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Singularity's Journey
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: Singularity's Journey 68177 Views

Singularity's Journey 12 Jul 2016 09:18 #291786

  • Singularity
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Well here I am, aaaagain! Actually this is the first time I've posted in this forum but I've decided to give it a 90-days go. Again. Oh boy.

BH married, 2 wonderful kids and a good job. Good learning and constantly striving for closeness to Hashem. Now have to kick this habit.

I'm in two minds. One one hand, it's good to track progress and discuss your falls and high moments. It gives chizuk for the long haul ahead. However is there not also an idea that the less attention you give something, the less of a problem it is? Any ideas?

Well here I am on day 1. The bulk of Shavuos to Rosh Hashonah is about passed. We're in Bamidbar - a desolate stretch of Torah (from Beha'aloscha at least) where we as a nation fell gravely and were beaten time and time again, due to Ta'avah and Kavod. All put to an end by Pinchas's sole act of zealousness, the seal to all the impure outflow. And I feel it reflects in the time of year. Nothing's happening! No Chagim. Worse, 17th of Tammuz, 9th of Av. It's the Yetzer Hara's playing ground and I always get knocked down strongest here. It's a metzi'us.  So I wish to be a phoenix rising from the ashes of a downtrodden nation. And let's all be that together iyH. 

Elul will be a lot easier I feel. It's the desolate months of Tammuz and Av that pose the real challenge. But let's see how it goes. Day 1!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 12 Jul 2016 11:39 #291791

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Hi

I'm in two minds. One one hand, it's good to track progress and discuss your falls and high moments. It gives chizuk for the long haul ahead. However is there not also an idea that the less attention you give something, the less of a problem it is? Any ideas?


I think you may be misunderstanding our struggle thinking its an external nuisance, when it usually has more to do with our emotions and escape patterns to the Midbar

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Re: Singularity's Journey 14 Jul 2016 08:03 #291910

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No definitely it's deep and holistically connected to emotions and tendencies. Though Chazal set the Torah Reading cycle with Chochmah obviously and perhaps the themes resonate with the human psyche, the mazalos, etc. Food for thought.

Day 3 and still going strong!! BH
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

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Re: Singularity's Journey 14 Jul 2016 18:53 #291949

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Glad you're here.  I'm back again too.  Day 6 from porn and 7 from acting out.  Not thinking about it is like not thinking about that pink elephant.  Best to acknowledge that your brain is having those thoughts because you're going through withdrawal.  It's normal.  Cravings don't last forever we just think they will.  Have a plan of what to do when the cravings hit and redirect yourself to something positive, something consistent with your values.  Above all self compassion.  

Re: Singularity's Journey 15 Jul 2016 03:08 #291991

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Welcome.  You write deep stuff. I like it.

I've managed to stay clean for 21 days. Longest, probably, ever for me. And without tashmish. Tremendous self control. I feel Alive. Even though it's hard. 

It's been amazing and I've been feeling and seeing hashem guide me along through this process and in my life.
By Krias yam suf, it says vayisau - rashi says they just needed to go, and ein hayam Omed bifnayhem. Once a person goes and says, that's it, then hashem will guide them. And also, the yam disappears. First 1-2 week are really hard, but if you can manage to get through them, and it seems like you're on track to do so, it should get a lot easier. Hatzlacha. 

Re: Singularity's Journey 17 Jul 2016 02:34 #292070

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The summer months are hard for me too. I think it's something about the heat and relaxed pace that makes me let my guard down a bit.

KOT!

Re: Singularity's Journey 18 Jul 2016 08:08 #292157

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Hi.

It's winter for us southern hemispheres people  but it still gets to me. 
7 days and going strong BH!
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 18 Jul 2016 08:36 #292159

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 Hey, sing, I'll gladly send you some heat and humidity if that's what you're missing .

KOT - and don't forget your snowplow...
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
They are expecting two feet of snow...
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!


 
For Dov and the other two guys who care,
My real name really is
 Eli
Like the original Bendy, Ein hadavar talui ela bee




 
Last Edit: 18 Jul 2016 08:50 by ben durdayah.

Re: Singularity's Journey 25 Jul 2016 12:51 #292598

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Day 14! Two weeks BH. One of them Niddah >.< So I hope that goes to show a truer commitment. 

One of the scariest realities is acting out during niddah. It's such a betrayal to your wife, like a stab in the back. Utterly gruesome. It's just scary. She's doing all the bedikos to Metaher herself just for you and you go and ruin it all. Chutzpah! May we all merit to be strong in our struggles, especially in this crucial time of bein ha'Meitzarim. Hatzlocha all!
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 25 Jul 2016 14:31 #292614

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Singularity wrote on 25 Jul 2016 12:51:
Day 14! Two weeks BH. One of them Niddah >.< So I hope that goes to show a truer commitment. 

One of the scariest realities is acting out during niddah. It's such a betrayal to your wife, like a stab in the back. Utterly gruesome. It's just scary. She's doing all the bedikos to Metaher herself just for you and you go and ruin it all. Chutzpah! May we all merit to be strong in our struggles, especially in this crucial time of bein ha'Meitzarim. Hatzlocha all!

Just curious, how is it more of a betrayal than acting out when she is not during niddah?
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Re: Singularity's Journey 25 Jul 2016 18:47 #292642

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I don't think she is doing all the bedkos just for you. our wives do it for themselves and to have a closer  marriage. and we throw it all away when we look at it as its just for s*x.

Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Jul 2016 10:40 #292772

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Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jul 2016 14:31:

Singularity wrote on 25 Jul 2016 12:51:
Day 14! Two weeks BH. One of them Niddah >.< So I hope that goes to show a truer commitment. 

One of the scariest realities is acting out during niddah. It's such a betrayal to your wife, like a stab in the back. Utterly gruesome. It's just scary. She's doing all the bedikos to Metaher herself just for you and you go and ruin it all. Chutzpah! May we all merit to be strong in our struggles, especially in this crucial time of bein ha'Meitzarim. Hatzlocha all!

Just curious, how is it more of a betrayal than acting out when she is not during niddah?

Probably not. But just not as dramatic
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

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Re: Singularity's Journey 29 Sep 2016 09:42 #295743

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Okay. Day 7 PG! Just the start of it...*

It's been a trying time. Though let me speak it out and try clarify for myself.

I am at a job where I recently changed positions. When I first started out, things were going great BH I landed in a position where I worked on a system and it was extremely successful. I even got employee of the year!!! --- however the system kinda went on autopilot so I went into the real IT department and *felt* like my work dropped like crazy... I was allocated to mundane, repetitive projects that were really soul sucking (for example, pressing a button and waiting for half an hour for something to happen. And my wife can testify. I had to do it at home. It took a whole night of pressing buttons). It also left me with a lot more time where I wasn't doing anything, and we all know what happens when that happens... So the dangerous thing is I took more and more risks (watched youtube very secretively, the most degrading things, in an open office!) just to get my fix. And I know the trigger. A combination of boredom and very intense feelings of worthlessness. I'm not doing anything. I'll never accomplish anything.

And then a tipping point emerged when I was expected to work late, overtime, weekends, holidays to meet crucial deadlines. Now I know there are a million opinions however my wife and I are adamant on family time and if these demanding conditions were present at the beginning of the job then I probably wouldn't have taken it. So I (and I admit it wasn't handled the best way possible, but I) complained and asked to be moved to my previous position and work on more integration and whatnot.

However the transition was shaky as I was told I exerted a perception of not being motivated and not having done that great work. Which was a hit because I thought I had kept those feelings undercover and just got along with what I had to do. However I guess you can only hide true feelings for so long and it sure did have an impact on my work quality. So my permanent contract diminished to a probationary 3-month contract set to terminate in november if they see no use for me. Which I am slowly coming to terms with, because what's the point of my being in a place of work I have absolutely no interest in, and they don't need me either, just for some money? I don't know. It's a massive cheshbon, what with a family and everything else. And I asked a rav about it too. He said it's not necessarily a bad thing to leave. Even if it's tight financially. Not that my current salary is enough either. But parnossa is up to Hashem. Perhaps He has in mind something much greater for me. And this is obviously all just a test.

So I learned up a new system and improving the current system whenever needed. Yet the interim is still fraught with lots of free time. And being the deep thinker Hashem has blessed me with, I get to worrying A LOT - "I'm stealing from them! Why am I even being paid to be here?? What am I doing??!?? Should I have stayed in the previous position?"
And then in the late afternoon, when most people have left, I go right back to lusting. The dark crevices of youtube (I feel it's like my drug dealer. You hate its guts, wish you could shoot it in the head, but you can't get rid of it. You need it too much), and who knows what's worse out there? Chances are I'll find it. And I'm doing even riskier stuff just wishing I could stop. Just like everyone else here I guess...

And my wife and I are finding it hard to integrate. We have a community of kollel/yeshiva guys, however my wife and I are both ba'alei tshuva having never grown up in that society, both our families are secular and we just don't have an "in" to these guys who have been best friends since they were kids, their families grew up together etc. It's like a massive web of deep history and we're standing there with our tiny spider strands, aimlessly shoving the feeble lines into any small hole we can find. And it's frustrating. And we're both very introverted. We like a small group of friends, small shabbos gatherings. We get so overwhelmed by large groups. I close off, my wife steals away with me. Our relationship is fantastic though! However I don't have a real friend really, it's very lonely when I'm not with my wife. And I can't be with her aaaalllllways. Though that would be nice.
And Rosh Hashona is coming. And I know that I will have a dual perception. On one hand, wishing to do Teshuva and accepting Hashem as king of all, but on the other hand, resenting everything around me because nobody there talks to me, That what's there to this frumkeit if it leaves me lonely and desperate? The children's books are all lies! Where everyone loves everyone and learns Torah all the time. So I tried making friends by learning. Turns out nobody wants to learn. Like They'd rather talk about business or soccer (in commonwealth countries it's a big deal, America). I feel I have no attachment to those things therefore no connection whatsoever to anyone else....

So these anxieties creep up on me:


  1. General lack of direction or worth due to not having anything productive to do in large stretches of time at work, feeling too guilty to do other things in that time
  2. Lack of connection to others due to vastly different backgrounds, social ineptitude and different interests


and they provoke me more and more to escape into my fantasy world of schmutz.

But I will get up, dust myself off and carry on. Doing what, you may ask? Here's somewhat a game plan:


  1. I researched local SA meetings and have found one (absolute hashgocha) on the way home from work at that time as well! and this past monday I was so intent on going, I *almost* did but chickened out at the last second which I do furiously regret. I want to attend the next meeting. It's a mixed meeting. Is that bad? MARKZ! I know you're reading this, you read everything, you're amazing. Is a mixed meeting good or bad? I thought I'd try it out and see. It can't be so detrimental just one time. I just chickened out. But I need to do this.
  2. I want to restructure my learning. Right now I am doing the Daf Yomi and Daf Yomi b'Halocha. BH I even went through Bava Kama and wrote 3 of the 4 30-daf tests! But when I finished I felt even worse than usual and since Tuesday have been in a massive slump. Because I thought Daf Yomi is unifying. But I did it by myself (ok don’t think of me as some brain child) and didn’t connect with anyone really. So it only emphasized the loneliness. I want to find a good shiur, like even if I don’t track a lot of ground, I’ll work together in a framework with other likeminded guys. I want to be part of something bigger. And it may help the loneliness.

That’s it for now. One week down, shaky, but strong, I hope. Onto the holydays!

"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 29 Sep 2016 13:14 #295747

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Ok brother 

Lots of similarities I find with you and me, so thanks for giving me a shout

Youtube was my favorite past time 

Boring work or the stagnant times I had recently when I was working from home on different job seeking opportunities, were a recipe for dissatisfaction and lust. Well... so I thought till I joined GYE. 

Then after joining gye and posting daily (which virtually no one else does on this virtual site) something changed for me and I realized that it's not necessarily the outside circumstances of life that drive us to Lust, rather some internal bug, so we just need a little tech support and all will be fine.I would too seek a different job - I couldn't cope in a situation like yoursHey what were you saying about chicken and "mixed" - there's mixed feelings at the SA meeting?I will say, that if I had to choose between "youtubing" objectifying women and worse, or "SAmeeting" with women, I know what I would choose

This week's Torah reading it states "החיים והמות נתתי לפניך, ובחרת בחיים"

I wish you a Shana Tova

לחיים טובים ולשלום

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Last Edit: 29 Sep 2016 13:24 by Markz. Reason: Ⓜ️

Re: Singularity's Journey 29 Sep 2016 16:16 #295749

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Let me start by saying both of my parents are Baal teshuva 
I can really empathize with your loneliness in the community
when my father moved us from a small  Jewish community with alot of BT to one of the big heimishe ones it was a big mistake 
It took us kids YEARS to "fit in" and he still doesn't .he belongs in a community where he can watch a ballgame or talk about sports and yes sometimes reminisce about his youth with other guys that had the same upbringing but he doesn't and now that he's older he's getting very depressed.please for your own sake and for the sake of your kids and yes for the sake of beating your addiction explore the possibilities of moving to a community with alot of BT's .you will feel that you belong you will enjoy going to shul to learn etc.etc. wich in turn will eliminate alot of empty time (and we both know what spare time alone does to us )
I might not be the first to suggest this but maybe hearing it from the 2nd generation will give you that push to go live somewhere else 

Re: Singularity's Journey 05 Oct 2016 11:39 #295869

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Thanks Meier, that's very enlightening.

Markz: Yeah it's such a simple decision when you put it like that. This monday PG I'll be there. And will report back about it. Don't know if another job is viable right now, but I am working on some other projects... will see.

Okay. 13 Days and going good BH. Rosh Hashona was nice. Hope everyone else enjoyed it too.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 08:20 #296136

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Day 18!

Good news everyone. 
Well I've had a pretty rough last 2 weeks. In terms of shmiras eynayim but mostly personal motivation, self esteem, getting up for minyonim, learning etc.
But one thing I can put on my mizbeach and makriv to Hashem is such, that yesterday I was going to be at my in-laws working while my wife and her mother and the kids went out shopping. They have a computer completely unprotected, and with my last ounce of strength I swallowed my pride and told my wife and her mother they need to password protect the PC.
And when they left, the urge was so enormous that I didn't even feel myself walking towards the computer, but when I got there, I had to enter a password! Think about all that Gehinnom I was just saved from! That's my personal Korban for AYT. I hope it's enough to pass ^.^

PG going to SAA meeting today.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 10:05 #296138

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I'm a fan of SAA. I don't really agree with the SA sobriety definition and SAA allows you to set your own button lines. Also I have found the fellowship to be more open.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 10:37 #296139

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Is there a me'akev difference between SA and SAA? I'm going to SAA because it's on the way home from work at a convenient time as opposed to SA, which is on the other side of town in a church at a really bad time.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 12:59 #296150

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Great going brother!!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!
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Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 13:59 #296152

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Singularity wrote on 10 Oct 2016 10:37:
Is there a me'akev difference between SA and SAA? I'm going to SAA because it's on the way home from work at a convenient time as opposed to SA, which is on the other side of town in a church at a really bad time.

I would love to talk to you about this. My number is in my signature. You can call me anonymously if you want. The similarities are much more than the differences. However, SA is easier for the newcomer because in SAA you have to define your bottom lines. Although I do think there's value in that. SA is more direct about their program than SAA. 
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 14:29 #296159

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Thanks so much. google voice? does that cost like a phone call? Coz' I can't really do that. Maybe we can VOIP sometime. I will go tonight and let y'all know what I think.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Oct 2016 23:23 #296192

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It's a call forwarding software. So myself phone will ring but I don't give away a private number. Call me whenever, I check my messages and I'm pretty good at getting back to people.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Singularity's Journey 11 Oct 2016 04:45 #296209

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Went to my first meeting last night. So interesting. It was comforting to see another frum yid there. Whom I've seen from around as well. He was very helpful and insightful. It's just a good environment, people from all walks of life just wanting to beat this thing. It was very sobering. We're in it together. PG I'll keep going. Well after a three week hiatus due to monday night yomtovs haha. But I can't wait to go back. I feel like after so long I'm finally doing something to fight it. Anyway Gmar Chasima Tovah to all, brocha v'hatzlocha.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Oct 2016 11:07 #296810

  • Singularity
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Hi guys.

BH over 30 days. With a slight slip, viewing an inappropriate image on erev Shabbos Sukkos. My phone is blocked but I had an urge and my wife's phone was charging nearby. I did a google plus search, but stopped and decided to push for the early mincha. 
I believe I should install a filter on her phone as well. But BH nothing resulted from it. However I do feel sluggish. My expectations of Yamim Tovim are being challenged now that I have some kids BH. Can't just do whatever you want anymore, it becomes more about the children. But I always have personal bias and selfishness. Working on it BH. 
So I've taken active steps in integrating into a shiur, a community, and a good foundation and SUSTAINABILITY in my learning structure. That's mostly what I'm looking for. Going full steam and burning out leaves me much more open to take in shtus. And I don't want that to happen.
Going to the meeting this coming monday. I have to take down the Yetzer Hora on so many fronts!
So my goals for this year are:
  1. Becoming closer with my family, no excuses
  2. Integrating into community / shiur
  3. Lose weight, eat healthily, get back into running
  4. connect with SAA and develop a support group.

B'Hatzlocha all!

    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Oct 2016 22:17 #296835

    • Shlomo24
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    You sound like a man with a plan.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Oct 2016 03:37 #296865

    • Moudmack
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    Great to see your progress and hearing your story. Behatslaha Rabba keep it up and put filters everywhere!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Oct 2016 08:06 #296889

    • Shlomo24
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    Moudmack wrote on 27 Oct 2016 03:37:
    Great to see your progress and hearing your story. Behatslaha Rabba keep it up and put filters everywhere!

    Hmmm, filters everywhere? That doesn't sound practical. What about the attractive woman on the street? What about his wife? What about emotional triggers? Don't think you can filter that. I do applaud him on joining a program of spirituality. KUTGW.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Oct 2016 11:07 #296894

    • Singularity
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    why not?
    :pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Oct 2016 13:58 #296915

    • Shlomo24
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    Singularity wrote on 27 Oct 2016 11:07:
    why not?
    :pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

    That was excellent. I loved that. Raised karma for you.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Oct 2016 14:32 #296920

    • Singularity
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    Thank you kind sir. It makes me a much karma person.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Oct 2016 09:10 #296966

    • Singularity
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    Hi guys

    Day 35? Good BH. I like big numbers.

