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Lessons Learned
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This is a board for all the important threads that we don't want to get lost among the others :-)

TOPIC: Lessons Learned 10900 Views

Re: Lessons Learned 27 Dec 2018 03:21 #338053

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A recurring theme that comes up is "attacks of lust". Whether due to severe stress, a triggering encounter in the street, extended boredom, or the inability to regulate roller coaster emotions, one faces intense urges which threaten to "explode". Some things that have worked for me. 1. Change locations as soon as possible, especially if alone.  2. Get on the phone with a chaver who is willing to hear the exact details of what I am experiencing - what appears like a monster to me, is just a clinical description of my imagination to him. He can let the air out of the balloon... If I cant get through, I leave a voice mail. Somehow by spelling it all out, it loses the intensity.  3. Exercise in some form.  4. Stay calm. Panic and its over. Accept that good normal people have urges. It is not bad to have urges, it is bad to act on them. Knowing to expect these "attacks" from time to time also minimizes their effect.  Hatzlocha to all - I hope this was helpful.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Dec 2018 06:40 #338075

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 25 Dec 2018 12:31:
A few chevra have reached out and are curious what should be their Shovavim "project". Being that these weeks have specific significance in doing teshuva for shmiras habris related issues, people want to actually do something real. Of course many kehillos already have minhagim related to this zman. Be it minyonim saying tehillim, slichos, fasting, special shiurim (which GYE also offers), etc...   Maybe it would be an idea that during this time period we dedicate an amount of time to help others in this struggle. One of the most powerful tools in getting better is to have a partner/mentor/anchor encouraging, advising, sympathizing, etc. Even if you dont feel ready to advise, just being available as a listening ear and supportive shoulder for someone else is a tremendous chessed, and is mighty helpful to the new guy on the block who is courageously pouring out his pain and frustration. Sharing that people actually get better is a reassurance for this tzubrochene neshama. In the zchus of our being mechazek others may Hashem give us a complete slicha and mechila for our past actions and give us extra shmira in our own journeys to kedusha tahara and dveikus b'Hashem.

I heard from a Rosh Yeshiva I know - We see that Moshe became the leader because of his caring and not because of his leadership abilities,
this underscores the point that you dont need to have advice and all the answers.

Re: Lessons Learned 27 Feb 2019 05:06 #339276

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800 days - a random number, yet a humbling one. Thank you Hashem, and thank you GYE chaverim.  Special thanks to those who noticed my absence and reached out to see that all was okay (which actually was not the case due to a family emergency). Knowing that out there in the anonymous world of the forum, someone actually cares about me, is extremely heartwarming. Secondly, during this trying time, when pressure really mounted and it would have been oh so easy to just act out a few times, knowing that chaverim were with me kept me clean. May Hashem bench all of you with brochos ad bli dei!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 27 Feb 2019 16:59 #339282

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Dear HHM,

Yasher koach on reaching 800!  When I first posted a few months ago you were the first one to respond and message me privately, offering me real needed chizuk.  For that, I'm eternally grateful to you.  I look forward to reading your words of inspiration.  May Hashem help you get through your most recent challenge.  Thanks again for all you have done and contributed to this wonderful site.

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Feb 2019 03:21 #339295

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Please allow me to share a thought about the anonymous communication that we engage in here.. Your responses will be appreciated. Through GYE I have developed relationships with many wonderful people. Via forum, chat, PM, email, we have gotten to know each other quite well. In many instances we have "graduated" to swapping phone numbers and speaking on a relatively frequent basis. Some of us have even met. It is great to feel part of a movement and at the same time enjoy the one on one quality friendship. Interestingly, when a quality, growth oriented, relationship develops, and then you meet, real names, age,  and branch of yiddishkeit don't really matter. Its as if our neshamos have already bonded and details at that point are simply trivial.

Sometimes however, this system can cause pain..... One of the first people i "met" through GYE was a very fine bochur from Eretz Yisroel. He was in a real matzav of yi'ush, as i was, and together we got to work. There were so many issues, triggers, but he was a determined fellow. It took many months of "restarting the count", getting his many devices to be really kosher, and to slowly reshape his thinking about sexuality, his self esteem, and his abilities. We rode the rollercoaster together and bh came out on top. When he came to the USA, it was to a location very far from where i live, so meeting was not an option. 

We spoke at least once every two weeks, and quite often more for over two years. The last time we spoke he had bh been clean for close to a year, and shidduch plans were developing. And then about two months ago he disappeared. Poof. Gone. His phone does not answer, his email does not reply. Did something happen to him. Is he in a hospital somewhere? Is he alive? I simply don't know.

