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There must be a way
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: There must be a way 5138 Views

Re: There must be a way 05 Mar 2021 10:12 #364784

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Thanks guys, it helped me push off for several hours. After that... 


I fell really badly last night 
To be honest I really felt that sense of freedom. One less worry. Just let my eyes, mind and body do what they naturally want (are used to?). 
It felt like I was leaving the stress, worries and pressures of the world for a bit and I liked it. 

Afterwards I felt pretty bad but not overwhelmingly so. 
Yes, when I went to daven it felt much less connected than it has for a long time. 
But I would really appreciate another break. 


Lost and hopeless yet still, 
Starting 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
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Re: There must be a way 05 Mar 2021 11:00 #364786

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Did you like more than being sober?
If you did like being sober, at least somewhat, what about it did you like?

Re: There must be a way 08 Mar 2021 06:23 #364954

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In the 48 hours after my last post I fell 3 times. 
The first of those was an escape - useful. 
The second not by choice, I already felt that I was sliding down that rabbit hole again but it was also an escape - possibly worthwhile (from my minds clouded point of view at the time) 
The third was totally just a 30 second masturbation with no point other than being at the wrong side of the steering wheel - problem 

The next thing that came to mind was, those images from the first fall are too fresh. 
I have not seen such things in many months and that absolutely makes all the difference. 
SEEING FRESH STUFF MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 
I used to think that I had images in my brain abd that's why it's hard. 
No
If it's old in only comes your the front of your brain if something triggers that thought. 

So after that last fall I realised that I do not want this to to become second nature again. 

I still need an escape though. 
Real rotton things happened in life. 

But this does not work. It too quickly becomes a depressing uncontrollable habit with almost no perks

Stressed and anxious 
Once again
Starting 

1 day clean
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 08 Mar 2021 14:59 #364974

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Hi Starting
I can't imagine the pain that you are going thru now, may Hashem help you get thru it very quickly.
Please don't underestimate the greatness of ONE CLEAN DAY. After all, 90 days are comprised of 90 "ONE DAYS"
יום אחד בשנה חשוב שנה
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: There must be a way 09 Mar 2021 07:03 #365077

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Very productive day. My mind basically stayed off all problems and all lust so b"h clean
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 09 Mar 2021 12:09 #365082

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Getting back up and moving on is tough. Great that you were able to do so quickly. May Hashem help you minimize the triggers - you wrote about tough things going on in life in a previous post - and iyh you will keep clean. This getting back on your feet so quickly should be a big zchus for you and for all of us.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: There must be a way 10 Mar 2021 12:40 #365175

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OK I'm back
Still challenging, still struggling, still fighting but now I once again feel like it's not worth falling again. 

So hard, sometimes feels like it's not worth fighting and sometimes feels like not worth having another fall under my belt. 
Fighting it out is a momentary pain while falling is a longer-term pain. 
So not much choice... 

3 days clean b"h 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 10 Mar 2021 14:35 #365179

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starting wrote on 10 Mar 2021 12:40:
OK I'm back
Still challenging, still struggling, still fighting but now I once again feel like it's not worth falling again. 

So hard, sometimes feels like it's not worth fighting and sometimes feels like not worth having another fall under my belt. 
Fighting it out is a momentary pain while falling is a longer-term pain. 
So not much choice... 

3 days clean b"h 

Please, please listen to me my friend. I know the exact feeling you have right now. The desire was so overwhelming that it caused all other consequences to pale in comparison. After the deed, you feel so horrible, you say to yourself, it is clearly not worth this pain! Enough is enough! Then it slowly starts to fade and the circle starts over.

I did the following, as you can see in my thread. I wrote down my feelings after a fall as clearly as possible, when I had the clarity from feeling horrible after. While experiencing the pain, guilt and self loathing that came along with that small dose of pleasure that seemed so desirable minutes before, I wrote it all down.

MANY times when consumed by desire, I read the feelings i penned after my prior fall and it brought back that clarity.

Please write down the way you feel and post it. It will do wonders if used properly.

