Day #1.
@OivedElokim, Thank you for your reply. I have purpose and the good that I do and put out in the world far exceeds any falls. I think it goes without saying that I appreciate the gravity of viewing pornography and masturbating. Otherwise, I wouldn't be on GYE. Still, speaking for myself, I cannot let my propensity to act out (as opposed to some other shortcoming or imperfection) define my personhood and bring me down. I am human. I am imperfect. I do things that would bring me embarrassment if others found out about them. I'm just like everyone else. That wasn't my attitude before I joined GYE, but it is now. I have reframed my perspective on the matter and have had great streaks. Struggling now, but I am getting back up.
@frank.lee, I love the idea. That just might be what I need.
As I have been writing about, I believe that my issue lies not in a desire to view pornography and masturbate, but in uncontrolled Internet usage. Getting absorbed into this kind of zone in which I just start participating in this Internet browser world. Searching, but searching for nothing. It is a diversion. It is an escape. It is a coping mechanism. And it is what then leads to the desire and to the falls.
My goal for this time is to define my success not by solely refraining from masturbation and pornography, but also by my Internet usage. Did I escape to the web browser? When bored in my night school, do I look at something else on my other screen because that is my go to? When I am exhausted and spent at the end of my day, do I turn on my computer for no actual reason? I'm not going to count that as a GYE fall, but I will be writing about that here. If the גדרים and controls are broken, the plan is not working.
Here's to hope. Here's to the gift of each day.