    The last three days have been wonderful. I've been maintaining a good schedule. The shul I go to, they auction off Hakofas on Simchas Torah for hours of learning. Last year I bid an insane amount, 323 hours, for Sh'vi'i of the day. You get until the end of Chanukah to finish it. It amounted to 70 days. Do the math and that's an average of over four hours a day. Now consider one kid, a pregnant (and VERY supportive) wife and an 8-hour-a-day job. My wife would take care of our daughter at night so I could get some sleep and wake up at 3:30 to get in about 4 hours of learning before work. It really transformed me. I felt I was really mekayeim the pasuk kol hayom hi sichasi. Think Torah, live Torah, breathe Torah. I learned thoroughly the gemora Niddah and large chunks of Tur Shulchan Aruch on the topics. I wrote a fantastic summary of siman 186 in Yoreh Deah. We even went on holiday in between. I would get up early, do Shacharis on the roof overlooking the sea and SHTEIG! on the beach! (without my far-seeing glasses on )
    On the last day (Zois Chanukah), I remember the last hour, typing out a gevaldiked'var Torah about Yosef's Malchus vs. Yehuda's Malchus according to Rav Shimshon Pincus. And after that I was drained, emotionally, spiritually. I wanted to rest. To wake up later than 3:30 AM for once! So as you can figure out, it was unsustainable (obviously). 
    This year I vouched for a little over 2 hours a day, which is very attainable, given I am now in a shiur for an hour and I have a chavrusa for an hour and give a Dirshu shiur for about ten minutes a day. And I feel good and motivated and the commitment keeps me coming to the shiruim and the chavrusas which is really building up goal 2 of the year: integration into society. and WHAT a shiur! It's an amud yomi shiur, given by a wonderful rav who has Smicha from Rav Moshe Feinstein. For the first time in my life I was in awe, as I sat in the shiur watching him talk, I was thinking, I am hearing the Torah of r' Moshe Feinstein. I feel connected. To chachamim, z'keinim and ultimately to Sinai and Hashem. I only wish to build on this.

    A sobering disclaimer, though, is that post-Sukkos has always been a high period for me. I feel that this tremendous yoke has been lifted and now I can "do my own thing" in my yiddishkeit. Funny that. The yomim noraim I feel is like a giant checklist: slichos long davening shofar tashlich slichos kaparos slichos fasting building buying leaves making sure they don't dry out buying more leaves replacing dried out leaves yomtovs eating sleeping eating shlepping lulav making sure there are no sudden movements that will clip off the tips moving out your house sleeping in the mud crazily moving back in due to rain moving back out cooking cleaning aravos all night learning quasi sukkah meals hakafos and dancing dancing dancing (community breakfast).
    and Now I can breathe, go to a normal Shacharis at a normal time and have more time to learn .
    Thought this holiday was different, I felt. I took Sukkos a lot more seriously. I was mevater most of my learning time knowing it was Ratzon Hashem to shlep build cook eat. and It's just my ego getting in the way. Whenever I remember my first frum Simchas Torah, I want to kick myself in the teeth. The conversation went something like this:

    A friend and I were looking for a place desperately to learn. In some Batei Midrash, people were dancing, others, Rosh Yeshiva's families had moved over for the Chag and beds were everywhere.
    Me: This is ridiculous.
    Friend: Yeah. There isn't a single place to learn in peace and quiet!
    Me: Right? It's not fair! All they're doing is dancing. We actually want to LEARN the Torah!

    What Chutzpah! I now want to tell myself, Rashah! Where was this burning desire when you slept late every day of Zman!? Now you think you're so righteous because you wish to learn!? Go put on a dunce cap, dance and thank Hashem for this enormous gift!!!

    So BH I've changed. And all in 5 short years.
    And the 2 hours a day is SUSTAINABLE! And I've been reading up on lots of material on GYE in my downtime at work, stories from "you and Eye", and other people's journeys. Maybe I can't be so outgoing in real life but on the forum, it's good practice in the middah to really feel for others and post meaningfully and not just say "WOW, good work"!

    so the sobering disclaimer ha'na"l is that BH these last three days have been great and I feel very motivated for learning, and lots of purpose, HOWEVER I need to keep in the back of my mind that I can't sit on my laurels for too long, this is normal, usual and doesn't feel like a test. The strain will be in the dying weeks of marCheshvan, Kislev. This is just building up ammo, cannon fodder to fight the bigger fight. It's the proving grounds. I must be aware of that.

    So here I am at 35 days. Let me compound it to my negative side (365) and make it 35 years. May we all be Matzliach
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Last Edit: 28 Oct 2016 09:17 by Singularity. Reason: forgot the sobering disclaimer

    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Oct 2016 14:37 #296972

    • cordnoy
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    Great stuff.
     keepI it up.
     you forgot your address and phone number.

    So why do we dance, drink and use our body to celebrate the spiritual learning of the Torah? Let us learn all day!?
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


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    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Nov 2016 08:47 #297934

    • Singularity
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    BH over day 50. A slip here and there, but not a fall. a BIG slip on sunday night, wife was asleep, I had unblocked youtube due to a filter fault.... But Thank G-d I turned off in time. Then tuesday morning I had a maps app on my phone unblocked because I needed directions to somewhere and stupidly didn't block it again. And you look up places and they have photos of and about the place so it's dangerous for me. Because of the thrill of "what can you find"....
    But I went through all of it and came out clinging to a lifeline and am still clean. But it takes a toll on my frustration levels. I am going to ask a rav tonight if it is at all a good idea to tell my wife about my addiction, (maybe not disclose how many times I fall) but tell her why (10+ years of constant porn bombardment) and how some days it takes all my energy just to stop it. And that this explains why I'm upset for no reason and I love her... but I'm scared. I almost told last night but the baby woke up screaming and we were both awfully tired.
    But it's nearing a possibility. And I'm scared to death, but I feel it would be for the good. But I need a da'as Torah which is what I'll try get tonight.

    Hatzlocha all

    PS cordnoy, well we dance because we are SUPPOSED to have been learning the rest of the year and full of emotion for how beautiful a life it is. (but my Yeshiva self slept through the year :D :D)
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Nov 2016 13:27 #297948

    • Shlomo24
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    I have zero experience with disclosing to wives, however, I know many who got messed over. Please do research to make sure the Rav is qualified. I cannot stress this enough. So many people have gotten burned by well-meaning, and even respected, but incompetent therapists/rabbis. Ultimately what caused me to drift from my Rebbi was that I realized he's incapable of understanding my situation and I wasn't helping myself. There are some Rebbeim that are notoriously good with this subject, Rav Elefant from Mir is a name that first comes to mind.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 22 Nov 2016 07:22 #298287

    • Singularity
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    When they bring rav Elefant to South Africa again, I'll try shmooze him up. 
    So I fell. Gosh. But I had 60 days clean and I went to an SAA meeting later that day. It's amazing how much support I got. It really helped to get me back on my feet. Usually I fall into a deep depression and wake up late, neglect my health etc. This time the very next morning I was up at 4:00 AM for a long run and then a good 2 hours 20 minutes of learning before work. And I feel energetic and revitalised, ready to step back into the ring and surrender myself even more this time to Hashem's will. PG This will hit 90. But ODAAT.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Nov 2016 15:12 #298713

    • Singularity
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    Day 7 and going strong BH. I got really sick thursday night and we spent a pleasant shabbos at home the whole time. As my wife is also sick (pregnant BH) and can't stand the thought of cooking meat, we were conflicted in buying a pre-made barbequed chicken for Shabbos lunch or gourmet sushi. And well, we chose the sushi and were extremely delighted on our choice!
    Being sick is weird. I feel so conflicted with Hashem. I want to learn, work and exercise and I'm reduced to doing nothing. I guess the avodah is the same as step 2. Surrendering. Not thinking I can do it all by myself. and that God has a greater plan for me. Doesn't even need my input. But it's hard. Because the world carries on and demands you're never sick. Ugh. Oh well. BH I'm working on it. Let's keep it up, y'all. Day 7.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 02 Dec 2016 08:09 #298991

    • Singularity
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    So I fell. Not in my astute definition of a fall (I did not masturbate) but I did intentionally look for and view schmutz. and bad stuff. Unbridled stuff. And I don't want to find loopholes to keep my streak going; I actually just want to be honest with myself. I am NOT sober if I am wasting my time and browsing sites under false pretences.

    So I want to start honestly.
    And I was sick this week and I realise more and more what it means that this addiction is a disease and how not to beat myself up about it.
    For example, last night I made my laptop a wifi hotspot so I could use our mobile internet on my wife's unprotected phone and not deplete her airtime or data. But at a point my laptop lost battery and in the time of recharging it and setting it up again, the phone reverted to data usage mode and before I knew it my wife's airtime and data were both depleted completely. so to "cover my tracks" i had to replenish the data / airtime. And what a waste of money. Like, my gosh it was so unnecessary. And I was beating myself down. I was almost like "Well now I'm gonna get my money's worth!!!" as I pursued further to fulfil my desire. Thank G-d the baby woke up and my wife walked out and we actually had a pleasant night. But I was beating myself up. Look how deranged I am! And look how much it's costing me!
    But then I realised, we call it a disease. Let's look at the comparisons. We spend hours wasting time trying to get a fix. A disease, you spend hours of wasted time in bed, not doing anything. I just wasted money for no reason. A disease, you lose income and you have all these unexpected expenses. And just like a disease you don't feel guilty for being sick, for having to spend money to get better (well I think I do, it's a problem of mine of low self worth), so too with addiction, I need to look at it in this perspective. I can't beat myself up. I'm sick. And I need to sort that out, foremost. 
    Now I know paying to get a fix isn't quite the same as paying to cure yourself, but the loss of income is the Tzad ha'Shaveh, really, and it's involved in the disease. You don't beat yourself up by investing money in a possible solution that actually doesn't work. It's part of the process. 

    So now I have two things: set up a TAPHSIC fence that really speaks to me, put covenanteyes on my wife's phone and PRAY and SURRENDER to God that I can't withstand these tests, I pray for no tests to pass my way.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 02 Dec 2016 13:31 #298995

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote on 11 Oct 2016 04:45:
    Went to my first meeting last night. So interesting. It was comforting to see another frum yid there. Whom I've seen from around as well. He was very helpful and insightful. It's just a good environment, people from all walks of life just wanting to beat this thing. It was very sobering. We're in it together. PG I'll keep going. Well after a three week hiatus due to monday night yomtovs haha. But I can't wait to go back. I feel like after so long I'm finally doing something to fight it. Anyway Gmar Chasima Tovah to all, brocha v'hatzlocha.

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 05 Dec 2016 13:39 #299134

    • Singularity
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    Markz wrote on 02 Dec 2016 13:31:

    Singularity wrote on 11 Oct 2016 04:45:
    Went to my first meeting last night. So interesting. It was comforting to see another frum yid there. Whom I've seen from around as well. He was very helpful and insightful. It's just a good environment, people from all walks of life just wanting to beat this thing. It was very sobering. We're in it together. PG I'll keep going. Well after a three week hiatus due to monday night yomtovs haha. But I can't wait to go back. I feel like after so long I'm finally doing something to fight it. Anyway Gmar Chasima Tovah to all, brocha v'hatzlocha.

    How the meetings going

    Great. We're really turning into a warm, helpful collective. Tonight we're starting from Step 1 again and I'm going to try and follow the steps as daily meditations. Really work through it. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 05 Dec 2016 17:17 #299159

    • Shlomo24
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    So why make a taphshic?
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Dec 2016 12:15 #299220

    • Singularity
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 05 Dec 2016 17:17:
    So why make a taphshic?

    Why not?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Dec 2016 14:20 #299231

    • Shlomo24
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    I know for me the only thing that can keep me sober is God. Not a knas, not a taphshic, not nothing.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Dec 2016 15:42 #299245

    • YidFromMonsey
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 06 Dec 2016 14:20:
    I know for me the only thing that can keep me sober is God. Not a knas, not a taphshic, not nothing.

    You took these words out of my mouth , I'm in the same spot, nothing and I mean nothing (yes, I've tried almost all of em) works for me, only option is to give it over, no way a powerless sexaholic like me can do anything.
    You're better than yesterday but not as good as you're gonna be tomorrow. - Harvey

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Dec 2016 15:48 #299247

    • Shlomo24
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    Although I want to amend my words. In the Big Book it says "probably" no human power could have relieved us of our condition. I'm 100% sure that statement is true. Theoretically, can a human save me? I honestly don't know, although it hasn't worked at all in the past. No matter who that human was.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Dec 2016 09:02 #299320

    • Singularity
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    I agree that only Hashem can truly keep me sober. But He gives us tools, too.
    • He endowed a clumsy alcoholic with Ruach haKodesh to start the 12-step initiative.
    • He included Nedarim as a mechanism in Torah fabric to bolster heavier safeguards.

    It goes back to that story about the guy in the flood and the boat comes and the helicopter comes and he refuses them, saying God will save him. But what does it actually mean that God will save you? It's an attitude. You can't just do nothing. You have to gauge what will be effective. But the attitude must persist. It's not "the SAA Meetings helped me". It's "God graced me with the right tools of recovery".

    And to really internalise it.
    It says (I'm ad-libbing) v'amarta bil'vav'cha: KOCHI v'OTZEM YADI ASU LI ES Ha'CHAYIL Ha'ZEH!
    My strength and the product of my hand did it all. I did it all. I am made.
    But be meda'yek: it says v'amarta bil'vav'cha. In your heart. Why? Because on the surface you rattle off a thousand "Baruch Hashem"s! Celebrities who go up to receive the oscar. They first thank God. But that's a formality. They're thanking themselves.
    You sing the tune of B'ezras Hashem, Bli Ayin Hora, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, but what do you THINK? What melody plays in your heart? "I'VE GOT THIS! I'VE GOT IT SORTED!"
    More important what tune your heart of hearts sings to. This is the pshat of the pasuk. 


    Now I admit nedarim didn't work for me in the past. I even had to be matir one once, in front of my Rov. But something resonates within me when I did the taphsic. It's not the fear of punishment. It's the resolve that I can lessen the punishment if I follow predetermined healthy behaviours before I act out. My taphsic is such: If I just act out, then I am forbidden to eat sushi for 5 years. Now for me, this is murder, because sushi is my favourite food. My mouth waters. I regale audiences with passionate stories of escapades with the beloved dish. 5 years is akin to divorce. Kareis. I CAN'T! But I also stipulated that the 5 years would reduce to 1 year if at any point I made it for 90 days. 
    BUT - if I follow these three activities:
    • Phone my wife and shmuze.
    • Phone a friend from 12-step meetings
    • Learn a the daily daf Halocha

    and THEN act out, all I have to do is clean the house, scrub the toilets, do the dishes etc (now in South Africa we have slaves who do this for us so it's a chiddush) (joking they're not slaves. But the rest of the world thinks so still)
    It's a tool Hashem has given us. And GYE speaks highly of it. And it is a safeguard if a filter breaks for some reason. I'm trying it. And I put my faith in Hashem it works. Or at least is a working component in the larger framework of hishtadlus.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Dec 2016 14:25 #299333

    • Workingguy
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    Singularity wrote on 07 Dec 2016 09:02:
    I agree that only Hashem can truly keep me sober. But He gives us tools, too.
    • He endowed a clumsy alcoholic with Ruach haKodesh to start the 12-step initiative.
    • He included Nedarim as a mechanism in Torah fabric to bolster heavier safeguards.

    It goes back to that story about the guy in the flood and the boat comes and the helicopter comes and he refuses them, saying God will save him. But what does it actually mean that God will save you? It's an attitude. You can't just do nothing. You have to gauge what will be effective. But the attitude must persist. It's not "the SAA Meetings helped me". It's "God graced me with the right tools of recovery".

    And to really internalise it.
    It says (I'm ad-libbing) v'amarta bil'vav'cha: KOCHI v'OTZEM YADI ASU LI ES Ha'CHAYIL Ha'ZEH!
    My strength and the product of my hand did it all. I did it all. I am made.
    But be meda'yek: it says v'amarta bil'vav'cha. In your heart. Why? Because on the surface you rattle off a thousand "Baruch Hashem"s! Celebrities who go up to receive the oscar. They first thank God. But that's a formality. They're thanking themselves.
    You sing the tune of B'ezras Hashem, Bli Ayin Hora, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, but what do you THINK? What melody plays in your heart? "I'VE GOT THIS! I'VE GOT IT SORTED!"
    More important what tune your heart of hearts sings to. This is the pshat of the pasuk. 


    Now I admit nedarim didn't work for me in the past. I even had to be matir one once, in front of my Rov. But something resonates within me when I did the taphsic. It's not the fear of punishment. It's the resolve that I can lessen the punishment if I follow predetermined healthy behaviours before I act out. My taphsic is such: If I just act out, then I am forbidden to eat sushi for 5 years. Now for me, this is murder, because sushi is my favourite food. My mouth waters. I regale audiences with passionate stories of escapades with the beloved dish. 5 years is akin to divorce. Kareis. I CAN'T! But I also stipulated that the 5 years would reduce to 1 year if at any point I made it for 90 days. 
    BUT - if I follow these three activities:
    • Phone my wife and shmuze.
    • Phone a friend from 12-step meetings
    • Learn a the daily daf Halocha

    and THEN act out, all I have to do is clean the house, scrub the toilets, do the dishes etc (now in South Africa we have slaves who do this for us so it's a chiddush) (joking they're not slaves. But the rest of the world thinks so still)
    It's a tool Hashem has given us. And GYE speaks highly of it. And it is a safeguard if a filter breaks for some reason. I'm trying it. And I put my faith in Hashem it works. Or at least is a working component in the larger framework of hishtadlus.


    Ok, time out- are you serious? You really wouldn't eat sushi for s year or five years based on your neder? You are insanely amazing!!!

    You've just shown me that my commitment to not acting out- which I currently don't and think I've been working hard- is a JOKE. Would I give up sushi for five years, or one? I don't think so.

    You really have or things in real perspective. And I'm sure that if we don't do everything we can, no sushi after 120 either!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Dec 2016 16:09 #299343

    • Shlomo24
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    Ok. Hopefully it works out for you. Hatzlacha.

    Workingguy: Sarcasm is a terrible form of communication. It's belittling to the recipient and shuts off healthy conversation.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Dec 2016 16:46 #299350

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    Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:09:
    Ok. Hopefully it works out for you. Hatzlacha.

    Workingguy: Sarcasm is a terrible form of communication. It's belittling to the recipient and shuts off healthy conversation.


    Shlomo,

    I agree completely. And wasn't being sarcastic at all. I am actually completely blown away that someone would be that serious about his neder and then not try to worm out of it afterwards.

    What made you think I was being sarcastic?
    Last Edit: 07 Dec 2016 16:47 by Workingguy. Reason: Typo

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Dec 2016 07:13 #299442

    • Singularity
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    Workingguy wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:46:

    Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:09:
    Ok. Hopefully it works out for you. Hatzlacha.

    Workingguy: Sarcasm is a terrible form of communication. It's belittling to the recipient and shuts off healthy conversation.


    Shlomo,

    I agree completely. And wasn't being sarcastic at all. I am actually completely blown away that someone would be that serious about his neder and then not try to worm out of it afterwards.

    What made you think I was being sarcastic?

    Probably your facial expression as you typed the post

    I didn't see it as sarcastic at all. But don't herald me YET! --- Haha maybe if you see my streak at 180 then we can talk. Right now I'm just a klutz toying with very dangerous weapons.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Dec 2016 09:29 #299528

    • Singularity
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    And now for a very special (episode) post

    Yesterday was as good a day as any. Despite the fact that I felt a supreme high and crashed to an unprecedented low.

    BUT WAIT --- My streak still ticks on. So what's pshat? Am I cheating on my 90 days!?? Read on....

    Firstly, I submitted my fiction novel for publishing. An amalgamation of 7 years of thought and building these characters. I love them. And I am so happy I finally finished writing a novel. BH I hope it will become super successful and then I can get my wife a house :D

    Between mincha/maariv we said tehillim for some people in a car crash, R"l. No idea who, what, where? 

    Then we had a Shevra Brachos in the evening. My mother in law babysat, YAY Thank you!! And my wife and I went. Now previously I said it was hard for us to break into community, but last night was wonderful. My wife and I spoke to new people; I really jived with this guy, both of us chareidi but both with knowledge of all secular stuff. It was refreshing. We laughed and stuff. And spoke with other guys, too. It was just such a great night. I was actually enjoying stuff. And I thought to myself, like, what? No gut-wrenching desire to steal home and flick open the laptop? No eyes darting constantly to the ladies' section!? What was this?

    Now we got home, and lo and behold the kids were still SLEEPING! (Aah, and now we're home, you know what that means...)
    As we try and go to sleep, our oldest, bless her, comes to our room, crying, so we all share the bed. Then the youngest starts crying and the oldest is still awake. and the night before was also a tiring awake night and tonight looked similar. And we were both groggy. Then finally at around 2 AM both babies were asleep and safely deposited in their room. My wife came to lie down and we drifted off to sleep.

    "Oh gosh, love...?" Her eyes widened apprehensively.
    "What is it?" I asked, slowly peeling away the fatigue, sensing the alarm.
    "What's the first name of the father of this family..." she told me the surname. A family I know from a shul whose Rabbi I practically lived at and whose community's children I would entertain on Shabbos with youth programmes for a good year and a bit.
    I said, proudly, the first name, as I am not so good at remembering names.
    "Oh... oh gosh..." she shot up in a panic.
    "What? What's wrong?" I pleaded, as she frantically swiped her phone.
    "They... they were in a car crash...."
    It clicked, now. Those tehillim. "...What?" My heart raced. Sweat trickled.
    "The father's okay... the mother's apparently critical but safe... but one of the children... she died...."
    I sat up. Whitened like a ghost. Trying to digest what was actually happening. I know her! I can see her face.... Not even Bas Mitzvah yet....
    And the world went all wishy washy. Our oldest walked into our room and joined us. To watch her father sobbing in his wife's arms. Bitter tears. Hinei, Lo Yanum, v'Lo Yishan, Shomer Yisrael. What was this, then? Kaporah? Was there going to be another holocaust?
    My chavrusa's married to the older sister. They just got to Israel for a month's holiday.
    It's all just a mess. The babies continued to cry through the night. We collectively got like 2 hours' sleep.
    I got up and wailed through Birkas haTorah. I went to my other morning chavrusa and we learned in her memory. Tears flowed throughout Shomeh Esrei. Sporadic. But there. It just doesn't sound fair.

    But why am I saying this? So you can all cry with me?
    Because this is the thrill of living life outside the lust bubble. I could taste it. For good AND for bad. I could actually cry! for something real!!! Beforehand, it would just be the last episode of Friends that got to me.... Now I'm living a REAL life. It's SO much more addictive than all the schmutz. And even if I just managed to peep my head above the torrent for a little bit, that resounding air of reality, actual growth, actual feeling... worth every second. And well, it couldn't have been made possible without GYE, 12 steps, community. Let's keep climbing on each other's shoulders. We'll all make it.

    Please daven for the Refuah Shleima of 
    Rus bas Sarah Imeinu

    And try dedicate the next decision not to act out, l'ilui nishmas this pure soul... 
    Avigail bas Rus... don't know the father's hebrew name sorry.... See above about that about me....
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 14 Dec 2016 08:43 #299888

    • Singularity
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    Just Checking in.

    BH No issues. But PG Just help me through today. Women wearing more and more of nothing the deeper into summer it gets.

    Working on a new novel! This time a fantasy of sorts. I like to keep my mind preoccupied.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 14 Dec 2016 15:30 #299924

    • stillgoing
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    Singul, great thread so far (i still have three more pages to catch up on )
    , there's a lot to comment on, but i just wanted to ask what ever happened with the job? You wrote in september that it was a three month trial period, that would end about now..
    BIG SHOT!
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    FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards)

    Re: Singularity's Journey 14 Dec 2016 22:14 #299947

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 14 Dec 2016 08:43:
    Just Checking in.

    BH No issues. But PG Just help me through today. Women wearing more and more of nothing the deeper into summer it gets.

    Working on a new novel! This time a fantasy of sorts. I like to keep my mind preoccupied.

    That is precisely what my mind should not be preoccupied with!
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 15 Dec 2016 09:02 #299986

    • Singularity
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    cordnoy wrote on 14 Dec 2016 22:14:

    Singularity wrote on 14 Dec 2016 08:43:
    Just Checking in.

    BH No issues. But PG Just help me through today. Women wearing more and more of nothing the deeper into summer it gets.

    Working on a new novel! This time a fantasy of sorts. I like to keep my mind preoccupied.

    That is precisely what my mind should not be preoccupied with!

    Don't worry, It's Lord of the Rings-esque. Not 50 Shades of ... umm.....

    Thanks StillGoing... 

    Oh yeah. The Job.

    Here's the dealio:

    I work on a system. It was going well. But it's on something called ZOHO. The rest of the company is on Salesforce. I don't know Salesforce as much as zoho. So they hired big guys to redevelop it on Salesforce. Four months in, the big guys give up because the system is too complicated. We're still on Zoho. They're getting some more big guys to redevelop it in Salesforce. My system wins. BH. Lol. Oh and the 3-month contract was renewed for another 3-month contract. So I crunch on.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 15 Dec 2016 19:33 #300034

    • cordnoy
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    Where's the post with the snake?

    II started reading this morning.

    Was very busy.

    Every break I continued.

    Even scrolled down once to see if it wouldI ever end and I realized I was less thanI halfway thru the damn story.

    Finally got to the end.

    And then a pun!?

    I posted there, but it signed me out. Apparently, there is a six hour rule limit on one post.

    God almighty! You are one sick dude!
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 19 Dec 2016 09:37 #300320

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    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 19 Dec 2016 09:47 #300321

    • Singularity
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    Day 18! BH

    One Day at a Time! 
    I've organised to run a fantastic route on monday 26 december. And I've been building up since. Felt strong, fit, clean, it's all really wonderful. 3 weeks! Oh yeah!!!

    And I've realised that I've been much less controlling of my wife, like expecting her to give whenever I need it (which she does, because she's a tzadekes), but being calmer, more understanding if the moment passes, and definitely stopping myself delusionally thinking that if I don't get some, I will die.

    And it's really been showing.
    I have to give it to the Taphsic I made. It helps a lot. In conjunction with 12 step meetings, learning to let go of things and working on Emunah. I will try to stay calm in all situations and try appreciate my family more and more.

    Friday night will be a big challenge. We're having a Shabbos supper for my sister-in-law and she's getting married again. The thing is, my wife and I are the only frum people that will be there. Everyone else will be fry, I won't know the level of sensitivity towards the kedusha of Shabbos and perhaps it will all go awry, and I have issues with such a situation. But it stems with my seeming sense of control. So I will practice:
    • It's not MY Shabbos... it's HASHEM'S Shabbos. I must try my best to keep it for Him, NOT to scoff people for not keeping it for ME. Hashem's in charge of them! And I should just smile and SURRENDER! (Even if in the chaos, my kids like, use their cellphones and stuff, if I have tried my best, then the rest is up to Hashem. Kids are 2 years and 1 year respectively, so it's not a Chinnuch issue just yet...)
    • It's not MY event, it's THEIR event, a special time in their lives and this is a way to unite the family. I'm just at a "hotel" keeping "my" shabbos, why would I worry about others?

    I identify the struggle. I'm not reb Aryeh Levin (Yet---!)

    Besides that, all's good! Looking forward to some relaxation from work next week. Keep myself busy with wedding preparations and exercise and stuff. Learning. Chavrusa's very good. Integration? Working on it. Not sure where to go from here....
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 19 Dec 2016 18:05 #300385

    • Markz
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    Hope you win the 90... race

    Well be cheering for you!!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 19 Dec 2016 18:18 #300387

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    That Shabbes idea is a Strong one! 
    BE"H WE WILL ALL SUCCEED
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    טאטע! אפילו איך שפיר זיך ווייט פון דיר, אוי אוי אוי
    ווייס איך אז די ביסט נאנט צו מיר אזוי, אוי אוי אוי
    מיט ליבשאפט ווי אן איינציג קינד, פון בענקשאפט א טרערעלע רינט
    ואהבת עולם, אהבת עולם אהבתיך

    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Dec 2016 11:33 #300499

    • Singularity
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    Thanks guys.

    BH. All's good. I just like posting sometimes to up my post count so people will like me
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Dec 2016 14:01 #300518

    • YidFromMonsey
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    Singularity wrote on 20 Dec 2016 11:33:
    Thanks guys.

    BH. All's good. I just like posting sometimes to up my post count so people will like me


    ​Love your honesty 
    You're better than yesterday but not as good as you're gonna be tomorrow. - Harvey

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Dec 2016 14:01 #300519

    • Markz
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    We (at least me) like you because of what you write - whether 10 or 10000 posts - keep them coming

    Cos most other SA meeting participants don't have time for the forum

    KOP!!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Dec 2016 17:23 #300570

    • Shlomo24
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    Singularity wrote on 20 Dec 2016 11:33:
    Thanks guys.

    BH. All's good. I just like posting sometimes to up my post count so people will like me

    מתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה

    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Dec 2016 09:06 #300683

    • Singularity
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    Markz wrote on 20 Dec 2016 14:01:
    We (at least me) like you because of what you write - whether 10 or 10000 posts - keep them coming

    Cos most other SA meeting participants don't have time for the forum

    KOP!!

    Keep on Purchasing (monstah trucks)?


    (btw I know the true message (maybe)) 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Dec 2016 09:14 #300685

    • Singularity
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    A little lesson I learned.

    We have a little garden. Say hello:



    Looks a little unruly, right?
    Actually uninhabitable. Just sand and mud, really. And it's summer. The rainy season for us. UGH! Sukkos was a nightmare.
    And we had been back and forth with maintenance for 2 months, and nothing. So I called the CEO or something and told him we can do it, just will deduct off rent. He said go ahead. And a phone call or two and then a day later:



    The baby likes it
    And my wife is a different person. She is now happy to have friends over, be more social, and a lot less self-conscious.

    So the lesson:
    Don't ever delay that which your wife wants.
    I mean, we could have done this 7 weeks ago.
    I was absorbed in my own stuff.

    Also don't underestimate the koach of a garden!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Dec 2016 17:34 #300742

    • Shlomo24
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    Love it! That's the first time I've seen any personal pictures on GYE. I actually admire your fearlessness, I don't know if I would be able to do that. 

    CUTE!
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Dec 2016 19:09 #300749

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    QTπs! Lots of Nachas!
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Dec 2016 20:47 #300756

    Great job:clap: totally agree that one shouldn't delay things because we're absorbed in our own little bubble. great lesson/reminder!!
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 23 Dec 2016 04:51 #300950

    • Singularity
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    Thanks guys.

    Those could be random kids I picked up off the street for the purposes of this picture...

    My wife broke her foot! OY ! So if I am inactive, you all know why! mommy+daddy all in one !!!

    Daven for a refuah shleima... Talya Bas Leah
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 23 Dec 2016 04:59 #300951

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    I hope it wasn't because she tripped over the grass.

    Refua Sheleima. and Good Shabbos!
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 23 Dec 2016 12:59 #300973

    Refuah shliema

    i can relate to the situation my wife was sick a few months ago and man was it hell for me.
    but i didn't have time for any garbage !
    but then again when things settled a little bam HE was waiting for me with open arms
    be on guard HE loves it when we get worn down

    Have a healthy happy clean shabbos and afreilichen chanuka
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 23 Dec 2016 14:51 #300989

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 23 Dec 2016 04:51:
    Thanks guys.

    Those could be random kids I picked up off the street for the purposes of this picture...

    My wife broke her foot! OY ! So if I am inactive, you all know why! mommy+daddy all in one !!!

    Daven for a refuah shleima... Talya Bas Leah

    Refuah sheleimah.

    IsI talya bas leah a random name as well?
    No difference, God knows who we are prayin' for.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Dec 2016 15:22 #301276

    • Singularity
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    It's real! But who really knows hebrew names as well? How machmir anonymous do you wish to be?



    BH 26 clean days. ODAAT.

    I stuck to a goal of mine and ran a prestige 12km route around a golf course nearby. I wanted to do that for years but one menacing hill always gave me cold feet. But on the morning of the 26th, I gave myself cold feet and set off in the dark, cold and rain for a life-changing run. And I did it! Yay! I love living out of the lust bubble.



    And what did I use on my run to make it up that vertical incline?

    O     S      A      A      T

    ne    tep   t               ime



    !!



    Thanks GYE! Helping me in ruchniyus as well as Gashmiyus!!!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Dec 2016 15:28 #301279

    • Shlomo24
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    I appreciate your post, but if lust was just a ruchniyos issue for you, you sure as hell wouldn't be in 12-step meetings.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Dec 2016 17:24 #301295

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Dec 2016 15:28:
    I appreciate your post, but if lust was just a ruchniyos issue for you, you sure as hell wouldn't be in 12-step meetings.

    Addiction may be rooted in Gashmiyus, but dealing with it definitely improves Ruchniyus as well. 
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Dec 2016 01:20 #301333

    • cordnoy
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    The way we deal with addiction in the meetings and with the steps is b'davka with the spiritual.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Dec 2016 03:47 #301348

    • Shlomo24
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    My point was missed. I meant that lust isn't only a ruchniyos problem. I wasn't referring to the solution or anything.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Dec 2016 10:39 #301383

    • Spike Ed
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    Hey Singularity, been following your posts a bit and i see you all over, just wanna say hi and keep up your great work, nice that your as active as you are and hope to bup into you more on some other forums!
    3,2,1, Lets Jam.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Jan 2017 10:17 #301981

    • Singularity
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    Thanks spikey! Hope to catch you too, in the world of avatar or beboping around the galaxy.

    Shlomo, not quite catching you...

    what gashmiyus reasons for lusting? It feels good? I admit, everything has a dual component. Heck, maybe running could be more ruchniyusdik than learning Torah at some points in my life? Heretical? Don't know.

    Day 33! Yesterday we had a maggot infestation!! >.< It was one of the most disgusting jobs I had to do. Yuch. Flies are do disgusting.
    Just one little fly. to lay a few little eggs. And then, well, I hope you get the symbolism.

    I upgraded my monstah truck to a MONSTAH truck. See y'all on the sunny freeway.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Jan 2017 15:57 #302019

    • Shlomo24
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    What I meant is that if one's life is truly unmanageable than more than just his ruchniyos is affected. His gashmiyus is also affected.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Jan 2017 07:53 #302413

    • Singularity
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 03 Jan 2017 15:57:
    What I meant is that if one's life is truly unmanageable than more than just his ruchniyos is affected. His gashmiyus is also affected.

    For sure. I waste time. Money. I feel like a lethargic lump of spleen.

    But I still feel the root core of lusting is ruchnius whereas the root core of running is gashmius!

    Okay on to the thoughts of the day/week:

    So my wife's foot is getting better BH! And our boy just celebrated his first birthday! Today!!
    And I judge people less about not being frum. Which is good. Well more like I don't have the time to judge people because I'm trying more to worry about what they actually need. I heard once: other's gashmiyus is your ruchniyus. It rings true to me.
    Also I don't have the time to judge people because I'm running and actually feeling good about myself.
    Like a scene from Friends. Rachel has no date, and Chandler says to her "Well, I can ask guys at my office, how'd you like that?"
    She replies, "That would be wonderful, thanks! Hey-- why have you never suggested this before?"
    He replies, "Well, for once I have a girlfriend, I'm actually happy. So I no longer feel the need to prevent others from being happy."

    l'Havdil, but it's true.

    I'm happy in life. A beautiful wife. Two wonderful kids. A third on the way!
    I'm healthy, Hashem has given me the strength to run, and progress in it, to feel thin, able to fit into my clothes, to learn with vigour and daven with clarity. I know more who I am, what triggers me. 
    Just yesterday, after paying the tax authority a lump sum of undeclared income tax, I was hit with another lump sum I needed to pay. I was perturbed but kept in mind, I cannot do anything about it now; I must phone them tomorrow. And continued to have an absolutely pleasant night.
    So the dealio is that even though I have been donating to my yeshivah, they are not affiliated with the tax-exempt status of the broader organisation under which these institutions run and I can't get a tax certificate. And I was told that after all the donations. And now the tax authorities have denied my donation and demand tax for the amount. And that would proper wipe out our savings. And it's stressful.
    But for the first time Iwas the one to tell my wife "Well, I feel fine, please don't freak out!"
    Because What's there to freak out about? Just gotta ask Hashem. But this is the third step, no? What an opportune time for this event to happen, because our SAA fellowship is on the third step this week. And I gotta be cool about it. It's not my money. 
    Putting in histadlus, for sure. Going to dispute it. But I can't let it ruin me. Recovery has taught me how to deal with life. I'm not an expert and these are small border skirmishes, yes, but they will give me the mindset and ability to deal with real stuff when circumstance takes on my more established fortresses in the heart of the homeland of my world.
    BH Keep on trucking, or horse-wagoning, if you live in medieval war times, and may all our recoveries be profound and insightful.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Jan 2017 08:18 #302414

    • Shlomo24
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    Beautiful. Suggestion? I'm good at dealing with the big stuff when it happens, such as the loss of savings. I can talk the talk. But fear always seems to creep in afterwards. I would suggest you allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. It may not seem so now, but my experience is that once the initial adrenaline is over I actually begin to feel all the crappy things I didn't want to feel.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Jan 2017 09:03 #302419

    • Singularity
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    Thanks. I'll keep it in mind. I'll watch out for danger signs. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Jan 2017 14:50 #302444

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Sing, just when I was getting used to the scary Anime guy you changed it again! 

