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TOPIC: Here we go 39350 Views

Re: Here we go 12 Jun 2017 04:54 #315064

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Aryeh821 wrote on 11 Jun 2017 21:06:
feeling very unworthy
unworthy of G-ds love
His forgivness
my love for myself
maybe i dont deserve to get up and keep trying-make that start trying 

I have been where it seems you are right now. It hurts to think that after being so rebellious and committing so many things, hashem can still forgive you. It feels like a cheat code. We all know that there is no reset button in the real world.... But hashem tells us otherwise. Hashem knows we will make mistakes and he knows we will make them over and over again. Ever think about how insanely repetitive our prayers to hashem are? Its the same main shmoneh esrai three times a day, you would think We'd get the point of something after saying it a million times. But hashem knows how humans operate, and we operate in such a way that we need constant reminders in order stay in the true and righteous path. We need constant reminders because we are constantly challenged. Challenged internally and externally. 
You know, I use to think that if I could just stop watching forbidden films and wasting seed, that I would be the biggest tzadik. I thought, Once I stopped I would never have trouble with these aveiras again. This thought process was wrong.
What I have come to realize from learning Tanya and other hashkafos, is that we can't ever think of ourselves or imagine ourselves  comepletely defeating the yezter hara. Rather we need to think of ourselves as soldiers in the battlefield. A soldier is on constant alert for the enemy and a soldier must learn and know his mission. He will plan out his movements from one position to the next and then must follow his plan perfectly of he wants to survive. Traversing the battle ground with care and caution He can win the small gun fights with the enemy that can break out at anytime.
The soldier must always practice and prepare for battle as this is the only way he will be ready for a sudden right.
But there is one thing the soldier has up his sleeve, he has a commander that knows the enemy better than the enemy knows itself. This commander wrote a book that guides the soldier through the battlefield step by step. Other high ranking personnel wrote commentaries that explain the strategy even more in depth. The soldier has these at his disposal. 
hashem wants us to be soldiers and he knows we will not win every fight. Its almost impossible to always win, but it is possible. And since he knows we will fail, he has made avenues for us to regain our rank and continue moving forward to the next battle that must be won. Think, he would only give us the opportunity to do teshuvah if he thought we could accomplish our mission, and we can. I can't say that I have won many battles myself, but in learning my mission more every day and I feel that the tide of my war is turning and I'm on the winning side. Much hatzalcha to you. Hope this can help.

Re: Here we go 09 Jul 2017 04:12 #316897

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B''H for the first time in 5 years or so ive reached three weeks!!!
im really doing  some intense work with my psychologist and hes hooked my up with someone that im going to hopefully work the steps with
one of the most painful things now is guys in yeshivah telling me the porn related problems that they have and they dont want help thinking they can do it all themselves when unfortunately its is plainly obvious  they cant - it feels like standing at the bottom of a pit and watching someone climbing down ignoring your warnings that its muuuuuuch harder to go up than down and the number just keeps growing 
just thought i would check in if anyone is interested in my progress
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 
Last Edit: 09 Jul 2017 04:13 by Aryeh821.

Re: Here we go 09 Jul 2017 04:25 #316898

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Aryeh821 wrote on 09 Jul 2017 04:12:
B''H for the first time in 5 years or so ive reached three weeks!!!
im really doing  some intense work with my psychologist and hes hooked my up with someone that im going to hopefully work the steps with
one of the most painful things now is guys in yeshivah telling me the porn related problems that they have and they dont want help thinking they can do it all themselves when unfortunately its is plainly obvious  they cant - it feels like standing at the bottom of a pit and watching someone climbing down ignoring your warnings that its muuuuuuch harder to go up than down and the number just keeps growing 
just thought i would check in if anyone is interested in my progress

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Re: Here we go 09 Jul 2017 04:43 #316900

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Super news. We are all davening you keep it up. Keep connected.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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Re: Here we go 11 Oct 2017 04:21 #321013

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Hey all so its a really special day for me today (Hoshanah raba)
its both a Yartzieght of someone really close to me and my birthday
becuase a year ago today i finally stopped playing my stupid endlest game going round and round begging and begging to be let off when it was i who was keeping myself there
A year ago today the Aryeh who hid in the darkness died.Mostly becuase of a Shmuz by my mashgiach and Dov i told my father a year ago today
I havent been clean since then nor have i come close to where i want to be 
but i think im also pretty far from where the Yetzer Hora wants me to be 
Because of telling my father i now see a psychologist which has helped immensely and most of the devices in my house have filters
I also told My mashgiach which helped alot and check in with him once a week and have an invite to call one of my friends whenever need be 
Ive gone from struggling to be two days clean too over a month
Ive gone from using every opportunity for porn to living in a house for a week with unfiltered internet and not touching it 
Most importantly Ive gone from being resigned to living in the darkness to being resigned to always search for light 
Im not sharing to boast or anything mostly to thank G-d because today i am one year old this new me the one who keeps pushing when i have nothing left,who is brutally honest with my self my psychologist and G-d(the truth realllllllllly hurts sometimes)and finally finally sees the shadow of the light at the end of the tunnel even though im nowhere near it
its also a share to maybe inspire someone give them hope and maybe say you know what if he can do it maybe us too, maybe i will open up to a rebbi/parent ETC(obviously dont be stupid about it and tell someone if you know they will react badly)
Becuase at the end of the day יש תקוה
a good kvitel to everyone 
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 

