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[POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life?
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TOPIC: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 48086 Views

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 05:25 #347083

  • cordnoy
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2020 12:34:
The advice to be anonymous is sound advice when being in touch via chat, forum etc. One never knows who they are conversing with. Unfortunately there is always a small minority of people who misuse public forums, and one must protect themselves from that. However, it is logical that the more open and up front we are with this issue, and the more accountable we are to real people, the better our chances b'ezras Hashem to break free. What I have done to protect myself is to create a google voice number to allow for safe voice connection with people. Once I ascertain to the best of my ability that I am speaking with a sensible, responsible, and sincere person, I give out my direct phone number to enable better communication. (Yes, there are one or two individuals that our relationship is still at the google voice level due to not being fully comfortable going further). The next step is meeting. This happens after having spoken by phone many times, when both of us are comfortable doing that. Boruch Hashem I have met many wonderful people after cautiously going through those steps. Bli ayin hora I have no regrets for doing so. There is a mutual understanding that it is in both of our interests to be confidential. 

It is long overdue to be open about this plague. Statistics show that majority of teenagers and married yidden are struggling. The past hanhaga of not speaking about it is comparable to burying our heads deep in the sand, causing serious kedusha problems, anxiety/depression challenges - some to dangerous even suicidal levels, and shalom bayis disasters to develop. Recently however,  Boruch Hashem, and probably thanks in great part to GYE, people are more open about this. Rebbeim in yeshivas are speaking more about it, and bochurim are seizing the opportunity to cry out for help. Unfortunately there is still a sizeable majority suffering needlessly in silence...…. Similarly, many husbands are more open with their wives about the struggles they have at work, on the street, and online. Due to high school/seminary mechanchos and kallah teachers mentioning the issue, husband's are not embarrassed to ask their wives to keep the filter passcode. There may still be a long way to go, but there is a path beginning.

I wish I could speak publicly about my own history, struggles, and BH success. So many broken depressed guys could be inspired to be helped. Until the time when doing so won't ruin my kids shidduchim, I, and other fellows here will iyh just have to continue reaching out to one guy at a time and hold their hands. 

I agree with everythin' except the statistics part.
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 06:09 #347085

cordnoy wrote on 02 Feb 2020 05:25:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2020 12:34:
The advice to be anonymous is sound advice when being in touch via chat, forum etc. One never knows who they are conversing with. Unfortunately there is always a small minority of people who misuse public forums, and one must protect themselves from that. However, it is logical that the more open and up front we are with this issue, and the more accountable we are to real people, the better our chances b'ezras Hashem to break free. What I have done to protect myself is to create a google voice number to allow for safe voice connection with people. Once I ascertain to the best of my ability that I am speaking with a sensible, responsible, and sincere person, I give out my direct phone number to enable better communication. (Yes, there are one or two individuals that our relationship is still at the google voice level due to not being fully comfortable going further). The next step is meeting. This happens after having spoken by phone many times, when both of us are comfortable doing that. Boruch Hashem I have met many wonderful people after cautiously going through those steps. Bli ayin hora I have no regrets for doing so. There is a mutual understanding that it is in both of our interests to be confidential. 

It is long overdue to be open about this plague. Statistics show that majority of teenagers and married yidden are struggling. The past hanhaga of not speaking about it is comparable to burying our heads deep in the sand, causing serious kedusha problems, anxiety/depression challenges - some to dangerous even suicidal levels, and shalom bayis disasters to develop. Recently however,  Boruch Hashem, and probably thanks in great part to GYE, people are more open about this. Rebbeim in yeshivas are speaking more about it, and bochurim are seizing the opportunity to cry out for help. Unfortunately there is still a sizeable majority suffering needlessly in silence...…. Similarly, many husbands are more open with their wives about the struggles they have at work, on the street, and online. Due to high school/seminary mechanchos and kallah teachers mentioning the issue, husband's are not embarrassed to ask their wives to keep the filter passcode. There may still be a long way to go, but there is a path beginning.

I wish I could speak publicly about my own history, struggles, and BH success. So many broken depressed guys could be inspired to be helped. Until the time when doing so won't ruin my kids shidduchim, I, and other fellows here will iyh just have to continue reaching out to one guy at a time and hold their hands. 

I agree with everythin' except the statistics part.

Would be pretty interesting if there was a proper survey conducted assessing people in the frum community's behaviors and attitudes around this topic. 

Edit: Topic being masturbation and pornography in general. Questions focusing on frequency and prevalence of behaviors, as well as peoples feelings about the behaviors. 
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 

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Last Edit: 02 Feb 2020 06:12 by Ihavestrength. Reason: Clarifying what topic

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 10:23 #347086

Re Statistics.
There has only been one serious study to date (by a frum Harvard Professor). You can find it here https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1557988318823586
The researcher shared more details with us but since I'd rather not post those details publicly.   
There's Life Beyond Addiction

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 12:34 #347087

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Maybe the term "struggling" needs to be clarified. When I wrote a majority are struggling, I did not mean that a majority of yidden are sex addicts (although the survey referenced by Menachem is quite worrisome). I meant that having spoken to many high school and bais medrash aged fellows, I find that I am hearing comments like "Yeah, most guys in my yeshiva admit to watching pornography once in a while" or "Our chabura made a group challenge for a month to stay clean". Statements such as these seem to imply that the percentage of our bochurim and newly marrieds who have been exposed is very high. To what extent do they "struggle"? That depends on the meaning of the word. Most definitely wish they had never been exposed in the first place. 
Regarding masturbation, based on conversations with many guys, it appears that there is a lot of yi'ush out there. That does not mean every one is doing it every day. It just means that to some extent or another, it is going on. Truthfully, it has always been an issue, but in our society with so much triggering material abounding, it has gotten worse. One comment that a 23 year old bochur who was not heavy into pornography said, "Let's face it - there are the guys who admit to masturbating, and there are liars." Although this statement is definitely an exaggeration, I think any mashgiach/mental health professional/chosson rebbi will tell you that it isn't too far off the mark.
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 15:12 #347089

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I think almost everyone on this site, even the best of them/us, would like to justify their behavior (even subconsciously) by sayin' that this is rampant behavior in one way or the other.

