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90 days for the heavy addict...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: 90 days for the heavy addict... 4346 Views

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 10 Jan 2019 19:24 #338361

  • EscapeArtist
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Sorry i had to cut that post short; I was on a work computer, & people walked into the office. (Maybe they were some of you guys...)
During withdrawal, I can see any women (who's not black, fat & bald) for a fraction of a second & start getting this stirring in my lower abdomen... I am faced with the split second decision whether to take another fraction of a second peek, which would probably be enough to get it to my head And start feeling crazy frustration which may very likely lead to blowing everything.
I start getting this feeling of terror every time i see a somewhat attractive girl; as if expecting her to pull a machete on me... maybe I SHOULD go back to group therapy...

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 10 Jan 2019 20:33 #338362

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Thistimeillwin

Two answers

In general, ​I find each withdrawal easier.
By this I mean I get less occasions of lust or temptations.

But, when the urge does strike, it strikes stronger than ever.

My post has to be read with a caveat that my urge to fall is almost always caused by emotional lowness/inner pain rather than lust.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 13 Jan 2019 14:17 #338406

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Hakolhevel wrote on 10 Jan 2019 01:12:
From Rabbi Shais Taub.
addictionblog.org/spirit/what-does-the-serenity-prayer-mean/The Serenity Prayer & AA

Most people who know even just a little bit about addiction and alcoholism know about “those meetings” where people get together and all say the Serenity Prayer together and then say, “Hi, my name is ____ and I’m a ____.”

Original Serenity Prayer

The truth is that the Serenity prayer did not originate with the 12-Step movement.  Its most well-known version is attributed to the 20th century theologian and social commentator, Reinhold Niebuhr, but many — Niebuhr included — concede that the prayer has been around in various forms for centuries.  Interestingly, the prayer is not part of any religion’s liturgy and, as such, is truly a non-sectarian prayer.

Enough background.  What does the prayer mean?

What Does The Serenity Prayer Mean?

There are three parts to the Serenity Prayer.  The first asks for “the serenity to accept the things that can’t be changed;” the second asks for “the courage to change the things that can” be changed; and the third asks for “the wisdom to know the difference” between the things that can and cannot be changed.

In other words, we’re asking G-d for three things — serenity, courage, and wisdom.  Serenity has its time and place; courage has its time and place; and wisdom is the ability to know whether it’s a time and place for serenity or a time and place for courage.

For instance, being resigned to a situation that can and should be changed is not really serenity so much as complacency, while trying to change something that is just a fact of reality isn’t really courage so much as foolishness. Therefore, we don’t want to use serenity to deal with situations that really call for courage and we don’t want to use courage to deal with situations that really call for serenity.

Serenity Or Courage?

The problem is that self-deception, denial and our inherent prejudices make it hard for us to to tell these two kinds of situations apart.  Sometimes we trick ourselves into just accepting something that really is our responsibility to take care of because we are afraid of dealing with it. In that case, what we really need is courage — not serenity.  Other times, we are convinced that if we would just try harder, come one stronger, give things another chance, then we will be able to alter some aspect of the truth to be more to our liking.  We do this because in our perfectionist drive to control people, places and things, we believe that reality ought to be different than it is and therefore, we are sure, we just need more grit and gumption to see things through.  But what we really need is the ability to let go and let G-d.  We don’t need courage in that situation, but serenity.

So, we pray to our Higher Power to guide us in honestly assessing all situations so that we will come to the proper decision — serenity or courage.

