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OivedElokim-I’ll never give up
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 3388 Views

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 02 May 2021 17:12 #367806

  • EvedHashem1836
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OivedElokim wrote on 02 May 2021 05:12:
Having a hard time recognizing that it never gets easier, and I can never allow myself “one last time” of indulging in these behaviors 

Like Zedj said the last time is never the last time. If you keep taking the "last time" you will never be free. 

You can do it though! You have the strength to break free just push through!
Think about how good you'll feel if you say no to desire and compare that to how bad you'll feel if you say yes.

Desire is unique in the way that it is never fulfilled -  if you give in the desire comes back even more powerful in just a few days. Telling yourself that its ok because this is really the last time doesn't work because you are just adding new images to your head that will cause future falls.

The Joy of triumph over the yetzer hara is worth the effort it takes to win. It IS worth it! Keep fighting!


My thread: 
Aiming to be better

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 03 May 2021 12:23 #367854

  • Hakolhevel
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OivedElokim wrote on 02 May 2021 06:11:
After battling my urges for several hours, I fell.

I’m sure Hashem cherishes every time I said no.  I don’t feel better because I acted out. It brought me no Happiness. I need to remember that for next time...

What an important observation.

Acting out gives us (temporary) pleasure, but no happiness. If anything it contributes to the opposite.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 03 May 2021 20:16 #367889

  • OivedElokim
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Fell again last night. Will I ever overcome this? Do I even really want to?
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 03 May 2021 21:14 #367899

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OivedElokim wrote on 03 May 2021 20:16:
Fell again last night. Will I ever overcome this? Do I even really want to?

The title says you'll never give up... 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 10 May 2021 00:29 #368261

  • OivedElokim
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Figured I’d come here and share an update.
6 days clean. Otherwise I’m miserable. Lost my passion and interest in learning, so I’m just in yeshiva mostly doing nothing, with some notable exceptions. I understand that that this site is intended to support lust strugglers and not depressed people, but I have nowhere else to post this.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 10 May 2021 05:06 #368271

  • Hakolhevel
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Wish I had a magical wand. Hang in there. In the meantime I came across this post this evening, and thought it might be relevant. 

Either way, be well
Dov wrote on 20 Dec 2012 03:12:
Wow, this is good progress:
iabsolutelycan wrote:
Dov, you're right. It's just easier said than done.

You hit the nail right on the head: It is never really 'done', at all!While what I wrote about my marriage is true, and while it is true that lust challenges are rare for me and not a significant distration from my life today - the idea of 'finally getting fixed' is a fantasy. As kids, what typically got our attention was the event - then achievements. The baseball star's success was the game-winning home run and crowd going crazy, the success of manhood was 'getting the girl', and lhavdil, 'making it' as the gadol baTorah was the recognition as the gadol. But then what? As we grow up we discover a bit about what it is actually like to live day by day as the star, the husband, the gadol. That's very different than 'the event'. Eventually, we grow up some more and discover that there really is no 'event', at all!There is in reality no such thing as being 'a tzaddik', having 'done' teshuvah, being 'recovered', etc. These are processes, not events. Real life is always a process, and the older we get, the more we understand that.This is very similar to the fact that there are so many things we do and Hashem has arranged in Jewish history that are tikunnim for the chei of Odom harishon. Every time we make kiddush Friday night on wine, every matzoh se eat - the fig leaf skirts Hashem made Odom and Chava - certain korbanos and avodas in the Mishkan and Beis hamikdosh - all to 'be mesaken the cheit of Odom harishon', per the sforim. The beis hamikdash stood for hundreds of years and cohanim did pure avodah with dep kavanos for many years - nu? So let me ask:Why isn't it fixed yet?And by the same token, I ask why is it that many addicts call themselves "recovering addicts"? And for that matter, why do most b'nei Torah referred to as "Talmidei Cachomim" - when does the rosh yeshivah finally stop being a 'talmid' already?!The answer is that being 'fixed' is not what olam hazeh is about at all. Until we die, our part is to do our avodah - Hashem does the fixing in little bits as we take our little, tiny steps. Real life - and real recovery - is only a process. This is what Chaza"l mean when they say it is assur to 'force the ge'ulah'. That is life, and we have no right to get off the ride. We never 'arrive' here, but are growing. And 'growing' means that you and me have room to grow. We are mehalchim, not malochim (they are omdim).This why when a person who is in successful recovery for months or years has a hard day or challenges, it does not mean that his or her program has failed. Pain - challenge - is the only way we grow. That is life, itself.You, chaver, are doing just fine. Just learn honestly from what you experience, and let yesterday be yesterday and today be today. May we never confuse the two!- Dov
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 13 May 2021 02:30 #368492

  • OivedElokim
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Day 9
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 21 May 2021 18:49 #368807

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So i broke my promise.
I gave up. For the last couple of weeks i kept falling, with some halfhearted attempts to stay clean, 6 days here , 9 days there.

