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Bb0212's road...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: Bb0212's road... 57933 Views

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Nov 2017 23:55 #321930

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In Yeshiva they told us there is a lock on the kitchen for a reason. We know that you can get though the lock of you really want to. So pls don't defeat the purpose of the lock.

The second you start you trying to get around your filter you have already acted out. God bless you that you should be able to see your insanity as I was able to finally see mine on October 9, 2014. . 
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Nov 2017 01:03 #321933

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serenity wrote on 02 Nov 2017 23:55:
God bless you that you should be able to see your insanity as I was able to finally see mine on October 9, 2014. . 

Full of inspiration
Keep it up
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Dec 2017 06:39 #323203

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Wow. It's been a while since I updated here. Bh I've had a clean month. Thank you to a holy Yid (Hashem Help Me) on these forums who reached out to me & totally made a difference in my life. Today is the 30th day of שמירת עניים ושמירת הברית. I don't know when the last time was that I've been completely clean for 90 days on the full gamut from ושמירת הברית to שמירת עניים, but in either case that's my goal for now. It really hasn't been easy, but my TAPHSIC has helped. Even though I thought that I wasn't a TAPHSIC type of guy, this holy friend helped me come up with something that worked for me: if I want to act out, I must first reach out to him via call or text. 

1 big factor here is that I recently started a movie/tv diet till after Chanukah. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 03 Dec 2017 15:41 by bb0212. Reason: I wasn't finished

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Dec 2017 15:53 #323228

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A couple of things: first of all initially I didn't know if Hashem Help Me (hhm) would be ok if I'd share his username, so I only wrote "holy Yid". After confirming with him, I gave him a specific mention. He was not fond of the title holy Yid, because he figured it would separate him from the rest of us strugglers and wants to be able to help ppl without pushing them away. So for the record, HHM has been there, done that. He's fought the fight and understands the struggle, helps people all over the forum and would probably help you if you emailed him (his email is in his signature) or send him a pm. Regarding the holy Yid part, all of us are holy, we have a built in intrinsic holiness.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 21 Dec 2017 16:30 #324088

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Still clean. So
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
stressed out, ARGHH! . By some miracle I'm still clean. Movie diet is over.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 21 Dec 2017 17:23 #324091

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Totally not interested in working. Dunno what will be. Feel like when I work I'm so broke there's no point in working.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 24 Dec 2017 05:41 #324141

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Shavua tov!

Friday was rough.  Really rough.  I was super depressed.  Missed my 9am appt with my therapist. Rescheduled to 11:45, after that,  left to Manhattan to drop off a couple of things for work and came back home.  Walked in 5 minutes before shkia. Was supposed to go with my friend to somebody to eat the meal,  I told him to go and I'll catch up.  Instead,  I lay down on the couch.  Said shema, shmona esrei - all while lying down, I was so depressed. Then I made kiddish and ate some matzah and schnitzel and benched.  Red some magazines - popular science,  wine enthusiast.
for the most part,  they're pretty kosher although there are some ads which are directed directly at men, so not at all kosher. Being so depressed,  I wanted to fall,  just to distract myself.  Even though I knew it was wrong,  I didn't care.  But there was 1 problem.  It was Shabbos.  
For many people here on the forums, Shabbos is especially difficult.  For some,  including myself,  Shabbos is relatively easy. One reason,  is that a while back,  I told myself,  yeah,  I might fall the whole week.  But to stay clean one day is doable.  Shabbos,  we get a נשמה יתרה, at least that part of my נשמה will be clean. And for a long time (somewhere between 1 & 10 years, dunno what the number is) I've been clean on Shabbos.  
so, back to my story, 

My only struggle Friday night was that it was Shabbos.  It bothered me that it should even be a struggle,  if Shabbos is a day that I usually don't struggle,  why was it different now? Then I realized:  I didn't daven in a minyan, didn't eat a normal Shabbos meal.  Maybe my body didn't "get" that it's Shabbos.  So I decided to daven קבלת שבת. Did a Carlebach style davening it took some time & BH, most of the struggle went away. 

figured I can share some happy news too 
Shout out to heemircha, he pushed me to post this story. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 24 Dec 2017 05:59 #324143

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The last 3 days,  the struggle has been SO DIFFICULT!
A few minutes ago I was thinking about that.  90 days is a nice goal,  but not all 90 days are equal.  Not every day is equal.  In the past 3 days, I've been 90 days clean 2 or 3 times!

but there's no way to explain that to the GYE calendar...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Dec 2017 04:36 #324157

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Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Dec 2017 06:55 #324160

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You should be proud of yourself that you managed to stay clean for so long under so much stress etc.
It's good to see that you started your chart again right away, you are a really special person.

Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Dec 2017 11:16 #324166

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youcan wrote on 25 Dec 2017 06:55:
You should be proud of yourself that you managed to stay clean for so long under so much stress etc.
It's good to see that you started your chart again right away, you are a really special person.

i beg to differ you should proud of yourself for being honest about how good it felt and that you were being rebellious

like a bridge over troubled waters


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Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Dec 2017 11:34 #324168

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tzomah wrote on 25 Dec 2017 11:16:

youcan wrote on 25 Dec 2017 06:55:
You should be proud of yourself that you managed to stay clean for so long under so much stress etc.
It's good to see that you started your chart again right away, you are a really special person.

i beg to differ you should proud of yourself for being honest about how good it felt and that you were being rebellious

You're both right.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Dec 2017 11:39 #324169

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true 

like a bridge over troubled waters


my stuff

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Dec 2017 23:00 #324221

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bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.


BB0212,

I am not going to yell
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
just a gentle reminder. You know this much better than I do, but while everyone needs to release tension, we can choose what we do to release that tension and there are other ways.

I am sure you will pick yourself right up and learn from it, hopefully you will never be stressed to the point that you feel as you put it you "want to fall", but even should you feel that way, i am sure you will remember to release all the stress and tension in a different way.

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Dec 2017 23:44 #324227

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heemircha wrote on 26 Dec 2017 23:00:

bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.



BB0212,

I am not going to yell
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
just a gentle reminder. You know this much better than I do, but while everyone needs to release tension, we can choose what we do to release that tension and there are other ways.

I am sure you will pick yourself right up and learn from it, hopefully you will never be stressed to the point that you feel as you put it you "want to fall", but even should you feel that way, i am sure you will remember to release all the stress and tension in a different way.

I know by me, and I've heard from many others that the moment the lust button is triggered, there is no rememberin' why one should choose one release over the other.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 06:46 #324248

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heemircha wrote on 26 Dec 2017 23:00:

bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.



BB0212,

I am not going to yell
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
just a gentle reminder. You know this much better than I do, but while everyone needs to release tension, we can choose what we do to release that tension and there are other ways.

I am sure you will pick yourself right up and learn from it, hopefully you will never be stressed to the point that you feel as you put it you "want to fall", but even should you feel that way, i am sure you will remember to release all the stress and tension in a different way.

Thank you dear friend! Thanks for everything,  it's very very much appreciated. 

the thing is,  the other easy ways to release tension were not available.  The more difficult ways might causemore stress instead of relieving it. So I really didn't learn much from this fall.  Other than it seems to have been good for me be cause I'm doing so much better. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 08:56 #324251

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Hi there! 
my post might be a bit strange considering the hour.
currently stuck on the road. Last night at 10:30 (5+ hours ago) , An 18 wheeler merged into my car when I was driving 60mph and drove off leaving me to deal with the mess.  My car was towed off the highway and I emptied my wallet to give the guy the $150 for the short drive.  I'm still 25 miles from home and can't get home because the only available towing company is the same guy that towed me to where i am,  and he only takes cash,  of which I have none. Nothing in the bank either,  because whatever is in there, isn't enough  to cover the tuition payment that will overdraft tomorrow (today). So a little tired, actually exhausted. But 1positive thing:  I'll be clean tonight - I'm not fooling around with porn in middle of the street.  
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 09:28 #324252

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 There's a strange humor in this.  24 hours ago I was venting to somebody, telling him how broke I am. 
Ha! That guy (me)  24 hours ago thought he was broke?!
 Wait a sec... what will I be thinking in 24 hours from now about the me in the present time?

So... am I supposed to be upset at the driver for taking off? He stayed for a few minutes before leaving. He saw my car,  he saw the damage,  he drove off.  

Part of me wants to pray that he go through all sorts of torture for what he did.  Another part says, who cares?  He didn't do anything,  Hashem did it all.  So why be upset at that bad word removed? 
but it's not fair! But he didn't do it,  it was Hashem.  But.... and so on and so forth. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 11:33 #324253

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Wow that’s crazy. Hope you can get it taken care of. Is there Chaveirim where you live?

