Hey Onceandforall! 

Thank you for those kind words!

I hope you succeed on your journey. Please keep coming back here and posting your challenges as well as successes. You will be surprised as how helpful the support could be.

All the best and as always TYH

105

Rocking stuff. YOU can hit 90. Go get it!.

I had a thought today about covid-19 that relates to the struggle of shmiras habris and shmiras aynayim. 

The obvious that I am sure everyone has thought of is that Covid-19 is invisible and yet it is the most powerful thing controlling our life. We all know that Hashem runs the world and this is just a more obvious than usual sign on Hashem's control of the world. But it hit me in the face that there is something else that is so powerful, yet we don't give it credit to how much power it has. It can in seconds control our lives and we are powerless very similar to this invisible virus. We even get upset with ourselves sometimes when we can't control it. 

I am talking about the Yetzer Hara.

Hashem gave the yetzer hara tremendous koach to almost control us. Everyone on this site knows how just like this virus, the yetzer hara in a moments notice could have huge talmidei chachamim or tzadikim on their knees begging for mercy. Yet, we pretend as it's our fault or we don't take it seriously and use unfiltered devices. 

We don't understand Covid-19, but we all know to stay inside all day or fear a serious potential life threatening disease. However when it comes to our ruchniyus, and we also don't understand how it could be so hard, we don't take the threat seriously. 

I guess I am trying to say two things:

One: Realize that Hashem created a strong yetzer hara even though you can't see it or understand it. (FILTER your devices!) (Also just like we are meant to grow from this virus and strengthen our commitment to Hashem, so to our yetzer hara serves to allow us to strenghten our sommitment to Hashem.)

Two: Don't get depressed about your challenges. Even though it seems as if the only plausible explanation is that your a hopeless basketcase, -which is obviously NOT TRUE - the reality is that Hashem created the yetzer hara with tremendous Koach so you may grow and come closer in your avodas Hashem. 

I hope that was clear and made sense. 

Wishing Klal Yisroel a Yeshua K'Heref Ayin!

120, next stop 150!

I had a almost tough day, but BH I got past it. (Thank you for listening.)

155 going on 180

Awesome job brother! Some would say you've got your math wrong  

It's 155 going on 156! Ok, just messin, hope you don't take a light weight like me too seriously However, I will tell ya that I've been to 180, and let me tell just say, there were no fireworks  

Lol! You are certainly correct! I just meant that 180 was my next goal. 

I'm at 157 going on 158. 

Thanks!

So I am at 168 days and I just want to vent and state some things for everyone to hear....

1) It is still hard stuff!!! This whole clean business is not easy. Also, the thoughts that keep popping in my head don't help! Grrrr

2) I would not be able to be clean without my devices fully filtered. Thank you HashemHelpMe for the push on that one! After having a filter for a while now I strongly believe putting one is bigger self control that not needing one. I could explain for anyone who wants to fight me on it. 

3) Also, I wish I had this pleasure from being clean. I really don't at the present moment. However, if I wasn't clean and I fell I would feel disgusting. So this is definitely better. Also, I expect in a year or so I will look back and being extremely satisfied with what I accomplished. Oh yeah, and did I mention my Olam Haba!

4) Hashem loves me and is okay that bad thoughts pop in my head but I still wants me to ignore them and not put me in places that I would be vulnerable to bad thoughts. This one is super tough. Ugh. Would love to hear thoughts on this one. 

Anyway, I am super happy that I am 168 days clean and BH for GYE. Thank you guys for helping me do this!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

Realestatemogul wrote on 21 May 2020 02:48:

My random feedback: 

1) Yes, that was my experience as well. Whether it was a 7 month or year streak, I didn't suddenly not become a human being with sexual desires and urges.

2) I think I know what you mean with regards to it being a form of self control to use filters. To be able to withstand inconvenience and not just say screw filters and to stick with that commitment definitely takes a lot of discipline and self control. If that's not what you meant then please elaborate. But, I will say that this is highly individual. Filters ain't for everybody. Yes, yes, I know what rabbonim say, so please don't respond with that lol.

3) Who said you are supposed to have pleasure from being clean? Also, TBH, the mindset that I'm unclean if I fall makes it easier to fall. You are a human being and a Jew trying to do the best you can (which seems to be a pretty good job!). You are not horrible if you masturbate. Most people do so. It won't be the end of the world if you fall. You aren't worthless. In fact, prove to me that people who fall are worth any less Ain't no makor for that. 