I do know his first name, the neighborhood where he lives (lived?) and quite a bit of family info. Is it appropriate for me to do some FBI work? Am i doing it because i care about him, or because i am worried for my feelings of separation anxiety? Also let's not forget that there is (it would appear a very slight) possibility that he chose to cut off from me, and if that's the case i should leave everything as is. Chaverim, please advise.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 28 Feb 2019 04:14 #339296

I don't always reply to your messages but I appreciate them. Just send your weeklies pray for him one day he'll answer. B'hatzlacha
my thread:guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/300426-I-will-make-it-bh">I will make it b"h











very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: Lessons Learned 01 Mar 2019 06:05 #339314

Dear chosheve עובד אלוקים hhm Behashgocho protis I saw your message so I thought I'd try throwing my idea out there...

First of all I'd like to thank you publicly for all your help and support, and I just checked my forum and saw you were the first one to respond and reach out! When helping someone out מוחו ולבו נעשים זכים אלף פעמים ככה (a quote from the בעל התניא) so definitely helps you stay strong by helping others..

Anyhow let's get to the point, I'm chabad and within chabad campus shluchim there's a term called MIA which literally means missing in action, however in the Shlichus context it means someone you had a connection with for a while then suddenly one day, bam! Doesn't answer phone calls, doesn't respond to emails, vanished completely..

There's a few reasons for that, either the Shliach is intimidating him, mixing his nose too much, or that he/she is dating a non Jew and is embarrassed to show his face to the Shliach or simply he's having his mood and a stage in life that he's simply not interested in yiddishkeit anymore.

So in your situation, dont think it's because your intruding his privacy as you've been close for a while already.. it's either because he feels he's recovered fully and wants to forget his past but even then he should of told you so maybe he fell and is embarrassed to tell you...

In these situations there isn't much you can do besides reaching out once in a while and daven for him..  you can't help an adult if he doesn't want to get helped and you've done the best what your able to do, now leave the rest to the one above to help, and definitely not to feel guilty, especially after you've helped him out so much!

Sounds funny that shnitzel is telling hhm the professional what to do... But it's free to post..

Anyhow good Shabbos and may we merit "Shabbos" moshiach times
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)
Last Edit: 01 Mar 2019 06:06 by Shnitzel and kugel.

Re: Lessons Learned 02 Apr 2019 04:50 #340272

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Posted on the evening after petira of Skulener Rebbe zatzal :

As a zchus for the neshomo of the Skulener Rebbe ztzl lets do something extra today to stay clean and help others do the same. This was his battle. Even before technology took center stage, he would publicly beg people to keep immodest publications out of the house, as well as protecting our children's eyes (and our own) in the street. TAG was his creation among many courageous initiatives (Citifield for example) that he took to educate and protect yidden from the dangers of technology and to spread kedusha. He publicly addressed these issues before it became popular to do so.  He also advocated educating younger boys to know what is right and wrong at an age before desire sets in, and explaining how tough it is, which was very novel in his day. Doing so would save many from falling innocently into masturbation, mishkav zachor, etc from simple lack of knowledge that it is assur, and also would open lines of communication for those who were nichshal, thus sparing them the torment of secrecy, anxiety and depression, along with catching it early on before addictive tendencies set in. He was definitely the lochem milchemes Hashem on shmiras ha-bris and shmiras eynayim of our generation.  May he be a meilitz yosher for all of us who are working in these areas, along with all of Klal Yisroel.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 03 May 2019 19:34 #340918

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Thought the forum oilam would like these two machshovos. The first is a big chizuk. The second a big mechayev.

1.    From our chaver EliGYE a beautiful vort: Mitzrayim represents tumah/znus. We were in it - deeply enslaved in it. Finally bh we left. What happens? Mitzrayim chases after us! Hashem "steps in" and says "you did whatever you could, now i will turn over Nature for you and split the sea". Chaver, Hashem tells us the same. "I see you ran away from the shmutz and now its chasing you; you have done all you can so now I will override Nature to save you"2.    Look at the last Ohr HaChaim in Acharei, after the arayos. Perek 18 Possuk 30 Ushmartem es mishmarti l'vilti asos mei'chukos h'ato'eivos.... ani Hashem... He explains Hashem is commanding us to make gedarim/fences to ensure we dont even accidentally come into contact with ti'uv. Even though one will not be judged guilty, the "side effect" of Hashem rach"l moving away from him will sadly occur. (Similar to one who accidentally eats treife. He wont be judged guilty, but timtum ha'lev will unfortunately happen.) Look at it inside, and we can imagine if he was alive today he would demand avoiding all unnecessary internet use and having serious filtering.  
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 11:40 #341332