Hashem Yemalei Chesroncha. Keep up the good attitude. 
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 12:07 #324254

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Wow. From the way you are handling this, i am in awe of you. And after speaking with you, i am covinced you are a tzaddik.................
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 12:50 #324255

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God speed!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 14:02 #324263

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I really feel for you. I can totally relate to the money issues...
Really impressed with your attitude about the whole situation. I would've acted out just from the stress of dealing with this accident even if I would have had the money for it. Thank God you are safe and sound and may Hashem bless you with loads of money and very little stress and worry.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 Dec 2017 17:06 #324267

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Wow that’s crazy. Hope you can get it taken care of. Is there Chaveirim where you live?

Hashem Yemalei Chesroncha. Keep up the good attitude.



GS: Amen,  thank you! there's chaveirim, but they couldn't help.  Eventually igot home at like 5:30or 6 

HHM, the word tzaddik apparently has different meanings in my book. But you did get me to laugh and btw, YOU are a special Yid. Incredible. Not at all saying that because of what you called me,  you have just really been an inspiration.  Thank you holy brother! 

Cords, thank you for your encouragement a and amen!

LK, trust me,  you would not have acted out if you were located where iwas.  Absolutely no privacy. 
אמן אמן אמן! 

One more thing.  Which one of you was truckin that truck? Cuz you gotta be more careful. Chill out
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 27 Dec 2017 17:11 by bb0212.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 Dec 2017 01:56 #324308

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bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.

Just to quote the Dov: There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse. 

Think about it.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 Dec 2017 15:28 #324362

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Hakolhevel wrote on 28 Dec 2017 01:56:

bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.

Just to quote the Dov: There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse. 

Think about it.

Ok. 
perhaps that's true,  but it depends on how you look at it.  Besides,  I'm not sure that I would qualify where I was, as lusting. I was very very stressed out & my usual release (basketball) hadn't been available for weeks. By falling,  I released so much stress.  Then I started my count again right away,  but with less stress.
In the past, when I would fall once, I would fall a few times,  or a bunch more. Then,  after a few days/weeks, I'd restart my count.  However,  this time I realized that falling might feel good,  but it was entirely unnecessary - the stress was already gone.  And I didn't fall.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 29 Dec 2017 07:42 by bb0212. Reason: Stressed

Re: Bb0212's road... 29 Dec 2017 03:29 #324397

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bb0212 wrote on 28 Dec 2017 15:28:

Hakolhevel wrote on 28 Dec 2017 01:56:

bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:
Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.

Just to quote the Dov: There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse. 

Think about it.

Ok. 
perhaps that's true,  but it depends on how you look at it.  Besides,  I'm not sure that I would qualify where I was, as lusting. I was very very 9 out & my usual release (basketball) hadn't been available for weeks. By falling,  I released so much stress.  Then I started my count again right away,  but with less stress.
In the past, when I would fall once, I would fall a few times,  or a bunch more. Then,  after a few days/weeks, I'd restart my count.  However,  this time I realized that falling might feel good,  but it was entirely unnecessary - the stress was already gone.  And I didn't fall.

There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse. 

FOCUS on the word LIFE

​IF you are looking at your current stress level, maybe it went down (temporarily) , But your life is back in shambles. Proof is in the pudding, you came here to tell us about it, and you sound confused.

But the silver lining as tzomah said is that you where honest about what you felt, but hopefully you where honest about it with a real person too, because honesty here doesn't translate into much...

Re: Bb0212's road... 29 Dec 2017 07:53 #324411

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Hakolhevel wrote on 29 Dec 2017 03:29:
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse. 

FOCUS on the word LIFE

​IF you are looking at your current stress level, maybe it went down (temporarily) , But your life is back in shambles. Proof is in the pudding, you came here to tell us about it, and you sound confused.


Can you please clarify the above quote, I really don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Ty
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Jan 2018 04:05 #324620

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I quoted "There is no situation in life that lusting won't make it worse."To which you responded, it depends on how you look at it, implying in a certain sense, life has gotten better (or at least that's how I understood it) My response to that was, maybe your stress level has gotten better, or other details, but your life, living real life, has only gotten worse. See my post number #316524 page 11 here. 
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/306108-The-Road-To-Being-Honest-With-Myself-(and-others)?limit=15&start=150#316524 As a disclaimer, obviously I am only sharing my experience and what works for me may not work for you.
Last Edit: 03 Jan 2018 04:07 by Hakolhevel. Reason: Link

Re: Bb0212's road... 04 Jan 2018 18:31 #324706

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Fell this morning.  Was up all night watching movies
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 04 Jan 2018 19:21 #324709

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HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

So, time to get back on the plan, I guess.  My gut says you will pick right back up again!
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 06:53 #324766

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serenity wrote on 04 Jan 2018 19:21:
HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

So, time to get back on the plan, I guess.  My gut says you will pick right back up again!