    But I get it, that thing on the squash racket is a Black Hole!

    Glad your wife is feeling better, and Happy Birthday to Qtπ
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 15 Jan 2017 20:48 #303166

    Hey singularity why did you switch back your avatar??
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 02:40 #303187

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 15 Jan 2017 20:48:
    Hey singularity why did you switch back your avatar??

    Because he didn't like my Pshat?
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 06:28 #303215

    • thanks613
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    Singularity wrote on 06 Jan 2017 07:53:

    I feel like a lethargic lump of spleen.


    Great line!

    I liked the rest of the post too..
    Last Edit: 16 Jan 2017 06:29 by thanks613.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 07:09 #303228

    • Singularity
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    For me, it's a squash racket. Check group 196 for a deeper Pshat.

    But it's contingent on when you've hard refreshed the site last. Try Shift+F5 and you'll get my favourite sport.

    Or maybe my avatar is like a mood ring. Right now I just feel sporty.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 07:49 #303230

    • Singularity
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    I'm just checking in.

    I want to post something long and deep, but really, things have been going so well, I don't have much deep or long to report on. BH! Keep it Simple, I guess.

    On Friday, I just decided to "pull off" an 11k run. BH! I have worked myself to the point of healthy fitness! It works wonders for my confidence.
    Friday afternoon, I had a fallout with my father. Long history. Messy, dreadful. He cheated on my mother and practically abandoned us kids emotionally and physically when I was in my formative years. Around Grade 1 to grade 8-9. On and off. 
    When there's a point where my mother and father might meet, I close off. So on a Friday, my dad comes and hangs out with the kids and stuff for a bit. Then he leaves and my mom comes. So this time my mom came a little earlier. So I my dad knew to leave, but cursed my mother in the interim, and I screamed , "DAD!", and my wife tried to calm me down.
    So I kicked a cupboard and the hinge broke. I stormed into our bedroom and slammed the door shut, threw a duvet and lay down, trying to calm myself down.

    And trust me, that's an improvement! I'm actually proud that I didn't scream back worse things. And I defused myself a lot quicker than I usually would. 

    And my wife saw my parents exchange words. And she came into the room and told me she was so proud that I actually turned out normaldespite growing up with that kind of stuff.

    That was a big comfort for me.

    Then the whatsapp attacks began. My dad said my behaviour was awful etc and then did something I always feared he would.

    He threw everything he does for us, back in my face.

    That's how it was growing up. He would do something for us, and OH BOY, WOULD HE NEVER LET US FORGET IT!
    So it's been a peaceful stretch, he even got us sushi every week! And seemed a lot more different, better. But I always had my reservation because I suspect even though he is putting on a play of being frum, the kippah and all, he isn't actually pursuing a path of change. And Friday affirmed that. And all the good he did us, all the favours he did for us, all got thrown back at me. And resentments that have been boiling for months, years, like not being Sandek a year ago while my father-in-law has been twice!

    But I could have pursued the whirlpool of hate and (once again) listed the countless things he had done and subsequently forgot, of no consequence, throughout the years. And I really love doing that.

    But he doesn't ever listen, so I just shoot myself in the foot.

    But I had a funny dialogue with him. He asked why I didn't phone my sister on her birthday. I told him her birthday was on a shabbos, the shabbos ended at 7:40PM and it was New Years' Eve (for me, no issue, but I know she's a party animal. Well, she's at least a dubstep DJ). I had no data or airtime (now I admit I should have bought airtime, even though it would have been replenished with the new month). I also said that I tried to phone, and even did contact her that Friday afternoon. I then tried to phone the Sunday morning, first thing. But couldn't get hold of her. So he texted me:

    "Poor excuse. 0/10"
    So I texted back:
    "Wow. Same score as your fathering over the years" (I know, what a chutzpah!)
    So he texted:
    "I think you forget things. You were educated, went on trips etc..."(Even though some of the things he mentioned, my mother actually paid for)
    So I replied:
    "Wonderful. If fathering meant paying for things..."

    And he hasn't replied. But that last line stuck with me. I don't want to be that for my children. I want to be there for them. For plays, recitals. To cheer them on in their own goals. To give them chizuk when they need it. I told my mother I'm so scared I'd end up like my father. She said it would never, ever happen. I am happy for the support but wish I was more confident in myself.

    And I carried on my erev Shabbos duties, all the while thankful that lusting was much lower on my list of possible ways to deal with all this anxiety and hurt!!!

    But I was really tired, hungry… all the HALT thingies, except for lonely, BH! Our place was a mess, but we had a wonderful Shabbos. And the hurt came up again through the Shabbos, but I could deal with it better, in my own way.

    One of the rabbis has his house as like, an open house. And it provides a good shortcut to the shul I go to. So as I was walking through his garden, I peeked in a window for a split second, to someone’s room. And I know this certain Rabbi has a young daughter. And I thought I saw someone sleeping.

    And I felt this rush, tingling in my entire body. BH I had only looked for an instant of a second. But I realised what just happened.

    I just lusted.

    Subtle, but there. The feeling, at least. The thrill that I could have seen someone. I am more aware of it. I love the awareness. And I walked to the shul, contemplating it. And Not wanting to do it again. Please. God.

    I think that the more I progress in recovery, the more subtle my lusting will become. I guess because the YH can't attack so blatantly anymore. I hope.

    Once again, I admit I am powerless. My life, without God's help, is completely unmanageable. I don't want to start again. I want 24 hours. That's all.

    But then we had guests. My Chavrusa. And we had his wife too. And it was a trigger for me. I’m in two minds. I want Shabbos guests. But our place isn’t so big. So we can’t have lots of people. So we have a couple at a time. But maybe it’s not the healthiest for me. I don’t know. I never looked at her more than a second at a time, and almost never communicated. I feel like an insane person. But I guess that’s an addiction. I’m insane. She’s married. Her husband’s right there. But I knew that if I looked at her for more than a few seconds, I’d have taken that first sip, and promptly been sent to the abyss. I was cognisant of the fact. It was sobering.

    Nothing else has happened. I’m going to try work on the Fourth Step the next two weeks. Fearless Moral Inventory. I’ve never done a Cheshbon haNefesh. I hope the exercise is refreshing.

    Huh. Look at that! Long, deep post! Who knew!!!?

    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 10:25 #303241

    • cordnoy
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    Recovery should be with hatzlachah.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 13:43 #303254

    hell of a post need to digest this....
    Hashem loves you for facing this with a good heart and not just giving up 
    KOMT

    B'hatzlacha
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 14:06 #303260

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote:
    I'm just checking in


    Please don't check out
    :pinch: Warning: Spoiler!


    I really appreciate your posts, and you too!!
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 14:44 #303268

    • Singularity
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    Thanks guys.
    I'm getting tired of giving up. Giving up is too exciting. Golden ticket to doing whatever I want.
    I'm old. I'm set in my boring ways. Thanks for reading my rants y'all.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 14:51 #303269

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 14:44:
    Thanks guys.
    I'm getting tired of giving up. Giving up is too exciting. Golden ticket to doing whatever I want.
    I'm old. I'm set in my boring ways. Thanks for reading my rants y'all.

    I'm older.
     don'tI remind me.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 15:07 #303273

    • Singularity
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    cordnoy wrote on 16 Jan 2017 14:51:

    Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 14:44:
    Thanks guys.
    I'm getting tired of giving up. Giving up is too exciting. Golden ticket to doing whatever I want.
    I'm old. I'm set in my boring ways. Thanks for reading my rants y'all.

    I'm older.
     don'tI remind me.

    may you be forever boring.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 17:10 #303287

    • thanks613
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    Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 07:49:

    Huh. Look at that! Long, deep post! Who knew!!!?


    My thoughts exactly!

    Someone recently gave me some advice that I wonder if it would apply to your shabbos meal thing..

    There was this girl who ticked all the boxes for me.. I actually asked her out. Like for shidduchim, marriage etc. ... I created our entire future in my mind... I spoke to my therapist about it. I told him I create this imaginary connection in my head...

    ...BH I've come a far way from there. Mentally, right now, I tried to replace this imaginary visage girl with my wife, sitting across me... I did so. It was a nice feeling. I see I have a lot to work on.

    Why give her special attention? Because she's a girl and I'm attracted to her. It's the lust speaking...

    Hatzlocha. Maybe ask someone more competent if it's healthy going to the meeting if she'll always be there. Weigh it up.

    Better seeing these women than other women we sometimes look up...

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Jan 2017 17:24 #303291

    • Shlomo24
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    I read your post. I usually don't read long posts. I really relate to the father issue. My father would tell me the same things.

    Well, you're going to have one hell of a 4th step!
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 17 Jan 2017 08:37 #303348

    • Singularity
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    thanks613 wrote on 16 Jan 2017 17:10:

    Singularity wrote on 16 Jan 2017 07:49:

    Huh. Look at that! Long, deep post! Who knew!!!?


    My thoughts exactly!

    Someone recently gave me some advice that I wonder if it would apply to your shabbos meal thing..

    There was this girl who ticked all the boxes for me.. I actually asked her out. Like for shidduchim, marriage etc. ... I created our entire future in my mind... I spoke to my therapist about it. I told him I create this imaginary connection in my head...

    ...BH I've come a far way from there. Mentally, right now, I tried to replace this imaginary visage girl with my wife, sitting across me... I did so. It was a nice feeling. I see I have a lot to work on.

    Why give her special attention? Because she's a girl and I'm attracted to her. It's the lust speaking...

    Hatzlocha. Maybe ask someone more competent if it's healthy going to the meeting if she'll always be there. Weigh it up.

    Better seeing these women than other women we sometimes look up...



    Haha! Must be the old-timers, oh I mean altzeimers, kickin' in.. (bli ayin Hora)

    It's slightly different. I'm not envisioning a future with her. Just lusting s'all. Well, BH not getting so far. But knowing I WANT to lust. Haha. Gotta surrender that. PLEASE HASHEM!!!

    But props for the self-idea of speaking to someone.
    I shall do that right now.

    Thanks Shlomo. Thanks for non tl:dr-ing it. It means a lot to me.
    We should join FARTING - Fathers Acting Recklessly Towards Innocent Neshomeles, Gevalt!!!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 17 Jan 2017 17:00 #303397

    • Shlomo24
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    Singularity wrote on 17 Jan 2017 08:37:
    Haha! Must be the old-timers, oh I mean altzeimers, kickin' in.. (bli ayin Hora)

    It's slightly different. I'm not envisioning a future with her. Just lusting s'all. Well, BH not getting so far. But knowing I WANT to lust. Haha. Gotta surrender that. PLEASE HASHEM!!!

    But props for the self-idea of speaking to someone.
    I shall do that right now.

    Thanks Shlomo. Thanks for non tl:dr-ing it. It means a lot to me.
    We should join FARTING - Fathers Acting Recklessly Towards Innocent Neshomeles, Gevalt!!!

    What is that? Also, I'm very immature. I liked your acronym.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 17 Jan 2017 17:05 #303398

    • GrowStrong
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    tl:dr = too long, didn't read.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 18 Jan 2017 07:53 #303470

    • Singularity
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 17 Jan 2017 17:00:

    Singularity wrote on 17 Jan 2017 08:37:
    Haha! Must be the old-timers, oh I mean altzeimers, kickin' in.. (bli ayin Hora)

    It's slightly different. I'm not envisioning a future with her. Just lusting s'all. Well, BH not getting so far. But knowing I WANT to lust. Haha. Gotta surrender that. PLEASE HASHEM!!!

    But props for the self-idea of speaking to someone.
    I shall do that right now.

    Thanks Shlomo. Thanks for non tl:dr-ing it. It means a lot to me.
    We should join FARTING - Fathers Acting Recklessly Towards Innocent Neshomeles, Gevalt!!!

    What is that? Also, I'm very immature. I liked your acronym.

    Thanks. I'm not immature and I like the acronym
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 18 Jan 2017 13:52 #303489

    • Shlomo24
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    Singularity wrote on 18 Jan 2017 07:53:

    Shlomo24 wrote on 17 Jan 2017 17:00:

    Singularity wrote on 17 Jan 2017 08:37:
    Haha! Must be the old-timers, oh I mean altzeimers, kickin' in.. (bli ayin Hora)

    It's slightly different. I'm not envisioning a future with her. Just lusting s'all. Well, BH not getting so far. But knowing I WANT to lust. Haha. Gotta surrender that. PLEASE HASHEM!!!

    But props for the self-idea of speaking to someone.
    I shall do that right now.

    Thanks Shlomo. Thanks for non tl:dr-ing it. It means a lot to me.
    We should join FARTING - Fathers Acting Recklessly Towards Innocent Neshomeles, Gevalt!!!

    What is that? Also, I'm very immature. I liked your acronym.

    Thanks. I'm not immature and I like the acronym

    Well, that's what you think! 
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 24 Jan 2017 09:54 #304077

    • Singularity
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    Just Checkin' (Truckin') in.

    I'm finding today very jolly. And GYE is really a source of entertainment.

    From Gartel's thread about doorknobs, to the nightly emmissions discussion, well, and probably because of being light-headed from an early-morning run and knowing I haven't eaten nearly enough calories to compensate, I am having a good day.

    I don't wish to offend doorknob or trinityofnow, but I really enjoy those threads and the backs-and-forths. May your recovery be with much hatzlocha and deep introspection. Cleanse yourself before your God (cleanses you for you)!

    A Great day, a great week. Holiday next week! YAY!! Life's Good. Thank you Hashem. All's good.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 24 Jan 2017 13:24 #304090

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 24 Jan 2017 09:54:
    Just Checkin' (Truckin') in.

    I'm finding today very jolly. And GYE is really a source of entertainment.

    From Gartel's thread about doorknobs, to the nightly emmissions discussion, well, and probably because of being light-headed from an early-morning run and knowing I haven't eaten nearly enough calories to compensate, I am having a good day.

    I don't wish to offend doorknob or trinityofnow, but I really enjoy those threads and the backs-and-forths. May your recovery be with much hatzlocha and deep introspection. Cleanse yourself before your God (cleanses you for you)!

    A Great day, a great week. Holiday next week! YAY!! Life's Good. Thank you Hashem. All's good.

    Looks like we got ourselves another dophelglanjer!
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 25 Jan 2017 05:55 #304179

    • thanks613
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    If you're interested in doorknobs, here's a reading assignment. 

    Let go and let doorknob
    Last Edit: 25 Jan 2017 05:56 by thanks613.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 25 Jan 2017 19:28 #304242

    • thatslife
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    just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting
    Don't take life too seriously:wink:

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 02:23 #304277

    • Shlomo24
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    thanks613 wrote on 25 Jan 2017 05:55:
    If you're interested in doorknobs, here's a reading assignment. 

    Let go and let doorknob

    Oh, I love the doorknob story!
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 07:50 #304296

    • Singularity
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    thatslife wrote on 25 Jan 2017 19:28:
    just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting

    Thanks, TL! Or should I say Sinatra. (get it?)

    So as some of the poison subsided from my father's and my toxic confrontations, and knowing my uncle from the UK is here for a little bit, but constantly with my father, I sucked it up and asked if they want to come for supper. So started an organisation tennis match. They said we should meet at a restaurant on day X. I said day X won't work and we have a policy not to take our little ones to a restaurant. It's just too crazy (BH our place is small. We can eat in the lounge and overview the entire house and garden!). So I suggested day Y and at us.

    So he said day Y is fine, but it must be at a restaurant. So on day Y early in the morning I said my wife's car with the baby seats is going in for a service (reluctant to put the seats in my car because the seatbelts aren't as proper) and why can't we just get the pizzas or whatever and have it at us? I asked why he was hesitant coming to our house.

    He replied that it's because he'd been kicked out of our place twice. Now personally I feel it's an unfair attack. I only asked him to leave because it was understood that he'd come for a bit and my mother would come. Now, this reason doesn't apply because it's in the middle of the week. But obviously, we're 100% wrong, he's 100% a victim and we mercilessly kicked him out. 

    Then he pulled a tricky move and added, "And just to enlighten you, also the normal manner of human beings, is when you invite someone to your house, you are responsible for providing the food."

    Now that was a foul offence. What does he think I don't know how to have guests? Though, I admit, I was being pulled into the whirlpool of resentment, saying, "Oh, well, he should pay for everything. He doesn't have anyone to support!"
    So maybe I felt that in myself. And I tried a winning tactic. I replied, "Forget it. I'll just ask my uncle to come. What's his number in South Africa? Does he have his own car?"

    And then, just like a queen sacrifice in chess, something I never expected.

    "Hello. This is your uncle. I don't have a number here or a car. Also, I'm a bit disappointed that it took over a week for you to say something"

    Uh-oh. My uncle's in my father's camp. They're ganging up on me. 




    This is getting more and more toxic. So first, I "promptly admitted" my shortfall and apologised to him. I said it was just daddy issues that explained the non-communication. Knowing I'd have to get to my uncle through my father.

    Then I realised there was no hope. Like having lost your queen in chess for no good reason. No way to win it. I got a long whatsapp that started with some quip on my behaviour and subsequently deleted the chat and blocked my father from my whatsapp. Then yesterday and several times today my dad kept phoning me. I never picked up. Eventually, I emailed him:

    Hi dadIt's not a matter of who's right or wrong anymore. I may even be wrong. But I don't know how to deal with the issues in a way that won't make the situation worse than it is right now. So I'm absorbing the losses and submitting to radio silence for a while.If it's a work issue, please email me but strictly in a manner of business. I can't take any more berating.


