli as a young child. Since then, I lived a fantasy life. Always craving and dreaming for ways to relieve the experience. As a young teen, I learned about porn and masturbation. It was my greatest discovery. My own special and private activity. I would masturbate very often, sometimes several times a day. 

I never thought there was anything wrong with it, until I learned that it was a sin. My solution to my religious problem was that I needed to get married, so that I could have a kosher outlet for my sexual fantasies, and then I would be free of the "yetzer hara". 

Marriage didn't solve my problems. It made it worse. It took several years of blaming my wife, for my problems in the bedroom, and lack of fulfillment. Soon after marriage  I started up again with the porn, all the while blaming my wife for not being there for me sexually, the way I needed. I would constantly complain that my needs were not being met. I learned several years later that I was verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and this destroyed something inside of her. Why would someone who is emotionally abused have a functional sex life? 

After about 3 years of marriage, I began to realize that I had a problem, and that  couldn't stop on my own. I had heard about GYE, and I got online to check it out. Soon afterward, I joined the 12 step conference calls. After going through 2 cycles, I was encouraged by my sponsor to join live meetings. 

For about 2 years I was in and out of the rooms, and didn't manage to stay sober for too long. (As I never really worked the steps with the direction of a LIVE sponsor which was an important aspect for me). I didn't want to admit that I had an addiction and that I was sick. I wanted to be able to moderate my usage. To control it. I felt justified. If my wife isn't giving me any, then I "needed to take care of myself". All of this thinking was skewed, and ended up costing me dearly. My sick brain prevented me from seeing myself and my problems for what they really were.  As time went on, I became more and more tolerant to porn, and it didn't give me the kick I was in desperate need of. 

My addiction, as I learned to call it, was a progressive disease. So long as it was left untreated, it got worse. I spent countless hours looking for online hookups, and wasting time on dating apps/sites. I've done very humiliating things in my active addiction. The final blow was when I slept with a prostitute. On the way there, I kept telling myself that I should turn back around. I was powerless. Even though I knew I'd regret it, and even though I didn't really want to, I went anyway. I was so disappointed with the experience. When I got home, I felt so dirty, and disgusted with myself. It was just sex. Plain, physicality, with absolutely no emotion. I didn't give me the wholesomeness I had been searching for. The fantasy of being with someone who enjoyed sex just as much as I was just that, a fantasy. In order to escape the negative feelings, I masturbated upon my return to my house. This brought clarity to me, its not sex that I want, its deep connection, and porn and prostitutes was a poor substitute. 
I did fall a couple of times since then, but 3 months later I started working the program seriously. Since then, (August 18 2016) I have been sexually sober. 
I have been seriously working the program of SA, by doing the steps, going to meetings, and staying connected with the group I go to. 

About a month later, my wife left me. We are now in the process of getting a divorce. I think that the only explanation for my sobriety during this crisis, is a gift from God. I have had a very difficult time with my home life, my financial security, my educational goals, and more. It is the program that helped me rise above the suicidal feelings that clouded my brain. I am lucky to be alive today. 

My relationship with my children has been better then it ever has been. The obsession to lust has been removed from me, and my life is filled with more serenity then it has ever been. It's not easy, and there is pain, but the life I live now is so much better then living in addiction. 

I would like to thank GYE for creating this website, and opening the door to my recovery. 

One thing I have learned, is that no matter what the circumstances, however bad my life gets, I can still stay sober, and live in the solution. If I was able to, then I am sure you can too!
May God bless you, and watch over you as you trudge the road to happy destiny. 

Re: Thank you for opening the door to my recovery 27 Mar 2017 15:39 #309379

  • the.guard
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Powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing, I will try to use this story to inspire others. Keep up the good work!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.

Re: Thank you for opening the door to my recovery 13 Dec 2017 04:34 #323670

  • yosef10
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Amazing post, from the writing, and form of it, i can see your an all season pro. 
It seems like you have all the ideals in order, and i feel like I'm on that path swell. I don't have such a crazy story like you, I'm just a 16 year old who's been stuck for too long (a bunch of years). 1197 days is a crazy feat, i hope i can get to that someday.
Do you have any advice for a guy on day 84. I still have some emotional ups and downs. One day I'm happy and one I'm sad. I take many stridencies to not fall, and this is what got me this far. But I'm not seeing 100% of the light at the end of the tunnel that i was promised to get on day 90. Where's my everlasting happiness? I feel like this will always be baggage that i will have to carry for the rest of my life. 

Re: Thank you for opening the door to my recovery 13 Dec 2017 04:36 #323671

  • yosef10
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I don't want my wife and kids to have to deal with this. Will i ever be able to let this go fully, where i could just stop and not even think about that girl that i saw recently, or even achnowklege the fact that i feel a weird lust randomly in the day.
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