I'm reposting this from another thread I posted on:

Depression is probably the biggest challenge Hashem gives us. It always seems like that isn't a challenge and maybe its not even in our control, but the reality is that it is in our control to try and stay positive and have emunah.

One time in my life, I was extremely depressed. I won't go into the details, but I was pretty much lying on the coach in a horrific mood for about a week. I literally wouldn't do anything productive and refused to smile. I spoke to therapists, rabbeim, and friends, but no one was really able to help...it was a very sad time in my life....

Then I realized that I was the only one who actually had the ability to help my situation. It was possibly the single most significant moment of my life. I realized that if I wanted my life to be better I had to make it better. My situation was what Hashem wanted, but it was up to me to make it better. I literally made a chart of the weeks in the month and hung it up. My goal...was to just be positive for atleast 50% of the day. I knew I was sad, but I had to atleast try to not let it overshadow my life. I checked off every day that I was positive most of the day and within a week I was back to myself.

What I realized that day is the same thing that enables me to come on to GYE and successfully count days (and sometimes fall and get back up and count again). I realized that Hashem gives us challenges and that's okay. I realized that we are the only ones who can actually conquer those challenges. Other people can help guide us or give us chizzuk, but ultimately it is our life and we can live it or destroy it. I realized that if we are doing our best we have every reason to be proud. I realized that we should judge ourselves by ourselves and not by other people. I realized that Hashem loves us and that knowing that is as much an attitude as it is a fact. I also realized that the sooner I accept my situation, the sooner I can make it better. While I was in denial, I was a depressed coach potato. As soon as I accepted my reality, I was able to find the good in Hashem's plan and keep making my life the most incredible gift Hashem gave me. 

Wow! B''H I am proud to say I reached 70 days!

It feels like only a short while ago that I was in a serious slump and could barely go a day without looking at seriously damaging things on the internet and being mzl several times in a week or even a day. So it is very exciting to be back in a better position. 

In some ways this past 70 days have been easier than prior runs. For example I have a good filter on my devices and before I started these 70 days I made sure that I would no longer watch anything inappropriate. Also, I had previously done 272 days clean and that gives me strength to know it is possible. To top it off, my life is super busy these days and I have a jam packed schedule.

However, as we know from Rashi by Yaakov and Pharoh, we aren't meant to have it easy in this world and this 70 days has by no means been easy. The past two weeks in particular I have found very difficult. I always want to look at girls and still spend way too much time thinking about them in inappropriate ways. If you have conquered this challenge even for a short period you know that one thought leads to the next, and if you can't steer your thoughts away you are in danger of falling. I am proud to say that I acknowledge this challenge and know that it is hard and I'm okay with that and I daven Hashem should help me conquer it!

BE''H to 90 days and beyond!

Thank you to all the GYE members who give me chizzuk and make this possible!

REM,

Thank you for your encouraging words. We are cheering on you.
I totally relate to everything you've been saying.
I've had long streaks in the past (1 yr+), but as of recently it's been a huge challenge being clean even if for a week.
I'd look at the numbers and just despair and say what's the point, etc.
But just as you, I came to realize. Hashem is not tracking our numbers, streaks, etc. He's tracking us. Are we trying our best? Sometimes we aren't, we're so depressed (the YH's favorite trick), that we just "give up" altogether. But if we try our best with a positive attitude, we're constantly coming back here, trying new things, then for sure, we're bound to suceed too. And if we C"V fall, we can be sure we tried our best. And I think what G-d values the most is picking yourself up from a fall, and try with as much force, or more, than before.
That's the biggest number.
Keep posting, you're an inspiration to all of us!!

Pump yourself up, and your success will spill into your next battle. You are accomplishing what you were put here for! You are succeeding! You are on the road to greatness! Use the exhilaration to impress upon yourself that spiritual accomplishment is worth aspiring for. Celebrating your victories is the most important thing you can do to develop a drive for success through
self-control.

This message is stressed by Chovos Halevavos (5:5), which tells the reader:
Don’t listen to [even the smallest of] the yetzer hara’s
wishes. Rather, hold highly in your eyes even the most
minuscule victory and slightest increase of power over
the yetzer hara. This will lead you to reach even greater
success. The yetzer hara will be quick to obey you and
he won’t stand up to you if you stand up to him.

This is what happens when we fight back against the yetzer hara and celebrate every victory, no matter how small it seems. Celebrating our victories brings us to win our battles and rule over the yetzer hara.
Because rejoicing over your victories is so vital for success, the yetzer hara will try to ruin your excitement.

Hey Snowflake,

Thank you so much for sharing that you found my post relatable! It definitely sounds like you are very much succeeding in conquering these challenges in the appropriate way! I will keep posting, but please also continue to post on other people's threads. It gives us posters tremendous chizzuk when people comment or post on our threads. Otherwise, this would be a blog not a forum and we wouldn't get nearly as much support.

DavidT,

Thank you for the very important reminder that savoring our small successes is the key to fighting this tactic of the y''h! I didn't know that it was a Chovos Halevavos, but I will definitely have to check it out!

Why do I want to act out when I am in a bad mood? Obviosuly, it will just make me in a worse mood. Although, maybe that's why...?

HALT Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Those are general triggers for alot of us knuckleheads.

At a simple level, have you not trained yourself, in your years of acting out, that the way to escape unpleasantness is to got to fantasy? It works every time, at least short term.

Although I suppose your question is rhetorical.

Halt is definitely a great acronym to remember things that make us more vulnerable to falling. I guess really the answer is that it is how Hashem made us and we just have to know to identify it and deal with it appropriately . 

Kol haomer davar baheim omro... I won't take credit for it, it's in the SA White Book

day 85

Q"Realestatemogul" wrote on 28 Feb 2020 03:25:

85 is the numeric value of pe"h (mouth)

Many Chassidic works are replete with the idea that "bris halashon mechuvan negged bris hamaor" and that shemiras halashon leads to shemiras habris (see Sefer Chareidim 66:9). The most common Posuk quoted in this regard is "Al titein es picha l'hachti es bisorchoh"....

keep up the good work!

91 TYH

Realestatemogul wrote on 05 Mar 2020 05:06:

Mazel tov chaver! What's the plan to continue?

Well, the next goal is 120 and I plan to keep coming on here and getting chizzuk.

TYH

Hey REM,

Just read through the majority of your thread and it helped me get through an extremely difficult urge to act out. Thank you and the zechus should help you continue fighting strong!