Forum

Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation.

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting!

Welcome, Guest

GYE

Forum for Jewish Men

Important Threads

Lessons Learned

(0 viewing)

This is a board for all the important threads that we don't want to get lost among the others :-)

Reply Topic

New Topic

Page:
1
2
3
4
5
6

TOPIC: Lessons Learned 12521 Views

Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 12:55 #343507

Dave M Current streak: 294 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder Posts: 142 Karma: 5	Hashem Help Me wrote on 11 Sep 2019 05:24: Watching the three 9's turning into 1000 is a humbling event. I daven to Hashem that He be gomel chessed with everyone here, as He was with me, and allow everyone to witness that number change and what it signifies. Iyh more to follow, but it is quite late for now...…... Mazol Tov! Looking forward....
	https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338039-Trying-to-elevate-my-shmiras-einayim

Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 20:29 #343523

ColinColin Current streak: 20 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 367 Karma: 6	1000 Days That is a gargantuan achievement. Mazeltov! Keep taking it day by day.

Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 21:00 #343524

one_day_at_a_time Current streak: 2005 days OFFLINE Fresh Boarder Posts: 11 Karma: 5	mazel tov!!!!!!!! what would gye be with out you!!! hashem should bencheh you to continue to inspire the chevra here and be mekadesh shem shamiom

Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 21:53 #343527

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

one_day_at_a_time wrote on 11 Sep 2019 21:00:

mazel tov!!!!!!!!
what would gye be with out you!!!
hashem should bencheh you to continue to inspire the chevra here and be mekadesh shem shamiom

Whatever I have accomplished b'ezras Hashem is your doing Reb "One Day At A Time". 1,000 days ago you reached out to me and convinced me to be brave, put shame on the side, and call you. You held my hand and made yourself available to me day after day after day for a very very long time. You even agreed to meet me in person when I felt that it would be beneficial for me, something you had not done before. You are still available when a tough moment occurs, but more important you have become a real chaver. I and many others will be maker tova for life. May Hashem repay you b'kiflei kiflayim!!

Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 23:03 #343530

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

Although 1000 is a milestone, what is more important is understanding that there really is no difference between day 1 and day 1000 if the mind is healthy and kosher. Yes, a streak of x amount of days is mechazek someone that he can b'ezras Hashem be in control, as well as be a mechayev "I don't wish to ruin my streak". However of much greater importance is rewiring the brain.

I will try to share some points that were helpful for me, and hopefully will help others.

1.Sexuality is a koach Hashem put into this world. Lets examine a different force that Hashem endowed us with, electricity. Its power can be harnessed to light up hospitals and yeshivas, pump life giving water, among myriads other tikun olam accomplishments. Unfortunately it can be used in a destructive, even murderous fashion as well. When such an unfortunate occurrence takes place, it means one has corrupted a gift/brocho given to Man to better the world, and has used it against the Benefactor who so graciously gifted it to us. Similarly, sexuality, an incredible force, was given to Man to resemble Hashem and procreate. And in reality when a couple is involved in bringing children to this world, chazal tell us that Hashem is in some way part of the goings on, as a 3rd partner in the development of the fetus. The actual act itself is the pinnacle of intimacy between a husband and wife, if they are living a truly intimate life outside of the bedroom consisting of loyalty, care, concern, support, love, patience, respect, and selfless giving. We refer to such an act as menucha, for when appropriately together, we are returning to the original male/female joined matzav of Adam HaRishon before Chava was separated from him. The human nefesh (of all mankind, regardless of geographic location, culture, or religion) yearns for this state of intimacy and calming satisfaction. This is using the koach of sexuality for true tikun olam -giving, uniting, procreating, all in a G-dly manner causing a nafshiyus'dig uplifting pleasure of serenity, satisfaction, true calm, and yes - holiness. Our Western "sex is evil" poisoned minds must be rewired to understand that our forefathers and the tzaddikim of all generations engaged in sex as avodas Hashem with both components of bein adam l'chaveiro (spouse), and bein adam l'makom. When one unfortunately views pornography he is being trained to corrupt that incredible force and use it selfishly to use and abuse others. The "stars" on the screen have to "protect" themselves from becoming pregnant, so having children is simply out the window. Intimacy, love, loyalty, and care are totally non existent. Its all about my pleasure. Menucha?! Erotic is the goal. Holy? Uplifting? Better sex means more and more animalistic and objectifying. That great brocho Hashem granted to Man is perverted beyond recognition. Of course one who has received his education in the online college of sex cannot fathom how tzaddikim have children. The ironic twist to this is that the pleasure of pornographic sex as compared to the real thing is as negligible as the beauty when comparing a cheap neon light to an awe inspiring magnificent sunset. To be continued...…..