    And it remains toxic. I just am sad that I can't see my uncle, due to this technicality. My dad has two other siblings and all three are weird in their own way. However, when I take my dad out the picture, I really get along with the other two in a much happier, calmer way. And I realised, why do I always need to see my uncle with my dad? They're not connected by an umbilical cord!! So that's what I tried here. And it backfired.

    Well, at the very least I hope the post was amusing, had good dialogue and pace. I ask for advice and suggestions. Did I do the right thing? Was I harsh? Remember, I also have my family's interests/sanity at heart. I don't want to subject my wife/daughter to my father's wrath of guilt and pain.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 12:11 #304322

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

    thatslife wrote on 25 Jan 2017 19:28:
    just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting

    Thanks, TL! Or should I say Sinatra. (get it?)

    So as some of the poison subsided from my father's and my toxic confrontations, and knowing my uncle from the UK is here for a little bit, but constantly with my father, I sucked it up and asked if they want to come for supper. So started an organisation tennis match. They said we should meet at a restaurant on day X. I said day X won't work and we have a policy not to take our little ones to a restaurant. It's just too crazy (BH our place is small. We can eat in the lounge and overview the entire house and garden!). So I suggested day Y and at us.

    So he said day Y is fine, but it must be at a restaurant. So on day Y early in the morning I said my wife's car with the baby seats is going in for a service (reluctant to put the seats in my car because the seatbelts aren't as proper) and why can't we just get the pizzas or whatever and have it at us? I asked why he was hesitant coming to our house.

    He replied that it's because he'd been kicked out of our place twice. Now personally I feel it's an unfair attack. I only asked him to leave because it was understood that he'd come for a bit and my mother would come. Now, this reason doesn't apply because it's in the middle of the week. But obviously, we're 100% wrong, he's 100% a victim and we mercilessly kicked him out. 

    Then he pulled a tricky move and added, "And just to enlighten you, also the normal manner of human beings, is when you invite someone to your house, you are responsible for providing the food."

    Now that was a foul offence. What does he think I don't know how to have guests? Though, I admit, I was being pulled into the whirlpool of resentment, saying, "Oh, well, he should pay for everything. He doesn't have anyone to support!"
    So maybe I felt that in myself. And I tried a winning tactic. I replied, "Forget it. I'll just ask my uncle to come. What's his number in South Africa? Does he have his own car?"

    And then, just like a queen sacrifice in chess, something I never expected.

    "Hello. This is your uncle. I don't have a number here or a car. Also, I'm a bit disappointed that it took over a week for you to say something"

    Uh-oh. My uncle's in my father's camp. They're ganging up on me. 




    This is getting more and more toxic. So first, I "promptly admitted" my shortfall and apologised to him. I said it was just daddy issues that explained the non-communication. Knowing I'd have to get to my uncle through my father.

    Then I realised there was no hope. Like having lost your queen in chess for no good reason. No way to win it. I got a long whatsapp that started with some quip on my behaviour and subsequently deleted the chat and blocked my father from my whatsapp. Then yesterday and several times today my dad kept phoning me. I never picked up. Eventually, I emailed him:

    Hi dadIt's not a matter of who's right or wrong anymore. I may even be wrong. But I don't know how to deal with the issues in a way that won't make the situation worse than it is right now. So I'm absorbing the losses and submitting to radio silence for a while.If it's a work issue, please email me but strictly in a manner of business. I can't take any more berating.


    And it remains toxic. I just am sad that I can't see my uncle, due to this technicality. My dad has two other siblings and all three are weird in their own way. However, when I take my dad out the picture, I really get along with the other two in a much happier, calmer way. And I realised, why do I always need to see my uncle with my dad? They're not connected by an umbilical cord!! So that's what I tried here. And it backfired.

    Well, at the very least I hope the post was amusing, had good dialogue and pace. I ask for advice and suggestions. Did I do the right thing? Was I harsh? Remember, I also have my family's interests/sanity at heart. I don't want to subject my wife/daughter to my father's wrath of guilt and pain.

    Sad situation
    Id ask my Rav for his advice, although I think you're handling it right and level headed

    Keep on Trucking
    but don't truck over anyone as Arabs are fond of doing
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 12:37 #304327

    • Singularity
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    Well, he replied for a work thing and the conversation was neutral, to put it. That was par...

    Thanks.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 12:45 #304334

    • cordnoy
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    It should be with hatzlachah.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


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    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 15:34 #304372

    • Shlomo24
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    cordnoy wrote on 26 Jan 2017 12:45:
    It should be with hatzlachah.

    I second that.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 17:07 #304385

    • thatslife
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    Singularity wrote on 26 Jan 2017 07:50:

    thatslife wrote on 25 Jan 2017 19:28:
    just read your long deep post that wasn't supposed to be one. deep stuff there. your a really strong person, man. your life is inspiring. keep on posting

    Thanks, TL! Or should I say Sinatra. (get it?)



    lots of good luck. keep it up. i actually did not get that one. please explain.
    Don't take life too seriously:wink:

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 18:29 #304403

    • Shlomo24
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    Frank Sinatra was a famous singer who had a song/album called "That's life."
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 19:37 #304417

    • cordnoy
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    Start spreadin' the news
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 26 Jan 2017 20:51 #304428

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    New York Neeeww Yoooooork!
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Jan 2017 05:54 #304452

    • Shlomo24
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    I want to be a part of it...

    Oh wait, I am. Yes.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Jan 2017 07:05 #304459

    • Singularity
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Jan 2017 05:54:
    I want to be a part of it...

    Oh wait, I am. Yes.

    So you're not in Israel anymore?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 27 Jan 2017 18:39 #304481

    • Shlomo24
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    My heart is always in Israel.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Jan 2017 11:36 #304579

    • GrowStrong
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    There's no place like home!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Jan 2017 14:34 #304603

    • thatslife
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 26 Jan 2017 18:29:
    Frank Sinatra was a famous singer who had a song/album called "That's life."

    i am chasidish, i don't really listen to non-jewish music. i think it would trigger me "BIGLY'', as our new president is wont to say
    Don't take life too seriously:wink:

    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Jan 2017 23:17 #304642

    • Trouble
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    thatslife wrote on 30 Jan 2017 14:34:

    Shlomo24 wrote on 26 Jan 2017 18:29:
    Frank Sinatra was a famous singer who had a song/album called "That's life."

    i am chasidish, i don't really listen to non-jewish music. 

    Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

    Oops, that's a song as well.
    I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 01:44 #304651

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Oops, you did it again
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 02:59 #304652

    • Markz
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    Sing are you still alive?

    If you don't post I get worried that your truck got eaten by a monstah
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 03:07 #304653

    • Trouble
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    Markz wrote on 31 Jan 2017 02:59:
    Sing are you still alive?

    If you don't post I get worried that your truck got eaten by a monstah

    Or perhaps by the Gomondwane Males.
    I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 05:00 #304657

    • GrowStrong
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    I think he's doing what all of us would do if we were in the middle of summer
    (Vacation!)
    Love ya sing hope you are having fun!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 22:09 #304715

    but it's in middle of the zman how can you go on vacation and leave us stranded  

    but in all seriousness singer next time tell us unless you want us to come search for you
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 22:16 #304717

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    As long as he's not in Sing Sing 
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
    Last Edit: 31 Jan 2017 22:16 by Gevura Shebyesod.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 31 Jan 2017 22:41 #304721

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Or sucked into a singularity 
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 11:34 #305014

    • Singularity
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    POOOF. *sizzle*
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 11:43 #305016

    • Singularity
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    I'm back!

    That was my epic re-entrance.

    Still trucking! Not to worry, Mark..

    Shaky waters.
    Beach holidays could do that to you.
    Even though we went off peak. Took my glasses off mostly. And only went to the actual beach very early / very late. Still, was tough.

    I let my eyes wander on numerous occasions. Just to peek at that woman over there. Not for any longer than 3 seconds at a time. But I knew where my head was at.
    Wasn't for the whole holiday. Just the last day or two. Had a lot of stress. Work stuff, all things going awry. BH it's all okay now.

    I was so overwhelmed and desired all lust things. Our holiday home was a mess and we needed to pack. And I didn't want to do anything. But things needed to be done.
    So I just started to pack up the car.
    And I thought to myself as I was lugging bags in the rain and mud:

    The best way to deal with the stress of having to do things is, well, doing them.

    And that's truer than true to me. And a motivator for not acting out.
    Honestly, I set into motion my lustful thoughts a few times. No porn, masturbation, smutty images or anything like that. Just fatigue and the want to check out that woman on the beach. But I glance quickly and glance away. I don't think I need to reset my counter. I think that's a normal struggle. It didn't consume or corrupt me, BH. I asked God to remove my lust on several occasions as well.

    Though I need to reset my sushi counter. I kind of had a ball with food these last few days. Not too much, but enough to say I need to wait another 4 weeks for a sushi binge. And the harsh reality helps me affirm my understanding of reward and punishment. It's a good thing.

    I'm being brief. What's Pshat with beach holidays? My wife and I both love the ocean. And I love swimming in the waves. And you know what? Most of the time, that was my only motivation to go down to the beach! And I'm proud of that. But are beaches assur? Is it something I need to admit, and surrender as well? It's horrifying. But even one woman in one bikini... is the joy of swimming worth the anguish? I don't know. My head's fuzzy. I reach out to you all.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Last Edit: 06 Feb 2017 11:44 by Singularity.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 13:14 #305021

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 11:43:
    I'm back!

    That was my epic re-entrance.

    Still trucking! Not to worry, Mark..

    Shaky waters.
    Beach holidays could do that to you.
    Even though we went off peak. Took my glasses off mostly. And only went to the actual beach very early / very late. Still, was tough.

    I let my eyes wander on numerous occasions. Just to peek at that woman over there. Not for any longer than 3 seconds at a time. But I knew where my head was at.
    Wasn't for the whole holiday. Just the last day or two. Had a lot of stress. Work stuff, all things going awry. BH it's all okay now.

    I was so overwhelmed and desired all lust things. Our holiday home was a mess and we needed to pack. And I didn't want to do anything. But things needed to be done.
    So I just started to pack up the car.
    And I thought to myself as I was lugging bags in the rain and mud:

    The best way to deal with the stress of having to do things is, well, doing them.

    And that's truer than true to me. And a motivator for not acting out.
    Honestly, I set into motion my lustful thoughts a few times. No porn, masturbation, smutty images or anything like that. Just fatigue and the want to check out that woman on the beach. But I glance quickly and glance away. I don't think I need to reset my counter. I think that's a normal struggle. It didn't consume or corrupt me, BH. I asked God to remove my lust on several occasions as well.

    Though I need to reset my sushi counter. I kind of had a ball with food these last few days. Not too much, but enough to say I need to wait another 4 weeks for a sushi binge. And the harsh reality helps me affirm my understanding of reward and punishment. It's a good thing.

    I'm being brief. What's Pshat with beach holidays? My wife and I both love the ocean. And I love swimming in the waves. And you know what? Most of the time, that was my only motivation to go down to the beach! And I'm proud of that. But are beaches assur? Is it something I need to admit, and surrender as well? It's horrifying. But even one woman in one bikini... is the joy of swimming worth the anguish? I don't know. My head's fuzzy. I reach out to you all.

     I go 5:30 to 8am

    I wasn't so worried about your sobriety being away so long
    I assumed you were on a 90,000km run

    Running on quick sand isn't easy ;-)
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 13:25 #305022

    • Singularity
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    Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:14:

    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 11:43:
    I'm back!

    That was my epic re-entrance.

    Still trucking! Not to worry, Mark..

    Shaky waters.
    Beach holidays could do that to you.
    Even though we went off peak. Took my glasses off mostly. And only went to the actual beach very early / very late. Still, was tough.

    I let my eyes wander on numerous occasions. Just to peek at that woman over there. Not for any longer than 3 seconds at a time. But I knew where my head was at.
    Wasn't for the whole holiday. Just the last day or two. Had a lot of stress. Work stuff, all things going awry. BH it's all okay now.

    I was so overwhelmed and desired all lust things. Our holiday home was a mess and we needed to pack. And I didn't want to do anything. But things needed to be done.
    So I just started to pack up the car.
    And I thought to myself as I was lugging bags in the rain and mud:

    The best way to deal with the stress of having to do things is, well, doing them.

    And that's truer than true to me. And a motivator for not acting out.
    Honestly, I set into motion my lustful thoughts a few times. No porn, masturbation, smutty images or anything like that. Just fatigue and the want to check out that woman on the beach. But I glance quickly and glance away. I don't think I need to reset my counter. I think that's a normal struggle. It didn't consume or corrupt me, BH. I asked God to remove my lust on several occasions as well.

    Though I need to reset my sushi counter. I kind of had a ball with food these last few days. Not too much, but enough to say I need to wait another 4 weeks for a sushi binge. And the harsh reality helps me affirm my understanding of reward and punishment. It's a good thing.

    I'm being brief. What's Pshat with beach holidays? My wife and I both love the ocean. And I love swimming in the waves. And you know what? Most of the time, that was my only motivation to go down to the beach! And I'm proud of that. But are beaches assur? Is it something I need to admit, and surrender as well? It's horrifying. But even one woman in one bikini... is the joy of swimming worth the anguish? I don't know. My head's fuzzy. I reach out to you all.

     I go 5:30 to 8am

    I wasn't so worried about your sobriety being away so long
    I assumed you were on a 90,000km run

    Running on quick sand isn't easy ;-)

    neither beach sand : -P

    You go alone or with the fam? 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 13:41 #305024

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:25:

    Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:14:

    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 11:43:
    I'm back!

    That was my epic re-entrance.

    Still trucking! Not to worry, Mark..

    Shaky waters.
    Beach holidays could do that to you.
    Even though we went off peak. Took my glasses off mostly. And only went to the actual beach very early / very late. Still, was tough.

    I let my eyes wander on numerous occasions. Just to peek at that woman over there. Not for any longer than 3 seconds at a time. But I knew where my head was at.
    Wasn't for the whole holiday. Just the last day or two. Had a lot of stress. Work stuff, all things going awry. BH it's all okay now.

    I was so overwhelmed and desired all lust things. Our holiday home was a mess and we needed to pack. And I didn't want to do anything. But things needed to be done.
    So I just started to pack up the car.
    And I thought to myself as I was lugging bags in the rain and mud:

    The best way to deal with the stress of having to do things is, well, doing them.

    And that's truer than true to me. And a motivator for not acting out.
    Honestly, I set into motion my lustful thoughts a few times. No porn, masturbation, smutty images or anything like that. Just fatigue and the want to check out that woman on the beach. But I glance quickly and glance away. I don't think I need to reset my counter. I think that's a normal struggle. It didn't consume or corrupt me, BH. I asked God to remove my lust on several occasions as well.

    Though I need to reset my sushi counter. I kind of had a ball with food these last few days. Not too much, but enough to say I need to wait another 4 weeks for a sushi binge. And the harsh reality helps me affirm my understanding of reward and punishment. It's a good thing.

    I'm being brief. What's Pshat with beach holidays? My wife and I both love the ocean. And I love swimming in the waves. And you know what? Most of the time, that was my only motivation to go down to the beach! And I'm proud of that. But are beaches assur? Is it something I need to admit, and surrender as well? It's horrifying. But even one woman in one bikini... is the joy of swimming worth the anguish? I don't know. My head's fuzzy. I reach out to you all.

     I go 5:30 to 8am

    I wasn't so worried about your sobriety being away so long
    I assumed you were on a 90,000km run

    Running on quick sand isn't easy ;-)

    neither beach sand : -P

    You go alone or with the fam? 

    My wife loves to go
    i simply can't be there after any bathers arrive, so that's the only time I can take the fam

    It happened that she wanted to stay by the water a little longer so I waited for her in the car. Even that can be tough because there are women around the parking area too who haven't heard of vaad mishmeret hatzniyut 
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 14:07 #305026

    • Singularity
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    Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:41:

    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:25:

    Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2017 13:14:

    Singularity wrote on 06 Feb 2017 11:43:
    I'm back!

    That was my epic re-entrance.

    Still trucking! Not to worry, Mark..

    Shaky waters.
    Beach holidays could do that to you.
    Even though we went off peak. Took my glasses off mostly. And only went to the actual beach very early / very late. Still, was tough.

    I let my eyes wander on numerous occasions. Just to peek at that woman over there. Not for any longer than 3 seconds at a time. But I knew where my head was at.
    Wasn't for the whole holiday. Just the last day or two. Had a lot of stress. Work stuff, all things going awry. BH it's all okay now.

    I was so overwhelmed and desired all lust things. Our holiday home was a mess and we needed to pack. And I didn't want to do anything. But things needed to be done.
    So I just started to pack up the car.
    And I thought to myself as I was lugging bags in the rain and mud:

    The best way to deal with the stress of having to do things is, well, doing them.

    And that's truer than true to me. And a motivator for not acting out.
    Honestly, I set into motion my lustful thoughts a few times. No porn, masturbation, smutty images or anything like that. Just fatigue and the want to check out that woman on the beach. But I glance quickly and glance away. I don't think I need to reset my counter. I think that's a normal struggle. It didn't consume or corrupt me, BH. I asked God to remove my lust on several occasions as well.

    Though I need to reset my sushi counter. I kind of had a ball with food these last few days. Not too much, but enough to say I need to wait another 4 weeks for a sushi binge. And the harsh reality helps me affirm my understanding of reward and punishment. It's a good thing.

    I'm being brief. What's Pshat with beach holidays? My wife and I both love the ocean. And I love swimming in the waves. And you know what? Most of the time, that was my only motivation to go down to the beach! And I'm proud of that. But are beaches assur? Is it something I need to admit, and surrender as well? It's horrifying. But even one woman in one bikini... is the joy of swimming worth the anguish? I don't know. My head's fuzzy. I reach out to you all.

     I go 5:30 to 8am

    I wasn't so worried about your sobriety being away so long
    I assumed you were on a 90,000km run

    Running on quick sand isn't easy ;-)

    neither beach sand : -P

    You go alone or with the fam? 

    My wife loves to go
    i simply can't be there after any bathers arrive, so that's the only time I can take the fam

    It happened that she wanted to stay by the water a little longer so I waited for her in the car. Even that can be tough because there are women around the parking area too who haven't heard of vaad mishmeret hatzniyut 

    Blast it on your boombox.

    my wife really doesn't function until 6:30 - 7:00 though. >.<
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Feb 2017 21:32 #305049

    hey bro imagine that you disappear for about a week and bang you come back full force 
    great to have ya back 
    KOMT
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 09:33 #305099

    • Singularity
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    Thanks all.

    Funny pic from holiday.

