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[POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life?
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This is a board for all the important threads that we don't want to get lost among the others :-)

TOPIC: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 40672 Views

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 05:25 #347083

  • cordnoy
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2020 12:34:
The advice to be anonymous is sound advice when being in touch via chat, forum etc. One never knows who they are conversing with. Unfortunately there is always a small minority of people who misuse public forums, and one must protect themselves from that. However, it is logical that the more open and up front we are with this issue, and the more accountable we are to real people, the better our chances b'ezras Hashem to break free. What I have done to protect myself is to create a google voice number to allow for safe voice connection with people. Once I ascertain to the best of my ability that I am speaking with a sensible, responsible, and sincere person, I give out my direct phone number to enable better communication. (Yes, there are one or two individuals that our relationship is still at the google voice level due to not being fully comfortable going further). The next step is meeting. This happens after having spoken by phone many times, when both of us are comfortable doing that. Boruch Hashem I have met many wonderful people after cautiously going through those steps. Bli ayin hora I have no regrets for doing so. There is a mutual understanding that it is in both of our interests to be confidential. 

It is long overdue to be open about this plague. Statistics show that majority of teenagers and married yidden are struggling. The past hanhaga of not speaking about it is comparable to burying our heads deep in the sand, causing serious kedusha problems, anxiety/depression challenges - some to dangerous even suicidal levels, and shalom bayis disasters to develop. Recently however,  Boruch Hashem, and probably thanks in great part to GYE, people are more open about this. Rebbeim in yeshivas are speaking more about it, and bochurim are seizing the opportunity to cry out for help. Unfortunately there is still a sizeable majority suffering needlessly in silence...…. Similarly, many husbands are more open with their wives about the struggles they have at work, on the street, and online. Due to high school/seminary mechanchos and kallah teachers mentioning the issue, husband's are not embarrassed to ask their wives to keep the filter passcode. There may still be a long way to go, but there is a path beginning.

I wish I could speak publicly about my own history, struggles, and BH success. So many broken depressed guys could be inspired to be helped. Until the time when doing so won't ruin my kids shidduchim, I, and other fellows here will iyh just have to continue reaching out to one guy at a time and hold their hands. 

I agree with everythin' except the statistics part.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 06:09 #347085

  • Ihavestrength
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cordnoy wrote on 02 Feb 2020 05:25:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2020 12:34:
The advice to be anonymous is sound advice when being in touch via chat, forum etc. One never knows who they are conversing with. Unfortunately there is always a small minority of people who misuse public forums, and one must protect themselves from that. However, it is logical that the more open and up front we are with this issue, and the more accountable we are to real people, the better our chances b'ezras Hashem to break free. What I have done to protect myself is to create a google voice number to allow for safe voice connection with people. Once I ascertain to the best of my ability that I am speaking with a sensible, responsible, and sincere person, I give out my direct phone number to enable better communication. (Yes, there are one or two individuals that our relationship is still at the google voice level due to not being fully comfortable going further). The next step is meeting. This happens after having spoken by phone many times, when both of us are comfortable doing that. Boruch Hashem I have met many wonderful people after cautiously going through those steps. Bli ayin hora I have no regrets for doing so. There is a mutual understanding that it is in both of our interests to be confidential. 

It is long overdue to be open about this plague. Statistics show that majority of teenagers and married yidden are struggling. The past hanhaga of not speaking about it is comparable to burying our heads deep in the sand, causing serious kedusha problems, anxiety/depression challenges - some to dangerous even suicidal levels, and shalom bayis disasters to develop. Recently however,  Boruch Hashem, and probably thanks in great part to GYE, people are more open about this. Rebbeim in yeshivas are speaking more about it, and bochurim are seizing the opportunity to cry out for help. Unfortunately there is still a sizeable majority suffering needlessly in silence...…. Similarly, many husbands are more open with their wives about the struggles they have at work, on the street, and online. Due to high school/seminary mechanchos and kallah teachers mentioning the issue, husband's are not embarrassed to ask their wives to keep the filter passcode. There may still be a long way to go, but there is a path beginning.

