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Home of Gibbor120
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Home of Gibbor120 90937 Views

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 03:56 #289983

  • yiraishamaim
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The proof of the pudding is in its taste

How are your actions?
so many days of sobriety is very telling don't you think?
If you are not acting out and intimacy is fine so what's the problem? perhaps she feels you are choosing GYE over attention for her? (just trying to think like a female)

On the point that you are on the forum so many hours - what would happen if you begin to cut down a bit?

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 04:00 #289985

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I hope to answer you soon on my thread, but I should be penalized for hijacking this heavyweight thread, sorry Gib120
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Last Edit: 10 Jun 2016 04:01 by Markz.

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 04:36 #289987

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k - sorry too

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 05:34 #289990

  • cordnoy
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Gibbor doesn't mind.
He just likes helping people.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 12:21 #289992

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Mazal Tov, Gibbor, on reaching this wonderful milestone - one day at a time!

 
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 15:15 #290003

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Mazel Tov!!

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 17:09 #290017

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no problem. 

It's hard to give advice in a setting like this.  I don't know you, and I don't know your wife.  A rebbi once told me that everyone has problems.  Counceling should be considered when the problems affect your ability to live a normal life (I heard this a long time ago, so don't hold me to the exact wording).  Obviously, this is somewhat subjective, but I don't think it's that different from the idea of "my life has become unmanagable" (although perhaps this would apply before the stage of "unmanagable").

In this case it may (or may not) be worth it to satisfy your wife.  Maybe the therapist will say you don't need therapy, and your wife will be appeased.

I really don't know.  I'm just thinking out loud...

Keep us posted.

Re: Home of Gibbor120 10 Jun 2016 17:10 #290018

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cordnoy wrote on 10 Jun 2016 05:34:
Gibbor doesn't mind.
He just likes helping people.

Re: Home of Gibbor120 22 Jul 2016 22:56 #292521

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I'm bumpin this for 3 reasons
  1. It's Gibbor's thread and such a hero's thread cannot hibernate for so long!!
  2. It has to do with the 3 weeks

  3. Something is hidden for guests. Please log in or register to see it.

Gibbor went thru such a situation, but of course each case is different.
The reality is that such a crisis needs the the right people (Rav, therapist, kalla teacher that knows how to deal with this). You barred your raw self to your wife, and although shocking, if she comes round after time, and with your recovery, it can be something that brings you 2 much closer
gibbor120 wrote:
I have been pretty busy B"H and haven't been on the forum much recently. I do check in from time to time, but I'm not spending time here like I used to. I feel like I needed to write something today, since it is the 3rd anniversary of my wife finding out that I had a problem... and it is one of the happiest days of my life.

Let me explain. The gemarah says that one day tisha b'av will become a yom tov. I think that most people understand that we will celebrate the fact that we have a 3rd beis hamikdash and don't have to mourn it's destruction any longer.

I think there is a much deeper answer (and I heard this from an adam gadol). We will actually celebrate the destruction of the beis hamikdash. Yes, you read correctly. There is no typo. We will celebrate the destruction of the beis hamikdash one day.

How could that be? Why? The answer is actually very simple. Everything Hashem does is for the good. It's only that we don't have the eyes to see it in this world. One day, we will understand how such a painful and trajic event in our history was extrordinarily and exceptionally good! In fact it was essential to bringing the final geulah.

That is exactly how I feel about the day my wife found out about my problem. It was excruciatingly painful at the time, and it took a lot of time, discussion, understanding, and work to get to where we are today. But, I shudder to think of what I would look like today, had she not found out. I am so much more at peace with myself and with the world. I'm in a much better place now. Of course the work is not done. The yetzer hora doesn't take vacation days, but life is better than I ever could have imagined.

I owe a large debt of gratitude to my wife, my rav (who helped us quite a lot, especially when she first found out, and last, but certainly not least to GYE and the wonderful friends I have made here.

During my recovery for the first 2 years, I had a very limited understanding of what I was dealing with. I was operating with the standard yetzer hora, teshuva model. My main work was guarding my eyes, which is sill very important today. But when I found GYE about a year ago, my eyes were opened (excuse the pun). I learned so many things from the handbook and from Dov that helped me understand what I was dealing with, and gave me tools that I never had before. It helped my wife understand what I was going through, and we both have grown a great deal in the last year.

Thank you to all who have helped me in ways big and small. Thank you Hashem for giving me this nisayon to deal with, as well as all the help you have sent me along the way.
My Story---------Dov Quotes


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Last Edit: 22 Jul 2016 23:47 by Markz.

