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I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!!
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 5617 Views

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 02 May 2019 15:45 #340877

  • ColinColin
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Welcome.

To add to Cordnoy's post.

The sexual urge is a genuine "drive", that must be channeled in the correct way i.e. marriage.

So never feel bad if you have the urge.

Alongside this, the need for companionship is genuine too.
Sometimes looking at porn can be fuelled by loneliness and/or depression,
so that real need for cmpany and cnversation might be lacking..in which case it might be related to relationships with your wife, family and friends.....and/or simply tiredness.

What has worked for me is recognising when I have a sexual urge, and treating it as a cloud...which can float away after a short period of time.

I am not compelled to act on it.

This is the mindfulness technique, of which there is a lot of information online

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 02 May 2019 15:54 #340880

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i am familiar with mindfullness. i appreciate your post. i am not experienced at using it for such an urge but sounds interesting!
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 03 May 2019 14:21 #340911

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#3
yom shenichpal bo ki tov. 
(thought it sounded good anyways).
had some fantasizing coming from spacing out (batalah brings to...)
but i snapped out of them quite quickly. have not excited myself and thats a big thing for me.
have a wonderfull shabbos!!!! 
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 03 May 2019 16:44 #340913

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Cords, Truly a great post, I don't think that I can top it. Maybe I can jump in (it's already been done without too much impunity) with my 2 shekels.  [I but my thoughts in blue]  pps, number bullets got all messed up. How did you write it cords, with windows 2089?) whatev


"cordnoy" post=340828 date=1556738619 catid=4

to quote one of the resident experts on the site:
  1. The "need" is imagined, not real....
  2. If you come to terms with that and are at peace with the fact that there will be urges, but those urges do not define who you are, you will iyh be able to pull through.
  3. As far as learning about this subject i think a first education is to once and for all destroy the mantra/belief that one NEEDS to ejaculate. Although pleasurable it is but an urge. Unlike eating and sleeping it is not a need.
  4. Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
  5. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis.
  6. The first step in stopping mzl is to recognize that although it is pleasurable (for a very short time), it is not a need. A person can live a happy and fulfilled life without ejaculation or other sexual stimulation. Food, drink, and sleep are necessities, not sex.  
  7. (why would I think that food, drink, and sleep are s*x)?
  8. When someone is hungry and distracts himself, when the distraction is over, he is starving. When one is tired and gets very busy, when done he "crashes". However when one feels the urge to masturbate and instead gets on a treadmill, goes for a walk, gets busy at work, etc, the urge does not automatically reappear when that distraction/task is over. i have woken up with strong erections "ready to go" and forced myself to get moving and bh the urge did not return. that shows us that ejaculation is not a need, rather a very pleasurable activity which some of us have gotten into the habit as using as a stress reliever, boredom escape, or rejection pacifier. (As we all know the relief is extremely short lived and simply not worth the depression/anxiety/guilt/ feelings we develop immediately after acting out.)
  9. [What you are discussing is change of mindset, definitely works and urges lesson, but this is commonly confused with white-knuckling. Holding ourselves back from acting out while biting out fingers or screaming, while still better then acting out - it will eventually burst - not lessen. Do we hold in the urge, letting it build until we just can't hold it in anymore? Or do we let in go - filling our uncomfortableness/anxiousness with something completely different, not related to sex. That I believe is the crucial difference.]
  10. I would like to add that my own feeling of liberation has been incredible:  Before abstinence, I was convinced that I had sexual needs, and I was constantly obsessed with fulfilling those needs, not being satisfied, and suffering from terrible frustration (and blaming my wife most of the time).
    Now I realize:  Today I don't NEED sex. I brainwashed myself into thinking I need, and hence all of the above.  I see how emotionally/physically dependent I was on sex.    
  11. [I  love the last paragraph the best. This is true for everyone- no matter if drunk, sober, or drunk/sober again. We brainwash ourselves into thinking we need.]

BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)
Last Edit: 03 May 2019 16:49 by stillgoing. Reason: trump said so...

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 03 May 2019 17:05 #340915

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stillgoing wrote on 03 May 2019 16:44:
Cords, Truly a great post, I don't think that I can top it. Maybe I can jump in (it's already been done without too much impunity) with my 2 shekels.  [I but my thoughts in blue]  pps, number bullets got all messed up. How did you write it cords, with windows 2089?) whatev