Haven't gotten up yet. My truck needs a tuneup to get me back up and trucking.  

I'm just numb.  Which is probably why I fell to begin with. 

dunno where to go from here.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 09:49 #324771

bb0212 wrote on 05 Jan 2018 06:53:

serenity wrote on 04 Jan 2018 19:21:
HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

So, time to get back on the plan, I guess.  My gut says you will pick right back up again!

Haven't gotten up yet. My truck needs a tuneup to get me back up and trucking.  

I'm just numb.  Which is probably why I fell to begin with. 

dunno where to go from here.

Sounds like you need to make a phone call if I may suggest
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 15:42 #324790

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First stop acting out, don't think in whether you got up already or not & if you fall again... get up again. By giving up on the situation you don't make things better.
I didn't find yet my way out of a fall, I'm only doing the above & it helps sometimes.

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 18:47 #324807

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youcan wrote on 05 Jan 2018 15:42:
First stop acting out, don't think in whether you got up already or not & if you fall again... get up again. By giving up on the situation you don't make things better.
I didn't find yet my way out of a fall, I'm only doing the above & it helps sometimes.

Pretty sure my problem isn't that I need to get up. My problem is why I fell.  What I need isn't to stay clean, I need to start living again in order to start staying clean.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 18:50 #324808

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 05 Jan 2018 09:49:

bb0212 wrote on 05 Jan 2018 06:53:

serenity wrote on 04 Jan 2018 19:21:
HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

So, time to get back on the plan, I guess.  My gut says you will pick right back up again!

Haven't gotten up yet. My truck needs a tuneup to get me back up and trucking.  

I'm just numb.  Which is probably why I fell to begin with. 

dunno where to go from here.

Sounds like you need to make a phone call if I may suggest

 You're definitely correct.  Phone calls have been made, I've  also spoken face to face with some people .  Still disconnected from life,  but perhaps I know what needs to be done. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 05 Jan 2018 20:00 #324812

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Thanks for sharing. Praying for you to have the willingness to engage in life. 
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 04:17 #324843

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bb0212 wrote on 05 Jan 2018 18:47:

youcan wrote on 05 Jan 2018 15:42:
First stop acting out, don't think in whether you got up already or not & if you fall again... get up again. By giving up on the situation you don't make things better.
I didn't find yet my way out of a fall, I'm only doing the above & it helps sometimes.

Pretty sure my problem isn't that I need to get up. My problem is why I fell.  What I need isn't to stay clean, I need to start living again in order to start staying clean.

I understand what you say, I'm actually in the same situation & I need רחמי שׁמים. But in the mean time please don't give up on the fight. Every time you don't act out you are doing a big thing. For me it's not the same all the time, sometimes it's easier & sometimes it's harder. I don't want to give in when I'm stronger just because I will fall later.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 10:08 #324864

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Well, one things gotta give. Although I didn't want to type this out, avoiding it won't make it go away and it's something that needs to be dealt with asap. Finally, I was told to start looking for another job. I have one more week if work at where I currently am. This has gotta be a good thing so here's to my next job. Lchaim! All I need now is to update my resume and buy a car. And decide to start living again/ staying clean again...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 07 Jan 2018 18:54 #324890

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While it is true we need to start living again, as Rabbi Twerski's book says seek sobriety find serenity, not the other way around. You will need to find a formula that works for you (with help of other real people) to get the bottom line - sobriety. Living life will follow along with time and hard work.

What I discovered after being clean for a short while, was that I did want to live life, but I also really wanted porn. That creates a problem because they don't go together. 

