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ChizukSC 90 day challenge
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 9025 Views

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 25 Oct 2018 03:16 #336658

Congrats on making it to ten days! It’s great that you are giving yourself credit for your efforts, that’s really awesome. Incidentally, I also find getting up tough KUTGW!

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 25 Oct 2018 22:32 #336677

Wow keep it up! Anything that you have found helpful you could share with everyone?

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 26 Oct 2018 02:47 #336688

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Day 11: Strong urges tonight to masterbate. I have gone running for a couple miles and learned in a local beis, but struggling. I have come so far, I cannot lose my gains. Bn I won't go to my room tonight until I am tired enough to go to sleep. I'll read a book and do some work to keep focused on something else. Even as I write this post I am doing a bit better.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 26 Oct 2018 03:43 #336689

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ChizukSC wrote on 26 Oct 2018 02:47:
Day 11: Strong urges tonight to masterbate. I have gone running for a couple miles and learned in a local beis, but struggling. I have come so far, I cannot lose my gains. Bn I won't go to my room tonight until I am tired enough to go to sleep. I'll read a book and do some work to keep focused on something else. Even as I write this post I am doing a bit better.

Why do you want to stop masturbating?

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 26 Oct 2018 04:25 #336690

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ChizukSC wrote on 26 Oct 2018 02:47:
Day 11: Strong urges tonight to masterbate. I have gone running for a couple miles and learned in a local beis, but struggling. I have come so far, I cannot lose my gains. Bn I won't go to my room tonight until I am tired enough to go to sleep. I'll read a book and do some work to keep focused on something else. Even as I write this post I am doing a bit better.

You are BH handling the situation correctly. Besides the distraction that exercising presents, it also releases into the brain the same calming endorphins that masturbating does. And yes, writing out the urges helps minimize them. You are defining and giving boundaries to "the monster" who had been looming in front of you. It is very normal that during the first 3 to 4 weeks the withdrawal is tough, but iyh if you use the techniques you have been doing, you will iyh get past it. Be advised that during this time wet dreams and erections are common. Ignore them completely and they will stop happening too. Feel free to reach out to the oilam here by chat, text, email, phone so we can hold your hand as you ride the waves. Hatzlocha!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 02:38 #336712

I remember that stage as it was only a few weeks ago. I can  say with confidence that it is just a stage. til about 60 days in (i am now at 76) it was a real fight and took effort to stay strong and focus on one day at a time doing the right thing. I made sure to exercise as well, stay connected on GYE by posting and chatting, and tried to surrender to hashem. BH these tools have helped countless other before you. Stay strong through this turbulent part of the journey and iy"h you will also have the same yeshuah I am experiencing now.

We are rooting for you and here to help!

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 04:29 #336717

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Thanks all for the chizuk. Shabbat was tough. But I only slipped and didn't fall so happy about that. Need to make sure to strengthen my resolve.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 04:39 #336718

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What was the trigger? What stopped you from falling?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 17:59 #336755

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 04:39:
What was the trigger? 

Unfortunately, its not an external trigger. In the not too distant past I dated the most wonderful young lady. She is frum, smart, passionate, inspiring and someone I cared about and still care about tremendously. I also found her very attractive. I even felt safe enough to tell her about my struggle with masturbation and she was understanding and at the same helped motivate me to improve. She was really my rock in so many ways, including beating this habit (addiction?). The relationship ended, but my feelings for her and fantasizing about how it could have been and how beautiful she is still bubble up on a daily basis. These feelings and thinking about her and how much I miss her and fantasizing about her tend to cause me to struggle the most and that is usually what causes the slips.
Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 04:39:
What stopped you from falling?

Really just the thought "I have come so far" and in order to marry anyone so I can once again have someone as "my rock" I need to first have this under control.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 18:07 #336757

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ChizukSC wrote on 28 Oct 2018 17:59:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 04:39:
What was the trigger? 

Unfortunately, its not an external trigger. In the not too distant past I dated the most wonderful young lady. She is frum, smart, passionate, inspiring and someone I cared about and still care about tremendously. I also found her very attractive. I even felt safe enough to tell her about my struggle with masturbation and she was understanding and at the same helped motivate me to improve. She was really my rock in so many ways, including beating this habit (addiction?). The relationship ended, but my feelings for her and fantasizing about how it could have been and how beautiful she is still bubble up on a daily basis. These feelings and thinking about her and how much I miss her and fantasizing about her tend to cause me to struggle the most and that is usually what causes the slips.
Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 04:39:
What stopped you from falling?

Really just the thought "I have come so far" and in order to marry anyone so I can once again have someone as "my rock" I need to first have this under control.

You don't have to answer this, but did the relationship end because you viewed her as your rock?

