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My Story - Reallygettingthere
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My Story - Reallygettingthere 46674 Views

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 05 Nov 2012 19:56 #147263

  • reallygettingthere
dov wrote on 05 Nov 2012 17:33:

I know this, because in my addiction I am incredibly pathetic.


Same here

dov wrote on 05 Nov 2012 17:33:

Was that too cynical for public consumption?


Not at all

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 09 Nov 2012 04:46 #147510

  • reallygettingthere
Day 41. The past few days have been a new challange. I'm away from home on business. I need to be extra vigilant because being out of my routine can easily spring unexpected challenges. BH I dealt with what came my way well.

It's crazy how I was learning on a train when the YH presented me with challange. I closed my eyes and had to deal with the YH telling me to open them and look in the Gemara. Luckily, I've dealt with that little sonofogun before and knew to keep my eyes closed

BH

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 09 Nov 2012 15:21 #147524

Thanks for your inspiring behavior, tzaddik. It's impressive how you are 'mefatfait beyitzro', telling him "CHUDICHINBOOD!" (hope you speak heimish yiddish)

Kol hakavod! KUTGW!

mt

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 09 Nov 2012 20:52 #147567

  • reallygettingthere
Thank you for the chizuk.

Unfortunately my heimish Yiddish is limited but that really sounds effective.

Git shabbos

Eli

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 13 Nov 2012 03:16 #147743

  • reallygettingthere
Day 45

It been a rough past few days. A few slips but no falls. Haven't been learning while on the road as much as I normally do. (Not that I normally learn a few hours a day but the past few days were shvach (I am not trying to blame my challenges on something other than myself)

I realized that I probably haven't made it 45 days clean since the clean streak I had 13 years ago when I got married.

I want to thank all of you for the chizuk and chavershaft.

I want to thank Hashem for believing in me and giving me the strength to get to this point.

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 25 Nov 2012 21:53 #148504

  • reallygettingthere
Day 58

I think I am starting to feel that although I have been clean for 58 I have not get begun to live. Hmmmmm.

(Dov enters side stage)

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 26 Nov 2012 00:05 #148506

  • Dov
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You aren't alone, chaver! None of us has begun to live tomorrow yet! This is a process, and being clean is the ground floor...nebach to the Kedusha-chasers who consider being clean the heights of holiness. Who cares if it is holiness? Is that our business at all whether we are on this madreiga or on another one? Angels dancing on the head of a pin...

It's still just the ground floor of real living - and that's great!

Alei v'hatzlach!
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 13 Dec 2012 04:44 #200117

  • reallygettingthere
I fell today.

I intentionally viewed porn on an old smartphone that was lying around. The device that was used will no longer present a problem - ever again.

I'm under stress on more than one front. I think actively learning inyanei emunah might be beneficial. I'll keep you guys posted.

Eli

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 13 Dec 2012 19:36 #200129

  • Dov
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Hey, Eli - Thanks for sharing that!

Your emunah was probably no worse the day you used the porn than it is now on this clean day. And focusing on emunah at all, is, I believe, a red herring. Rather, I think the problem we have is not one of emunah, but one of self-honesty. Being honest with myself about my true intentions, my true limitations, and being willing to actually share those facts openly with another safe, understanding person, is far more precious than any addictional emunah you may 'get' from learning those sforim. So I am suggesting to you that working on emunah in response to your using porn is nothing but a distraction from the real work at hand....that's what we have all spent these past years and years doing, and that is why we never really got better.

Just think: if you yourself become more real, then all that you have ever learned from emunah sforim, yir'as Shomayim sforim, frome watching tzaddikim, all becomes more real with you. Honesty and openness is far more precious than any madreigo, because our fakeness is what shrinks all our good qualities into near-impotence.

That is the main brocha of recovery!

You, Eli, are a growing so much already. Continued hatzlocha!!

- Dov
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 13 Dec 2012 19:45 #200131

  • reallygettingthere
Thank you Dov,

Sorry for not being clear.

I agree with 100% (actually you just made it it 110%). I Learning inyanei emunah will not help an addiction. I feel I need to refresh my emunah in order to deal with the stress.

Eli

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 13 Dec 2012 23:09 #200140

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Clear, schmear, it was geshmak anyhow.

Have a less-stressful day, chaver...
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 14 Dec 2012 01:00 #200143

  • reallygettingthere
Thanks.

Less stressful=more emunahful

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 15 Dec 2012 01:57 #200163

  • reallygettingthere
I just fell again.

The "pesach where the "chatas" was rovetz" has been since permanently sealed.

I recently made it to seventy five day clean.

I can do it again - one day at a time

Good Shabbos dear chaveirim

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 26 Dec 2012 02:29 #200485

  • reallygettingthere
It's been too many day since I last posted. Unfortunately, it's not because I was knocking the Yetzer Hora out of the park.

I fell too many times and was spiraling downward. I was too busy falling that I didn't try to stop myself.

I am committing (bli neder) to post on this forum twice daily for the next three weeks (excluding motazai shabbos). I hope that getting back to sharing with you guys will help me get back on track.

I had a 75 day clean streak and I was beginning to think (I know, very arrogant and stupid) that maybe I wasn't an addict. Maybe I was just a guy who hasn't tried hard enough to control himself.

(The chacham from the ma nishtana).

There's no question. I'm an addict, therefore my focus must be controlling my environment, not tangling with the Yetzer hora.

Tomorrow might be day one but right now... it's already hour 3

Thank you all for the chizuk.


Eli

Re: My Story - Reallygettingthere 26 Dec 2012 20:15 #200501

  • ZemirosShabbos
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they say around these parts:
Keep On Trucking!
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive
~Cordnoy

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
~TZ
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