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My not so faithful story..
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My not so faithful story.. 6748 Views

Re: My not so faithful story.. 08 Jun 2015 12:55 #256329

Welcome Faithful.

Good for you that you have the courage to look for help now. Like we say on GYE "hitting bottom while still on top".

I see you joined the 90 day chart and put filters on your devices. Great start!

I just want to make one point.
Putting protection in place is critical to the process but it doesn't necessarily take away the problem. You/we have seen enough unfortunately that you can continue looking at p*** in your head. The hard part (I find) is controlling your thoughts. Lustful thoughts will drive you insane to the point where you will eventually find another way to satiate the Monster.
Working on yourself, figuring out why your having those thoughts and how to reconfigure your head isn't an easy job but one that must be done if we want to change.

Just my 2 cents.

Good luck!

Re: My not so faithful story.. 09 Jun 2015 04:13 #256413

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Thanks for the responses everyone.

Just to update my thread, the past few days I haven't been feeling too well, so no falls b"h but I can't contribute my 'streak' to any strength on my part either. This journey will really start once I feel better, for now I'm just getting a head start.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 09 Jun 2015 13:07 #256443

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I don't attribute any part of my recovery to any strength on my part either. Every day that I don't obsess about sex is a gift from Hashem.
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 10 Jun 2015 18:13 #256553

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serenity wrote:
I don't attribute any part of my recovery to any strength on my part either. Every day that I don't obsess about sex is a gift from Hashem.


That's true. I can thank Hashem for making my first few days on this journey easy for me. I'm feeling a little better now and with that comes my normal self with all its packaging.

I would like to implement the tophsic method, anyone have any ideas or versions that worked for you that you can recommend?

I think the trick to to plan one step ahead of myself.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 12 Jun 2015 03:21 #256696

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Just had my first fall since joining GYE.

As opposed to those who are filled with guilt after each fall, I think I may have the opposite issue. I know it's ok I will continue to try and it's not healthy to be overcome with guilt. I know that I was tested and I did not stand up to the test, but I also know that the guilt that follows can be sometimes worse that the act itself. So I don't allow that to eat me up. I find it to be a delicate and difficult balance between being over consumed with self guilt and becoming depressed or remaining indifferent about the act one just did.

I once heard an interesting vort which always stuck with me and I will share it here. We say everyday in Mariv that Hashem should take away the Satan from in front of us and from behind us. What is the implication? In front of us is the Satan who comes and says 'Eh, just to it, don't think too much, it's not such a big deal, You'll still be a good jew' and once the Satan is successful and getting the person be ovier, he says "Ow, look what you did! It's terrible, and you think your a good yid?! You just did the worst aveira you can possibly commit! your living a double live! your full of it **..."

So thats how he works, when the averia is in front of you he down plays it. Once you did it, he enlarges it gives you the guilt that comes along with it, which is also bad and from the Satan. So thats why we ask Hashem to protect us from the Satan before and after.

The idea I'm trying to show from that vort, is that the feelings of self remorse that come immediately after acting out, are not necessarily coming from a positive place.

In any event, I will be taking the following steps to prevent another fall:

I will further restrict my phone by adding Google Now to the list of blocked apps on Smart App Protector, since that is actually how I fell.

And two I will to a Topshic with the following: for the next week, I will give $150 to tzedaka if I act out without first spending 40 minutes on GYE. If I act out after spending 40 minutes on GYE, I will give $50 to tzedaka.

Moving along. I hope to make it further this round.

Sincerely, Faithful

Re: My not so faithful story.. 12 Jun 2015 03:33 #256697

I'm sorry that you're suffering.

The human intellect is pretty basic, we're pretty slow, even the smartest among us. There is no substitute for experience. When I choose to masturbate I always try to learn something from this choice. You can read all the literature and listen to the all experts who have been there before, but there is no knowledge like the knowledge you acquire yourself. And when you jump off the wagon you can learn a lot from that. What were the circumstances that led to it? Was there some change in my life that I underestimated? Did I have a sexual thought that I really didn't want to acknowledge and in the end I paid for it? Can the recovery method I have chosen really work? Am I just going through the motions or do I really understand the meaning of the method? Am I going through an especially trying time? Am I really depressed but I don't recognize it? Are the reasons why I wanted to stop masturbating still good reasons in my mind?
Last Edit: 12 Jun 2015 06:57 by hwhap@gmx.com.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 12 Jun 2015 04:29 #256702

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Yeah I agree that analyzing the fall can be productive but even that should be done in moderation. We get to a point that we know what makes us tick.