    A Wild Snorlax Blocks your Path



    Drunk guy passed out on the steps to our apartment. Had to go all the way around 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 11:47 #305107

    next tome don't forget your' pokeflute  
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 12:17 #305111

    • Singularity
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    there were a bunch of guys there. All wasted. And one of them comes up to us and asks us what we should do.

    We just walked away.

    But I wanted to give over that eitzah!

    Also I gave my wife the whole reid on pokemon and she also enjoyed it.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 12:22 #305115

    eitzah is to soor m'rah 
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 12:27 #305119

    • Singularity
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    yes but not if a snorlax is blocking your path!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 12:50 #305120

    • Trouble
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    Singularity wrote on 07 Feb 2017 12:27:
    yes but not if a snorlax is blocking your path!

    Strange.

    I clicked on my GYE tab, and seemingly, it went to Facebook.
    I'm all about that (substantial) bass, no trouble ....

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 13:42 #305127

    • Singularity
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    Then your in the right place
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 21:12 #305168

    • Shlomo24
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    I immensely enjoyed this Pokemon conversation.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Feb 2017 21:19 #305169

    if you want i can give you extensive ifo on most things in the game till about 5-7 years ago  
    (not that I'm proud of the time wasted)
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 09:08 #305241

    • Singularity
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    I like the tread the boundary of cultural references, not immerse myself into it. It's a dangerous game I play.

    Last night was stupid. UGH.

    I thought it was an "on" night with my wife. But I took a headache tablet then become ridiculously drowsy. And she was also exhausted. Then we got to talking and I was upset again because of something stupid. I am working on being OK with not having to do it whenever I wanted to, but for some reason I have been more aroused these last few days, and eventually I told her I just couldn't take it and we ended up doing it. Were I stronger, I'd have been able to contain myself, but I also didn't want to end up spilling seed. Well, she also doesn't want that. And she expressed herself, she is my wall, she is there for me. 

    Not that it's a licence to lust and fall back on her.

    The thoughts that got me going? Her, BH. And snippets of porn I remembered here and there. Which is not good. But my mind was racing. I pray for the serenity I need in these situations. Not to be manipulative. Not to be demanding. I want it for her. So I will try not ask for sex until she wants it too. From today. That's my kabolah.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 14:09 #305268

    • Markz
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    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 14:42 #305274

    • Workingguy
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    Markz, or actually now that I realize that I know you I can call you....Markz! much better than your real name Getzel. Two questions-

    1) How have you been so matzliach at no searches, YouTube, etc? You haven't shared your process in a while; can you?

    2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.

    but, and the kudos to singularity's wife, it is a beautiful thing for someone who feels that responsibility and roll.

    There is no doubt that we have to be responsible for ourselves, so it almost doesn't bear saying and is only relevant theoretically, but it is more than ever important for women to arouse their husbands under the apple tree.

    I remember having a conversation with my older brother, a Rov and Talmid Chochom, and he was saying (not about sex but about not getting over hyper about assuring Zumba for women and other such things)
    that it is important that they feel good about themselves, and it is important that they also look good because the bottom line is we are not interested in anyone looking anywhere else.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 14:45 #305275

    • Workingguy
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    Singularity wrote on 08 Feb 2017 09:08:
    I like the tread the boundary of cultural references, not immerse myself into it. It's a dangerous game I play.

    Last night was stupid. UGH.

    I thought it was an "on" night with my wife. But I took a headache tablet then become ridiculously drowsy. And she was also exhausted. Then we got to talking and I was upset again because of something stupid. I am working on being OK with not having to do it whenever I wanted to, but for some reason I have been more aroused these last few days, and eventually I told her I just couldn't take it and we ended up doing it. Were I stronger, I'd have been able to contain myself, but I also didn't want to end up spilling seed. Well, she also doesn't want that. And she expressed herself, she is my wall, she is there for me. 

    Not that it's a licence to lust and fall back on her.

    The thoughts that got me going? Her, BH. And snippets of porn I remembered here and there. Which is not good. But my mind was racing. I pray for the serenity I need in these situations. Not to be manipulative. Not to be demanding. I want it for her. So I will try not ask for sex until she wants it too. From today. That's my kabolah.

    Singularity,

    Everyone is different and everyone has their situations and certainly my sex life has had its own share of strong complications, but when I did that it ended up really hurting our intimate life. 

    Of course, if your wife is OK with that then perhaps it's fine, but is she?

    also, I think you have to realize how beautiful it is that she wants to be your wall. You are very lucky.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 15:57 #305279

    • cordnoy
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    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix

    It ain't for sale!

    I hardly ever initiate.

    Can't go back there.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 17:26 #305287

    • Markz
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    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:
    Markz, or actually now that I realize that I know you I can call you....Markz! much better than your real name Getzel. Two questions-

    1) How have you been so matzliach at no searches, YouTube, etc? You haven't shared your process in a while; can you?


    Click on "My story" below. It's basically the same

    I have a full time job (with overtime) which I enjoy although tough at times. and I try learn a little, and hold a second part time job, and spend time with my Fam, and participate on gye, so my hands are too busy to be goggling

    Sorry it's no long psychological discourse

    All my love
    Getzel
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 17:28 #305288

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    Cords,

    Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 18:24 #305300

    Singularity:
    Sorry to here about the hard time I feel your' pain and completely relate to it as my wife too tells me she wants to be my wall/rock or whatever. I usually do not  initiate and when we do it she is happy doesn't matter who started and when she asks if I need it and I tell her that I do not want to push her she appreciates it
    You just have to find the right balance for yourself no one can decide for you
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 19:17 #305310

    • cordnoy
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    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 17:28:
    Cords,

    Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

    Not only is my answer yes to the future, it is to the past and present.

    HaveI there been some days, weeks, months that she has somewhat initiated? Yes, but that is not the rule; it is the exception. And by the way, if you don't believe me, ask my wife; she will respond accordingly.

    DoI I fall every once in a whileI and try to initiate? Yes. But usually, I end up beatin' myself up afterwards.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 08 Feb 2017 22:14 #305327

    • Shlomo24
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    There are many people who have "asking their wife for sex" as a bottom line. While I don't have experience with this at all, I understand the logic.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 02:41 #305364

    • Shlomo24
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    I would like to add, however, that this is true for addicts. Singularity, or whatever his real name is, is an addict. I've heard addicts say asking for sex  is a bottom line of theirs. For people like Mark, it's a whole different story.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 03:00 #305365

    • Workingguy
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    cordnoy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 19:17:

    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 17:28:
    Cords,

    Personal question- would you do that even if she would never or almost never initiate? Serious not sarcastic question. 

    Not only is my answer yes to the future, it is to the past and present.

    HaveI there been some days, weeks, months that she has somewhat initiated? Yes, but that is not the rule; it is the exception. And by the way, if you don't believe me, ask my wife; she will respond accordingly.

    DoI I fall every once in a whileI and try to initiate? Yes. But usually, I end up beatin' myself up afterwards.


    More questions- asking really to understand and not "lekanter".

    If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

    Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

    If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 03:59 #305366

    • cordnoy
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    If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

    YesI, that is the way we leave it. At times it is adversely affected. Basically, it depends upon my moods.

    Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

    ProbablyI both.

    If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

    HellI yes!
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
    Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 04:00 by cordnoy.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 04:55 #305369

    • bb0212
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    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 03:59:
    If you're wife doesn't initiate and you don't, chances are it obviously won't happen much. Is that the way you leave it, and do you think your marriage is affected negatively in any way?

    YesI, that is the way we leave it. At times it is adversely affected. Basically, it depends upon my moods.

    Do you not initiate because it's bad for you to do so, or because she doesn't want you to, or both?

    ProbablyI both.

    If she told you that she wants you to initiate, would you?

    HellI yes!

    Cords, kol hakavod to you. I'm guessing that's not what you want to hear but you give yourself credit where it's due. If you beat yourself up when you "slip", be fair to yourself and give yourself credit when you're strong. Even though I don't know the numbers (how often you actually do it) from the experience that I have, for a few months when my ex wouldn't go to the mik and I was going nuts. This was at a time when I was extremely depressed & had a very weak sex drive. I can't understand what you're going through, but keep at it, keep focusing on how much strength you've gained through the years of work that you've done.

    Look back at the times that you fell. How much did you grow overall because of each fall? Please try to focus on how often you are winning and succeeding. If you need help, lmk I'll try to help you focus.

    BB0212

    ETA: Just realized this is Singularity's thread. Didn't mean to hijack it.

    We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
    My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

    Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
    Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 06:20 by bb0212.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 06:56 #305372

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    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix

    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 07:24 #305374

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    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix


    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?
    My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

    Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 07:31 #305375

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    Thanks everyone for the wonderful insights.

    I feel I have a wife with very rare middos befitting a true bas yisroel. I thank Hashem for that, and thank you guys for helping me realise it.

    On a lighter note, my wife and I had a fantastic day yesterday, had early supper with the kids. baked, sorted out clothing, made her feel accomplished. You know, normal things, things an addict dreams of.

    And I didn't initiate this time! but there was a consensus, BH.

    I understand I need to initiate sometimes. I don't believe my initiating or not affects my porn/masturbation addiction. That's just me. Just, I don't know the best way to go about it, and sometimes she really is tired, but I think it will be OK because is being tired an excuse? Every night is a different ball game; just gotta roll with it. It's hard to determine sometimes. And if I miscalculate, I end up feeling bad, and that's a potential trigger.

    I need some more time to chew on it. But I'm in a better space, I feel, BH. Thanks everybody!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 11:09 #305400

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    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

    2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.

    As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
    When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

    With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
    Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 
    BE"H WE WILL ALL SUCCEED
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:12 #305401

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    will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 11:09:

    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

    2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.


    As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
    When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

    With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
    Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 

    I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:19 #305402

    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:25 #305404

    • Singularity
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    I help myself. To her. I admit it. What a monster.

    but 70 days clean nevertheless! BH. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 12:39 #305405

    not a monster just a normal person with big things to overcome
    personally I feel that in these situations and with a loving wife who understands this is one situation that she can be matzle m'chet
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:20 #305407

    • cordnoy
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    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix



    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

    Howbout over 20?
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:21 #305408

    • cordnoy
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:23 #305409

    • cordnoy
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:39:
    not a monster just a normal person with big things to overcome
    personally I feel that in these situations and with a loving wife who understands this is one situation that she can be matzle m'chet

    Not her job.

    EspeciallyI for us fellows.

    And besides, she won't be there four times a day/night.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:25 #305410

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:

    will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 11:09:

    Workingguy wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:42:

    2) It's very true that you will live if you don't get your fix, and in today's day and age it doesn't seem to work that often that a woman is interested in being her husbands protection from sin and you're for being intimate with him.



    As an addict the white book says "sex is optional", it is hard for me to agree with it, but i know that if sex is not optional, then it means its lust for me, and having sex with my wife even though its Muter will only feed my lust!!!
    When i want to show love to my wife, there is dozens of other ways to show it... not by pressuring her emotionally in to something she isn't in the mood of right now!

    With that being said - there is a Mitzveh of pleasuring the wife (not yourself), and Piryeh Verivyeh, and a person that purely means G-d's will, wont get agitated if his wife dosent want it now!
    Protecting me from sin... i know as an addict - for me having sex with my wife will not keep me off porn... 

    I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?

    Rape her.

    II took an alternative route.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:37 #305414

    • Singularity
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    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:52 #305416

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    Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

    There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

    Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
    Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

    However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

    And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

    But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 13:54 #305417

    • bb0212
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    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix




    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

    Howbout over 20?


    Exactly. Then what?
    My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

    Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:11 #305420

    • Hashem Help Me
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    Singularity wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:12:








    I agree that no matter how much I get from the Mrs, it will help nothing against porn and stuff. but in a matzav of being very aroused to the point of no control, what do ya do?

    There was a point in my recovery where I felt that if that would happen, then better to allow the zera to come out (of course without any hand assistance) rather than "use" my wife. This of course would really need a psak of horoas sha'ah from a big posek. BH it never got to that. I forced myself to stay in control even when very intimate.  Now I feel I graduated to the extent that if it came to such a matzav I would explain to my wife the situation. Doing the act, although somewhat inappropriate, would not at this point undo what I have trained myself to expect of myself. Fortunately my wife is an incredible person and would be very understanding. (She put up with much much worse from me in an extremely gracious manner............)  I would make it up to my wife in some other way and do my utmost to not allow myself to get to such a point of arousal.  I don't know if this answer would be appropriate for a true addict. I am answering for those of us who are retraining ourselves from very ingrained/obsessive bad habits. 
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:12 #305421

    • cordnoy
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    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix





    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

    Howbout over 20?


    Exactly. Then what?

    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:19 #305423

    • bb0212
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    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix






    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

    Howbout over 20?


    Exactly. Then what?

    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.

    My question was theoretical. What does one do if his wife isn't never interested.  0 sex for two years, 5 years, "just because". I don't know what that's like, but it can't make for a very healthy relationship. Also I'm not an addict (at least I don't think I am), so my question may be different than what you're understanding it to be.
    My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

    Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:22 #305425

    • cordnoy
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    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:19:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:54:



    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:20:

    bb0212 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 07:24:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 06:56:

    Markz wrote on 08 Feb 2017 14:09:
    Thank GD for gye I'm porn free for a year and a half - no second looks, no "random " google searches, no non kosher YouTube vids

    But when natural instincts are awakened to be intimate with ones wife it's a different story. 
    It's something I'm working on

    But I don't buy the idea of waiting for her to initiate. You're going to an opposite extreme.
    There has to be love and open communication. Husband is the initiator. BUT it has to be communicated clearly that "I don't need it. Don't do it for me. It's for us. You have to be ok with it. If you are not able tonight for whatever reason, we won't". 
    My wife was surprised when I told her that. 
    she was like "are you sure? I need to be available for you, else maybe you'll do porn" and I said "nope" I'm not gonna die if I don't get my fix







    Sometimes some abstention is necessary to break the hyperfocus on having sex. But that is not the ultimate. There should be intimacy and if both are interested it should continue to healthy sex. If she isn't interested, nobody will die from not continuing. It will be hard the first few times but after a while you can be completely in control. Your wife will appreciate you so much for this mehalech and when you do have relations it will be so much more enjoyable - and you will feel great and proud afterwards - the way a husband who treats his wife well feels.

    I'd imagine that's true to a point - if somebody's wife isn't interested in sex for two years, what then?

    Howbout over 20?


    Exactly. Then what?

    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.

    My question was theoretical. What does one do if his wife isn't never interested.  0 sex for two years, 5 years, "just because". I don't know what that's like, but it can't make for a very healthy relationship. Also I'm not an addict (at least I don't think I am), so my question may be different than what you're understanding it to be.

    Your question may have been rhetoric, but my answer was not.

    B'hatzlachah
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:33 #305429

    • Hashem Help Me
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    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







    That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:40 #305431

    • will Succeed Beh
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    Workingguy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:52:
    Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

    There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

    Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
    Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

    However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

    And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

    But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

    Thanks Workingguy ! that was an amazing post, clear, sharp to the point!!!! 

    What about making a Seifer "Pirush HaCordnoy
    BE"H WE WILL ALL SUCCEED
    My Thread
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    ואהבת עולם, אהבת עולם אהבתיך

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:56 #305433

    • cordnoy
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    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:33:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







    That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.

    Thank you.

    II like that....axiomatic guidin' light.

    I agree with everythin' you wrote, except one word.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 14:59 #305434

    • cordnoy
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    will Succeed Beh wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:40:

    Workingguy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:52:
    Don't cry. Cordnoy is answering in a very strong manner, but I think it's important to clarify what he's saying.

    There's no doubt that a wife can be your "wall" and if that works for her and you, that can be beautiful. For normal people, chazal definitely say there is a concept of being with one's wife when "yitzro misgaber alav".

    Also, if you're working hard and you might have a fall and this can stop you from worse consequences, I'll weigh in and say that you should allow your wife to help you, probably contrary to what most people here would say.
    Absolutely not relevant to me because my wife doesn't relate to intimacy that way at all, and it would hurt our intimate life.

    However, if you're an addict and it's not going to help and instead of being mechazek you, it will just allow you to indulge more, you're wife will be feeling used and you'll end up acting out tomorrow or the next day anyway, and you're looking at all sorts of stuff anyway, then what's the point? You're feeding your Lust, you're not making an effort anyway, so why do it? But if you are working hard and need a little help and want to prevent worse consequences and she doesn't mind, why not?

    And I think one more thing- it's easy to confuse the concept of a woman being available and interested for her husband to "keep him safe" in this crazy world before he's been all over the map. That's a very admirable trait on her part, but not something HE should really ask for. It's HER Rambam, as they say.

    But for so many of us, we have this ideal of our wives protecting us after we've become the problem. So that won't really work.

    Thanks Workingguy ! that was an amazing post, clear, sharp to the point!!!! 

    What about making a Seifer "Pirush HaCordnoy

    It would be worthy of hangin' up in the back room of every strip club along route 1 & 9.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 15:28 #305436

    • Shlomo24
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    I think this was a good discussion. I believe that this will help in my marriage, whenever and if that ever happens. 

    If you noticed, I "Thank you'd" every one of Cordnoy's posts. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do in their bedroom. But if someone is having sex with their wife because they "need to" or because the desire is overwhelming, that sounds like they are using their wife. There are many people in my fellowship who are abstinate with their wives because they internalized that sex is optional and it's up to their wives to decide. I hear them sharing, and many times there's pain in their shares. But at least they're sober. And they know that if their wife decides to be intimate, then it will be from a much healthier place. But that is not the end goal, as Cordnoy was saying.

    My sponsor told me that he and his wife were abstinate at a time. His wife was disgusted with him and she couldn't have sex. But one night they were sharing very vulnerable things with each other, and they were connecting a lot. He told me that they "found themselves having sex." There was no decision made to have sex, but it was just a result of the connection that they had. Their abstinence was broken in a beautiful way, not with any of them trying to. 

    My therapist in Israel also told me that sex is not about the physical pleasure, he said sex is about connection. He remarked "If sex was about the pleasure, then it would be quite boring with the same woman for 20 years." But he said it's about connection, not physical pleasure. The white book has a similar explanation. Just some food for thought.

    Before anyone jumps on me for being single and commenting on this thread, everything here is just what I have heard from other people. And if it upsets you, do a 4th step. None of my damn business. (Joke!)
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 15:29 #305437

    • Meier
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    Mornin fellas 
    SNOW DAY YEAH!!!
    when we can get a "no not now" from the wife.and walk away without going crazy. than it's healthy.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:03 #305453

    • Markz
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 15:28:
    I think this was a good discussion. I believe that this will help in my marriage, whenever and if that ever happens. 