I wish I could speak publicly about my own history, struggles, and BH success. So many broken depressed guys could be inspired to be helped. Until the time when doing so won't ruin my kids shidduchim, I, and other fellows here will iyh just have to continue reaching out to one guy at a time and hold their hands. 

I agree with everythin' except the statistics part.

Would be pretty interesting if there was a proper survey conducted assessing people in the frum community's behaviors and attitudes around this topic. 

Edit: Topic being masturbation and pornography in general. Questions focusing on frequency and prevalence of behaviors, as well as peoples feelings about the behaviors. 
If you are really bored, you can check out my original thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/305558-Journey-of-one-day-at-a-time 
Last Edit: 02 Feb 2020 06:12 by Ihavestrength. Reason: Clarifying what topic

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 10:23 #347086

Re Statistics.
There has only been one serious study to date (by a frum Harvard Professor). You can find it here https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1557988318823586
The researcher shared more details with us but since I'd rather not post those details publicly.   
There’s Life Beyond Addiction
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Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 12:34 #347087

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Maybe the term "struggling" needs to be clarified. When I wrote a majority are struggling, I did not mean that a majority of yidden are sex addicts (although the survey referenced by Menachem is quite worrisome). I meant that having spoken to many high school and bais medrash aged fellows, I find that I am hearing comments like "Yeah, most guys in my yeshiva admit to watching pornography once in a while" or "Our chabura made a group challenge for a month to stay clean". Statements such as these seem to imply that the percentage of our bochurim and newly marrieds who have been exposed is very high. To what extent do they "struggle"? That depends on the meaning of the word. Most definitely wish they had never been exposed in the first place. 
Regarding masturbation, based on conversations with many guys, it appears that there is a lot of yi'ush out there. That does not mean every one is doing it every day. It just means that to some extent or another, it is going on. Truthfully, it has always been an issue, but in our society with so much triggering material abounding, it has gotten worse. One comment that a 23 year old bochur who was not heavy into pornography said, "Let's face it - there are the guys who admit to masturbating, and there are liars." Although this statement is definitely an exaggeration, I think any mashgiach/mental health professional/chosson rebbi will tell you that it isn't too far off the mark.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 15:12 #347089

  • cordnoy
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I think almost everyone on this site, even the best of them/us, would like to justify their behavior (even subconsciously) by sayin' that this is rampant behavior in one way or the other.

Many struggle of some sort, many are here, many are not.

And yes, you/we/they, all genuinely wanna help Klal Yisroel.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: [POLL] How would you react to being recognized here by someone in real life? 02 Feb 2020 17:17 #347090

  • mggsbms
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 02 Feb 2020 12:34:
Maybe the term "struggling" needs to be clarified. When I wrote a majority are struggling, I did not mean that a majority of yidden are sex addicts (although the survey referenced by Menachem is quite worrisome). I meant that having spoken to many high school and bais medrash aged fellows, I find that I am hearing comments like "Yeah, most guys in my yeshiva admit to watching pornography once in a while" or "Our chabura made a group challenge for a month to stay clean". Statements such as these seem to imply that the percentage of our bochurim and newly marrieds who have been exposed is very high. To what extent do they "struggle"? That depends on the meaning of the word. Most definitely wish they had never been exposed in the first place. 
Regarding masturbation, based on conversations with many guys, it appears that there is a lot of yi'ush out there. That does not mean every one is doing it every day. It just means that to some extent or another, it is going on. Truthfully, it has always been an issue, but in our society with so much triggering material abounding, it has gotten worse. One comment that a 23 year old bochur who was not heavy into pornography said, "Let's face it - there are the guys who admit to masturbating, and there are liars." Although this statement is definitely an exaggeration, I think any mashgiach/mental health professional/chosson rebbi will tell you that it isn't too far off the mark.

I recently bumped into a conversation where it was confirmed to me that this issue is more of a super majority problem, then a majority, so you might have been wrong by calling it a majority... Probably not in addictive way but prevelent nonetheless.
Aka -  Mischadeish075
Last Edit: 02 Feb 2020 17:20 by mggsbms.
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