Now connect with Hashem and give yourself over to him. Of course avoid the triggers.

Be confident that Hashem will help. You've made a decision(again) that you are never going back.Failure is simply not on the table.

Enjoy the bliss of sobriety.

It is hands down you're greatest gift!

Re: My not so faithful story.. 17 Jun 2015 21:46 #257089

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Just read the email that was sent to me a few days ago after my fall from GYE. It's an amazing email which was very well written. I have to say that the GYE team continues to impress me. It's just a shame that these emails don't get the proper attention from me (and I'm sure others as well) since they are sent to a basically GYE-only email account, which I don't check too often. These are the emails I need to get on my smartphone with notifications! These are the emails I really need when I'm on the go, not the work and promotional emails that I'm always getting carried away with. I'm just hesitant to have these emails go to my phone which is basically open to anyone who picks it up (my main concern being my wife).

I feel like I'm getting all my other garbage emails and WhatsApp messages, but the important stuff, is hiding in my secret email account that I only use from my computer when no one is around.

Aside from the above I'm hanging in strong. I set setup my tophsic which has been helpful and thwarted a potential fall, so I am thankful for that.
Looking forward to reaching 90 and beyond.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 18 Jun 2015 04:19 #257110

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faithful wrote:
Just read the email that was sent to me a few days ago after my fall from GYE. It's an amazing email which was very well written. I have to say that the GYE team continues to impress me. It's just a shame that these emails don't get the proper attention from me (and I'm sure others as well) since they are sent to a basically GYE-only email account, which I don't check too often. These are the emails I need to get on my smartphone with notifications! These are the emails I really need when I'm on the go, not the work and promotional emails that I'm always getting carried away with. I'm just hesitant to have these emails go to my phone which is basically open to anyone who picks it up (my main concern being my wife).

I feel like I'm getting all my other garbage emails and WhatsApp messages, but the important stuff, is hiding in my secret email account that I only use from my computer when no one is around.

Aside from the above I'm hanging in strong. I set setup my tophsic which has been helpful and thwarted a potential fall, so I am thankful for that.
Looking forward to reaching 90 and beyond.


Many ordinary people get gye emails on their regular email.
its a chizuk email.
many lust addicts also have their gye email connected to their phone as well.
Some get it confused at times, but that's also life.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 18 Jun 2015 12:44 #257117

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Why don't you tell your wife that shmiras einayim is a tough nisayon in this generation and you're trying to have kedusha in this area - an this site helps you. It's absolutely true. And your wife will love you for it and feel reassured that her husband doesn't want to look at things that aren't his.
Loi ye'uneh latzadik ra - bad doesn't happen to a tzadik - you can't suffer from this.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 18 Jun 2015 20:41 #257149

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That a good idea, I think I will do this. I'm probably a little more paranoid about this than I should be.

Otherwise I'm doing well, so far made it further than my first try on the 90 day chart so that is nice.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 19 Jun 2015 11:25 #257194

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I'm very glad and grateful to Hashem that I made it to day 7 on my streak!
Let's keep rollin'!

Re: My not so faithful story.. 19 Jun 2015 15:02 #257211

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faithful wrote:
That a good idea, I think I will do this. I'm probably a little more paranoid about this than I should be.


I caution you however not to have a setup where your wife has a chance to open up to your own GYE page and discover your user name and posts.
Some GYE users have got into trouble that way..

Re: My not so faithful story.. 23 Jun 2015 15:48 #257488

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shlomo613 wrote:


I caution you however not to have a setup where your wife has a chance to open up to your own GYE page and discover your user name and posts.
Some GYE users have got into trouble that way..


Good point. That is not something I would like to run into.

Shlomo, Congrats on reaching 90 days I'm not sure if it's your first time or not, bur regardless hatzlocha!
Last Edit: 23 Jun 2015 15:48 by faithful.

Re: My not so faithful story.. 23 Jun 2015 16:07 #257494

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Thanks Faithful,
I've reached 90 days before but very few times so this is a real achievement. The last time I got here was either 6 months ago or a year ago, I don't recall.
As you see in the past ice fallen after reaching it so I'm under no illusions that the challenges are over. As everyone says, it's an initial target, but then we need to continue living life well.
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