Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread.
(0 viewing) 
If you've made progress - thank G-d, double your merit by inspiring others as well! Post the tips and advice that worked best for you in your journey to sobriety or tell us about recommendations you heard from others that work.

TOPIC: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 6543 Views

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 14 Apr 2011 03:43 #104167

  • Dov
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Baby-steps; Easy does it.
  • Posts: 1915
  • Karma: 333
world wrote on 13 Apr 2011 21:09:

dov wrote on 12 Apr 2011 21:27:

Thanks for giving me a setting to share that, World!


Thank YOU for sharing.
I don't know how you post so long.
It took me four different logins to read your whole post.
Important insights.  Thanks Dov.


I promise you that it's not mine....but you are welcome anyhow. 
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 14 Apr 2011 11:21 #104200

  • TheJester
dov wrote on 12 Apr 2011 21:27:

My favorite tool for getting the thoughts out of my head is ignoring them. I have discovered that I really am the ba'al habos of my head...sometimes.


Dov, you are beautifully eloquent, and your post was clear in a way that I could never be.

Something I'd like to add is that I find ignoring, on its own, difficult.  That's mostly because I have a relatively empty head, and my thoughts often jump around a lot.

Therefore, I need to ignore and replace.  Otherwise, the thought will ask "why are you ignoring me?", and I'll strike up a conversation with it, and it will keep pestering me.

When people immersed in Torah & Avodah ignore it, there is Torah and Avodah to replace the thought (See also Perek 28 in Tanya).  When people like me are on the train, and not doing anything useful...  Or lying in bed...  Or overtaking a bus full of cheerleeders on the highway...  Ignore and replace works best for me.
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 14 Apr 2011 16:53 #104215

  • Dov
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Baby-steps; Easy does it.
  • Posts: 1915
  • Karma: 333
Sometimes there is a busload of cheerleaders being driven around in our brains!

Really, thanks for your kind words, and I really meant what you wrote: replace self-centered self-pleasuring with trying to help others (=anybody besides me); replace the lying with openly telling the sometimes-ugly truth to another person; replacing the obvious belief that every single lust/porn/sex addict harbors, that "Hashem obviously does not have a clue what I really need. For what I feel I need is porn, sex fun, and fantasy - yet lo and behold: when I get into the habit of using it, my inner and outer life get wrecked! (we all scream inside:)It should not work that way! He obviously is not running this world right, at all!" ...replacing that perspective with some humble prayer to Him, for a change.

Early on, we typically daven to Him telling Him what we need! "I need You to take away this challenge from me completely!/make the bikini ladies go to the other street, quick!/ make me ignore the legs of the lady in the canned food isle/make me forget that porn I just watched (for an hour)!...etc.

This is not humble tefilah and is not the way it works, at least for me. It is actually just a continuation of the very same thing we were always doing before, while searching for schmutz or while we were masturbating to take care ourselves and "make things feel right'. It was not essentially evil - we were just trying to take care of ourselves and we kno it! And so does He! But davening that way is just more of being in the Driver's seat. In prayer! Lo zu haderech, in recovery. Maybe it'd be OK for normals (I daresay it is!), but not for us - it just perpetuates our diseased thinking. We need nothing less than surrender, our experience tells us. Surrender to the truth about ourselves (the disease) and surrender to Hashem.

"Surrender to the disease?! Gevalt! That means giving in to it!" No. It doesn't. The disease is not in charge of anything, Hashem is. And maybe I can be, too, with His power. But not a disease. True, the disease must be respected and adjusted to - but it controls nothing.

Sorry for the rambling, but you really struck a cord. Thanks for reminding me of all this, as I need it today.

Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 01 May 2011 18:45 #104812

  • im not alone
we all need to understand that when an urge attacked us, we only need to push it off for a few short minutes, its not -that individual urge- a long battle to deal with.

You need to stay focused for just a few minutes till the urge disappears, so when an urge hits you. before the urge takes over full control of yourself (yes i think there is stages within an urge) vow to come on the forum and write to anyone, even in the joke thread. Or vow to do anything else  (not something that takes too long. just something you will enjoy and doesn't take much time)

Of course even you successfully pushed away THAT urge, another urge could and would come again,but thats would be a new urge nothing related to the previous urge

For me I found it extremely helpful. even as a general tool to overcome this addiction (Ive mentioned it in a few of my posts), because ultimately every fall starts with an urge
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 20 Jun 2011 09:54 #109069

  • Blind Beggar
  • Current streak: 115 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Not a sexaholic, just trying to be good.
  • Posts: 780
  • Karma: 12
The Chofetz Chaim at the very end of Shmiras Haloshon, Chasimas Hasefer perek 3, says if an unclean thought comes into your head, look at your tzitzes and it will go away.
The Blind Beggar is a character in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Seven Beggars.
If I view a woman as an object, I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look.
I can guard my eyes.
I want to guard my eyes.
I do guard my eyes.
Why do I say these four lines?
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 20 Jun 2011 22:40 #109172

  • Dov
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Baby-steps; Easy does it.
  • Posts: 1915
  • Karma: 333
Blind Beggar wrote on 20 Jun 2011 09:54:

The Chofetz Chaim at the very end of Shmiras Haloshon, Chasimas Hasefer perek 3, says if an unclean thought comes into your head, look at your tzitzes and it will go away.
Beautiful! Notice that he zt"l did not say to fight it really hard by looking at your tziztis, but to look at your tzitzis instead of lusting. And Hashem will help with the fight - Only He is 'Ish milchamah', not us.