Serenity Prayer Exercises

One general guideline that I have personally found helpful is the “me-you principle.”  If something needs to change, it needs to change in me, while if something about you seems to be my problem, then what I really need to do is realize that you are who you are right now and accept that truth.  It’s funny how it works out.  When I don’t waste my energy trying to change you, I seem to have a lot more energy left over to change myself and when I work on changing myself, I seem to have a lot less problems with you


הדא הוא דאמרן: ״אם אין דעת הבדלה מנין״

!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
Last Edit: 13 Jan 2019 16:48 by Gevura Shebyesod.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 13 Jan 2019 19:34 #338410

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Hey everyone, I'm back; still (hic) sober...
Been working on nipping the lust in the bud; "surrendering it to g-d" as they say. Can't look at any woman for more than half a second, for fear that I'll enjoy it too much, & that'll be the "first drink" that'll send me back to the mud... I hope one day to normal out, but I think I have to be radical at the moment.
Friday night I was quite hesitant to be with my wife, afraid to awaken the lust. I ended up venturing forth & attempted it with just love, no lust. No focusing on anything that would "turn me on"; just on how much I love my wife (awww... no I'm way passed שנה ראשונה). Needless to say it was quite an enlightening experience; even she noticed the difference. My lust was not reawakened, thank g-d (though it did take much longer to climax...).
Still ain't easy. Had an event last מוצאי שבת, got a headache darting my eyes back & forth to avoid dwelling on any woman too long. wasn't perfect, I did a quick double take when I noticed a lady who has been a challenge for me in the past. When I saw her kids in shul after davening this Shabbos I knew to be on guard, & when she was in my peripheral I looked the other way w/o a peek.  Wasn't as hard as I expected it to be, so maybe I am making progress. (This must sound retarded to anyone who can't relate - this post is NOT for you!!!)
Got the Yeshiva dinner tonight... wish me luck!

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 14 Jan 2019 05:12 #338435

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Boruch Hashem I survived the dinner. Most of it was separate; I tried to escape the parts that were mixed ASAP. I even removed my glasses for one dangerous part (Also a dangerous thing for someone legally blind like me; but I'd rather break a leg than my sobriety...[that's probably not really true, but it sounds good]). I wish they didn't need to have shiksas working on the mens side tho...
Gosh it would be nice just to enjoy the dinner like the regular people; didn't it cost me enough as is???

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 14 Jan 2019 14:50 #338439

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Yet another reason to abolish long drashos by dinners..

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 14 Jan 2019 18:51 #338447

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Got transferred to work with a younger child today; & all of a sudden I'm stuck talking face-to-face with his gorgeous speech therapist
I stayed sober this long by quickly blocking out the triggers; but I have no idea how to surrender the lust when I'm stuck staring it in the face...
My brain was screaming בדיבור אחד "surrender the lust": & "OMG she's beautiful"; & this clueless lady keeps yapping on unaware of the turmoil she's causing.
Now I'm stuck with this all-too-familiar rumbling in my lower abdomen still 3 hours later...
Anyone know how this "surrender" business is supposed to work???
Last Edit: 14 Jan 2019 18:52 by EscapeArtist. Reason: typo

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 14 Jan 2019 23:36 #338459

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I'm still very new here so who am I to give advise, but I'm not new to addictions, and not new to kicking bad habits. So maybe a bit of advise can't hurt.
I was a heavy smoker, I burnt through more than two packs per day. Then I quit, for almost a year I didn't touch a cigarette, then 1 day I had an urge I took one cigarette from an employee of mine, 15 minutes later I bought a pack, and i continued smoking more than 2 packs a day for more than 2 years.
The second time around, I didn't quit, I just decided that I'm not going to take the next cigarette.
It's 14 years later and I still didn't quit... I just didn't take the next cigarette...
I think the same is here. Quitting is very hard, Intimidating, and sounds like a daunting undertaking. However, just pushing off the next downfall, one at a time somehow feels much easier.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 17 Jan 2019 18:50 #338523

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happy to hear you can "white knuckle" it for 87 days....

...but the stepwork will allow you to DIFFUSE all the emotional baggage that sits at the root of your addiction (or 'bad habit' if you insist).


Instead of detaching from all your emotional baggage through LUST, diffuse it with stepwork. Where you will be truly calm, those same triggers won't affect you as much.   

BTW " applied a drop of pressure & basically exploded on contact"  good choice of words. i can't stop cracking up!