"cordnoy" post=340828 date=1556738619 catid=4

to quote one of the resident experts on the site:
  1. The "need" is imagined, not real....
  2. If you come to terms with that and are at peace with the fact that there will be urges, but those urges do not define who you are, you will iyh be able to pull through.
  3. As far as learning about this subject i think a first education is to once and for all destroy the mantra/belief that one NEEDS to ejaculate. Although pleasurable it is but an urge. Unlike eating and sleeping it is not a need.
  4. Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
  5. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis.
  6. The first step in stopping mzl is to recognize that although it is pleasurable (for a very short time), it is not a need. A person can live a happy and fulfilled life without ejaculation or other sexual stimulation. Food, drink, and sleep are necessities, not sex. 
  7. (why would I think that food, drink, and sleep are s*x)?
  8. When someone is hungry and distracts himself, when the distraction is over, he is starving. When one is tired and gets very busy, when done he "crashes". However when one feels the urge to masturbate and instead gets on a treadmill, goes for a walk, gets busy at work, etc, the urge does not automatically reappear when that distraction/task is over. i have woken up with strong erections "ready to go" and forced myself to get moving and bh the urge did not return. that shows us that ejaculation is not a need, rather a very pleasurable activity which some of us have gotten into the habit as using as a stress reliever, boredom escape, or rejection pacifier. (As we all know the relief is extremely short lived and simply not worth the depression/anxiety/guilt/ feelings we develop immediately after acting out.)
  9. [What you are discussing is change of mindset, definitely works and urges lesson, but this is commonly confused with white-knuckling. Holding ourselves back from acting out while biting out fingers or screaming, while still better then acting out - it will eventually burst - not lessen. Do we hold in the urge, letting it build until we just can't hold it in anymore? Or do we let in go - filling our uncomfortableness/anxiousness with something completely different, not related to sex. That I believe is the crucial difference.]
  10. I would like to add that my own feeling of liberation has been incredible:  Before abstinence, I was convinced that I had sexual needs, and I was constantly obsessed with fulfilling those needs, not being satisfied, and suffering from terrible frustration (and blaming my wife most of the time).
    Now I realize:  Today I don't NEED sex. I brainwashed myself into thinking I need, and hence all of the above.  I see how emotionally/physically dependent I was on sex.    
  11. [I  love the last paragraph the best. This is true for everyone- no matter if drunk, sober, or drunk/sober again. We brainwash ourselves into thinking we need.]



I would just like to repeat for the third time (actually, i think it's the second time that I'm repeatin' it): The above post is not mine! I didn't write one word of it. It is quotes from this site. Some I agree with, others I don't.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
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Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 03 May 2019 17:12 #340916

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cordnoy wrote on 03 May 2019 17:05:

stillgoing wrote on 03 May 2019 16:44:
Cords, Truly a great post, I don't think that I can top it. Maybe I can jump in (it's already been done without too much impunity) with my 2 shekels.  [I but my thoughts in blue]  pps, number bullets got all messed up. How did you write it cords, with windows 2089?) whatev


"cordnoy" post=340828 date=1556738619 catid=4

to quote one of the resident experts on the site:
  1. The "need" is imagined, not real....
  2. If you come to terms with that and are at peace with the fact that there will be urges, but those urges do not define who you are, you will iyh be able to pull through.
  3. As far as learning about this subject i think a first education is to once and for all destroy the mantra/belief that one NEEDS to ejaculate. Although pleasurable it is but an urge. Unlike eating and sleeping it is not a need.
  4. Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
  5. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis.
  6. The first step in stopping mzl is to recognize that although it is pleasurable (for a very short time), it is not a need. A person can live a happy and fulfilled life without ejaculation or other sexual stimulation. Food, drink, and sleep are necessities, not sex.
  7. (why would I think that food, drink, and sleep are s*x)?
  8. When someone is hungry and distracts himself, when the distraction is over, he is starving. When one is tired and gets very busy, when done he "crashes". However when one feels the urge to masturbate and instead gets on a treadmill, goes for a walk, gets busy at work, etc, the urge does not automatically reappear when that distraction/task is over. i have woken up with strong erections "ready to go" and forced myself to get moving and bh the urge did not return. that shows us that ejaculation is not a need, rather a very pleasurable activity which some of us have gotten into the habit as using as a stress reliever, boredom escape, or rejection pacifier. (As we all know the relief is extremely short lived and simply not worth the depression/anxiety/guilt/ feelings we develop immediately after acting out.)
  9. [What you are discussing is change of mindset, definitely works and urges lesson, but this is commonly confused with white-knuckling. Holding ourselves back from acting out while biting out fingers or screaming, while still better then acting out - it will eventually burst - not lessen. Do we hold in the urge, letting it build until we just can't hold it in anymore? Or do we let in go - filling our uncomfortableness/anxiousness with something completely different, not related to sex. That I believe is the crucial difference.]
  10. I would like to add that my own feeling of liberation has been incredible:  Before abstinence, I was convinced that I had sexual needs, and I was constantly obsessed with fulfilling those needs, not being satisfied, and suffering from terrible frustration (and blaming my wife most of the time).
    Now I realize:  Today I don't NEED sex. I brainwashed myself into thinking I need, and hence all of the above.  I see how emotionally/physically dependent I was on sex.    
  11. [I  love the last paragraph the best. This is true for everyone- no matter if drunk, sober, or drunk/sober again. We brainwash ourselves into thinking we need.]