I'm just wondering because that might not have anything to do with acting out.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 19:33 #336760

Unfortunately, its not an external trigger. In the not too distant past I dated the most wonderful young lady. She is frum, smart, passionate, inspiring and someone I cared about and still care about tremendously. I also found her very attractive. I even felt safe enough to tell her about my struggle with masturbation and she was understanding and at the same helped motivate me to improve. She was really my rock in so many ways, including beating this habit (addiction?). The relationship ended, but my feelings for her and fantasizing about how it could have been and how beautiful she is still bubble up on a daily basis. These feelings and thinking about her and how much I miss her and fantasizing about her tend to cause me to struggle the most and that is usually what causes the slips.

Really just the thought "I have come so far" and in order to marry anyone so I can once again have someone as "my rock" I need to first have this under control.

Wow!! Really inspiring to see you not giving in, by this specific case!! Keep trucking!! 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, part of a bi weekly 12 step phone call BH and I meet my gye accountability partner face to face once a week. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 22:51 #336768

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Your struggle is extremely understandable and normal. You were looking towards marriage with a wife that would be your anchor. BH my wife does exactly that for me. She keeps me sane! Unlike some who fantasize about sex with the prospective wife, you are yearning for the real substance of marriage. May Hashem help you find the right one as easily as possible.   Your technique for not acting out was great. Keep it up. It is a major ingredient in a successful marriage.  Regarding bringing up the masturbation struggle while dating, be cautious. Even the most understanding and kind young lady may simply not be able to comprehend how an otherwise frum fellow acts out. Just my humble opinion.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 23:27 #336771

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 22:51:
Your
 Regarding bringing up the masturbation struggle while dating, be cautious. Even the most understanding and kind young lady may simply not be able to comprehend how an otherwise frum fellow acts out. Just my humble opinion.

This is a point I have seen mentioned a few times by many people on the forum and I want to give my opinion on the matter. I think most mental health professionals would disagree. The one I spoke to myself emphasized that females live in this tumadik world and if you think that does not effect even the average bais yaakov girl, it is not true. If you listened to the very helpful conversation between Efrem Goldberg and Moshe Yachnes, they emphasized this struggle effects both genders in this generation and even if females do not go as far males they definitely are affected by the world around us. 

Outside of that, the foundation of a good marriage is honesty. I understand when one is already married and a wife finds out you have secretly been acting out and she feels betrayed. When revealing before going into a marriage, you have been emotionally vulnerable on the highest level by sharing this tough struggle and will lead to a greater healthier relationship.  But going into a marriage without telling your wife you struggled with this area of halacha is setting a faulty foundation for the future. Also, an article by Rabbi Dr. Twerski on GYE giving a young lady advice that honesty with her future choson about her struggles is the correct way to go. I would gather to guess he would say the same with a male revealing to a female.

Just as importantly, spouses need to be there for each others struggles and if speaking to someone (really kind, helpful, well intention) strangers on GYE helps you deal with the struggle, having a wife who will be there by your side will be that much more useful and even help build a closer relationship.

I will end with a caveat. When I revealed to the girl I was dating, I knew her well enough that when she agreed not tell anyone without first running it past me, I knew she was telling the truth. I was really worried she might end the relationship, but I knew she would not break her word on that and that was important.
Last Edit: 28 Oct 2018 23:37 by ChizukSC. Reason: left out the title rabbi

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 28 Oct 2018 23:36 #336772

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 28 Oct 2018 22:51:
Your struggle is extremely understandable and normal. You were looking towards marriage with a wife that would be your anchor. BH my wife does exactly that for me. She keeps me sane! Unlike some who fantasize about sex with the prospective wife, you are yearning for the real substance of marriage. May Hashem help you find the right one as easily as possible.   Your technique for not acting out was great. Keep it up. It is a major ingredient in a successful marriage. 

I cannot say I do not fantasize about sex from my prospective wife, because I do. But my fantasizes do range into other things as well which are probably more healthy, like just being able to hold her and being there to care for her, and wanting to support her emotionally when shes down. In the end, it all is interconnected in some way I suppose. But still a lot to work on.Thank you for your advice. I find your posts on the forum really helpful in this journey.

Re: ChizukSC 90 day challenge 29 Oct 2018 02:55 #336778

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Day 15: Good day. A few people reached out to me on chat to make sure everything was ok, which was nice. I hope to grow those relationships more and start speaking to people over the phone soon. I made sure to exercise and I also listened to conversation between Efrem Goldberg and Moshe Yachnes conversation on impact of inappropriate websites and media on our self-esteem and capacity for intimacy (it was advertised on GYE). Really recommend it. Its going to be a stressful work this week, so I will make sure bn to exercise right after work no matter tired I feel because of the fear of the stress causing me to want to self medicate through masterbation. Hopefully exercise will help negate that.
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