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 21 Jan 2019 02:37 #338552

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Had an incident over Shabbos, my wife woke me up in middle of the night & (unintentionally) got me very aroused. I was about to pursue my dreams w/ her; & she's like "btw I just started staining..." ouch.
I was expecting to feel tremendous feelings of resentment towards her (as if it's her fault) & G-d, as has always been my immediate reaction, to be followed most likely with some sort of acting out as a form of "revenge". (#crazyaddictmindatwork).
But it didn't come. Instead my brain just reverted to the pattern I've been attempting to implement since joining SA... OK G-d, take care of this for me, I don't need s-x. I was shocked, to say the least. And excited. So excited that I couldn't fall back asleep for about another hour & a half...
I still don't know if I'm doing this "surrender" thing properly, but it's still pretty cool. I was expecting to be miserable when having to surrender myself to G-d, but instead I felt ecstatic & liberated that night.

Still not sure how to fit in השתדלות with all this "surrender" business... Am I allowed to take off my glasses when confronted with possible triggers, or is that breaking the rules, & believing that I can control myself? There probably are no real answers to this סוגיא...

Thank you everyone for your חיזוק! It is such a tremendous help, you should all be זוכה to so much הצלחה!  

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 21 Jan 2019 03:57 #338553

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Yeah, I know all about that resentment, and the revenge porn, et all.

I would suggest not to take off the glasses for the wife. Hard to explain to her that she is sometimes a trigger.

B"H it worked out for you. Keep it up!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 21 Jan 2019 03:57 #338554

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I'm no expert but "if it ain't broke than dont fix it" Meaning dont worry about all these details if what you are doing works than no need to get technical. 
Kutgw!
Last Edit: 21 Jan 2019 04:00 by i-man.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 21 Jan 2019 16:54 #338568

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lionking wrote:
I would suggest not to take off the glasses for the wife. Hard to explain to her that she is sometimes a trigger.

Thanks for the laugh Simba.

For some strange reason, (-& not bec. she aint pretty) it's easiest to "surrender" & all that only when it comes to the wife... I wish I knew how to tap in to all that spirituality when faced with all the other half-decent looking members of the opposite gender on this planet...

yeah, I know מים גנובים ימתקו... but I thought I was kinda gettiing this under control till I headed back to work this morning...

ain't no rest for the weary I suppose
Last Edit: 21 Jan 2019 16:55 by EscapeArtist.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 22 Jan 2019 00:30 #338575

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Totally off topic, but I like your new Avatar.

Re: 90 days for the heavy addict... 22 Jan 2019 03:52 #338579

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EscapeArtist wrote on 21 Jan 2019 02:37:
Had an incident over Shabbos, my wife woke me up in middle of the night & (unintentionally) got me very aroused. I was about to pursue my dreams w/ her; & she's like "btw I just started staining..." ouch.
I was expecting to feel tremendous feelings of resentment towards her (as if it's her fault) & G-d, as has always been my immediate reaction, to be followed most likely with some sort of acting out as a form of "revenge". (#crazyaddictmindatwork).
But it didn't come. Instead my brain just reverted to the pattern I've been attempting to implement since joining SA... OK G-d, take care of this for me, I don't need s-x. I was shocked, to say the least. And excited. So excited that I couldn't fall back asleep for about another hour & a half...
I still don't know if I'm doing this "surrender" thing properly, but it's still pretty cool. I was expecting to be miserable when having to surrender myself to G-d, but instead I felt ecstatic & liberated that night.

Still not sure how to fit in השתדלות with all this "surrender" business... Am I allowed to take off my glasses when confronted with possible triggers, or is that breaking the rules, & believing that I can control myself? There probably are no real answers to this סוגיא...

Thank you everyone for your חיזוק! It is such a tremendous help, you should all be זוכה to so much הצלחה!  

1. Nice slogan!
2. that was good work that night; excellent stuff!
3. Regardin' your question - when surrenderin' becomes easy, then ask, "what's with hishtadlus?" Till then, the surrenderin' IS the hishtadlus!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
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