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TOPIC: Momo's journal 11109 Views

Re: Momo's journal 25 Mar 2009 19:37 #4110

  • the.guard
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Momo, how fortunate you are to have these wonderful beautiful Yidden, like Yaakov and Ahron, sharing with you their deepest secrets of how to battle the Menuval. Once you realize how you are not alone, we've all been there, you will start to believe in yourself again!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Momo's journal 26 Mar 2009 16:56 #4150

  • aaron4
I’ll try to explain a bit.  You say
I've done a cheshbon hanefesh, and I know what I do that's wrong, but how does that help me feel closer to HaShem?
  This is the opposite of what I’m describing (although it’s not a bad thing).  The goal is not to identify what you’re doing that’s wrong but how you feel about doing what’s right (read that one again).  Of course everyone “wants to do the right thing”, but that’s a clich? and means very little to most people, and addicts especially just skim the words, throw up their hands and go back to feeling even more depressed.  You have to think about what the right thing is and why.  But not in an intellectual way, in an emotional way.  When doing so, try to avoid clich?s (I would quote the Mesilas Yesharim’s hakdama here but that too has become a clich? and that’s really scary).  That means forcing yourself to think beyond the superficial meaning of the words, so you’ll have to do this slowly.  Start by thinking about why you’re on this world and what you were created for.  What is the challenge of life?  Mesilas Yesharim is great for this – it answers all these questions in detail.  The answers are basic but reviewing them and thinking about them helps you get to the next step -apply them to your life in a practical way.  Not by making kabalos or setting goals (at least not initially) because that’s in your brain, not your heart.  Rather, by thinking about how consistent you are (or aren’t) with those ideas right now.  First, do you agree with them and accept them?  Again, do this slowly, don’t just say “of course I do”.  If not, why not?  For me, the answer was no.  I did not accept or agree – but as I thought about it, the reasons were not because the ideas were flawed but rather because I had always understood them in terms of what my parents and Rabbeim said about them.  And they said things incorrectly, without taking emotional needs into account.  So I rejected them…but now that I realized this distinction, I could re-acquaint myself with the ideas with the proper understanding.  And guess what?  I agree and accept!

For you the details are undoubtedly different, but the approach is the same.  Understand the goal, understand yourself, and then bring to 2 closer, bit by bit.  Until 120.
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Re: Momo's journal 26 Mar 2009 19:19 #4156

  • Ykv_schwartz
Momo wrote on 26 Mar 2009 06:42:

Aaron, you wrote
aaron4 wrote on 25 Mar 2009 19:24:

Hashem wants to own you too.  He doesn’t want you to do mitzvos by rote.  He doesn’t want you to be koviah itim and force yourself to go to the Bais Medrash. He wants you to feel.  To know him in your heart.  To understand him as best you can and feel a connection.

Aaron, I want this so badly, but I don't know how to achieve it on a permanent basis (for more than a few days at a time). How can I achieve this???? As you wrote, I feel like I'm constantly bouncing up and down

Momo, the answer rests deep within you.  You need to dig and find it. It is there.  Focus on what you really want. 
But all I can say is try to internalize every word of aaron.  He speaks from the heart.  Everything he described is what I have gone through as well. Learning to know Hashem in an emotional way.
But for starters, I would like to suggest reading tehillim. Try to tap into Dovid Hamelech's emotional connection to Hashem.  I suggest to read it slowly, not too much at a time.  Make sure you understand the words. Allow your heart to open.  Allow your tears to roll.  It can happen.  Tell Hashem you want to get close but you do not know how.  Ask him for help to remove the urges from you.
Momo, if you really want this badly, as you describe, I have no doubt you will eventually find it.  Keep digging. Keep trying. Never give up.
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Re: Momo's journal 30 Mar 2009 13:12 #4261

  • the.guard
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Dear Momo, I am happy you are posting here again, and that you are not afraid to ask whatever is on your mind honestly.

The fact you have fallen only 3 times in 43 days is incredible. Think about the hundreds of times you had to say "no" to the Yetzer Hara. You should be very joyful, for you surely have the upper hand in this battle and will emerge completely victorious if you continue in the path you have begun. And that is; to keep trying and trying, and not letting the falls get you down.

To answer your questions:


Question #1: I thought they go together (not guarding eyes and mast.). What's going on here? I have control in one area but not in another. How can you explain that?


Some people have an easier time stopping mast than guarding their eyes. Others have it the other way around. In either case, it is the addiction to lust that is still controlling the person. Rabbi Twerski once answered a Bochur who claimed it was impossible for him to stop:

Contrary to logic, marriage does not help sexual addiction, and continuing masturbation after the marriage can ruin it. Even if it is totally controlled, he must tell the woman that he wants to marry that he had a sexual addiction.