    If you noticed, I "Thank you'd" every one of Cordnoy's posts. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do in their bedroom. But if someone is having sex with their wife because they "need to" or because the desire is overwhelming, that sounds like they are using their wife. There are many people in my fellowship who are abstinate with their wives because they internalized that sex is optional and it's up to their wives to decide. I hear them sharing, and many times there's pain in their shares. But at least they're sober. And they know that if their wife decides to be intimate, then it will be from a much healthier place. But that is not the end goal, as Cordnoy was saying.

    My sponsor told me that he and his wife were abstinate at a time. His wife was disgusted with him and she couldn't have sex. But one night they were sharing very vulnerable things with each other, and they were connecting a lot. He told me that they "found themselves having sex." There was no decision made to have sex, but it was just a result of the connection that they had. Their abstinence was broken in a beautiful way, not with any of them trying to. 

    My therapist in Israel also told me that sex is not about the physical pleasure, he said sex is about connection. He remarked "If sex was about the pleasure, then it would be quite boring with the same woman for 20 years." But he said it's about connection, not physical pleasure. The white book has a similar explanation. Just some food for thought.

    Before anyone jumps on me for being single and commenting on this thread, everything here is just what I have heard from other people. And if it upsets you, do a 4th step. None of my damn business. (Joke!)

    Very impressive words from such a young guy.

    Sounds like you've been married a few decades already

    [spoiler?]Although there are guys that passed their 60th anniversary, and they still don't know this... [dash the spoiler]
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:04 #305454

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.


    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it
    also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended thank you for making sure things remain clear
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:35 #305456

    • cordnoy
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.


    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it
    also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended thank you for making sure things remain clear

    Firstly, I was told it should be sperm dumpster.

    Secondly, my apologies, but I really don't understand what you're sayin'.

    I am sorry, but sentences, punctuation marks and capital letters would be a start.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:40 #305457

    Agreed she is not a toy/collector/dumpster or whatever but a person with real feelings.

    Help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does, just gotta know you still might not get it.

    Also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended

    Thank you for making sure things remain clear
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 20:54 #305458

    • cordnoy
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    Thank you Mr MH,

    ItI is appreciated.

    I went back again several pages to thoseI quotes. Mr singularity was specifically referrin' to sex with his wife. He was aroused and needed an outlet. Your response to him several times was that he should ask his wife for help. You even mentioned that this will prevent him from sinnin'. 

    This is the point I am disagreein' with strongly, and especially for us fellows. We will probably never have enough sex. We will always want more. Asking her for help with our arousal status is from the worst things we could do, that is, if we are interested in change.

    Is there a time for the wife to help evenI us guys? Perhaps yes, but it is onI her terms, her time, her schedule, etc., and only when we are doin' aI damn good job of changin'.

    There is someone on this site who advocates rape for the purpose of not wastin' seed, and that it is the man's right, and that's it's written in the kesuvah, and we are normal, and we took out the garbage and washed theBAD WORD REMOVEDin' dishes. I do not subscribe to that theory.

    B'hatzlachah
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:05 #305460

    Point taken and accepted

    ​As I am not an addict it is still hard for me to accept that it is never "mutter" to ask if needed but that is my problem and shall try to remember this in the future.

    I have read that other thread and have not commented on purpose let's leave it at that

    KOMT
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!
    Last Edit: 09 Feb 2017 21:09 by cordnoy.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:12 #305462

    Thank you for editing the typo
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:14 #305463

    • cordnoy
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 21:12:
    Thank you for editing the typo

    T'was a one time special.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 21:21 #305464

    can I have another one as I was editing it when it changed in between when I clicked edit and it loaded for editing?  
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 22:22 #305474

    • Hashem Help Me
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    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:56:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:33:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







    That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.

    Thank you.

    II like that....axiomatic guidin' light.

    I agree with everythin' you wrote, except one word.

    Which word?
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 22:26 #305475

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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.


    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it
    also this was said to singularity specifically in relation to what he has posted but still I should have been clearer with what was intended thank you for making sure things remain clear

    In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 22:26 #305476

    • Hashem Help Me
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"

    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.


    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it


    In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 22:45 #305479

    • cordnoy
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    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 22:22:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:56:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:33:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 14:12:












    Then your work on yourself.

    ​You stop cryin' over the situation you've been dealt and do what you can to change.

    Don't lay the blame elsewhere.

    That is what I did.

    It was, and is tough.

    It was not andI is not always rewardin', but the cherry at the end of the tunnel is not whether or not I will have sex tonight.







    That line from Cordnoy "the cherry....is not whether or not I will have sex tonight", has to be the axiomatic guiding light for those of us who have had to retrain and refocus ourselves. So many of us were subconsciously driven by that very sour cherry. We spent hours without realizing it planning, manipulating, arranging that there be sex that night. Very well said.

    Thank you.

    II like that....axiomatic guidin' light.

    I agree with everythin' you wrote, except one word.


    Which word?

    Sour
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Feb 2017 23:27 #305484

    • Shlomo24
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    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 22:26:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"


    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.



    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it



    In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"

    Now THAT is a good quote. Sounds like something Cordnoy would say.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 10 Feb 2017 07:28 #305512

    • Singularity
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 09 Feb 2017 23:27:

    Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Feb 2017 22:26:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 20:04:

    cordnoy wrote on 09 Feb 2017 13:21:

    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 09 Feb 2017 12:19:
    then you ask your' loving and supporting wife for "help"



    No, you don't.

    SheI is not your sperm collector.




    agreed she is not a toy BUT A PERSON WITH REAL FEELINGS
    help does not always mean sex but sometimes it does just gotta know you still might not get it




    In summary a choshuve rav who deals with chassanim told me "A wife is not a pillow and a pail"

    Now THAT is a good quote. Sounds like something Cordnoy would say.

    Eiruvin 100b:

    1 of the 10 curses: Na'asah kar l'ba'alah

    HAHA just adding fuel to the flame.

    However it is a curse.


    Thanks for all your insightful comments. I read through them all, and thank you'ed the popular members (haha).

    I admit it was wrong what I did. (Step 10). I will work on it. I thank Hashem for an amazing wife who sincerely wants to help me and pray I don't use her. 

    I feel I'm a good husband. Work hard, take care of the kids, make sure my wife has everything she needs. Sure, I got emotional stuff, daddy issues, feelings of abandonment and the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old (when I began the trail of porn), but I'm pummelling through that. I am grateful I caught myself, b'siyata d'shmaya, before it got really damaging. And learning to deal with life, stresses, issues, one day at a time. Not being overwhelmed for the future and the flaky prospects.

    We got married, I had no degree or work experience.

    We got pregnant, I had no degree or work experience.

    The day I got a job, we had the kid.

    The day we had the next kid, I got a raise.

    I feel like we're being sustained by the mon in the desert. But that's good for Emuna, no? I must focus on doing the right thing next. Wondering about school fees for 2+ kids will just drive me insane. But I know something will work out. I pray. 

    I feel what she and I have is very special. 
    Sure I like to learn, but I'd rather stay at home with her instead of night seder.
    Sure we're chareidi, but I wouldn't miss a chance to rock out to Status Quo with her.
    Sure school on sunday is nice, but heck, let's pull the kids out and take a day trip to the Vaal instead!

    But it's an adventure with her I wouldn't miss for the world.

    PS this is my stage of life right now. Perhaps with more and older kids, I'll go out to learn with them and the dynamic will change. I'm all up for change. But I feel we have some fixed ideals that really bring us close together. Despite sailing against the storm. I'll ask Cords how to do that ;-)

    I am back on my good running schedule. I fear my self esteem is much linked to my running. I feel so good about myself when I come home at 5 AM with a coat of sweat and pulsating legs. The downside is if I can't run for a bit. Then I can't get my fix and I actually need to deal with stress. Is my addict falling into my running? How do I work that out? It boggles me you can be addicted to something "good". And I have no intention for running something like the comrades' marathon or anything. (Especially if it's the "up" route from durban to pietermaritzburg. UGH! Why run away from the ocean!???)

    Anywho

    to those interested, I have been working real hard to change. My mind games have greatly reduced and I don't constantly seek the cherry on top. Perhaps I'm in withdrawal, who knows, which is why I did what I did earlier this week. But I didn't curtail to porn, obsessed gazing, masturbation. So something must be different. Or perhaps it's too early to say.

    It has been two months. Two good, clean, healthy months. I've lost so much weight; I'm fitting into clothes I wrote off previously. It's like I went on a shopping spree! I love that feeling!

    And I feel I speak to Hashem most when on a run. I find it a very strangely spiritual experience. First, I ask him to take me up the hill. Then I pour my heart out about my lust and ask Him to remove it. To help me. And I do that as the morning birds chirp, not a car on the road. It's my Tikkun Chatzos.

    Anyways, for those who didn't TL:DR, here's your reward, tomorrow's winning lottery numbers:

    8   23   7   44   15  26  and the bonus is 19
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 13 Feb 2017 08:30 #305687

    • Singularity
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    I'm so addicted to this stuff, it's crazy 

    My wife's first cousin once removed (and I ACTUALLY think that's right!!! Mother's cousin, no?)
    have 5 daughters.

    We go there for shabbos occasionally.

    4 of them are meh. One of them, just how she does things, triggers me massively.
    Saying it because there was a family gathering yesterday and she tends to skip on the border of what's considered tzniyus. Shame. If only she knew a sex-crazed monster was eyeing her. She might do things differently. See rav Orlofsky's shiur on platonic relationships.

    But she's not the problem. I know that already. Heck, let her wear a bikini in front of me. I gotta deal with it myself.

    I wonder why she just became a trigger all of a sudden. I was okay a few weeks ago. Didn't even think of it.

    I wonder if I need to go to all these big (wife's) family gatherings. Though I wouldn't know how to get out of it. And people would ask.
    BH still clean. And even though somewhat aroused and thoughts a little sour, I didn't pursue sex. Being overtired from kids also helps, haha. I asked God several times to remove this lust from me, and on the whole, the occasion was pleasant; my wife and I sat on a bench while our kids were being looked after by others. We talked about life and stuff. A fun Sunday.

    Just the problem is my minds is slowly becoming preoccupied with the shmutz. I want it to stop. I reach out here, help newbies, chat with guys on telegram and whatsapp and am looking forward to our SAA meeting tonight. It's been a long time clean and I've never been this honest about it all. I feel they're good signs.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 13 Feb 2017 08:45 #305695

    Wow thanks for the update 

    Sorry to hear that the going is tough right now but this is a sure sign that you are on the right track new challenges just mean that you are growing don't let it get to you 

    KOMT/S
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 13 Feb 2017 12:27 #305705

    • Hashem Help Me
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    It says alot that you stayed clean after such a trigger. You should be giving brochos to people! Do you realize what you did?! This is going to sound like a contradiction - Be proud of your humility!

    P.S. Try to avoid the gatherings. And if you really have to go daven that you not see what for you is a trigger and put out a post that we should all say some tehillim in your zchus. Leaving your glasses at home "by mistake" may also help.....
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Feb 2017 08:07 #305996

    • Singularity
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    Allright guys here's the dealio

    I've had loads of free time at work because I work on a system I developed that needs sporadic changes and works fine for the most part. My work is minimal but crucial. I leave, the system crumbles, the business is largely over.

    I hate to use that leverage because they've been so good to me. Big raise, ability to leave at 1 on Fridays with no salary cut.

    But we met yesterday and (obviously) they could see I didn't do much in the day. So I'm now working in analysis as well and I hope that would pick up too. It is a good thing for my own sanity that I actually work at work. Only good thing is I've had lots of free time to post here. So I might slow down my activity, but PG won't leave.

    The meeting was scary because it was all my fears brought to the open. And my heart was racing and still a bit afterwards. And the email saying "If this doesn't work out, we can't continue", which scared me too. Because we have 2 kids (+1) and one income stream which itself is not enough. Lots of debt. And if I had to leave, well, we'd still have lots of debt and no money whatsoever. However I have a loving wife and beautiful family with very supportive in-laws. And some things I can't control. I guess that's the Serenity Prayer right there. So I took a deep breath, and told myself "You know, you knew this email was gonna come, this meeting was gonna happen. So just give it your all, make the most of it, and if it doesn't work, well, it's in the realm of God now. I've tried my best."

    And I knocked down a lot of "scared-to-death" tasks that are slowly chipping away at my ego. I submitted a Section 18a to the tax authorities to try reduce a second horrid tax payment. I emailed all clients to demand they pay their invoices. And I phoned the school's principal to discuss discounts and financial assistance. It's another way of letting go.

    I wonder of that statement, Basar An'ya Azlah An'yusa.
    I'll explain.

    I know at least two guys. Around my age. Married for much longer than I. Rich. Parents are doctors/rabbis. One of them I think is in big business. And they have yet to even fall pregnant. Once. 

    I think, "Imagine that. Take the school fees, paediatrician appointments and all extra food, prams, cots etc and put that away every month. Man, after all this time you'd be mad rich. But you were already mad rich!

    So now you're stark, ravin' mad rich!

    And take my wife and me. Both from very humble families. Parents struggling. Never had really any money. Degrees, yes. But not so effective. Humble job with BH a good pay, well, if you were a single guy. 

    And we've been blessed with 2 kids. A third on the way, b'Sha'ah Tovah.

    Now I'm not saying this is always the rule. But I find it strange how it applied to the aforementioned concept.

    Which is the greater brocha?

    Now money and I are not good friends. I have an unhealthy relationship with it. How I grew up, the constant fights my parents had about money, how it affected me and my thinking, heck I didn't even want to spend time with a parent if he/she had no money. Like, what's wrong with you!?

    But my wife has a wonderful relationship with money. Especially my credit card! (Jokes).
    But she has her priorities right. And a good hashkofa from her Rebitzen.

    So if we struggle with money, it's a hit to my esteem. I can't provide. And worse than worse, I am like... MY FATHER....

    But I know I'm not. But it's hard to shake it off. More important than money is just being there for the kids. Just be there. And emotionally, too. And BH I'm working on that.

    So that's where I stand. Life is really scary. But it's the thrill of the fear that's worth living for. And I look back to the "good times" of a bochur. All things provided for me, I can masturbate whenever I want, etc.
    And I become ever grateful of the functional person I am now.

    And thanks to all of you for accompanying me on the journey. It's been a great one so far. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Feb 2017 12:09 #306006

    I'll post something quick 

    I too am very tight on cash and every time that we save money something happens that we that we have to spend what we saved up and sometimes more than that
    It used to bother me but then we talked about it and came up with this "look" at the situation
    True we are struggling but how many people have to pend their money on good things like clothes for kids food .... and even when it is for a medical reason B"H t's only the regular doctor visits for the kids (ear infections colds...) or dental work and not something else much worse chv"s
    B"H thses are the money problems we have

    Thanks for reminding me about this as this morning was one of those times that I forgot about this
    May we continue seeing the love from Hashem and not have to see it in worse situations 
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Feb 2017 13:55 #306012

    • Markz
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    Singularity wrote on 16 Feb 2017 08:07:
    Allright guys here's the dealio

    I've had loads of free time at work because I work on a system I developed that needs sporadic changes and works fine for the most part. My work is minimal but crucial. I leave, the system crumbles, the business is largely over.

    I hate to use that leverage because they've been so good to me. Big raise, ability to leave at 1 on Fridays with no salary cut.

    But we met yesterday and (obviously) they could see I didn't do much in the day. So I'm now working in analysis as well and I hope that would pick up too. It is a good thing for my own sanity that I actually work at work. Only good thing is I've had lots of free time to post here. So I might slow down my activity, but PG won't leave.

    The meeting was scary because it was all my fears brought to the open. And my heart was racing and still a bit afterwards. And the email saying "If this doesn't work out, we can't continue", which scared me too. Because we have 2 kids (+1) and one income stream which itself is not enough. Lots of debt. And if I had to leave, well, we'd still have lots of debt and no money whatsoever. However I have a loving wife and beautiful family with very supportive in-laws. And some things I can't control. I guess that's the Serenity Prayer right there. So I took a deep breath, and told myself "You know, you knew this email was gonna come, this meeting was gonna happen. So just give it your all, make the most of it, and if it doesn't work, well, it's in the realm of God now. I've tried my best."

    And I knocked down a lot of "scared-to-death" tasks that are slowly chipping away at my ego. I submitted a Section 18a to the tax authorities to try reduce a second horrid tax payment. I emailed all clients to demand they pay their invoices. And I phoned the school's principal to discuss discounts and financial assistance. It's another way of letting go.

    I wonder of that statement, Basar An'ya Azlah An'yusa.
    I'll explain.

    I know at least two guys. Around my age. Married for much longer than I. Rich. Parents are doctors/rabbis. One of them I think is in big business. And they have yet to even fall pregnant. Once. 

    I think, "Imagine that. Take the school fees, paediatrician appointments and all extra food, prams, cots etc and put that away every month. Man, after all this time you'd be mad rich. But you were already mad rich!

    So now you're stark, ravin' mad rich!

    And take my wife and me. Both from very humble families. Parents struggling. Never had really any money. Degrees, yes. But not so effective. Humble job with BH a good pay, well, if you were a single guy. 

    And we've been blessed with 2 kids. A third on the way, b'Sha'ah Tovah.

    Now I'm not saying this is always the rule. But I find it strange how it applied to the aforementioned concept.

    Which is the greater brocha?

    Now money and I are not good friends. I have an unhealthy relationship with it. How I grew up, the constant fights my parents had about money, how it affected me and my thinking, heck I didn't even want to spend time with a parent if he/she had no money. Like, what's wrong with you!?

    But my wife has a wonderful relationship with money. Especially my credit card! (Jokes).
    But she has her priorities right. And a good hashkofa from her Rebitzen.

    So if we struggle with money, it's a hit to my esteem. I can't provide. And worse than worse, I am like... MY FATHER....

    But I know I'm not. But it's hard to shake it off. More important than money is just being there for the kids. Just be there. And emotionally, too. And BH I'm working on that.

    So that's where I stand. Life is really scary. But it's the thrill of the fear that's worth living for. And I look back to the "good times" of a bochur. All things provided for me, I can masturbate whenever I want, etc.
    And I become ever grateful of the functional person I am now.

    And thanks to all of you for accompanying me on the journey. It's been a great one so far. 

