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Bb0212's road...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Bb0212's road... 59200 Views

Re: Bb0212's road... 09 Feb 2017 14:25 #305428

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Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Feb 2017 19:10:
BTW I miss that snake game.

My thing was SF cave.

(For the mussar, you're eventually gonna crash, but the more you keep getting up, the further you'll get.)
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 07:49 #305517

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bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:25:

Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Feb 2017 19:10:
BTW I miss that snake game.

My thing was SF cave.

(For the mussar, you're eventually gonna crash, but the more you keep getting up, the further you'll get.)

Yes, but you start back at the beginning.

I've never felt filters was an ego thing. Guess that's just me.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

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Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 08:14 #305518

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Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 10:37 #305521

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Ok fair points. SF Cave = just a game. Not life :-)
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 10:44 #305522

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Singularity wrote on 10 Feb 2017 07:49:

I've never felt filters was an ego thing. Guess that's just me.

 How many ppl out there have completely open internet devices? Why else wouldn't they put a filter on when they're told all different types of stories of ppl that fell?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 10 Feb 2017 10:45 by bb0212.

Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 15:19 #305543

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Filters don't work unless we do.

Otherwise it's like leaning heavily on a stick that suddenly snaps in half....

Re: Bb0212's road... 10 Feb 2017 16:11 #305548

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Watson wrote on 10 Feb 2017 15:19:
Filters don't work unless we do.

Otherwise it's like leaning heavily on a stick that suddenly snaps in half....

Agreed. These forums have been helping me work. Bh
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 13 Feb 2017 05:46 #305655

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Wow. (Please hold on tight, incoming ADD possible.) To say that Hashem is great, awesome, blabla etc, it's pointless. Like we say
 נשמת כל חי.... אילו פינו מלא שירה כים וכו
 It's special when we feel the love and any semblance of Hashem's greatness. Today I felt the love...
 Today I heard Abba tell me to add another גדר. 

This morning, I was online, showing my kids videos of tornadoes and other random interesting stuff. At one point, I saw a thumbnail of something that was triggering for me. It looked interesting and my daughter asked if she could see that. I responded no and left the page quickly. End of story.

However, that video started calling me about an hour later, just screaming in my head that I had to watch it. I had to daven, but I pushed that off, saying I'll just see this video. It wasn't necessarily a sexual video, at least in my head. It couldn't be, because my kids were playing right next to the computer and I wanted to see that video, but there's no way I'd do that to my kids, to watch a sexual video in front of them. It was probably a PG-13 clip. In either case, I went through the history to try and find it, spent at least a half hour looking, but I couldn't find it. So I went through all the history again, opened a bunch of tabs, hell-bent on finding it. At some point, I thought what about getting to 90 days clean? & how I don't want to mess that up now, but I said, nah I'm only watching the video I'm not going any further. (I must had developed amnesia for all the other times that I have said the same thing - and we all know how it ends.) However long that took, after some time, my kids needed me, and I couldn't push them away. So I got up, then I davened at which point I suddenly calmed down and realized how out of control I was acting. The rest of the day,  till after 11pm, was too busy to even go back on the computer (my internet shuts down at 11).
Right before I came home I went it to daven maariv and that when it really hit me. Hashem was עוזר ומושיע ומגן שלי. He was watching out for me and just didn't let me slip.  
When I feel this type of connection and love from above, I try to focus & hold on to it, to keep it for those times that I feel nothing of the sort. In either case, that was my get out of jail free card. Next time it needs to be different. I don't know that Hashem will save me like that next time, I have to presume that he expects me to succeed without that clutch help.

What can I do different next time? I'm gonna dig around over here, looking for some goodies. If any one of you have any ideas... The main problem this time wasn't seeing the thumbnail the first time. Looking for it was the issue. What do I do next time I see a triggering thumbnail? The question is necessarily how do I prevent seeing the thumbnail, because what if I took preventative measures, yet still saw a trigger?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
Last Edit: 13 Feb 2017 05:50 by bb0212. Reason: Because when you read that I edited this, it automatically makes me smarter. True story.

Re: Bb0212's road... 13 Feb 2017 07:27 #305665

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bb0212 wrote on 13 Feb 2017 05:46:
Wow. (Please hold on tight, incoming ADD possible.) To say that Hashem is great, awesome, blabla etc, it's pointless. Like we say
 נשמת כל חי.... אילו פינו מלא שירה כים וכו
 It's special when we feel the love and any semblance of Hashem's greatness. Today I felt the love...
 Today I heard Abba tell me to add another גדר. 

This morning, I was online, showing my kids videos of tornadoes and other random interesting stuff. At one point, I saw a thumbnail of something that was triggering for me. It looked interesting and my daughter asked if she could see that. I responded no and left the page quickly. End of story.

However, that video started calling me about an hour later, just screaming in my head that I had to watch it. I had to daven, but I pushed that off, saying I'll just see this video. It wasn't necessarily a sexual video, at least in my head. It couldn't be, because my kids were playing right next to the computer and I wanted to see that video, but there's no way I'd do that to my kids, to watch a sexual video in front of them. It was probably a PG-13 clip. In either case, I went through the history to try and find it, spent at least a half hour looking, but I couldn't find it. So I went through all the history again, opened a bunch of tabs, hell-bent on finding it. At some point, I thought what about getting to 90 days clean? & how I don't want to mess that up now, but I said, nah I'm only watching the video I'm not going any further. (I must had developed amnesia for all the other times that I have said the same thing - and we all know how it ends.) However long that took, after some time, my kids needed me, and I couldn't push them away. So I got up, then I davened at which point I suddenly calmed down and realized how out of control I was acting. The rest of the day,  till after 11pm, was too busy to even go back on the computer (my internet shuts down at 11).
Right before I came home I went it to daven maariv and that when it really hit me. Hashem was עוזר ומושיע ומגן שלי. He was watching out for me and just didn't let me slip.  
When I feel this type of connection and love from above, I try to focus & hold on to it, to keep it for those times that I feel nothing of the sort. In either case, that was my get out of jail free card. Next time it needs to be different. I don't know that Hashem will save me like that next time, I have to presume that he expects me to succeed without that clutch help.