Hatzlacha

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Jan 2018 14:14 #326026

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bb0212 wrote on 27 Dec 2017 08:56:
Hi there! 
my post might be a bit strange considering the hour.
currently stuck on the road. Last night at 10:30 (5+ hours ago) , An 18 wheeler merged into my car when I was driving 60mph and drove off leaving me to deal with the mess.  My car was towed off the highway and I emptied my wallet to give the guy the $150 for the short drive.  I'm still 25 miles from home and can't get home because the only available towing company is the same guy that towed me to where i am,  and he only takes cash,  of which I have none. Nothing in the bank either,  because whatever is in there, isn't enough  to cover the tuition payment that will overdraft tomorrow (today). So a little tired, actually exhausted. But 1positive thing:  I'll be clean tonight - I'm not fooling around with porn in middle of the street.  

So I thought of a lesson that I can learn from this.  The truck driver saw the damage on my car and then took off.  He couldn't afford to have an accident on his record,  he might lose his job that way. 
When I'm trucking,  there may be occasions that I crash. For the past few weeks I've been crashing.  I need to look at this crash and book!  I CAN'T HAVE THIS FALL ON MY RECORD!  I can't sit around and wait for the authorities (self negativity,  Yetzer Hara, whoever) mark this down on my record.  All I should do is leave the scene!  Get out!
Tonight is Shabbos.  BH, Shabbos is always easier for me.  Bli Neder, I'm  comitting to stay clean from now through next Shabbos.  To help with that,  I will take on a taphsic which I haven't kept since my last streak.

Taphsic (this applies only as long as I remember the taphsic)
Before consciously looking at a sexually desired object (let's call it what it is, when I look at a person just for her looks, I'm looking at her as an object), I need to talk to a specific guy (over the phone or voicemail if he doesn't answer,) or, if I can't get through to him,  say 1 perek tehillim & text him to check in. 
If I consciously look without calling or texting first, I will need to give $5 to tzedaka. 

If I am already looking subconsciously,  as soon as I realize what I'm doing I have three seconds to stop.  

Shabbos/yomtov instead of calling/texting say 1 perek tehillim &  ask Hashem to help & to let the individual that I'd otherwise call (if it was a weekday) know for me.

Even though I only specified looking,  this applies to everything regarding shmiras habris/shmiras einayim.

Also want to thank everybody that's part of my support team without getting specific.  You know who you are and if you're not sure,  then you are.  This post (and commitment)  wouldn't have happened if not for you guys. Btw, included in my support team are folks over here that post on their threads and perhaps never contacted me directly,  but I've been inspired by so many of you.  Thank you Hashem for this moment in my life! 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Jan 2018 17:33 #326029

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Way to go buddy!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 Jan 2018 21:48 #326080

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Hi BB,
How was Shabbos? Did you find a new job already? I hope everything is OK.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 30 Jan 2018 05:09 #326135

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lionking wrote on 28 Jan 2018 21:48:
Hi BB,
How was Shabbos? Did you find a new job already? I hope everything is OK.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

  • Hi,  thanks for asking! Shabbos was great,  so far I'm still clean since my previous  post. Re the job,  I'm waiting for confirmation that I have a new job iyH
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 08:12 #326347

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Hey,  bH I'm still clean.  BH I got the job & will be starting beH on Monday. 
(:
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 08:51 #326348

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bb0212 wrote on 02 Feb 2018 08:12:
Hey,  bH I'm still clean.  BH I got the job & will be starting beH on Monday. 
(:

Mazeltov! Hashem's got your back! (even if you don't have his )
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Feb 2018 12:30 #326350

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mazal tov hatzlocho on the new job

like a bridge over troubled waters


my stuff

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Feb 2018 06:08 #326858

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Hey,  bH my job is going well. 

A few minutes ago,  I  had a 1/2 fall.  No masturbation, but some forbidden searches & a bit of touching. This went on for a few minutes.  Remembered my taphsic and stopped.
Initially,  once I looked,  the thought process was "I already looked,  so now I fell.  Once I already fell,  what's a few more minutes?"

Being that I stopped as soon as I remembered the taphsic, I'm keeping the count. Thank you Hashem for giving me the strength to stop! 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Feb 2018 12:25 #326866

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Super!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 01:43 #328596

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Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 03:27 #328602

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Your post sounds like you really do care.
It sounded more like an SOS call than like a parade tooting their horns.

You were there for me in the past, and I really appreciate it. Would you like to chat? My email has changed. You can pm for details.

I fell twice last week. However I just looked at the 90 day dairy and noticed that since when I started to properly keep track on Apr. 23 this past year, I've had 302 cumulative clean days. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It was people like you and others who have been very helpful to me.