I would just like to repeat for the third time (actually, i think it's the second time that I'm repeatin' it): The above post is not mine! I didn't write one word of it. It is quotes from this site. Some I agree with, others I don't.

Never said you made it up. It's all on this site (as well as a whole lot of other things, like does batman have ssa, but that's for another time...), most of it is in Sa as well (although modified a bit), and before them the great musser giants said it too. I need a translator today, but nothing new in that post. age doesn't make it stale though. Just stronger.
BIG SHOT!
Free Choice?!
Yirai's Memories
STORY TIME :)

Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 05 May 2019 02:31 #340926

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#4 (i think ill just go with where im holding in terms of complete days ayin l'eil for more info)
4 whole days and soon to crack a 5th. 
4 is the # oisiyos of the shem.
4 is the #     " "    of the word ''yesod" (dont try being a smart aleck)
4 is the four ruchos haolam.
4 is .....you know what else? it means its ONE more day that i overcame my yetzer hara. i think that for none addicts it gets easier with the more consecutive times, days etc. which really is based on the sefer hachinuch but i would like to exp. it heavily first before commenting on that. (although ive felt this in the past with watching myself where i look in the streets.)
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 06 May 2019 04:06 #340944

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#5
i was thinking....(thats a start) ...
that perhaps a married couple that has the same ''love language'' lets say touch-and they hit it off right away, could be that their love is really superficial and each one is just a means of pleasure  in the other's eye's. so if c''v a challenge/crises/wtvr hits-they cud be ttly out to lunch in terms of working together etc. even in a regular situation they dont love each other-its like loving pizza.
so it would follow that the more difficult a marriage is-be it personality clashes or wtvr, thats actually MORE opportunity for REAL love...of course we dont want nisyonos and everyone needs to take to an extent. im just wondering if a mature way of looking at a struggling marriage is really a gift to (work hard but...) have REAL LOVE. just a thought....
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
Last Edit: 06 May 2019 04:08 by higher.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 06 May 2019 04:12 #340945

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p.s. which would explain the (famous?) rav dessler on love is generated through giving. any other possible source which comes from taking is loving yourself, (sharf but true obviously reletive to each person on his level accordingly). i believe he explains all of this at length. (the beginning of michtav meliyahu)
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
Last Edit: 06 May 2019 04:13 by higher.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 06 May 2019 19:29 #340957

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btw thanks to everyone for all their reaching out and encouragement and advice to start me off.
thanks for the thank you's as well. 
i did some thinking recently and all of the above makes a difference. so im publicly (?!) thanking y'all.
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
Last Edit: 06 May 2019 19:39 by higher.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 07 May 2019 03:14 #340969

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#6
almost fell today but bh caught myself in time.
regardless if a ''slip'' is not a ''fall'' and the chart is still intact, its assur on the real chart. so i shouldnt be engaging in slippery behavior, which unfortunately i was. still, im grateful for the 6 ''clean'' days. 
i look forward to an even better, and squeaky clean, next 6 days! 
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 08 May 2019 04:31 #340991

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#7 
i had alot of reasons to be bent out of shape recently and really mess things up in terms of shalom bayis.
bh i controlled myself even though it was hard, and saw a positive result. 
perhaps things r going in the right direction...
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
Last Edit: 08 May 2019 04:33 by higher.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 08 May 2019 14:05 #340995

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If you are under extra pressure right now then devise a strategy to be aware of this and to be nice to yourself.
Perhaps get a few films you really want to watch and watch them...definitely have some positive leisure time.
Or start reading a book you have wanted to read for a while but always put off.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 08 May 2019 19:25 #341009

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thank you. being nice to yourself is very important (for me).

this is a great piece of advice for me (the general idea that is, i dont do films).

thanks for your concern as well. much appreciated!
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
Last Edit: 08 May 2019 19:31 by higher.

Re: I AM HIGHER THAN ALL THIS!!! 09 May 2019 04:03 #341019

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#8 

uh oh...
, there were certain circumstances that caused me to engage in very slippery behavior....

kinda complicated but i asked a question to the higher ups and they said its ok-on with the count. so here i am at 8 days old. (WAHHH!!!!! WAHHH!!! ) anyways, im sick of slippery behavior! enough! 
if you need support relating to ur wife having sexual aversion and you are NOT an addict, feel free to pm me. ive picked up some advice along my own journey as well.
my thread:https:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/340817-I-AM-HIGHER-THAN-ALL-THIS!!!#340817
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