There's this subconscious justification in my head for all my acting out "You're hopelessly depressed, and this is the only thing that can bring some joy into your miserable existence". It sounds silly, 
But my life has become unmanageable. I can't keep this up anymore. Last night i stayed up till 5 binging. I can't afford to give up.
My two areas of weakness is my smartphone which is obstensibly filtered with a whitelist but i sometimes ask my friend who has it to put in the code and i unblock some content. I think the remedy for that is to give the code to someone who i am not around regularly, perhaps someone from GYE.
The other area is unfiltered devices i can access when around relatives. In the past i had made contracts to only use them in the presence of others or contacting a GYE friend before and after use, but those contracts have expired and i haven't been motivated enough to renew them.

​I am committing  to reading more of the GYE handbook attitude section.
Any feedback or chizuk would be greatly appreciated.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 22 May 2021 22:46 #368816

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IMHO (man I've been using this acronym a lot lately), there's no such thing as a perfect filter. Don't get me wrong, we all need filters. But they're surely not the ultimate solution. When our minds are oriented towards lust, heck we can do it without images too or just scavenge it anywhere. No good filter can stop us completely.
So what I mean is, you need to rewire your mindset to "lust is poison". Not only I can live without it, it's the only way to truly live.
That being said, I can see where you're coming from. Do you have personal problems? Do you have a therapist you can talk to? No doubt it's an uphill battle when you've got issues you're going through. I'd say solving or getting through them is a must. Still, giving up lust is only going to make your life easier. By giving up lust, I mean the fantasizing, the extra look at a woman on the street, ad, youtube movie, you name it. Even the mere flash thought of something forbidden must be supressed. At first it's hard, but if you adopt a zero tolerance to lust, not acting out becomes automatic. The struggle is not meant to be this hard.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 24 May 2021 23:23 #368949

  • OivedElokim
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@ snowflake

Firstly- thanks for your post. You are probably correct about the whole mindset thing.

I do have a therapist, and I am trying to work through stuff. Not seeing much success at the moment, but that’s not directly relevant. I don’t think my lust issues can be put on the back burner. Not anymore.

Fell several times over the weekend. Back to day 1 now.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Last Edit: 24 May 2021 23:24 by OivedElokim.

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 24 May 2021 23:34 #368951

  • Hakolhevel
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Maybe join the challenge?
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 26 May 2021 00:24 #369023

  • OivedElokim
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Day 3

Thinking of joining the challenge, though $160 is not in my budget.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 26 May 2021 01:50 #369027

  • lionking
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OivedElokim wrote on 26 May 2021 00:24:
Day 3

Thinking of joining the challenge, though $160 is not in my budget.

Hey, $160 is not in my budget either, which might be an added reason why I am over 30 days already. 
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 26 May 2021 12:53 #369039

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OivedElokim wrote on 24 May 2021 23:23:
@ snowflake

Firstly- thanks for your post. You are probably correct about the whole mindset thing.

I do have a therapist, and I am trying to work through stuff. Not seeing much success at the moment, but that’s not directly relevant. I don’t think my lust issues can be put on the back burner. Not anymore.

Fell several times over the weekend. Back to day 1 now.

That's the spirit. Don't let the past falls get to you. 
Atzvus is only a tool of the YH.
Control what you can control, your mindset, environment, exposure to bad stuff, etc. Recognize what you can't control. i.e. some (myself I guess) can't watch regular movies, because they get aroused, so they cut it.
Take notes of how and why you fell, and change the circumstances.
Have you been doing sports too? They can be of great relief.
We're here for you!
We're in this together, all of us.
Please keep us posted. You give us chizuk!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: OivedElokim-I’ll never give up 28 May 2021 04:47 #369130

  • OivedElokim
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Plan for the weekend ( off Shabbos):
$20 knas for touching unfiltered devices when not in the presence of others or without texting a GYE accountability partner before and after.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Last Edit: 28 May 2021 13:28 by OivedElokim.
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