...and that is all talking to non-addicts! For normal people also get lust thoughts!

Truly beautiful.
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: by .

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 12:00 #275397

  • Shteeble
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1944
  • Karma: 24
Bumping this thread.
Please read the first post, and add any ideas.
(Oh, and Bigmoish, I know what you're thinking...)
Thank you.

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 12:27 #275399

  • cordnoy
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11283
  • Karma: 521
I'm usually a goner by then.....I need to stop it before it enters head.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:09 #275419

  • Bigmoish
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Pogo
  • Posts: 1095
  • Karma: 150
Shteeble wrote:
Bumping this thread.
Please read the first post, and add any ideas.
(Oh, and Bigmoish, I know what you're thinking...)
Thank you.

Can you give me a hint? If you know, at least help me out a little...
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:13 #275421

  • Shteeble
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1944
  • Karma: 24
Well, if you act out, then the urge will get out of your head.

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:34 #275423

  • Gevura Shebyesod
  • Current streak: 2345 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 3872
  • Karma: 435
Not for very long...
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:36 #275424

  • Bigmoish
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • "We have met the enemy, and he is us." - Pogo
  • Posts: 1095
  • Karma: 150
Interesting thought, but since you seem serious about recovery, that is not actually what I was thinking.
In an attempt to lure cordnoy into this conversation, perhaps we can allow for ideas on how to prevent the urge from entering your head as well.
FAQ's (Great for newcomers!!!)
Handbook | Skep's Tips
My threads:
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
"We are our own worst observer" - eslaasos's therapist
WDHW!!!

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:48 #275425

  • Shteeble
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1944
  • Karma: 24
I would prefer to keep this thread to the purpose it was started for.

However, I would very much appreciate such ideas to be posted on my "attempt at honesty" thread (link below).

Thanks.

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 25 Jan 2016 16:53 #275426

  • cordnoy
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11283
  • Karma: 521
Yid1 wrote:
I would prefer to keep this thread to the purpose it was started for.

However, I would very much appreciate such ideas to be posted on my "attempt at honesty" thread (link below).

Thanks.


then, I will keep quiet here.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: getting the urge OUT of your head.... the thread. 15 Mar 2016 23:36 #281419

  • Dov
  • OFFLINE
  • Administrator
  • Baby-steps; Easy does it.
  • Posts: 1915
  • Karma: 333
Some Rabbonim tell guys to get engaged. They say that real sex in marriage will get the silly temptations out of their heads. (I was told this even after I told a Rov about my problem!)

For guys who are already habitually masturbating and romancing fantasy women in porn for years....boy, are those Rabbonim so dead wrong. It's so very sad...of course no sex can compete with fantasy sex and the porn images strangle and real sexuality.

But now after some years sober bH...I say the same thing (sort of)! And it responds nicely to the very question of this thread:

Get engaged in real life. (same word, different usage  )

Living in fantasy makes little or no room for real life, or for real emotions in real life, and creates even more hunger for fantasy. Compared to any fantasy, real life - even a life of Torah and avodah - stinks.

Now, in recovery we addicts basically learn to more comfortably engage in the realities of real life...the subject of all the steps. So, I discovered that non-addicts do much better when they engage more actively in real life. The more into real living they become, then less drawn to fantasy they find themselves to be. Trusting that, is a challenge. That is where therapy can help a lot.

An illustration:

Some guys find that as long as they are shteiging away 'with a brenn' in yeshivah, they are saved from their own lusting behaviors. We usually like to attribute that to 'Torah is meiging umatzli'....but it is not the reason. The real reason is that we are not in real life there, at all. They are away from home, in a yeshivah w/o work, w/o money issues, w/o family life, and w/o real responsibilities. As they say, 'ein ben chorin ella mi sh'osek baTorah!' Yeshivah is a greenhouse.

No wonder the draw to fansaty is not that strong for some guys there. They have no real life issues there!

The escape from facing real life issues makes for a peace borne of blissful ignorance. I went through that in EY - didn't masturbate for nearly 2 years while I was there - though prior to going I did it practically daily. When I came back, it hit me like a hammer. Coupled with the depression of failing the EY model of bitul olam hazeh, I also had a horror to tend to: real life was there again, waiting for me. I was 20 years old and life was a combination of problems of the present and of the looming future - and the past wouldn't leave me alone, either. Needless to say, I tanked. 

When life sucks, engaging in it is nothing but a horror. Addiction thrives in that environment.

So if you want to learn how to get the urge out of your head and you are not (yet) an addict, the answer is simple:

Learn how to engage in real life with comfort so that you have no need to run away into play-land. You have one. It's right there, with your family (sorry  ) and your self (sorry there, too  ). If you cannot seem to do it, then for G-d's sake, see a good therapist right away and get the help you need to start living in your real life, not in someone else's. Real life is great and there is nothing like really being engaged in it and not running.
 

 
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2016 20:49 by Dov. Reason: emogees were not right, R"l
Time to create page: 0.58 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes