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Gibbor's Insights
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TOPIC: Gibbor's Insights 10888 Views

Re: Gibbor's Insights...now # 14 13 Sep 2013 10:42 #219156

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#15

What do we need filters for anyway?

While a filter is obviously not foolproof, it is a wise idea even for techies who can get around it. It still makes it more difficult and puts at least a "heker" between us and porn.

I am considering removing the railing by my staircase. It should be my responsibility not to walk too close to the edge of the stairs, and I can always jump over the railing anyways if I really want to. Just sayin .

my $.02.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 16 Sep 2013 02:14 #219292

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Great post! Feeling an attraction to your wife is normal. Porn and Masturbation are substitutes for and an escape from the normal-the realization of physical intimacy with your wife, which really should be culmination of emotional intimacy with your wife.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 16 Sep 2013 02:16 #219293

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You don't need to plan a "sexy vacation." your own bedroom with the door locked, especially on Shabbos and YT, can serve as the destination where the phhysical relationship with your wife serves as "what happens here , stays here,"

Re: Gibbor's Insights 16 Sep 2013 02:18 #219294

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R Berel Wein was once jogging in Yerushalayim and jogged right past R Shlomoh Zalman Auerbach ZTL. R Auerbach ZTL commented Unismartem Meod Lnafshoseicem is also a Mitzvah.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 16 Sep 2013 02:22 #219295

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gonnabekodosh wrote:

"When looking at porn and masturbating we are very focused on ourselves - our selfish pleasure"

Look at it this way-I can't believe that your marital intimate life doesn't suffer when you are in the throes of this garbage.

Re: Gibbor's Insights...now # 14 16 Sep 2013 02:24 #219296

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This "filter" has been B"H working since I have been clean. Our computer is in the basement, When I get up in the morning, I simply close the door, and proceed with whatever I have to do before going to learn and daven. It is a symbolic and powerful act of choice of choosing good and refraining from evil.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 16 Sep 2013 02:26 #219297

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Absolutely-Look at the Nusach of Neilah.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 25 Jan 2014 00:04 #226916

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#16 - the minhag here at GYE is to quote thyself. The minhag when quoting thyself is to state that you are fulfilling the GYE minhag of quoting thyself .

Here goes:
gibbor120 wrote:
Welcome! Great question!

First of all, marriage will not fix the problem. You seem to be aware of that. The next question is, how will your masturbation habbit/addiction (circle one ) affect your marriage? How will hiding it affect your marriage? What if your wife eventually catches you (as mine did ) - how will that effect your marriage (hint: it won't be pretty).

You did not mention pornography in your post. Do you have a problem with porn as well?

Here are a couple of posts from the Q&A section:
www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/startDating.asp

guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/do-i-have-to-tell-my-date?category_id=281

guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/three-reasons-to-date-someone-who-has-recovered-from-sex-addiction

Hatzlacha!

Re: Gibbor's Insights 28 Sep 2014 17:11 #240402

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# 17

Allergy and Obsession

According to AA (or SA in our case) it is a 2 part "disease".
1) obsession of the mind
2) allergy of the body

The obsession means we can't just ignore it, for we are obsessed with it. The allergy means that once we take a sip, we cannot stop.

One of the big AA gurus says that powerlessness is not only the second stage (the allergy stage), but for the first stage too (the obsession stage). The guy who is allergic to peanuts can simply avoid peanuts - relatively easy. Now imagine that he had a crazy "lust" for peanuts and he was obsessed with it. Not easy at all. THAT is our situation.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 13 Nov 2014 15:10 #243332

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# 18
Tellin' it like it is!


gibbor120 wrote:
I also have no personal experience with this B"H, but it is VERY serious. Do you have a Rav you can speak to? Many lives are at stake here. GET HELP! You may have to be up front with this lady and tell her that you must cease all contact with her. I don't know. I don't know you or the situation well enough to say. BUT PLEEEEEASE GET HELP, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! You cannot "hope" that it goes away. You must DO something, and it may be something drastic, but the alternative is worse!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 13 Nov 2014 15:11 #243333

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# 19

We are not in Control


gibbor120 wrote:
You make a good point, and I have struggled with that question as well.

If you have read and/or listened to Dr. Sorotzkin, I'm not sure how much I can add. I will try anyway. One thing that helped me was to realize that I am not in control. I can do G-d's will to the best of my ability, and that's all.

A lot of perfectionism is based on feeling low. So, if I am perfect no one (including G-d) can have tainos on me. Then I get stressed because, hard as I try, I am not perfect, and I'm trying to escape the wrath of Hashem and people. So-and-so over there learns better than me. This one has more money. This one has is more popular, or has a nicer voice. The list is endless.

If I focus on serving G-d to the best of MY ability, with the talents that G-d gave ME, and let go of my stress. The more I realize that all I can do is try, and the outcome is in Hashem's hand, the less stress I feel.

I'll give a fictional example. I'd like to be on time to shul. So, I keep checking my watch, I want to leave at a certain time. Then one of the kids needs something, so I yell, because I'm uptight, because I HAVE to be on time. I mean the KING is waiting for me. I put tons of pressure on myself. The light is turning red so I plow through and almost hit a pedestrian and cause a chillul Hashem.

Instead, I can say. I was going to be on time, but one of my children, one of Hashems children needs something. What is the right decision right now? To take care of him. I am running late. It's ok. I can't control everything. The light turned red, and I will be even later. Again, there's nothing I can do. It's out of my control.

I hope I illustrated a certain mindset. When I change my mindset to do what Hashem wants right now, my stress level goes way down. When I think I have to make it to shul or Hashem will be angry with me, I'm not really serving Hashem. I'm worried about my own schar v'onesh.

Some of this is hard to convey in words. I hope it helps.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 11 Jan 2015 19:42 #246949

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# 20

Findin' the Wife Attractive


gibbor120 wrote:
Moshe eyes wrote:
2. it would deffinately help if she had more good traits. i have bad traits and so does she. but if she had more good traits than me and i felt that than it would maybe make me less concerned with looks
I'm not sure why she has to have more good traits than you?

The second point you make is very important "and I felt that". Ok, now find and focus on her good traits. If you clean up your side of the street, you may find she has more good traits than you think. Some of her "bad" traits may be her response to your bad traits kmayim panim el panim. I've seen many guys come here and complain about their wives. Once they clean up their act, all of a sudden their wife is much nicer to them, and prittier too.

Moshe eyes wrote:
3. im not thinking about divorce seriously enough to dicuss it. i may decide to stay married forever.
so you are just kvetching. Hey, we all need to kvetch sometimes. I would stay away from the "D" word even if you are just kvetching.

Moshe eyes wrote:
4. a marriage counsler that didnt have my issue wouldnt be able to help. ein kemo baal hanisayon
I'm not sure that is true. But since we are not discussing the "D" word, I'll drop it.

Moshe eyes wrote:
The Torah makes a strong point on the beauty of the matriarchs.....
... and Rashi in several places makes a point that the avos didn't notice their physical beauty until it was neccessary (hinei na yadati...) Also, Yehuda did not know what Tamar looked like etc. etc. They were primarily concerned with their spiritual qualities.

Rav Dessler talks about the chazal that a person should not marry a woman until he sees her. He says that this chazal is only k'neged the yetzer hora. When a person will want to get rid of his wife, he'll say, that had I known what she looked like, I wouldn't have married her. If he already saw her, he cannot say that. But in reality, it is atzas hayetzer, and shouldn't matter what she looks like.

Now I know we are not on that madreiga, and a person needs to have a physical attraction to his wife. I'm just making a point. You seem to have admitted that sometimes she does look nice to you, so you have something to work with.

In any event, you have a lot to work on before you can say that you are not physically compatible. I think if you work on some things, you will find your wife much more attractive than you ever imagined.


Here's the link to the entire thread:
Ummm....Would you happen to know if my wife is pretty?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
Last Edit: 11 Jan 2015 19:42 by cordnoy.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 15 Jun 2015 12:00 #256871

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cordnoy wrote:
# 6

Suffering leads to Growth

There is a famous quote in the big book to that effect. Something like "I needed each and every drink to get where I am today". The realization that all the hardship is a necessary part of our growth process.


Perhaps I once understood this. ...it is probably true though.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 06 Dec 2015 03:53 #270525

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# 21

Gibbor: Is there a pain in the world?

gibbor120 wrote:
tttzyk wrote:
I want to stop because it is wrong. It hasn't stopped me now because when I have the taavah, it makes me lose perspective and in the moment, the pleasures in the short run out weight right and wrong.

100% true. Short term pleasure wins 99.99999 times out of 100.

tttzyk wrote:
I guess I'm looking for methods to help me keep perspective even when I have a strong ta'avah.

The first thing is to avoid triggers at all costs. That means avoiding looking, fantasizing, etc.

There are emotional triggers as well. Lonliness, depression, anger, resentment, etc. For those we need to learn to live differently, to make friends, to rely on Hashem, to realize EVERYTHING comes from Him and he loves us to pieces!

When all else fails, call a friend and talk it out.

tttzyk wrote:
Alternatively, mitoch shelo lishmah ba lishma, if I have some other short term immediate neagtive consequence which can potentially negate the pleasures of being nichshal (like the tafsik method) and will stop me from acting on my taavos... I'm happy with that too.

I haven't found any pain that is painful enough to stop me when I have a strong desire. Have you?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Gibbor's Insights 22 Dec 2015 11:05 #272023

  • Josephsbrother
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So true.
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