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Work in progress
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Work in progress 3455 Views

Re: Work in progress 15 May 2022 16:48 #380729

  • Vehkam
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great question.  there are some things that paved the way.  committing myself to learn the daf, started two years before i actually took the plunge to purge my life of all the forbidden stuff.  I do believe that committment is what gave me the strength and the zchus i needed for this struggle.  

this site, and reading the Battle of the Generation were the major factors in changing my entire perspective on this struggle and giving me the hope that i could repair my relationship with hashem.

My main focus has been strengthening my connection with hashem, and i feel that the more i am invested in that relationship, the less opening the yetzer hara has to draw me back into any of my previous lifestyle.  Accordingly, almost all of the items i list in my seder hayom are things that will reinforce and strengthen that relationship.. 

I don't suggest that anyone copy exactly what i am doing.  It is food for thought.  Hopefully anyone can find inspiration and find similar ideas that inspire them.  

A person can only be going in one direction. Either up or down.  There is no such thing as just staying the same.  My goal is to make sure that i am always slowly growing so i am on the lookout for small things that i can do to make sure i keep heading in the right direction.  I am cautious not to do anything drastic as those things  usually are very hard to maintain.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 15 May 2022 16:54 by Vehkam.

Re: Work in progress 16 May 2022 18:45 #380783

  • Vehkam
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Lots of reminders in the streets today that I should stay vigilant.  Bh I am not looking. In the past I would be indulging wherever my eyes could feast.  I should be excited about being strong but for some reason I am feeling pain.  May it be a kappara for the all the forbidden pleasures of the past.  
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 18 May 2022 13:41 #380863

  • Vehkam
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I wrote this last night. Wanted to clear it with someone before I posted here.  I was given the ok.  Will post a follow up later. 

I said goodbye today to the closest friend I ever had.  I saved the closest for last.  All the other contacts are long gone.  We knew each other for seven years. Once I started this journey  I knew I would have to do this eventually and I am glad it’s done. But boy does it hurt.  It helped that we haven’t been in touch in two months.  

I had committed to myself on Pesach that I would do it by shavous.  I discussed it at length with my therapist in advance .  I wrote a long letter and texted it to to my friend.  She was very understanding.  We said goodbye and wished each other well. 

  I am letting myself feel the sadness until tomorrow morning.  Then I will delete all the contact info and thousands of texts between us (I already deleted any pictures so everything is clean).

 I davened both mincha and maariv tonight. It took a long time.  There were lots of tears. I am hoping hashem sends a new close friend into my life soon.  One that is not a sex worker.  One that understands me and cares about me as much as she did. One that does not judge me and accepts me as I am.  One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had.  Maybe a wife? I am afraid to hope for that.  But still maybe….

Until then I will find solace in my connection with hashem.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 18 May 2022 16:26 #380871

  • Markz
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Vehkam wrote on 18 May 2022 13:41:
I wrote this last night. Wanted to clear it with someone before I posted here.  I was given the ok.  Will post a follow up later. 

I said goodbye today to the closest friend I ever had.  I saved the closest for last.  All the other contacts are long gone.  We knew each other for seven years. Once I started this journey  I knew I would have to do this eventually and I am glad it’s done. But boy does it hurt.  It helped that we haven’t been in touch in two months.  

I had committed to myself on Pesach that I would do it by shavous.  I discussed it at length with my therapist in advance .  I wrote a long letter and texted it to to my friend.  She was very understanding.  We said goodbye and wished each other well. 

  I am letting myself feel the sadness until tomorrow morning.  Then I will delete all the contact info and thousands of texts between us (I already deleted any pictures so everything is clean).

 I davened both mincha and maariv tonight. It took a long time.  There were lots of tears. I am hoping hashem sends a new close friend into my life soon.  One that is not a sex worker.  One that understands me and cares about me as much as she did. One that does not judge me and accepts me as I am.  One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had.  Maybe a wife? I am afraid to hope for that.  But still maybe….

Until then I will find solace in my connection with hashem.

This is one amazing guy!

I’m not a professional, however from a therapy angle - is there a countdown timer that locks you from sadness after tomorrow morning?  I believe you should allow yourself to let the feelings flow.

Definitely Don’t lower your hopes for a wife b’sha’a Tova! 

“One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had” - Don’t pin hopes on your wife for that 
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Re: Work in progress 18 May 2022 16:41 #380873

  • Vehkam
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i will follow up later... there was a reason i set that limit...
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 18 May 2022 19:32 #380874

  • Vehkam
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Markz wrote on 18 May 2022 16:26:

Vehkam wrote on 18 May 2022 13:41:
I wrote this last night. Wanted to clear it with someone before I posted here.  I was given the ok.  Will post a follow up later. 

I said goodbye today to the closest friend I ever had.  I saved the closest for last.  All the other contacts are long gone.  We knew each other for seven years. Once I started this journey  I knew I would have to do this eventually and I am glad it’s done. But boy does it hurt.  It helped that we haven’t been in touch in two months.  

I had committed to myself on Pesach that I would do it by shavous.  I discussed it at length with my therapist in advance .  I wrote a long letter and texted it to to my friend.  She was very understanding.  We said goodbye and wished each other well. 