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This post may be triggering. Proceed with caution. Two nights ago was really rough. I could not sleep - no idea why, maybe all the stress of this time of year catching up. At some point I slipped into that "sweet" land of imagination/lust. The images were so powerful it was like virtual reality. The vulgar scenes I was digging up were so vivid it was as if the scenes were actually taking place in my bedroom. The people "were there". And it felt so good... My body was responding accordingly... Although I never touched or stimulated the eiver physically in any other way, my mind was so out of control and it was so real that if it would have gone on a bit longer, the zera would have all come out on its own. Eventually I actually did fall asleep only to wake up pretty soon after with a wet dream. What I did was a serious issur. Being megareh yetzer hora like that, mekasheh atzmo l'da'as, and causing the wet dream/zera l'vatala (This kind of wet dream was definitely my fault as per the Chazal - meharer b'yom maivee li'yedei tumah b'layla, unlike the subconscious ones that have been written about numerous times...and this was even worse/more direct because it was right before I fell asleep that I was lusting). This next comment you may find strange but I was actually upset by the wet dream being just "a dribble". At least if the wet dream would have been strong I would have had something from it - it was such a flop! The release was so poor and weak, I didn't "benefit" from any sort of calming effect for even a second. I know some may find that comment objectionable but I have to be honest where I am up to.  Needless to say I did not sleep a whole night after that. The next day was really tough. The residuals were powerful. First of all I was exhausted which is always triggering for me. Secondly, I so wanted to taste that fantasy land again with all those things I imagined the night before being done to me (and of course me doing things too - but for me the most powerful images are the other stuff). Numerous times I tensed up "down there" and would have loved to just unzip and... BH I reached out to a few chaverim first thing in the morning and they held my hands and BH things calmed down immensely. I made sure to get to sleep early - with the help of a l'chaim. .......This was a very humbling. Its almost three years into my journey and to have a day where I was honestly afraid that I would masturbate (with a vengeance!) was a real wake up call that "you ain't there yet buddy".....

 A story that I recently heard gave me chizuk: A shtetl cheder rebbi in a poor town brought a cake to class. He had begged the local groceries for flour, eggs, oil, etc...and baked this very special treat. The impoverished boys were delighted. Most did not have enough bread at home. Rebbi distributed evenly cut pieces for the boys. One boy wrapped his slice in a paper. He said his father eats very little so that he can pay for schar limud, so he, this boy, can go to cheder. He wants to show appreciation by bringing his father something to eat. Meanwhile rebbi saw how here and there the boy nibbled a bit of cake. He pulled off a few crumbs from one side and later from another. Curiously he followed the boy home and watched him present his father with the jagged edged nibbled cake. Father embraced him in a hug and tearfully kissed him saying, "I am the luckiest father - I see how much you wanted the cake but still gave so much of it to me". Chevra, tzaddikim of GYE, when we present our "cake of restraint" to Hashem after 120, with all its imperfections, all its slips and falls, He will embrace us and kiss us saying "I see how much you wanted shmutz, I see how much you wanted to act out, and yet look what you brought me, look how much you brought me". 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 11:42 #341333

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If anyone thinks I should reset my count please let me know. I asked and was told that technically the streak is intact according to GYE rules. Regardless I know the truth.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 11:54 #341334

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 21 May 2019 11:42:
If anyone thinks I should reset my count please let me know. I asked and was told that technically the streak is intact according to GYE rules. Regardless I know the truth.

My answer is, "no," but I don't care about gye rules.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 13:42 #341337

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Thanks so much for the share. Especially the last part about really wanting to experience a full relief. I know that feeling well.
Your text last night really helped me.
I appreciate it!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 13:50 #341338

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Rebbe, You are a tzaddik and an inspiration to so many. 

Keep on inspiring us!

 Love Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes

Re: Lessons Learned 21 May 2019 14:00 #341339

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No need to reset unless it happened intentionally while fully awake. But you should accept upon yourself that if you do this again and the same thing happens again, you will reset.

was a real wake up call that "you ain't there yet buddy".....


A Jew is always on the way. We never arrive.
פתחו לי שערי צדק... I stand on the outside still...
זה השער לה' צדיקים יבואו בו

Keep up the good work! Sometimes what looks to us like a slip or fall and makes us feel dirty and down, is actually a higher level than when we're doing great (like the great moshol of the cake).
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 21 May 2019 14:07 by the.guard.
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