Re: There must be a way 16 Mar 2021 06:22 #365472

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Was b"h quite a good week in regards to both the amount of urges and actual progress. 
Slipped once yesterday and once today. 
Trying to work on emunah so I could better cope with life (shiurim and chovos halevovos) and that helps stress immensely b"h. 

Onward
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 16 Mar 2021 14:19 #365497

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Keep us posted starting. You are a great source of inspiration for me. You seem to be going through some tough times. These are the hardest to endure, but the most rewarding too. Care to share the emunah series you're listening to? I think I could use it too.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: There must be a way 16 Mar 2021 15:31 #365508

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I listen to the weekly shiur by r' milech Biderman in yiddish while driving. I drive quite a lot for work these days. 
I also switch on whatever strikes my fancy on torah anytime through the app. 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 16 Mar 2021 15:32 #365509

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Grant400 wrote on 20 Oct 2020 17:21:
Dear Grant,

I'm just going to write my feelings down so you can read them daily, and remind yourself of all your painful emotions you feel right now. I hope this will serve as a constant reminder of who you are and how you want to live every second of your life.

Please don't take this lightly, and don't rest assured in a false confidence of your security. You yourself know how many times you were complacent, yet the yetzer harah ambushed you with an unrequested test. He tempted you, exposed you or made you ridiculously "curious" about something. You unwittingly fell into his trap while being certain that you won't be tricked. Be cognizant of his sly and cunning tactics and stay on your toes always expecting  the sharp edge of his unsheathed sword against your neck.

Now let me address his methods and explain why they are faulty.

He makes it exciting and interesting but you know it is all a fantasy. The reality is not at all like that. He causes it to feel physically and mentally necessary, but nothing ever happened when you didn't respond. He wants you to focus solely on the desire without allowing room to understand the undesired outcome. Don't be fooled, the cons outweigh the pros by an incredible margin. When you tell yourself that something is harmless - and of course you won't go farther than this - it's your befuddled mind futilely attempting to think straight while under the influence of his harmful intoxication.

Focus on the consequences you suffered in the past. Yes, maybe a few minutes of dizzying pleasure, a moment of satiated curiosity, but followed by excruciating pain, guilt, tears, helplessness. Oh! Where was the expected bliss?

Remember the way you felt, disloyal to loved ones. How painful it was to look into your beloved eishes chayil's face and feel like someone she doesn't think you are or want you to be. The faces of your angelic children haunting your tainted and tortured soul. Oh! Where was the promised pleasure?


Recall every teffilah, each beracha, hours of learning the heilige torah hakdosha, was it satisfying knowing how you acted yesterday? Last week?  Last year?  How you corroded and corrupted your connection to your creator, filling potentially beautiful moments with jagged scars. Repaying good with evil, selfless giving with selfish indulgences. Oh! Where was the gleeful gratification?

What about your self respect. The way you turn into a gibbering fool at the slightest enticement. A man, now a child. A disciplined person now a mess. Ego smashed and pride all but lost. Oh! Where was the slated delights?

My dear Grant, please absorb all that I'm saying. I'm saying it out of pure unadulterated love. I'm pleading with you because I know your true abilities. I understand the person you really are and truthfully want to be. I know the man you can be. I know the man you will be!

Please take the time to review this heartfelt letter daily, and when faced with struggles. Constantly pray to your creator and ask for strength.

I know I can be helped, for I can help myself.

                                Sincerely,

                                   Grant
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 18 Apr 2021 21:24 #367030

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Have not been here for a bit. 
This past week had a few clean days but I fell again this morning. 
Thanks to those who have been trying to help, although I did not respond yet it means a lot 

Still got very little motivation. 
Serious thanks to those who have 'the fight' link in their signature, the reminder of its existence has made me start listening to that again and that helped a lot these last few days.
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 19 Apr 2021 07:40 #367074

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One day clean b"h 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: There must be a way 20 Apr 2021 20:22 #367181

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Clean b"h 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number
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