I've had periods like you describe, which I felt like I don't care if I fall. However, life's got it's up's and down's. Don't let the down's get you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 18:55 #328650

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lionking wrote on 20 Mar 2018 03:27:
Your post sounds like you really do care.
It sounded more like an SOS call than like a parade tooting their horns.

You were there for me in the past, and I really appreciate it. Would you like to chat? My email has changed. You can pm for details.

I fell twice last week. However I just looked at the 90 day dairy and noticed that since when I started to properly keep track on Apr. 23 this past year, I've had 302 cumulative clean days. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It was people like you and others who have been very helpful to me.

I've had periods like you describe, which I felt like I don't care if I fall. However, life's got it's up's and down's. Don't let the down's get you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

Yup, you're spot on, it's an SOS. 

At the end of the day it's up to me, I get that. I thought I wanted to stop, maybe not, not really sure where I stand. Dunno where the motivation will come from. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 19:13 #328651

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I think that we always want to stop, but sometimes we want other things more than our want to stop.

I think it is important to realize this seemingly small distinction.

If this is true, than we have to address why we would want other things more...

Re: Bb0212's road... 21 Mar 2018 05:07 #328673

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bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 01:43:
Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...

If you didnt care you would not have posted buddy!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Mar 2018 20:38 #328923

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 21 Mar 2018 05:07:

bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 01:43:
Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...


If you didnt care you would not have posted buddy!

Good point. The issue is (I believe) not that I don't care about anything in the world, rather, that I don't care for the "right reasons". 

When masturbating gets in the way of my life, when I stay up till the wee hours of the morning to look at porn, it's exceedingly clear to me that I'm behaving in a dysfunctional and destructive manner. Therefore,, I decide that the porn & masturbation is interfering with life, and thus, I must stop.

However, after a month or so, when I crave that pleasure, I try it again. And I can last for quite a while without sleeping enough. Ok, I'll come to work a bit late, but it's not that bad.

Meanwhile, the reason that I should be stopping has nothing to do with work or sleep. It's because it's bad for me. But I don't know how much I care about that. After all, if I cared about it, would I still be sinning???
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Mar 2018 01:00 #328936

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Bb0212, what an honest post! thank you!true, if we could only not porn or mb notONLY because it will bring dysfunction to our lives, but ALSO because it is wrong and not good for us , then in a time where it seems that porn and mb wont disrupt our livesbut the the thought of its wrong still remains that would be mamash a hatzala! do you have a suggestion perhaps how we can increase our awareness that without the dysfunction reason , its wrong and not good for us ?i would appreciate it! hatzlacha!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Mar 2018 04:32 #328943

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ieeyc wrote on 26 Mar 2018 01:00:
Bb0212, what an honest post! thank you!true, if we could only not porn or mb notONLY because it will bring dysfunction to our lives, but ALSO because it is wrong and not good for us , then in a time where it seems that porn and mb wont disrupt our livesbut the the thought of its wrong still remains that would be mamash a hatzala! do you have a suggestion perhaps how we can increase our awareness that without the dysfunction reason , its wrong and not good for us ?i would appreciate it! hatzlacha!

No, I don't know the answer, it a real shame. 
Btw, that's why I wrote that I don't know if I care. Caring only because it's dysfunctional isn't caring about not doing the wrong thing. It's caring because I care about my desires and there are conflicting desires, therefore, I have to pick one side - in this case either continue porn & masturbation or stop it and go to sleep. But I want to care about God and I want that to be the reason that I stop. But apparently I don't actually care, which is hurtful to type. But if I cared, wouldn't I succeed more? Wouldn't I succeed at all??
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:12 #331390

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Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:30 #331391

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bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:41 #331392

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bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 18:55:
Yup, you're spot on, it's an SOS. 

At the end of the day it's up to me, I get that. I thought I wanted to stop, maybe not, not really sure where I stand. Dunno where the motivation will come from.

I recently came across this article, maybe it can help with the motivation.  G-d knows I'm not there yet, but ODAAT!   
guardyoureyes.com/12-step/item/what-dov-does-when-he-s-bored-2

השלך על השם יהבך והוא יכלכלך
wannabefree613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 23:22 #331417

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lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 23:35 #331419

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i-man wrote on 27 May 2018 23:22:

lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...