  I am letting myself feel the sadness until tomorrow morning.  Then I will delete all the contact info and thousands of texts between us (I already deleted any pictures so everything is clean).

 I davened both mincha and maariv tonight. It took a long time.  There were lots of tears. I am hoping hashem sends a new close friend into my life soon.  One that is not a sex worker.  One that understands me and cares about me as much as she did. One that does not judge me and accepts me as I am.  One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had.  Maybe a wife? I am afraid to hope for that.  But still maybe….

Until then I will find solace in my connection with hashem.

This is one amazing guy!

I’m not a professional, however from a therapy angle - is there a countdown timer that locks you from sadness after tomorrow morning?  I believe you should allow yourself to let the feelings flow.

Definitely Don’t lower your hopes for a wife b’sha’a Tova! 

“One that shows me the strengths I didn’t know I had” - Don’t pin hopes on your wife for that 

Thanks so much for your response.

I am not planning on suppressing my feelings.  I actually had plenty of time to prepare before hand.  I was not in touch for the last two months and i had slowed down my correspondence before that as well.  so i was ready. 

one of the reasons this was intense was because in saying goodbye i had to bring all of my emotions to the forefront in to writing a letter and responding to her texts in a way that would be  clear to both of us that this is permanent but still be non-judgemental and kind.  i needed to do that for myself.

that left me vulnerable and emotional and very focused on the separation.  I also believed that this is temporary and can pass very quickly because of how i prepared myself.  

When i woke up this morning, the first thing i did was to delete the contact info and all of the texts.  that took just a few seconds.  The first half of davening i was very emotional.  At some point it clicked that i dont want to focus on this anymore and my emotions calmed down.

bh i have a very good therapist and i can check in with him but i believe that my preparation and the emotional writing that i did afterwards were sufficient to bring me to a healthy place today.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 18 May 2022 23:14 #380884

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Buddy, you touch my heart way to often... I have no words...

Re: Work in progress 22 May 2022 21:53 #381070

  • Vehkam
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Shavous is coming!

the second day of shavous will iyh mark a fall six months of being totally clean bh.  Planning a major bbq  to be'"h celebrate with probably 30-40 people.  they will all think that its in honor of my upcoming birthday... but you all know the truth!
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Work in progress 23 May 2022 00:02 #381075

That's so awesome. You're such a source of strength for all of us here, truly happy for you .

Re: Work in progress 23 May 2022 04:38 #381087

Vehkam, keep it up! You really inspire me!! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Work in progress 25 May 2022 13:22 #381181

  • Vehkam
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I wrote this a few months back.  Added some thoughts at the end and I’m sharing it now….

I Had my second therapy session yesterday.  Lots of raw emotions.  I was able to unload some heavy burdens that I have been carrying around since childhood (by unload I mean express verbally).   One if the things I told the therapist about the summer I was 10. I was a bedwetter (some years it was a big issue, some almost not at all). As far as I know, none of the kids found out that summer.

However, I was having accidents every night.  The staff was not on top of it and I was embarrassed to say anything.  I used my extra sheets, extra pjs, extra towels etc... after a few days everything was soaked through and through.  When I got into my soaked bed every night I was freezing.  Of course I didn't stand a chance.  I told the therapist that I remember davening with tears every night for hashem to help me stay dry.

I wondered aloud that I don't know how this was allowed to happen......

This morning during davening the conversation came to mind.  I thought back to those tefillos and wondered why hashem didn't answer me?  They were the most heartfelt innocent and pure Tefilos of my life, yet they seemed to be unanswered.

Then , it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Hashem was saving those tefilos for now when I needed them even more!!!

(I added this today)

Now, when I say שמע קולינו I have in mind.  Please hashem hear my voices.  Not just the voice of the tefila I am davening now, but also hear the innocent voice and of that young boy of over 40 years ago pleading with you - the only one who can possibly help- to please help me stay clean.

 And then I realize, that innocent sincere boy is me.  Those heartfelt tefilos are still within me.  I may have suppressed them for so many years but beneath the surface they were always waiting to burst forth once again. Often the tears start to flow once again as I beseech hashem to take all those tefilos. The ones from then and the ones from now and wrap them up together as one heartfelt tefila direct from my neshama. And I hope that tefila will be precious to hashem and that he will find a special place for it by the כסא הכבוד so that he will always listen to it.

vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  Please know that if you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 25 May 2022 13:33 by Vehkam.

Re: Work in progress 25 May 2022 15:20 #381182

  • Dave M
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Beautifully written.  Please keep writing your thoughts down, as I (and I'm others) am gaining so much from them. 

Re: Work in progress 25 May 2022 15:52 #381184

  • mggsbms
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A very powerful thought, and beautifully written!
Aka -  Mischadeish075

Re: Work in progress 25 May 2022 16:09 #381186

  • taherlibeinu
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Really beautifully written. You can be sure Hashem hears you. Those genuine tefillos have a special place in shamayim. May you have Hatzlacha and much Siyaata Dishmaya..... and Happy Birthday!

Re: Work in progress 26 May 2022 11:02 #381211

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Wow. What a dose of inspiration!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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