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My not so faithful story..
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TOPIC: My not so faithful story.. 4571 Views

Re: My not so faithful story.. 23 Jun 2015 19:48 #257516

  • serenity
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I wouldn't want my wife to run into it . No point in her suffering even more.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 23 Jun 2015 20:15 #257524

  • nomore
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Faithful,

There is a group called "Technology Awareness Group". It is free. At this point, any ideas I have are just "should of" ideas. You already implemented your idea.

For the future, there is no reason for a computer password. Make sure all computer-like equipments have porn filters and then you can use all computers.

Although you may have self control not to find out your wife's passwords, your kids will know her password before you and then they will be using a non-filtered computer.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 24 Jun 2015 16:31 #257607

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nomore wrote:
Faithful,

There is a group called "Technology Awareness Group". It is free. At this point, any ideas I have are just "should of" ideas. You already implemented your idea.

For the future, there is no reason for a computer password. Make sure all computer-like equipments have porn filters and then you can use all computers.

Although you may have self control not to find out your wife's passwords, your kids will know her password before you and then they will be using a non-filtered computer.


Thanks for the response.

You are correct that I should install a filter on my wife's laptop, but that alone will not suffice because there is enough content out there that won't be blocked (Since it's my wife's laptop, I can't have the filter settings too tight) which would be more than enough for me to keep on falling. This addiction tends to 'make do' with what is available . Thats why for me the only thing that works is Accountability. I don't even have a filter because with Accountability software, I see no point and I have never had any falls on my computer thanks to the Accountability.

At this point we don't have any kids yet, but it is something to have in mind once we do Iy"h.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 04:33 #258017

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So I had another fall last week. I felt ashamed to return here for a while, until I had a few clean days behind me. I would say the main reason the lead to my fall was an expired Topshic which I failed to renew probably on purpose.. and secondly my wife's cell phone which has no filter on it.

Earlier in this thread I mentioned that I asked my wife to set a password on her computer, I never thought her phone would be an issue since she's sleeps with it next to her. However, recently, she started leaving it outside the bedroom when she goes to sleep so that lead to my last fall.

I'm now considering asking her to change the lock on her phone to something that I don't know. I'm debating this for the last few days because on one hand if it's something that contributed to my fall, obviously I want to avoid it in the future, on the other hand, I feel like I really have no control and how much longer will I be able to set passwords on everything that comes my way? Not always are you able to set passwords and lock yourself out of things.
Any thoughts?

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 08:10 #258021

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Hey there faithful, we haven't met yet, actually, now we have!

I can plenty understand the notion of not coming back here until yo have a few clean days, the only problem I had with that was that that lasted close to a year (albeit with some breaks in middle, but nothing serious). It's great that you got 3 days so quickly and are back already!!

You mention "the main reasons" that lead to your fall, the taphsic expiring and your wife's phone being available, you do admit though that you probably did not renew the taphsic on purpose.

I would have to suggest that those are not the "main reasons" behind your falling, but rather those are the avenues and the opportunities that you used in order to fall.

As the saying goes, "Lust is not our problem, it is our solution!" We use lust as medication, as an antidote to any negative emotion that threatens our "happiness". I know that by me, feeling bored and feeling that I have no where to go in life is one of my greatest triggers. Anxiety and fear of the future, whether it be things that I have a responsibility of doing that I don't like doing, or whether it is fear of the unknown and not being in control of my life.

Those are my main reasons for lusting and falling.

Being aware of what is triggering me and talking about them to friends and Hashem (haven't done the latter in a while), is very important for me in staying clean. If I just try fighting the lust, I will end up falling, even if I have a taphsic and all my devices have filters.

It was nice meeting you

KOP!! (even after just falling coming from the big talker) KOMT!!!!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 11:01 #258027

  • shlomo613
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Hi Faithful,
Thanks for comin back so soon. Well done! And so well done for being back with a fightin spirit. It is a VERY major thing, so ashrecha.
I'm going to say something that many people here seem to not to be machsiv so much: I think it is vitally important that you secure all devices.
By doing this you are firstly reducing the opportunities for acting out, the ease of which is undoubtedly a big factor (porn was not so prevalent 30 years ago).
Secondly, by restricting every device you are makin a statement to yourself and the boirei oilam. You are saying: I truly don't want to act out; I am chucking away all those opportunities for sweet porn; Now Hashem You do Your bit.
As long as we keep some opportunities within reach, our resolve and sacrifice are not complete, and it is highly questionable that we are 100% sincere that we don't want porn.
So yes, you are right to be makin a big deal about locking down all devices.
Finally, I can say that I'm talking from experience: I've experienced repeated falls when I had insecured devices, till I made that sacrifice of denyin myself all opportunities.
I believe that some (not all) of those who say: "It's not just about lust, we need to fix our thinking", may be a little bit dishonest; they really want to hold onto that last reserve bottle of sweet porn.
Hatzlacha my friend.
Shlomo

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 11:57 #258029

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Bigmoish wrote:
faithful wrote:
I will try to have this taken care of and I will report back once this issue is taken care of. I feel this is something I need to solve first before starting anything else. I will ask her to set a password on the computer, one that I don't know and that computer will then simply be off limits to me.

My personal experience with my wife being the only separation between me and porn was a failure. She (as many women, I suspect) just didn't understand the male desire for sex and porn, and I'm not even talking about sex addicts. Invariably, the password would be something stupidly easy, and then how do I explain it to her? "Oh, honey, could you change the password again? I hacked into your laptop so I could view other women in various states of undress."
Not so easy.
In the end, like most guys with a real problem, I got busted anyway, so now she changes the passwords regularly.
But why let it come to that?