Re: Here we go 15 Oct 2017 13:42 #321073

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Thanks for the inspiration and for sharing such a healthy attitude about this messy subject. You should iyh have hatzlocha and help many others.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Here we go 14 Jan 2018 04:55 #325425

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Hey Chevra here with my not so regular update
it's going to be brief because i'm in a little of a rush i might expand at a later time or maybe not
Wednesday will B''H be about 4 months clean ( my last time was a little bit before Rosh Hashana not exactly sure so just made that my starting point)
i remember all those days weeks years begging pleading sobbing to Him to help me send someone my way to help me and be disapointed every year as nothing came my way and of course me never doing anything to make it come
until the day when eventually pushed in a big part by Dov(major Shoutout) i told my father after to that it all fell in to place i got the most amazing support group sent to me by Him my frum psychologist mashgiach older friend and three amazing friends just to name a few 
you see i had to to take the first step no matter how small and He will carried me the rest 
Not that it was alwyas smooth sailing it definalty wasn't but at least I'm sailing 
Hatzlacha Raba to Everyone
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 

Re: Here we go 14 Jan 2018 04:55 #325426

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Hey Chevra here with my not so regular update
it's going to be brief because i'm in a little of a rush i might expand at a later time or maybe not
Wednesday will B''H be about 4 months clean ( my last time was a little bit before Rosh Hashana not exactly sure so just made that my starting point)
i remember all those days weeks years begging pleading sobbing to Him to help me send someone my way to help me and be disapointed every year as nothing came my way and of course me never doing anything to make it come
until the day when eventually pushed in a big part by Dov(major Shoutout) i told my father after to that it all fell in to place i got the most amazing support group sent to me by Him my frum psychologist mashgiach older friend and three amazing friends just to name a few 
you see i had to to take the first step no matter how small and He will carried me the rest 
Not that it was alwyas smooth sailing it definalty wasn't but at least I'm sailing 
Hatzlacha Raba to Everyone
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 

Re: Here we go 14 Jan 2018 16:32 #325462

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Awesome!!!!!

KOT :-)
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Re: Here we go 29 Jan 2018 03:18 #326093

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Honesty honesty honesty,  that's it brother. 
gd bless

Re: Here we go 29 Jan 2018 07:13 #326096

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Aryeh821 wrote:
one of the most painful things now is guys in yeshivah telling me the porn related problems that they have and they dont want help thinking they can do it all themselves when unfortunately its is plainly obvious  they cant 

why dont you send them to gye , if you know their emails ,gye has a thing that they can send  an email to them saying "someone" thought you needed help in this,youd be doing them a great favor!go to the Special Resources​ button on top ,and then go to the Help Someone Anonymously button ,hatzlacha!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Here we go 25 Feb 2018 04:17 #327427

  • Aryeh821
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Hi All so im updating today cause truth is truth 
​so i fell on Wednesday after five and a half months i kind of saw it coming i discussed it with my psychologist 
i just felt like i needed to tell you not just my good news but all news 
a freilichin purim
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 

Re: Here we go 25 Feb 2018 05:31 #327437

Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you have the support you need to pick yourself up and keep going. Hatzlacha!

Re: Here we go 08 Mar 2018 13:14 #327940

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The best news you are still here, I had from 1972 had victory only here and there, some times months of victory, yet then around 800 day ago I found Guard your eyes, I found the missing pieces where I had been falling, I found more secret of victory, and maintenance, your will be the same, setback will be more and more apart of your past, thanks for the update.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: Here we go 09 Jul 2018 21:25 #333146

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hey all its been a while 
ive had a ton of up and downs still the last post but its a lot harder to post these days since my computer is totally of limits to me since the filter sometimes spazzes and even with it there sites i can access so as of now tottaly off limits                                     
skipping to the chase just started on a new streak heres some things which have really helped in the past plus some new ones this time round not saying they are going to work for everyone or anyone just sharing my journey 
1) I intensly dislike the summer (dont want to use hate on one of G-Ds creations)
2) 30$ knas if i watch porn or masturbate with out calling a friend first nothing on the actual acting out just on before acting out ( I love this guy everybody should be zocheh to have a friend like this)
3) Computer being off limits
4) i have to check with my friend at the end of each day 
5) learn a little bit of the sefer Zos Brisi every night before bed (not getting in to the whole torah addiction aspect it works for me suck it up if you dont like it)
6) doing at least ten minutes a day of the book gentle path through the twelve steps given to me by my psychologist (same thing as before if you dont like the twelve steps suck it up it works for me not interested in arguing)
7) having something to think about in bed while falling asleep usually torah 
8) going to my psycholosigst every week (same as my friend just awsome thanks to the one above for arranging this)
9) checking in with my Mashgiach every week 
10)ODAT
11) Reveiwing in my head the fealing that i had last fall when i had a tzad to call a friend that "i would have been happier if i had called ploni"
12) Achron chaviv would impossible without the help of G-D 
hopefully i can at least get my five months back and more 
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 
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