His conviction that he cannot overcome the addiction is the addiction talking to him, saying, “Give up the fight, It’s useless. You’ll never succeed, so why put yourself through the misery.”

Other than try to stop and pray etc, what has this young man done to make essential changes in his character? That’s where one should begin.

I attended an AA meeting where the speaker was celebrating his 20th year of sobriety. He began by saying, “The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again” (but the man I am today, will not). Alcoholics who have not had a drink for many years but have not overhauled their character are “dry drunks” and will often drink again. The same is true for sexual addiction.

How does one become a different person? By working diligently on improving one’s character traits. Learning how to manage anger, to rid oneself of resentments, to overcome hate, to be humble, to be considerate of others, to be absolutely honest in all one’s affairs, to admit being wrong, to overcome envy, to be diligent and overcome procrastination. In short, one should take the Orchos Tzaddikim (I’m sure it’s available in English), and go down the list of character traits, strengthening the good one’s and trying to eliminate the bad ones. This does not happen quickly.

When one has transformed one’s character and has become a different person, one will find that this “new person” can accomplish things that the old person could not.



Question #2: Is it such a sin to release seed if you are thinking of your wife when mast. and she's unavailable to you (she's either a nidda or doesn't want sex that day)?


The sin of masturbation is very great, Chazal have written terribly frightening things about it. However, there are a few points to keep in mind:
a) Our level of bechira is not always at 100%. Sometimes we have less bechira than others and sometimes we had no bechira at all. Only Hashem can know this. We, however, must always try our best. Why do so many people fall in this sin, if it is truly such a terrible sin? Hashem does this purposefully because Ain Hatorah Miskayemes ela bemi shenichshol bo Techilah. How can one learn to avoid sin unless he has fallen in it? Almost everyone falls so they can learn what to stay away from and how to fight it. But at the end of the day, Hashem judges us only according to our level of bechira.
b) Hashem wants us to try our best, and get back up again when we fall. But always remain happy. Feel guilty yes, but stay happy. See Chizuk e-mail #341 on this page for a very important and enlightening yesod.
c) I would like to suggest a powerful suggestion. Make a vow for a few weeks, that before you masturbate you will go for a 10 minute walk or take a cold shower. You will see that this will often help you let go of your lust or tension.


Question #3: Is it reasonable to say that I'll compromise with the Y"H and stop watching porn/other women yet mast. and release seed not often, say once a week instead of what I'm capable of (every other day)? If I do this, will my desire for mast. just grow or will it shrink with time? Perhaps in this battle, it is all or nothing?


Here are some very important words of Chaza"l to remember: "There is a small organ in a man. When it is well-fed, it is hungry. When it is starved, it is satiated". The less you use it, the less you need it. See here for more on this. I know some people that limited themselves at first to once a week, and over time they were able to cut down more and more until they were completely able to stop. It could be, that through their hard work at cutting down to once a week at all costs, Hashem helped them ultimately to overcome it altogether. However, this is only if one's goal is stop completely over time. But not if he just decides that once a week is acceptable.

Remember though, it is never "all or nothing" in Yiddishkeit (see Chizuk e-mail #405 - 407 on this page for more on this important Yesod, and on how to plan a “battle strategy” in this area).

And Momo, did anything happen with your research into the 12-Step groups? The beauty of this program is, like I mentioned before, we learn how to stop "fighting" and just give up the lust to Hashem. If you are tired of "fighting and fighting" - SA groups are perfect for you! (See today's Chizuk e-mail #443 for more on this amazing phenomenon!)
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 30 Mar 2009 13:43 by .

Re: Momo's journal 14 Apr 2009 20:13 #4439

  • Elya K
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block u-tube forever. From what I understand music videos are quite provacative themselves, between the
fithy words and pictures, how can you stay sober?
I've blocked all the search engines on all of my computers.
Presently one of the GYE hotline moderators for couples struggling with Shmiras Eiynaim issues in their marriage.  Elya is the author of 2 books, Help Her Heal with Carol Sheets for partners of SA and his latest book, Hey!What About Me: How to become a priority in a world of distraction, impulsivity and indifference. 
https://mailchi.mp/allanjkatz/ztm0vcbin4
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Re: Momo's journal 15 Apr 2009 21:04 #4442

  • me
I use images I have stored in my head, mostly of my wife. I release seed either because I decide on the spot to give myself a couple of minutes of pleasure, or to release some tension I have during the day.


Momo:

You may have stopped looking at women and porn, but when you use images stored in your head, you are in reality still looking at the same things.....only with different eyes, i.e. the mind's eye. So, in the end you get the same results-loss of seed.