By focusin' on light.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 00:26 #331423

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Hi Bb0212,
long time didn't see you here.... (maybe because im not here that often, nah!!) Im soory for you, i know how it feels, but dont worry, thats why you and we are here, its the best place on earth, question is, why didn't you come here earlier  so we can help you right away?
anyway, thats part of the game, we all have a huge YH, and he is not sleeping, he will let you stay clean for a loooooong time, and then, boooms, traaaach, a huge fall, but dont let your self be dragged from him, you can do it, just pick yourself up and march forward, all of your falls are not separate falls, but its all one long fall, and now tell your self enough is enough, start from fresh, as soldiers for Hashem's army we wont let you down on the battlefield  lets run together....
waiting to hear from you good news, do it for us...

Lets focus on Today only, because “The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now” and remember “Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing”

Thank you
My email:jacdoja@gmail.com
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להטות לבבנו אליו ללכת בכל דרכיו ולשמר מצותיו וחקיו ומשפטיו אשר צוה את אבתינו
כי עיקר מציאות האדם בעה"ז הוא רק לקיים מצות ולעמד בניסיון,  והנאות העולם אין ראוי שיהו לו אלא לעזר ולסיוע בלבד לשיהיה לו נחת רוח ויישוב הדעת למען יוכל לפנות לבו אל העבודה הזאת מסילת ישרים

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 05:35 #331440

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i-man wrote on 27 May 2018 23:22:

lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...



First of all, stop adding to the darkness.
Then teshuva takes away the klipos. A klipa is a peel. The way I understand it, the neshama is absolute light. It's beautiful and warm. When we sin, we cover the light with a peel of darkness. The more we sin, the thicker the darkness surrounding our neshama. The thicker the darkness, the more difficult it is to connect to our neshama.

So why, why why why, do I continue bringing darkness onto my life?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 10:51 #331446

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bb0212 wrote on 28 May 2018 05:35:

First of all, stop adding to the darkness.
Then teshuva takes away the klipos. A klipa is a peel. The way I understand it, the neshama is absolute light. It's beautiful and warm. When we sin, we cover the light with a peel of darkness. The more we sin, the thicker the darkness surrounding our neshama. The thicker the darkness, the more difficult it is to connect to our neshama.

So why, why why why, do I continue bringing darkness onto my life?

Hi BB,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I pray you should be successful this time around. Can I make a suggestion to listen to Cord' He usually knows what he is talking about.
cordnoy wrote on 27 May 2018 23:35:
By focusin' on light.

Perhaps don't focus so much on stopping to add to the darkness, first fovus on Asei Tov.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 30 May 2018 19:35 #331549

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My sister just gave birth to a really cute little boy.

Last year, she gave birth to a little girl, the girl died soon after.

The boy was taken to the NICU for monitoring. I'm terrified of what may happen.

BN I'm going to be clean for 90 days from today, please Hashem, shower happy news down upon us! Please, give a refuah shelaima to this innocent little boy.

You don't need me to stay clean to change anything in this world. You owe us nothing. I should be clean regardless. But I'm asking you, Abba, please take this zechus of the next 90 days of שמירת עניים ושמירת הברית and send it all to this נשמה טהורה.

Anybody reading this, feel free to take on something yourself. Smile to somebody today. Smile to yourself!
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 30 May 2018 19:41 #331550

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Mazel Tov! May the simcha be Mashpia on all of us. Refuah Shleime for the baby.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Jun 2018 05:05 #331650

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Hi bb,
Gut Voch, I hope your doing fine and not holing up in isolation. We are rooting for you.
Hatzlocha Rabba on your recovery.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Jun 2018 07:50 #331660

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welcome back bb we missed you, the forum wasnt the same without you,refuah shelema on the baby!

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Jun 2018 06:05 #332054

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Thank you everybody. BH the baby is home and seems to be fine. BH I'm still clean.

Trying to straighten out my mental state. Not sure where it's at right now. Nothing crazy, but I'd prefer to be in a better place.

For now, I guess I am holing up in isolation...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 12 Jun 2018 06:10 #332056

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Great news about the baby BH. Hibernating season is over. Time to rejoin our society.......
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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Re: Bb0212's road... 29 Jun 2018 23:27 #332825

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I fell last night :/  I was surprised that I fell before 90 days. But I was expecting to fall day 91. And I "fell" again now. Not sue that it's consider it a fall if I'm not devoted to staying clean

The past few months I've been pretty disconnected from Gd.
Not always davening. Almost never davening with a minyan. Davening shmona esrei lying in bed only because I didn't daven earlier and I don't want to move from my bed.