Re: Home of Gibbor120 14 Oct 2016 20:23 #296464

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Did some serious speed forumming today.  Probably won't be back on until after sukkos, so have a great yom tov everyone!

Re: Home of Gibbor120 16 Nov 2016 23:07 #297979

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gibbor120 wrote:
I must say, it is quite thrilling to see that something I did actually helped someone!  I started it mostly for my own benefit because I couldn't keep track of the dov quotes that really spoke to me.  I'm absolutely thrilled that they helped someone else.  You really made my day!

I recently started a new Dov Quotes thread here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4695.0 .

I wish you continued success progressive victory over lust .

You must have helped at least 1000 guys here literally, myself included. Dovs posts speak to me even if I don't consider myself an addict...

I finally put a link to Dov quotes in my signature - THANKS TO YOU BRO', cos I feel it's the first thing guys should read when they land on the forum. 
(Disregard the video button below it's only for this week)

And what about the few that don't login the forum?
Well... When is Artscroll publishing the Dov quote book?

"The Powerless Maggid Speaks"

"Tricyle Tours of the Addict Maggid"

"The Woodford Maggids 12 Steps (Hic!)" 
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
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100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: Home of Gibbor120 18 Nov 2016 19:07 #298067

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You made me smile

Re: Home of Gibbor120 05 Jan 2017 20:56 #302345

  • gibbor120
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A recent post of mine inspired me to come up with this pithy saying:

It is the severity of the "obsession", not the severtity of the "transgression", that ultimately defines the level of "addiction".

Re: Home of Gibbor120 25 Jan 2017 17:07 #304222

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I originally wrote this as a PM, but then realized that I should post in on my thread.  I sometimes forget the things that helped me get sober.  Here are a few ideas that may be helpful to others.

When I came to GYE, one of the first things I realized was that the "issur" isn't the problem per se.  Meaning, fantasizing about my wife, in my mind at least, was muttar, so why not.  I didn't realize that I was still feeding my lust, and as they say "the more you feed it, the more you need it".  I learned that I couldn't look at things in terms of muttar or assur, but in terms of, is this feeding my lust or not.  Once I lust, I loose control (I have a lust allergy), whether my wife is the object of my lust or some shiksa.  In terms of lust itself, it makes no difference.

In general, I found that low self-esteem and perfectionism were big problems for me.  I took myself too seriously.  I was too tense.  I assumed that being very exact about doing mitzvos was a positive thing.  I didn't realize that much of it was just my perfectionism.  I don't want to be bad (low self-esteem speaking), so let's try to be perfect, so I will never do anything bad (perfectionism).  That causes a lot of stress on both me and my wife.  Stress leads to acting out.  Especially when I upset my wife.  That type of stress, definitely leads to acting out.  I found Dr. Sorotzkin to be very helpful.

I also joined Dov's phone call, and did a first step inventory.  Being able to admit my faults out loud and not die from it helped me a lot.  I also learned to discuss my faults with my wife (not all acting out related).  It helped me to accept myself as I am, and I became more relaxed.  To my surprise, my wife also accepted me as I am, and now we had open communication which made us feel much closer. Paridoxically, as I accepted imperfection and faults, my self-esteem and confidence grew.

I learned from Dov the concept of living on G-d's terms.  In my own words, the third step is "kol mah deavid Rachmana letav avid".  Let Hashem run the show.  Now, instead of being on edge and getting angry because "I" need to learn and one of the kids is misbehaving. I was able to calmly say to myself, "what does Hashem want from me now"?  Obviously, to take care of my child.  The learning will have to wait.  I would read a book to my child and instead of yelling because "my" learning was interrupted, I just had a wonderful bonding moment and solved a chinuch issue at the same time.  This was a major attitude change for me, and a real game changer for my recovery.

Many times, I'd be tense because "I" need to make barchu.  "I" need to learn.  Focusing on what does Hashem "need" from me is a subtle but powerful attitude change.  (I don't claim to always do this.  Not even close.  But I'm aware of it, and even small changes, can make a big difference)

I became much calmer, and naturally, the urges to act out became less frequent and less intense.

It's good for me to review this once in a while, so thank you (and you know who you are) for motivating me to write this out.

I hope it helps someone. It definitely helped me!

Re: Home of Gibbor120 25 Jan 2017 18:45 #304232

  • cordnoy
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Sure helped me.

Hope it helped the recipient as well.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
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