What can I do different next time? I'm gonna dig around over here, looking for some goodies. If any one of you have any ideas... The main problem this time wasn't seeing the thumbnail the first time. Looking for it was the issue. What do I do next time I see a triggering thumbnail? The question is necessarily how do I prevent seeing the thumbnail, because what if I took preventative measures, yet still saw a trigger?

Wow. That's amazing.

'Cause if I was surfing youtube trying to find a specific video, I'd had passed a lot on the way, haha... I know how to access the darkest corners of the cesspool. and It's much more exciting than porn, sadly. yaga'ti u'matza'si

So keep on the streak. For me, though, If I were truly honest, I'd consider that whole episode a "fall" and maybe if I were really strong, I'd reset my clean streak counter. But you are probably different.

People who have no filters but know of horror stories, well, it might be ego, like "well it won't happen to ME!"

But I know, have heard, and are slowly validating it as acceptable, based on Dov's calls and his experience in addiction vs normalcy, is that some people just don't see it as a problem. Not denial, just their minds aren't wired to chase porn like a cat n' mouse as soon as youtube loads up. But it's one of the hardest realities for me to accept. But it's a reality, for sure.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Bb0212's road... 13 Feb 2017 07:42 #305672

Personally I would not reset my counter for something like this I view it as part of the struggle much like the 3 second rule when walking in the street.

Just a suggestion why not leave a sticky note or something like that on the computer with a short reminder of this episode maybe it can reinforce your' commitment if ch"v there is another test!

Let us know what you decide and thanks for the chizuk
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h


guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!
Last Edit: 13 Feb 2017 07:46 by MayanHamisgaber.

Re: Bb0212's road... 13 Feb 2017 08:02 #305680

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 13 Feb 2017 07:42:
Personally I would not reset my counter for something like this I view it as part of the struggle much like the 3 second rule when walking in the street.

Just a suggestion why not leave a sticky note or something like that on the computer with a short reminder of this episode maybe it can reinforce your' commitment if ch"v there is another test!

This is a great idea. I'll try to come up with something along these lines, although I think I need more than that.

Let us know what you decide and thanks for the chizuk

Singularity wrote on 13 Feb 2017 07:27:
Wow. That's amazing.

'Cause if I was surfing youtube trying to find a specific video, I'd had passed a lot on the way, haha... I know how to access the darkest corners of the cesspool. and It's much more exciting than porn, sadly. yaga'ti u'matza'si

Thank God this wasn't on YouTube lol. (YouTube is black listed)

So keep on the streak. For me, though, If I were truly honest, I'd consider that whole episode a "fall" and maybe if I were really strong, I'd reset my clean streak counter. But you are probably different.

We are all at different places in our struggle. My 90 commitment is to refrain from masturbation. Wet dreams won't bother me at all (if it didn't come from anything I purposely looked at beforehand). שמירת עניים is imperative obviously, to keep that streak. But it's not the end goal right now. Besides, I didn't end up slipping. I tried to slip but didn't. In my book that's "bad intentions" while not doing anything.
ה' נותן יד לפושעים
 I'm not a פושע - maybe I was, but I'm not now because I'm trying to stop. Hashem, stopped me, prevented me from slipping.


People who have no filters but know of horror stories, well, it might be ego, like "well it won't happen to ME!"

I have k9. This wasn't a porn video, wasn't meant as anything sexual as far as I could tell from the caption/thumbnail. But what it's intended to be doesn't make a diff. It's what I intend to look at it for.

But I know, have heard, and are slowly validating it as acceptable, based on Dov's calls and his experience in addiction vs normalcy, is that some people just don't see it as a problem. Not denial, just their minds aren't wired to chase porn like a cat n' mouse as soon as youtube loads up. But it's one of the hardest realities for me to accept. But it's a reality, for sure.


Replied above. Thank you guys!
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 13 Feb 2017 08:44 #305694

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MayanHamisgaber wrote on 13 Feb 2017 07:42:
Personally I would not reset my counter for something like this I view it as part of the struggle much like the 3 second rule when walking in the street.


I try draw a line at the 30 000 second rule ;-)
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Feb 2017 07:35 #305810

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20%!

Today I felt some love. I was going to a store that has a picture of a lust on the front door. Before I got to the door, Abba reminded me of that picture, so I looked down when I walked in. It's awesome to feel Hashem help me out, I really love Him. It's usually difficult to connect to the love that I have for Abba, but I know it's there, and right now I really feel it.

Thank you Hashem! Thank you Abba!
18 days. With Hashem backing me, I can take on the world. Note I gotta internalize this m
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Feb 2017 08:11 #305811

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Woohoo! One down!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Bb0212's road... 16 Feb 2017 04:00 #305977

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"We all have inner strength. The question is what it's limits are and how much we need to supplement it. Which is all an extension of that inner strength. For an addict, to say "it's ok, I just need to be stronger & everything will be fine", that's just foolish. An addicts inner strength might need to be supplemented by the 12 steps, or Dov's calls, etc. 
A non addict saying "I'm strong, I don't need a filter" is being blind to what's going on around the world. It takes inner strength to put overcome one's ego and put a filter on the internet devices."

I think one can add, that adding filters/fences is actually part of inner strength. One has to have inner strength to say "I Need This"
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