Many struggle of some sort, many are here, many are not.

And yes, you/we/they, all genuinely wanna help Klal Yisroel.
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 17:17 #347090

  • mggsbms
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 02 Feb 2020 12:34:
Maybe the term "struggling" needs to be clarified. When I wrote a majority are struggling, I did not mean that a majority of yidden are sex addicts (although the survey referenced by Menachem is quite worrisome). I meant that having spoken to many high school and bais medrash aged fellows, I find that I am hearing comments like "Yeah, most guys in my yeshiva admit to watching pornography once in a while" or "Our chabura made a group challenge for a month to stay clean". Statements such as these seem to imply that the percentage of our bochurim and newly marrieds who have been exposed is very high. To what extent do they "struggle"? That depends on the meaning of the word. Most definitely wish they had never been exposed in the first place. 
Regarding masturbation, based on conversations with many guys, it appears that there is a lot of yi'ush out there. That does not mean every one is doing it every day. It just means that to some extent or another, it is going on. Truthfully, it has always been an issue, but in our society with so much triggering material abounding, it has gotten worse. One comment that a 23 year old bochur who was not heavy into pornography said, "Let's face it - there are the guys who admit to masturbating, and there are liars." Although this statement is definitely an exaggeration, I think any mashgiach/mental health professional/chosson rebbi will tell you that it isn't too far off the mark.

I recently bumped into a conversation where it was confirmed to me that this issue is more of a super majority problem, then a majority, so you might have been wrong by calling it a majority... Probably not in addictive way but prevelent nonetheless.
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Last Edit: 02 Feb 2020 17:20 by mggsbms.

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 04 Jul 2021 18:02 #370476

  • bb0212
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For anybody who thinks that this is not an issue for the large majority of healthy frum males, can you come up with a reason that it would not be?
It's one of the strongest drives that a guys has - tell any guy that you'll give him a room where nobody would ever know what he did in that room and he could choose the scenario in the room. Imagine that this can happen every day or whenever you want and you can change the scenario at will. Sure, many times the guy will choose the scenario to be food, sports, shooting range and a million other things. I would imagine that something related to sexual behavior would be a very frequent choice. Now, we don't actually have a room that you can create any scenario. Except for one thing....

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 04 Jul 2021 18:10 #370477

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I forgot to respond to the poll... I honestly wouldn't care. If I felt like something positive would happen if I would discuss it, good, otherwise I'd probably say something like "This is an issue for most of us and anybody who claims they are not are only fooling themselves!".

I used to work in a cellphone store. The types of people that came in with problems on their phone which I had to help with.... When I would fix their phone, I would also end up seeing what they were searching for (I wasn't specifically looking to, it just happened as part of the fix). These are the people that you would never think of that they were struggling. Seriously, if you claim to know that there is a group of men (especially if they are single) that have access to unfiltered internet and they are not dealing with any sort of porn problem, I have a bridge to sell you.
Last Edit: 04 Jul 2021 18:11 by bb0212.

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 28 Jul 2022 04:56 #384045

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BUMP!!

bb0212 wrote on 04 Jul 2021 18:10:
I forgot to respond to the poll... I honestly wouldn't care. If I felt like something positive would happen if I would discuss it, good, otherwise I'd probably say something like "This is an issue for most of us and anybody who claims they are not are only fooling themselves!".

I used to work in a cellphone store. The types of people that came in with problems on their phone which I had to help with.... When I would fix their phone, I would also end up seeing what they were searching for (I wasn't specifically looking to, it just happened as part of the fix). These are the people that you would never think of that they were struggling. Seriously, if you claim to know that there is a group of men (especially if they are single) that have access to unfiltered internet and they are not dealing with any sort of porn problem, I have a bridge to sell you.

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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 28 Jul 2022 08:23 #384049

  • frank.lee
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In a way, I'd love to meet some of you in real life, and connect and share. But otoh I want to write here some personal details which also apply to others, for example my wife, so therefore I actually do not want anyone to figure out who I am. That also holds me back sometimes from writing more...
and I know that some of you know me in real life, but don't know who I am here...
Last Edit: 28 Jul 2022 08:24 by frank.lee. Reason: Added a sentence

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 28 Jul 2022 21:51 #384078

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MenachemGYE wrote on 02 Feb 2020 10:23:
Re Statistics.
There has only been one serious study to date (by a frum Harvard Professor). You can find it here https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1557988318823586
The researcher shared more details with us but since I'd rather not post those details publicly.   

Can someone email me this study my filter is blocking it. plonialmoni503@gmail.com
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 29 Jul 2022 13:44 #384101

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Sent, check your spam

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 29 Jul 2022 13:49 #384102

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Only glancing at the study though I see he specifies asking "How often did you engage in any of the following activities in a manner that caused you problems, or in an excessive manner in order to cope with difficult feelings/ stress?” Which religious people would have different standards for than irreligious. It could be he/this thread address this, I just glanced through.

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 29 Jul 2022 16:06 #384116

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Thank you I got it.
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 14 Mar 2023 20:22 #393342

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I can certainly say that today I am so much more comfortable talking about GYE with others than I used to be, and this is due to the fact that in numerous conversations I have had with friends they have referenced GYE. I believe that the more we go out our comfort zone to talk about it, the less taboo this topic will be and ultimately the more people will be helped.
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