Re: Lessons Learned 12 Sep 2019 01:55 #343531

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

1 (continued). We established that pornography is absolute poison and chas v'shalom will cause major issues in marriage. Not only the obvious danger of the wife finding out that her supposedly frum husband is watching filth and that she is obviously "not enough for him", but even if never caught, the damage is horrendous. As nice as he may be to his wife, there is a most powerful underlying programmed message that his wife is his object, his toy, his "kosher masturbating tool". It is tragic to think that one can be married for decades, and without even realizing it, selfishly use and abuse his wife. Once one has come to the realization that this is the reality, his heart and mind should be ready to undertake to never watch pornography again.

Re: Lessons Learned 12 Sep 2019 14:12 #343539

gyehelp2017
Current streak: 171 days
OFFLINE
Expert Boarder
Posts: 146
Karma: 9

Hashem Help Me wrote on 12 Sep 2019 01:55:

Sexuality is a koach Hashem put into this world. Lets examine a different force that Hashem endowed us with, electricity. Its power can be harnessed to light up hospitals and yeshivas, pump life giving water, among myriads other tikun olam accomplishments. Unfortunately it can be used in a destructive, even murderous fashion as well. When such an unfortunate occurrence takes place, it means one has corrupted a gift/brocho given to Man to better the world, and has used it against the Benefactor who so graciously gifted it to us. Similarly, sexuality, an incredible force, was given to Man to resemble Hashem and procreate. And in reality when a couple is involved in bringing children to this world, chazal tell us that Hashem is in some way part of the goings on, as a 3rd partner in the development of the fetus. The actual act itself is the pinnacle of intimacy between a husband and wife, if they are living a truly intimate life outside of the bedroom consisting of loyalty, care, concern, support, love, patience, respect, and selfless giving. We refer to such an act as menucha, for when appropriately together, we are returning to the original male/female joined matzav of Adam HaRishon before Chava was separated from him. The human nefesh (of all mankind, regardless of geographic location, culture, or religion) yearns for this state of intimacy and calming satisfaction. This is using the koach of sexuality for true tikun olam -giving, uniting, procreating, all in a G-dly manner causing a nafshiyus'dig uplifting pleasure of serenity, satisfaction, true calm, and yes - holiness. Our Western "sex is evil" poisoned minds must be rewired to understand that our forefathers and the tzaddikim of all generations engaged in sex as avodas Hashem with both components of bein adam l'chaveiro (spouse), and bein adam l'makom. When one unfortunately views pornography he is being trained to corrupt that incredible force and use it selfishly to use and abuse others. The "stars" on the screen have to "protect" themselves from becoming pregnant, so having children is simply out the window. Intimacy, love, loyalty, and care are totally non existent. Its all about my pleasure. Menucha?! Erotic is the goal. Holy? Uplifting? Better sex means more and more animalistic and objectifying. That great brocho Hashem granted to Man is perverted beyond recognition. Of course one who has received his education in the online college of sex cannot fathom how tzaddikim have children. The ironic twist to this is that the pleasure of pornographic sex as compared to the real thing is as negligible as the beauty when comparing a cheap neon light to an awe inspiring magnificent sunset.

We established that pornography is absolute poison and chas v'shalom will cause major issues in marriage. Not only the obvious danger of the wife finding out that her supposedly frum husband is watching filth and that she is obviously "not enough for him", but even if never caught, the damage is horrendous. As nice as he may be to his wife, there is a most powerful underlying programmed message that his wife is his object, his toy, his "kosher masturbating tool". It is tragic to think that one can be married for decades, and without even realizing it, selfishly use and abuse his wife. Once one has come to the realization that this is the reality, his heart and mind should be ready to undertake to never watch pornography again.

HHM, your post should be (theatrically speaking) hanging in all the streets of town (instead of all those horrible adds..............). You pointed out so well what sexuality is in it's essence, and how we corrupt our minds with all the porn etc. stuff out there.
As usual, here too you so beautifully brought these points to light. Thank you so much for your clarification, and congrats on reaching 1000 days clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel free to email me at gyehelp2017@gmail.com

My thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/341779-Short-insights-with-long-lasting-results

Re: Lessons Learned 22 Sep 2019 04:27 #343690

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

2. Now that we have established that step one is to clearly understand and firmly decide no more pornography, what is step 2? At this point one must think good and hard if he is doing all that is necessary to protect himself. As a point of view, let's look back 100 years to the nisayon at the turn of the century here in the USA. Shmiras Shabbos came with a price tag of probably losing one's job and not having food to eat. We are not in the position to judge, but from our vantage point in history we can see major statistical differences in the offspring of those who stood up to the challenge (proudly), and those who unfortunately did not. The challenge was awesome. Medicaid and welfare did not exist. People were thrown onto the streets if the rent was not paid. Keeping Shabbos was very costly. In our generation, Hashem is not asking us to starve or live on the street. He is however asking us to inconvenience ourselves to stay pure with Shmiras Einayim V'haBris. Filters may slow our computers. Not everything we need at the moment will be accessible. Is that such a big deal? And let's say it does affect our business a bit? Are we not mechuyav to do what it takes to stay ehrlich?! Do we really care? Did we at least ask a shaila? If one wants to be honest with himself he will find that many successful people in the working world have made the move to communicate exclusively with a kosher phone. They keep a tablet or heavily filtered smartphone in a designated place such as their car or office for work related issues only. They greatly minimized using the web for entertainment, relaxation and killing time. They understand the clarion call of all Gedolei Yisroel that the heter for internet use is for absolute NECESSITY. Of course some businesses demand from their employees to carry a smartphone with them at all times. Ok, but what gedarim have been put in place? Can you install webchaver and make your wife (or someone else that you really will be answerable to) the accountability partner? Can you be mekabel to pay a knas if you use that device for any unplanned relaxation/entertainment purposes? This technique has worked for many who have no other choice. In summary, if we have decided that we really want to stop viewing inappropriate images, have we HONESTLY done all that is possible to be safe? If not, the time is now.

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Oct 2019 03:41 #343984

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

3. An extremely important next step is to accept yourself as you are.I had to learn that my perfectionist tendencies were poison. Hashem created us with urges and adding to that, we made some poor choices in the past that opened doors that were supposed to remain closed. This unfortunately intensifies our urges. At this moment we cant rewind the script of our lives. We have to face reality that we will unfortunately get triggered and will have all kinds of inglorious thoughts. It will take a long time for all that erotic garbage seared into our memory banks to recede. We will want to watch it again - "please, just one more time" - we will so badly want to watch it again. Similarly, the urge to escape tension/rejection or to release stress by mastubating developed into a very bad habit. It will take time and patience to learn healthy and kosher methods to replace masturbation relief. Meanwhile the urge to unzip and "just get it over with and feel better" will exist. We cannot decide that these urges define who we are. Chazal are full of evidence that big tzaddikim had urges. Our job at this point is to focus on the good things we do - learning, davening, doing chessed, etc., and appreciate any baby steps we are taking in the right direction to break free from inappropriate viewing, masturbating, and other related activities. We have pushed shame to the side and reached out for help/admitting our past actions, we have filtered our devices and made other gedarim to avoid triggers (maybe including monetary knasos), and we have begun the process of rewiring our brains about sexuality. These actions are actually true signs of much charata,vidui, and kabala l'asid. This is what Hashem wants. Hashem knows that where we are at today - when we space out, we sometimes will find ourselves daydreaming pornographic images, He knows that when we walk in the street we will notice certain "things". He knows that under stress or other emotional pressures our hands may head to their default "touching" location. And for those of us that are married, He knows the urge we sometimes have to try to convince our wives to help us satisfy selfish disgusting fantasies that we learned online. But Hashem is celebrating our ratzon tov to break free and He will help us because He loves us. Yi'ush has no place in yiddishkeit. Guilt is a completely non-Jewish concept. To walk around with the nose down, continuously looking at yourself as a rasha, loser , or shmatte is wrong, absolutely wrong. In fact, usually it just causes fellows to act out again. "If i am a loser anyway..." On the other hand, charata, feeling bad to the extent that one wants to positively mend his ways is a very Jewish concept. So face it friends, we are going to have urges, sometimes strong ones, but we simply wont act on them. During an urge, hold your head high, be proud, you are not defined by your urges. Think about all the things you do correctly and how much effort you are putting into this parsha. Most of us will iyh develop the ability to say no to that urge using this technique. Hey, i really am a good guy! I am doing what i can and Hashem will help me be in control. I can iyh break out of bad habits and unhealthy thinking. (And if you are a true addict and cant use this strategy, get a sponsor and work the 12 steps, learn how to surrender that urge, and be proud that you can b'ezras Hashem stay pure using that mehalech.)