4) Not sure what's so tough about this one. Hashem created the world so that we have challenges. What's the conundrum? 

I hope this wasn't super condescending and unhelpful. Honestly, I relate to all that you wrote and I'm sort of writing the thoughts and perspectives that I've come to over the years, in the hope that perhaps they are somewhat helpful. If they aren't, please don't take offense and simply write them off as coming from an anonymous idiot on the internet. 

Godspeed! (Yes, copied that that from cordnoy lol). BTW cordnoy, you've been mighty quiet recently!

Ihavestrength wrote on 21 May 2020 03:24:

As for the filters, the gemara of ikka darka achrina applies to everyone.
Second, @realestatemogul was saying how important it is in his (and most of our) recovery, something that you agree to, so there was no need in your comment, it wasn't going to help anybody. 

As to point 3, I think that although people do not change their worth through doing the wrong thing one must still feel that it would ruin them. It destroys our closeness to God. What most people do is not the right thing to do. The attitude of 'you are not horrible if you masturbate' should really be 'if you have masturbated' in past tense, it's not something to consider before a fall. 

I hope this attitude is not your typical self, it sounds very depressing 'who said you have to have pleasure' 'hashem created this world for challenges' etc it's worse than the litvaks! 
Life is a challenge but we have to appreciate and enjoy. Ever heard of simcha (in a Jewish way) which is very important in leading a Jewish life? 

And ye', wher' da heck is cor'noy??? 

P. S. I think 'trucking' is the word you were looking for 

We the more I expect pleasure from sobriety the more I'm gonna act out. 

Is there a difference perhaps, between pleasure and wholesomeness?

Congrats for such a long streak !



I think I know what you feel as I was in a very similar situation a few days ago : streak above 150 days, clean but still with some thoughts and fantasies coming here and there. Finally, while I wasn't expecting it at all, I failed (and the filter, while very strict, wasn't as strong as my yetser hara).



So if I may share the lesson I learned from this fall, here it is : once you have stopped watching, you have to stop lusting.



I failed because I remained stucked between these 2 steps. The final challenge is to work on your ratzon. And its the most difficult one, because this is where you have to give up completely on lust.



Hachem wants our hearts. He wants us to really deeply give up our lust and desire. Or at least to control them and use it only as a tool for a greater purpose (keducha, love, bring human being to earth ..). We should never be dominated by our lust. It is the rider who leads the horse, not the opposite.



So if we are not actually watching the thing, but in our heart we crave it, we are still slaves of that thing.

What we really have to do is to change our ratzon.



The thing is, it's impossible to work on our ratzon, on our heart, while we're in a state of tumma. "The eyes see and the heart desires". It is impossible to give up on lust while you're watching these things.



So what I learned, for me at least, is that not watching and not acting on it, and puting filters and barriers etc. are just necessary steps to reach a state where, after a few weeks, you're not dominated with this tumma and you can work deeply on your heart and ratzon.



And I think changing our ratzon, which means, taking control back on our lust feelings, is possible only through prayer and the realization (maybe through some form of meditation ?) that we have absolutely no chance without Hachem.



So if I may, I would recommend you to be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that :

1. You made it on your own

2. You're now healed and safe



Don't forget that Hachem is fighting for you and that you couldn't have gone so far without him. Don't forget that if Hachem releases his help 1 second, you'll fall.



This is what happened to me. I got used to being clean and thought it was natural, forgetting that Hachem was supporting me at each second. I mean, in my head I knew that I couldn't win without Hachem, but after a few weeks clean, my heart I forgot it and started to believe that I made it alone.



Also, you should have ZERO tolerance towards fantasies. I felt into the trap of getting used to having them, something rejecting them right away, sometimes not right away... Never get used to have fantasies, aim ZERO fantasies a day, and if one appears, you have less than 2 seconds to reject it.



And there is only one way to COMPLETELY erase fantasies : give up the fight and let Hachem fight for us.



Hope that makes sense and that my mistakes will be beneficial to your success !

Realestatemogul wrote on 21 May 2020 02:48:

Totally agreed! Self-control just means that one is control of oneself. Making a conscious choice to not have access to something is being in control!


Awesome! That totally resonates with me. It may not feel good, but not feeling good about it is much better than waking up the next morning feeling disgusting.