To be honest, for a number of months (maybe 6) I've been driving away. I know that I need to put work into getting closer and staying clean, and nobody else can do that for me.
However, it seems like I haven't been willing to go that extra mile...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Sep 2018 07:18 #335489

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Hang on... Not sure if this post will make sense...

I suppose I could feel worse about my complete lack of self discipline. I'm routinely MZ"L  without really trying to stop.

Running into lots of financial stress. In the past, stress has usually affected me in one of two ways.
Either I completely ignore the stress by shoving it under the rug or I'm completely overwhelmed and I get depressed.
Ignoring the stress would manifest itself by me using a credit card with no way to pay it up.

Otherwise... Depression should not be an option, been down that road and is the worst hell that I've ever experienced.


This is obviously an opportunity for self growth.
That said, I have to be willing to grow. I'm choosing to disconnect from God by not davening in a minyan, or even missing tefillos/tefillin completely.
The proper response in my case would be to somehow acknowledge the stress and use it to motivate me to succeed at life.

I really wish I knew how ppl who are broke survive. I'm so so so lost, dunno wtf I'm doing

Gnite
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Sep 2018 11:00 #335495

  • lionking
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I feel for you. I'm also wallowing in financial debt, and wonder how to survive.

May Hashem bless you with lots of Parnossah and only success in life, May you be zoche to feel a closeness to Him.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 17 Sep 2018 05:12 #335571

  • bb0212
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There's this thing called "stress". Stress and I don't have a great relationship. In the past, when stress came, I made believe it didn't exist (by shoving it under the rug). If I understand me correctly, this worked because I was numbing myself to all feelings.
This led to some serious depression.
After spending time in a couple of direct psych wards and dealing with all the *!#= that life threw at me, I started doing much better. BH.
Recently, I've been "ignoring" my financial stress. I think I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff with all sorts of depression at the bottom.
My connection to God is in the dumps.
I haven't been trying to stay clean since June, which is probably why I haven't been here much.
This Shabbos I are some challa Friday night, read PopSci, slept from 11pm? Till around 1pm (14hours) went out for a meal Shabbos day, then came back and slept till some time after Shabbos.

I'm not sure if I've davened any tefillos (ש"ע) since Thursday, till today - I mumbled mincha while driving today. (Just remembered, did the same for shacharis on Friday.)
Not sure that this is the appropriate forum to post the above. Sorry if it ain't.


Just a random rant
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 17 Sep 2018 05:14 by bb0212.

Re: Bb0212's road... 17 Sep 2018 05:15 #335572

  • bb0212
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The point of the above post was to bring out how lost I am.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 17 Sep 2018 11:15 #335575

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Sorry to hear how tough it has been. May Hashem give you parnassa and yishuv ha'daas. from all your posts it sounds like the thing that keeps knocking you down is finances. If you win the lottery, please share the winnings with others in the same boat.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Sep 2018 12:25 #335657

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HHM,

Here's some winnings from the lotto. One of Hashem's many generous gifts from Yom Kippur:

Some thoughts from Yom Kippur:  When we daven  אשמנו בגדנו...  על חטא שחטאנו.... How on earth am I doing teshuva on behalf of another Yid?

The answer I always heard is very simple: we are all one.
But what does that mean?

When Hashem created us, he took a "piece of Himself" and made it into a neshama. He then split that neshama into millions of pieces and put different pieces into different bodies. 

Now comes Yom Kippur, the day we invite all the sinners to join us before we start Kol Nidrei, because we need ALL of us to daven together in order for our prayers to be whole.  On this day, there's a special koach that Hashem puts in the world. We can connect to one another through our soul. We don't have multiple souls. It's all one soul. That means, if there's a Yid that's completely lost and disconnected, but we want his tefilla, what are we going to do?

He's not going to shul and he's not gonna daven, so how do we include his tefilla? We can daven for that Yid, if we realize that we are all the same. The only difference is our bodies, a mere technicality.  So if "my soul" and "your soul" is the same soul, when "I" say  על חטא,  if I have in mind to connect to a part of my neshama that's currently in another body, and I'm "davening from there" that's what is actually happening. The physical body that "my" neshama is in, it's just one branch" of our collective neshama. 

We are one. You is I. I is we. We is him, is her, us, etc. We are all one soul.  A gut kvitell to the all of you/me/us!
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 20 Sep 2018 12:29 by bb0212.
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