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Oct 2019 04:30 #343985

Iampowerless
Current streak: 2 days
OFFLINE
Gold Boarder
Posts: 225
Karma: 22

Wow. There is so much wisdom in your last few posts i think it should be required daily reading for anyone who is truly looking to achieve sobriety, in my humble mind sobriety has 3 important aspects to it.
1. Connection it's important to always be connected and feel comftarble chatting with others when you need help and keep yourself connected to others
2. A very strong Why? Why are you looking for sobriety which in essence is step 1 of the 12 step program. Writing it down and reading it daily is extremely helpful to always remind you
3. Acceptance of who you are/Mindfullness/I am extremely sick and powerless but god is extremely powerful and he will help me so theres no reason to panic as its reffered to in the 12 steps. I find that many people who are looking for sobriety are kinda looking to never ever get urges again and of course that won't happen. Real sobriety is about learning tools and mindfullness techniques to accept your urges just as urges and nothing more they aren't that scary at all....... you just gotta "ride those waves" the second we make the urges so scary and get into panic mode we are guaranteed to act out to try to release the panic that we are feeling.
Now just using step 3 without having the strong why or the connection won't work you need all 3 it's a package deal

@Hashemhelpme keep inspiring the world you are an unbelievable person and I have so much to be thankful to you for i have gained more from you for free than all the therapists who i spent a lot of money on........

Love Yankel

Have a great Shabbos

Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need”

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.”

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Oct 2019 12:49 #343995

Dave M
Current streak: 294 days
OFFLINE
Expert Boarder
Posts: 142
Karma: 5

HHM,

Your posts have been amazing and laced with much wisdom. Ironically, when reading some of the amazing posts on GYE, I have mixed feelings. It's unfortunate that these honest and realistic situations are not discussed more in the "open". I understand that when a Rav is speaking on the pulpit there are certain standards that needs to be maintained. Therefore, when discussing these inyunim, vague terms are used. But there is nothing like honest and untainted words that are more successful in penetrating one's heart.

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338039-Trying-to-elevate-my-shmiras-einayim

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Oct 2019 16:47 #344004

Hashem Help Me
Current streak: 1036 days
OFFLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1899

Dave M, in response: In "real life" I am very careful with language. After all, our ability to speak is what elevates us from the animal kingdom. The mouth must be kept pristine. However on GYE I found that our hesitance in being open and blunt did not come from a holy place, rather from either fear of the "monster", or from denial. I suffered from both. The challenge became an anxiety producing, larger than life, monster. It would be impossible to stop or exercise any control. It was as if the eiver had a mind of its own. Sometimes I wanted to just cut it off. I was angry at it, and boy was I scared of it. I would have to hide erections! It became a separate entity from me, and it was calling the shots. Secondly, denial - how could I, a frum guy, talk about masturbation? How could I share those erotic urges I had. No, they must be shoved into a dark closet somewhere where they don't exist - until of course I plotzed and acted out big time. It took me a long time to be able to even write, let alone say," I masturbated" or "I watched pornography/sex". The closest I would get would be to write/say "It happened". Then I graduated to writing m**** or p**** . BH I realized that for my refuas hanefesh I had to write and say the words, knowing exactly what I was admitting to and knowing that it was not larger than life. My eiver is part of me and controlled by my brain. So Dave M, I agree. I wish I could get up in every shul and openly bluntly and beneficially talk about the challenges we all have and be living proof that b'ezras Hashem there is hope. We can stop doing aveiros and we can stop being so tzubrochen. But so far, without gedolei Yisroel instructing otherwise, we have to satisfy ourselves with speaking b'derech remez, convincing rebbeim (including chosson rebbeim) to allow people to comfortably bring up the subject, and privately, one by one help whoever we can. Truth to be told, even if a ho'ra'as sha'ah was made to have public discussions, most of us would hesitate being that open. Hey, we have kids to marry off iyh in the right time.....