You gotta believe me when I say that I really don't like saying "I told you so."
I unfortunately have lots of personal experience with this.
Since my wife changes her password regularly, I BH have not used her phone to act out in over 2 months.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
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www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

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"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
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Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 12:10 #258031

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Welcome back!
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 12:42 #258034

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shlomo613 wrote:
Hi Faithful,
Thanks for comin back so soon. Well done! And so well done for being back with a fightin spirit. It is a VERY major thing, so ashrecha.
I'm going to say something that many people here seem to not to be machsiv so much: I think it is vitally important that you secure all devices.
By doing this you are firstly reducing the opportunities for acting out, the ease of which is undoubtedly a big factor (porn was not so prevalent 30 years ago).
Secondly, by restricting every device you are makin a statement to yourself and the boirei oilam. You are saying: I truly don't want to act out; I am chucking away all those opportunities for sweet porn; Now Hashem You do Your bit.
As long as we keep some opportunities within reach, our resolve and sacrifice are not complete, and it is highly questionable that we are 100% sincere that we don't want porn.
So yes, you are right to be makin a big deal about locking down all devices.
Finally, I can say that I'm talking from experience: I've experienced repeated falls when I had insecured devices, till I made that sacrifice of denyin myself all opportunities.
I believe that some (not all) of those who say: "It's not just about lust, we need to fix our thinking", may be a little bit dishonest; they really want to hold onto that last reserve bottle of sweet porn.
Hatzlacha my friend.
Shlomo


Although on my group I am apt to say: thank God for filters, it must somewhat come from the head, and generally speakin', every device will not be on lock down mode.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 12:55 #258035

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shlomo613 wrote:
I believe that some (not all) of those who say: "It's not just about lust, we need to fix our thinking", may be a little bit dishonest; they really want to hold onto that last reserve bottle of sweet porn.


Thank you shlomo for that brutally true post! I cannot say for certain that currently I am not of those some that you are talking about. However, I can say that there were times that I did try to entirely protect myself, but when the urge came, I found a way to get around it, I either found a new device or found loopholes in the old ones, and for last resort, there is always my imagination.

The point you are making is entirely valid, yet, as with everything, there certainly needs to be a balance. Without working on ourselves, fences are useless, and with working on ourselves we will end up distancing ourselves from opportunities (more) willingly.

This reminds me of a story that Rabbi Dr. Twerski related in his "powerless" call a little while back. He told that he had two patients, alcoholics. They both entered rehab at around the same time and were good friends. After a while one of them was seriously sober while the second had relapsed.

Rabbi Twerski asked them why one had succeeded where the second had not even though they were doing the same thing. The answer was that when they would walk down the street and there would be a bar on the street ahead, the sober patient would cross the street, whereas the now relapsed alcoholic would scoff at him and say that he didn't need to do that.

The healthy mind will allow for the right choices to be made even in situations where the opportunity does arise. The unhealthy mind will find opportunities even when none are to be found.

That's just my experience of course, and everyone is different.

KOMT Bros!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov

Re: My not so faithful story.. 29 Jun 2015 16:08 #258055

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shlomo613 wrote:

I believe that some (not all) of those who say: "It's not just about lust, we need to fix our thinking", may be a little bit dishonest; they really want to hold onto that last reserve bottle of sweet porn.
Hatzlacha my friend.
Shlomo

I want to clarify the inelegantly written paragraph above. I didn't mean in any way to disagree with the statement that the main thing is to fix our thinking. I was just saying that I get the feeling tht some people use that truism as a fig leaf to hide behind, as a smoke screen for the fact that they're not doing the other really important stuff.
And in our disease, dishonestly is lethal. We can fool others, and even our selves - but we pay the price. I think..
Last Edit: 29 Jun 2015 16:09 by shlomo613. Reason: Typo

Re: My not so faithful story.. 01 Jul 2015 20:53 #258359

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Thanks for the responses.

It seems like it's quite a delicate balance between A) working on yourself and guarding yourself from 'unwanted opportunities.

I feel that Pidaini raises a valid point that I can defintly relate to. Most of what I have done in the past month since joining GYE has been on the protection side of things (filters, passwords, Taphsic). What are the steps that I should be taking in parallel to this for working on myself?

I feel like my case is a bit challenging since I don't feel like a full-blown addict, I don't feel like it's necessary to join 12 step programs and many of the other options offered here, which may not necessarily be the case. What I'm trying to get at is, how can I help myself now before this addiction advances and I really will need to join those programs. It seems that so many people just don't take it seriously until it spirals completely out of hand and only then do they address it. How can I seriously address this issue from where I am now?
Last Edit: 01 Jul 2015 20:54 by faithful. Reason: grammer

Re: My not so faithful story.. 01 Jul 2015 21:08 #258368

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dont do the 12 steps; just read it.
See if it speaks to you.

or perhaps a mussar sefer....15 minutes a day.

bhatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 02 Jul 2015 01:32 #258412

  • yiraishamaim
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So besides the protection part work on your total reliance on Hashem. Think about it and actually say those types of tefilos.

For me this has been most essential/beneficial. At the very least all three shmoneh esreis

Re: My not so faithful story.. 02 Jul 2015 03:53 #258420

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I understand your concern about the 12 steps, I have felt the same way, but Rabbi Dr. Twerski claims that the 12 step program is for anybody that wants to grow, to become a better person, in any area that he has been finding difficulty.

As cordnoy wrote, go through them, see if you relate with their goal, with their point of direction. Even if you don't agree with all of it, it certainly has a lot to offer in the was view life.

Take it slowly, but surely!!

KOT!!! KOMT!!!
Yankel | My Ladder | Talking to Hashem
I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus.
Have a great day, unless, of course, you made other plans. ~ obbormottel
"Nothing changes as long as everything stays the same" ~ Dov
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