I think that it would be a good idea at this point for you to learn as much as possible about tikkun habris, and everything concerning loosing seed. The more you learn, the more prepared you will be to make the right decisions. Many months ago, Guard sent out an url to a video about a man in Israel that went to the other world. He shared about his experience and what "loosing seed" meant over there. You may wish to ask Guard to send you this  url.
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Re: Momo's journal 16 Apr 2009 10:59 #4446

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1b.I've read on this forum that the answer is not fight the lust but to give it as a present to HaShem. I have no clue what that means.


Read again e-mail #447 and #448 on this page.

Also, I highly suggest reading the AA Big Book to learn more about how this works.

Momo, you're a real tzadik. You will come out of this a much greater person. Keep trying, keep learning. This is one of the main things you came down to the world for!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Momo's journal 16 Apr 2009 14:14 #4447

  • Ykv_schwartz
Momo wrote on 16 Apr 2009 08:47:

--2. I'm still trying to figure out how control my lust and also maintain a physical relationship with my wife.

With time you will learn the difference between lusting and loving your wife.  Lusting means to be attracted to physical beauty and desire sexual relations as a means of its own.  Lusting means loving oneself and feeding his own desires the same way he desires food and feeds his desire.  Loving ones wife means to be attracted to ones wife's inner beauty and desire closeness.  Physical relations is a container for an intangible thing called love. It is the way to express that deep seated love within each others' hearts. It is an expression of closeness and becoming one. 

When internalized with the proper perspective, there is no room for lust.  This takes time.  For each person these ideas have a different meaning.  But the Klal is to understand the difference lusting and loving. A person has to ask himself if he loves relations with his wife the same way he loves chocolate.     

Momo, your search for truth is inspiring.  We have watched you grow.  We watched you take each nisayon and conquer it.  We look forward to continue watching you grow as you conquer this next task.

I suggest reading email #416, #417, #430-#433 on this page. You will get a fuller idea of these concepts.
Last Edit: 16 Apr 2009 14:23 by .

Re: Momo's journal 17 Apr 2009 16:19 #4459

  • bardichev
[block u-tube forever quote][/quote]
YKV a gezinter zimmer
I am all with you .I believe that youtube is one of the most potnt weapons Y"H has in his arsenal.especially on the entry level .I look back to my own personal struggles and always come back that videos like you tube is the aveira goreres aveira that gets it all started.
do you have an eitza how to REALLY block it.It is so embedded for example when I upload my family pictures from a somple olympus camera onto a fairly safe program PICASA(google) the videos are given an  to be posted on you tube.
there are  video sites that are much worse than you tube which one does not need any degree in computers to acccess .Do you have a simple Idea how to block them?
I am hoping for a day that there will be a simple disc that will be distributed in all shuls Etc. that each honest jew will stick once into his computer and freeze these sites.
I have learned from herr(GUE) that this is an addiction and it wont be overcome with just TIPS but as everyone says here if Y"H sees your not in the game he will leave you alone (a bit)

humbled and happy
bardichev
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Re: Momo's journal 17 Apr 2009 16:46 #4460

  • Shomer
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Hi Bardichev,

There are ways to block websites like YouTube, including embedded video's and search result images.

You can do this via Internet Explorer by following these instructions, or in Firefox by using this add-on, but the easiest way to block sites like YouTube is by creating rules in your Windows hosts files.  You can find a basic tutorial regarding how to do this here.

Remember, b'tachbulos taseh l'cha milchama ... we need to fight the y"h with solid strategies such as these in-order to be victorious in this melchama ha'gedolah.

B'Hatzlacha Gedolah!!!
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Status update 23 Apr 2009 12:27 #4577

  • Momo
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Hi all,

Today I fell after having 20 clean days. Since I started this forum, I've had 6 falls in 67 days. That averages a fall every 11 days. Before GUI, I would fall every other day. However, I haven't yet removed the lust from my heart, and I'd like to do that, not just produce longer winning streaks in between falls.
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Re: Momo's journal 23 Apr 2009 12:41 #4578

  • me
Did you read chizuk email #438?

You are absolutely right that you Must remove the Lust.
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Re: Momo's journal 23 Apr 2009 12:58 #4579

  • Momo
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me wrote on 23 Apr 2009 12:41:

Did you read chizuk email #438?

You are absolutely right that you Must remove the Lust.


I read it, but I don't understand how it works. How does "giving yourself" to HaShem help remove lust?
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Re: Momo's journal 23 Apr 2009 13:20 #4580

  • the.guard
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Dear Momo. To really learn this amazing secret, you have to join an SA group. You can try reading the Big Book of AA to get more info on this, but there's nothing like joining the group. Otherwise, it's like trying to learn how to do brain surgery by book. You need to see it hundreds of times in real life - and practice it yourself, before you can truly internalize this great truth.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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