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Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating
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This is a board for all the important threads that we don't want to get lost among the others :-)
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TOPIC: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 452 Views

Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 22 Dec 2019 05:03 #346134

How might one avoid the peer pressure problems of dating since i cant while battling taava and is there a kosher outlet for this? I mean i saw in article that the only way to get over female alure is to marry one, but i cant marry while fighting this. 

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 22 Dec 2019 16:54 #346151

  • DavidT
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All 4 Hashem wrote on 22 Dec 2019 05:03:
How might one avoid the peer pressure problems of dating since i cant while battling taava and is there a kosher outlet for this? I mean i saw in article that the only way to get over female alure is to marry one, but i cant marry while fighting this. 

Hi "All 4 Hashem"
​I don't know where you read "the only way to get over female alure is to marry one", but it's 100% false. 
The fact is that you can get over these desires without getting married. There are many members here that can attest to this fact and I can put you in touch with one of these members here. 
You also wrote "but i cant marry while fighting this", this also needs to be addressed and discussed.

The main thing for now is to stay connected here and together we'll pull out of the mud and grow...  
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 22 Dec 2019 20:01 #346155

  • 360gye
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Hey All 4 Hashem,

It is great you are here and concerned about these issues, it shows maturity on your part and a seriousness to resolve the problem you are facing. 
I will tell you there are many people here who struggle with the same/similiar struggle to you and we're all here to support each other and help each other. I can tell you honestly (since i am single and struggled) that you are able to win this battle while single, and it just takes effort on your part, and just finding what works for you-whether it be with others helpign you, or alone (i personally feel working with others is better)
I can also tell you that many married people here will strongly disagree with the statement "the only way to get over female alure is to marry one", an most will say it makes it harder if anything.
There is hope for you, and i;m sure together we will win this battle and you will be a great person and be able to marry the right girl and build a wonderful, kosher family.
If you want to takl one-on-one i am more than happy to do so, feel free to reach me on the private chat or email-360gye@gmail.com

Your friend,
360gye

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 22 Dec 2019 23:23 #346159

Thank you. Rabbi Yaakov (i forgot his last name) posted an article on this site saying this to a guy who cant stop staring at girls tho bh he doesnt watch porn or masturbate. Rabbi Twersky said one should make sure this problem is under control before pulling someone else in (ie dating). Furthermore i talked with someone here who pretty much confirmed im a full blown addict and shouldnt date for that reason. However, the threshold of how to tell when ur ready to date is something i still dont know. My theory is 3 sets of 14 days sonat least when married i can hold off while shes a nidda.

chag sameach

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 23 Dec 2019 00:13 #346160

  • 360gye
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It is wise to try to get this under control prior to dating and including someone else in this struggle. However, even that (i believe) is somewhat dependent on age. You are right that the exact threshold to know when exactly you are confident in control over the addiction is hard to know, and i think it is different for every person depending on their own addiction and level of addiction. 
I wish you much Haztlacha, and stay connected.
Like i said before, if you want to talk privately, i am more than happy to do so

Your friend,
360gye 

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 10 Jan 2020 02:36 #346609

  • Hakolhevel
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If you feel inclined, I would get in touch with dov (just search his name on this forum) and you can also search for a guy called shnitzel and kugel. He's not here anymore, but look at his thread, he stopped dating till he got clean. I think he also left his contact info.

My personal story, I stopped porn and mastirbatiom while dating ( a 1 year process) with one slip, plus I was clean for 3 years after I got married, but not because I worked any program.

Now that i am married it's been really difficult getting it under control. What I have also learned that is that even though I was "clean" for 4 years. Knowing what I know now, I was always listing, and it had an affect on our marriage too, even though I didn't watch porn or masturbate. 

What I am getting at, is I suggest before dating, get into a healthier place. A number of days clean may or may not be a indication of that, so I wouldn't place when to date on a time table. 

Most important is to start working a program ( your own or something else like pa, sa...) But it needs to be consistent.

Now take everything I said with a grain of salt because a) I dont know much about you b) I am not much of an athourity, just sharing my experience.
Last Edit: 10 Jan 2020 02:39 by Hakolhevel.

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 10 Jan 2020 06:06 #346615

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Hakolhevel wrote on 10 Jan 2020 02:36:
If you feel inclined, I would get in touch with dov (just search his name on this forum) and you can also search for a guy called shnitzel and kugel. He's not here anymore, but look at his thread, he stopped dating till he got clean. I think he also left his contact info.

My personal story, I stopped porn and mastirbatiom while dating ( a 1 year process) with one slip, plus I was clean for 3 years after I got married, but not because I worked any program.

Now that i am married it's been really difficult getting it under control. What I have also learned that is that even though I was "clean" for 4 years. Knowing what I know now, I was always listing, and it had an affect on our marriage too, even though I didn't watch porn or masturbate. 

What I am getting at, is I suggest before dating, get into a healthier place. A number of days clean may or may not be a indication of that, so I wouldn't place when to date on a time table. 

Most important is to start working a program ( your own or something else like pa, sa...) But it needs to be consistent.

Now take everything I said with a grain of salt because a) I dont know much about you b) I am not much of an athourity, just sharing my experience.

Dear Hakolhevel, 

Your post scares me, and calls in to question all the progress that I made over the last year. [I am not upset at you in the slightest; just being honest about my feelings after reading your post].

About a year ago, I knew that I would begin dating soon, and that I should come clean. So I went off of porn, installed proper filters, made an account on GYE etc. and had close to 350 cumulative clean days since I made an account on GYE. The few falls that I had over the course of the year were purely triggered by anxiety phases, and were literally predictable beforehand. [You can read the details of my history on my thread].

Now that I am MOSTLY clean for one year [with no signs of imminent slips or falls Baruch Hashem], I was under the impression that I have demonstrated the self control that is necessary to date and to get married Iy"h.

But it seems to me that you are suggesting that I have not necessarily demonstrated the necessary self control for marriage; since you yourself had gone four years clean, until you fell - after three years of marriage...

If you don't mind me asking - what triggered that first fall? Could it have been perhaps preventable? Was it certainly a "relapse" and a return to an issue that you really always had? Or perhaps was it something new?

I hope you understand the gist of my questions... I would just like to have greater clarity as to the "readiness" that is necessary for dating and marriage.

Thanks 

Re: Avoiding jealousy and condescension of ppl dating 13 Jan 2020 02:33 #346664

  • Hakolhevel
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Dear transitioning. I am no expert on when to get married, I only share my experience and hopefully it provides your thought so that your discuss this topic deeper with those who really know you.

Now that's out of the way. Let me just point out a major difference between you and me.

When I was dating I didn't change, I didn't join gye or work on my list (I dont think I was even familiar with the concept). I had just bought into the idea that many bochurim by into, that my problems where just because I'm not married.

​Well, when I started dating I said, I can't be self-respecting, acting out and dating this girl who I will be spending my life with. So I stopped acting out, the same motivation kept when I was married.

But although I stopped acting out, I hadn't changed. I was lusting all the time. Lusting after all the girls in the street, lusting after my wife, trying to get her to do things she wasn't comfortable... I never really tried to control it because I had no idea I was drunk on lust. I thought the only issue is acting out ( porn/masturbation)

This is where your different, you installed filters, joined gye, hopefully you not only stopped acting out, you have hopefully worked on become a changed person. Most of all, I assume you have opened up to someone real in the flesh and blood not just anonymous people on a forum.

No one can promise you longtime sobriety, but with work and effort, you stand a better chance.
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