    I heard family of mine say they're not ready to have another child because of financial struggles. It's nonsense, because if you look around the world you'll see that the wealthy people are generally the ones that don't have many kids. It has more to do with your appreciation of building your beautiful family than the size of your mattress (you keep your cash under there - right?)

    Sing, I wish you well at your work whatever happens and...

    KOS!

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    on
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    Last Edit: 16 Feb 2017 19:19 by Markz.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 16 Feb 2017 22:29 #306026

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    I love you, Singularity. You are so honest and funny. Hatzlacha Rabah.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 17 Feb 2017 08:54 #306062

    • Singularity
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    Thanks guys :-)

    Mayan - Yeah BH things aren't worse. If they were, I'd be richer because the medical aid would pay for it all!!!!! hahaha...

    But what do I really want?

    Markz: I may disclose the location of my mattress. Though you'd need a microscope to find it. Or a black hole (I'm hoarding negative money here)

    Thanks Shlomo I love you too.

    I'm not sick, BH, but I'm not 100% okay either, sadly. My running is put on hold for a bit. Now it's the real test. Where do I get my dopamine release?

    And I don't want to make myself feel ashamed because I overslept today. Perhaps I needed the rest. It's not a common occurrence. And we do have a non-sleeping baby, haha.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 08:38 #306226

    • Singularity
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    Friday night was a nightmare. Baby woke up, screaming uncontrollably and we couldn't do anything about it. And I acted like a baby, resentful, angry etc. All he wanted was a pickle, lol, but it took a LONG time to discover that. 

    I didn't really leave the house all of Saturday. I was quite angry at God.. no money, no friends, too hard to crack into the community and on top of the distance, a very low social skill modus as well... And I wasn't feeling well. And for some reason I was guilting myself about not running. I know. Insanity, right?

    Didn't go to shul, did my famous 15-minute-service at home. I feel cold from Yiddishkeit, despite learning a bit and going to shiur. Davening in a minyan for the most part.

    I still feel whenever people speak to me, it's an attack and an affront to something I've done "wrong" and I become defensive and try get away quickly. And once I've walked away I'm like, "Why the hell did I do that? He was just wanting to talk!"

    Especially if someone talks to me "out of the blue". I knoowww it's about something they want, or something I'm doing wrong, or something.

    Is that a problem? So what if they want something? I gotta get over it.

    So now I'm kinda OK that I'm not feeling well. At peace with it. BH my wife let me sleep a lot yesterday and this morning. She's amazing with the kids. On a whole different level. 

    The weekend was sucky. Sunday was fun. Shabbos was sucky.

    I realise where we live is no longer a good thing. I'm too depressed. Our place is tiny; I feel embarrassed having guests.
    I feel embarrassed going out to people around our age, with nice big places, pools, gardens, an actual playroom and the space to host more than 1 person. It's a South African mentality, I know. So I believe a bigger place is an actual need, because I just can't handle the inadequateness of my own designs.

    Or is it a real need? I'd like some advice from here. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 12:03 #306237

    Wow you disappear for a while and I get no less than 11 notifications that someone posted and 11 were from you.... nice to hear from you again!  

    Sorry to hear that you havin a rough time hope it gets better soon.
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 15:08 #306268

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Singularity wrote on 20 Feb 2017 08:38:
    Friday night was a nightmare. Baby woke up, screaming uncontrollably and we couldn't do anything about it. And I acted like a baby, resentful, angry etc. All he wanted was a pickle, lol, but it took a LONG time to discover that. 


    Sounds like my wife when she was expecting
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 20:18 #306320

    • Hashem Help Me
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    Singularity, sorry you are having a rough time . It sounds like you are beating yourself up a bit too much. At the same time living in a neighborhood and getting depressed from the neighbor's wealth, etc. can get a person down. Do you have a rav you can turn to to discuss this with? Wishing you true simchas hachaim!
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

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    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 23:56 #306338

    • cordnoy
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    I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff.

    It's a tough question to answer, even if we would know all the minute details. What constitutes a need and what is regardedI as a want? I surely don't know. I wish you clarity, for that leads to happiness.

    Can you discuss the house issue with your wife?
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 20 Feb 2017 23:58 #306339

    • cordnoy
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    Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 20 Feb 2017 15:08:

    Singularity wrote on 20 Feb 2017 08:38:
    Friday night was a nightmare. Baby woke up, screaming uncontrollably and we couldn't do anything about it. And I acted like a baby, resentful, angry etc. All he wanted was a pickle, lol, but it took a LONG time to discover that. 



    Sounds like my wife when she was expecting

    Just hope it didn't take you THAT long.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Feb 2017 08:02 #306364

    • Singularity
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    cordnoy wrote on 20 Feb 2017 23:56:
    I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff.

    It's a tough question to answer, even if we would know all the minute details. What constitutes a need and what is regardedI as a want? I surely don't know. I wish you clarity, for that leads to happiness.

    Can you discuss the house issue with your wife?

    I have, on several occasions. 

    Problem is I feel quite dry in my Yiddishkeit.
    Dov explains the issue in Rav Twerski's new book, but he says it will bounce back with more enriched, real Judaism as opposed to the fake semantics I've been doing so far.

    And I understand that. I just feel like, if I don't daven we won't get anything, haha. But I know God doesn't work that way. Well I hope so. And I try, sometimes.

    Hmm. Just gotta KOT. Thanks everyone here for all the luvs.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 21 Feb 2017 12:34 #306371

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 21 Feb 2017 08:02:

    cordnoy wrote on 20 Feb 2017 23:56:
    I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff.

    It's a tough question to answer, even if we would know all the minute details. What constitutes a need and what is regardedI as a want? I surely don't know. I wish you clarity, for that leads to happiness.

    Can you discuss the house issue with your wife?

    I have, on several occasions. 

    Problem is I feel quite dry in my Yiddishkeit.
    Dov explains the issue in Rav Twerski's new book, but he says it will bounce back with more enriched, real Judaism as opposed to the fake semantics I've been doing so far.

    And I understand that. I just feel like, if I don't daven we won't get anything, haha. But I know God doesn't work that way. Well I hope so. And I try, sometimes.

    Hmm. Just gotta KOT. Thanks everyone here for all the luvs.

    Sorry, but I am not followin'.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 28 Feb 2017 10:35 #307031

    • Singularity
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    cordnoy wrote on 21 Feb 2017 12:34:

    Singularity wrote on 21 Feb 2017 08:02:

    cordnoy wrote on 20 Feb 2017 23:56:
    I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff.

    It's a tough question to answer, even if we would know all the minute details. What constitutes a need and what is regardedI as a want? I surely don't know. I wish you clarity, for that leads to happiness.

    Can you discuss the house issue with your wife?

    I have, on several occasions. 

    Problem is I feel quite dry in my Yiddishkeit.
    Dov explains the issue in Rav Twerski's new book, but he says it will bounce back with more enriched, real Judaism as opposed to the fake semantics I've been doing so far.

    And I understand that. I just feel like, if I don't daven we won't get anything, haha. But I know God doesn't work that way. Well I hope so. And I try, sometimes.

    Hmm. Just gotta KOT. Thanks everyone here for all the luvs.

    Sorry, but I am not followin'.

    Maybe I wasn't followin' my'sel'f'.

    Hmm..

    Will he do it......?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 12:01 #307136

    • Markz
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    KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

    .
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 12:03 #307137

    • cordnoy
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    Mazel tov.

    Continued hatzlachah.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 12:59 #307141

    • Singularity
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    BH

    Thank God we're not alcoholics; let's crack open the champagne.

    Now real life has a chance to begin.

    Check-in: Last night, at Maariv, these two secular teenagers came together to say kaddish. They've been coming around the minyanim around here, guess just to honour their mother/father whom they lost, or something. It's heartbreaking. And I'm standing there saying to myself, "Oh, I'll walk up to them, shake their hands! Say I'm so moved by them etc..." Then I got anxious because that's well I don't just do stuff like that.

    Then I stopped.

    Perhaps that's not my tachlis. I'm not an outgoing guy. Why do I waste so much energy on stuff like this? And I never do it. Why can't I just nod in solemn admiration and take a lesson home with me, quietly. That's my avodah. 

    Well, KOT y'all. Thanks for all your support.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 13:09 #307142

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 01 Mar 2017 12:59:
    BH

    Thank God we're not alcoholics; let's crack open the champagne.

    Speak for hic yourself.

    AndI besides, we thank God for hic everythin', no matter what we are.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 13:18 #307143

    • Shlomo24
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    Singularity wrote on 01 Mar 2017 12:59:
    BH

    Thank God we're not alcoholics; let's crack open the champagne.

    Speak for yourself. 

    HATZLACHA! KUTGW. One Day At A Time.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 15:51 #307149

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    Mazeltov!!!!

    Kiddush!!
    Pass the boerewors and biltong.
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 15:59 #307150

    • Markz
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    Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 01 Mar 2017 15:51:
    Mazeltov!!!!

    Kiddush!!
    Pass the boerewors and biltong.

    My friend says "Chay the boerewors..." 
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 18:27 #307161

    Mazel Tov! So great! 

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 20:05 #307172

    • cordnoy
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 01 Mar 2017 13:18:

    Singularity wrote on 01 Mar 2017 12:59:
    BH

    Thank God we're not alcoholics; let's crack open the champagne.


    Speak for yourself. 

    HATZLACHA! KUTGW. One Day At A Time.

    If I am shlomo, and singularity is really laughingman, and gevurah's wife is sing's baby, how is Markz related to SG?
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 20:57 #307178

    Markz Gevura Cords
    Whatever happened to the woodford?!?!?!?!?
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 21:33 #307186

    • Gevura Shebyesod
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    We drank it all up!! *hic 
    !אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

    וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

    And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
    And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
    And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
    I'll help you see it through...

    My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

    Re: Singularity's Journey 01 Mar 2017 21:39 #307190

    • Markz
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    Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 01 Mar 2017 21:33:
    We drank it all up!! *hic 

    Isnt that what powers your Monstah Truck?
    Nothing to spare? Your tank is empty???? 
    My Story---------Dov Quotes


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 02 Mar 2017 09:59 #307224

    • Singularity
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    Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 01 Mar 2017 15:51:
    Mazeltov!!!!

    Kiddush!!
    Pass the boerewors and biltong.

    Meaty Kiddush!????

    How's about we klap some melk tart?

    Thanks all for the beautiful posts! I will change my "over 90" thing in my signature to mark(z) the occasion
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Mar 2017 03:37 #307315

    • Markz
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Mar 2017 06:12 #307327

    • bb0212
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    MAZAL TOV! May you be blessed with 90 more 90's!
    My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

    Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Mar 2017 07:43 #307334

    • Singularity
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    Thanks BB! 

    Well, my thread's been dumping grounds for images since its inception. Why stop now?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


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    Re: Singularity's Journey 05 Mar 2017 04:45 #307421

    • silentbattle
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    Many more...one day at a time.

    In regards to reaching out...that sounds like something you should discuss with someone who knows you IRL. That can help you figure out whether this is an area you should be pushing your boundaries in, or leaving alone.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 05 Mar 2017 23:06 #307504

    Singularity

    Thanks for bein the source of todays chizuk email 
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Mar 2017 08:14 #307546

    • Singularity
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 05 Mar 2017 23:06:
    Singularity

    Thanks for bein the source of todays chizuk email 

    It's only my pleasure!

    Big stuff,

    I told my rebbe about it all. The lust, the addiction, what I've been doing. I wanted to do a more solid 5th step and also have someone who knows me more, less anonymously, know what I'm going through. I didn't ask for help, per se, but I told him of my journey, what tools I'm using. I found it beneficial because he must pasken for us, but he must know me. And it will lead to better decisions I think.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Mar 2017 12:09 #307558

    • Hashem Help Me
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    Great and courageous move.
    Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

    My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                        My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Mar 2017 19:11 #307592

    • Shlomo24
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    MayanHamisgaber wrote on 05 Mar 2017 23:06:
    Singularity

    Thanks for bein the source of todays chizuk email 

    Can someone forward me the email? My email is in my signature.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 06 Mar 2017 20:29 #307596

    • Shlomo24
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    Thanks for all the responses.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Mar 2017 01:13 #307615

    • cordnoy
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 06 Mar 2017 20:29:
    Thanks for all the responses.

    II hope you weren't sarcastic.

    I didn't see the email.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Mar 2017 02:16 #307617

    • Shlomo24
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    I was not sarcastic. I got 5 emails.
    What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

    "I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

    My thread: Big Steps

    Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Mar 2017 02:21 #307618

    • cordnoy
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    Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Mar 2017 02:16:
    I was not sarcastic. I got 5 emails.

    B"H!

    Mi k'amcha Yisroel!
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Mar 2017 08:46 #307632

    • Singularity
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    Anyone wish to nitpick my chizuk email?
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 07 Mar 2017 15:03 #307684

    • Singularity
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    Anywho

    So on Sunday I did a 19.3km route! And about 18.6km of that was continuous running! I love going far, to places you think you can only go by car. And in the early hours of the morning as the sun rose. 

    Now I've never run this far before. And I realised something.

    The deeper you get into something, the trickier you need to get.

    So short runs, sure. No need to eat or drink in between. Maybe have a tiny boost before, but usually you're good to go. Longer runs, however, require more tact. On several points.

    I gotta learn how to eat / drink in between. And I read that means I need to walk in between because gulping and running is dangerous. And I need to learn how life is not just one big run. There are times to slow down. It's a big step for me.

    I ate healthily for 4 weeks, BH. So we got mad amounts of sushi. But I couldn't finish it all. I said, "Well, I'll leave some over for lunch tomorrow." My wife was shocked. She was like, "You actually realise that you don't have to finish it all now?"

    Maybe I did.

    Maybe not everything needs to be fixed at the same time. That's a lustful behaviour. If it don't get fixed, I'ma get my fix!

    I think the lust is a lot looser on me. That's profound. 
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 09 Mar 2017 21:49 #307938

    That's some serious running!

    I think (for what it's worth) that you're spot on about perfection feeding addictions. If a person is content he wouldn't look for something to alter his mind-state. He feels good as is.

    Sometimes we say we're going to do something positive like volunteering or learn something extra to change our mind-state, sometimes it will be a fix. 

    Nothing can tempt a man who's content. 

    (These ideas are discussed in the book I wrote about on my thread) 

    Re: Singularity's Journey 12 Mar 2017 01:56 #308011

    • silentbattle
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    That is some really nice running - awesome! As for not needing to fix everything at once...that exactly the point of "one day at a time," isn't it? We're not aiming for always perfect, forever - we're aiming for living in the solution, for improvement. 

    Re: Singularity's Journey 13 Mar 2017 13:59 #308045

    • Singularity
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    Thanks all, for your love.

    Slowly digesting the ODAAT. It does make things a lot calmer. Just gotta sit in the problem sometimes.

    Parnossa troubles big time. And I asked for a raise and was rejected, but on the grounds of "We don't really know if you're valuable; we're determining it, so we can't possible also give you a raise".

    Very dejecting, for sure. Yes, the other department I was in (check the history of my thread) I really disliked, but does that mean my name is blackened forever? Hell, If I were to leave, the whole system will crash. And if that were to happen c"v then I'll tell em straight, I'm leaving for good, 100%, I'm not fixing up your system unless you hire me as a freelancer and pay me the hundreds of dollars an hour you'd have to get an expert technician to come and fix the system. 

    Not sure if the work is now taking advantage of me.

    Though I am grateful for the current parnossah. But with seemingly no growth prospects in this company and debt of around $5000, another kid coming and no end to expenses, I am at a total loss.

    Cannot see the next step

    I surrender it, whatever it is. Hashem. Take me to where you want me to be.
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Mar 2017 10:06 #309679

    • Singularity
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    I read through my thread. I see the posts are getting progressively more depressing.

    But I want to think I'm a happy guy.

    BH all is going well. 

    Though boy do I want to act out! GRR!!....

    BH Haven't raped anyone in a long time

    Women are unnerving me. I flipped through a magazine yesterday, about food and recipes, 'cause I thought maybe there'd be some woman. There was. I put it down. Ugh.

    Getting caught up in my head. Played a good game of squash yesterday.

    My truck's on an icy patch for sure!!!!
    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
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    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Mar 2017 10:11 #309680

    • Singularity
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    SINGULARITY STOOOOORMMM!!!

    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
    "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

    One day... At A Time :-D


    Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
    My Thread

    Re: Singularity's Journey 30 Mar 2017 13:17 #309693

    • cordnoy
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    Singularity wrote on 30 Mar 2017 10:06:
    I read through my thread. I see the posts are getting progressively more depressing.

    But I want to think I'm a happy guy.

    BH all is going well. 

    Though boy do I want to act out! GRR!!....

    BH Haven't raped anyone in a long time

    Women are unnerving me. I flipped through a magazine yesterday, about food and recipes, 'cause I thought maybe there'd be some woman. There was. I put it down. Ugh.

    Getting caught up in my head. Played a good game of squash yesterday.

    My truck's on an icy patch for sure!!!!

    Eat the squash and play with your woman.
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 02 Apr 2017 13:18 #309878

    Singularity wrote on 30 Mar 2017 10:11:
    SINGULARITY STOOOOORMMM!!!


    You are 118 days to late
    my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











    very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Apr 2017 00:38 #309912

    • Hakolhevel
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    Just finished reading you whole thread, great story. Keep up the great work, and keep on singin' (you see I picked up something).

    BTW who started the whole trucking business, is it markz?

    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Apr 2017 01:04 #309914

    • cordnoy
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    Hakolhevel wrote on 03 Apr 2017 00:38:
    Just finished reading you whole thread, great story. Keep up the great work, and keep on singin' (you see I picked up something).

    BTW who started the whole trucking business, is it markz?

    Singin'.....?

    What's with the other words?
    My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
    My threads:
    GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

    If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
    "Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
    "The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


    Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

    MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

    Re: Singularity's Journey 03 Apr 2017 01:13 #309915

    • Markz
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    Hakolhevel wrote on 03 Apr 2017 00:38:
    Just finished reading you whole thread, great story. Keep up the great work, and keep on singin' (you see I picked up something).

    BTW who started the whole trucking business, is it markz?

    I was in diapers trading toy trucks when it was instituted by the REBBE from Bardsville

    guardyoureyes.com/forum/advsearch?q=Keep+on+trucking&searchdate=all&order=inc&limit=20

    KEEP ON TRUCKKING

    My Story---------Dov Quotes


    What works for me:
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    Last Edit: 03 Apr 2017 02:04 by Markz.