Guard Your Eyes - Forum Kunena Site Syndication https://guardyoureyes.com Wed, 23 Jan 2019 20:15:25 +0000 Kunena 1.6 https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/icons/rss.png Guard Your Eyes - Forum https://guardyoureyes.com/ en-gb Subject: cant find the will - by: mamishagevald https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338608-cant-find-the-will#338608 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338608-cant-find-the-will#338608 Introduce Yourself Wed, 23 Jan 2019 17:16:09 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338608-cant-find-the-will#338608 Subject: So bored - by: seinayim https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338592-So-bored#338592 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338592-So-bored#338592 Introduce Yourself Tue, 22 Jan 2019 20:18:49 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338592-So-bored#338592 Subject: I'm back, and just want to be CLEAN - by: Shmiras_3.0 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338492-Im-back-and-just-want-to-be-CLEAN#338492 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338492-Im-back-and-just-want-to-be-CLEAN#338492 who cares

Did i abuse my filter today to look at whatever Nude pictures אתרוג didn't mannage to filter?    Did i masturbate in the last 2 years, after such a long and quality period of sobriety?      Am i NOT EVEN TRYING to do the most minimal efforts to controll my lust?    yes

Why am i back?    to be clean, that's all.       [וכל המסתאף אליו]

Why didn't i simply ask for the forgotten password to my old username?  because i am here for myself, not to preach-teach-sponsor

PS  This site (and corporation) has come a VERY long way since the last time i have been here. And that's just GREAT becuase a single google immage search for "porn" might just CRASH THE SERVER, whereas people eating their heart out in shame and חרטה, still don't know about this wonderfull tool that has helped so many...]]>
Introduce Yourself Wed, 16 Jan 2019 14:51:19 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338492-Im-back-and-just-want-to-be-CLEAN#338492
Subject: My story... - by: mendy trying https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338481-My-story#338481 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338481-My-story#338481
its started when I was a young boy, probably 14 years old, while in the swimming pool, a friend told me that if you do so and so it’s gonna feel very good.., and that’s how it started, this boy was as innocent as I was, I didn’t even realize that I’m doing anything wrong, until I was dragged in completely into the cycle. 

im now 28 years, I don’t think I had a 30 day sober since then,  I married, had children, nothing changed, I just keep piling up more shame and guilt, I tried to stop I prayed, I cried, I punished myself, but here I am, when I realize now that this is 14 years, I have tears in my eyes, where am I!, I wanna get out of this misery.

finding gye was relive for me seeing that I’m not the only one with this problems, but on the other hand sceard me, I’m scared of being an addict, I who am a husband, father, role model am an addict!? I who represents  myself as  a smart, intelligent, full of wisdom guy, how can I be a s** addict?? ]]>
Introduce Yourself Wed, 16 Jan 2019 04:17:23 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338481-My-story#338481
Subject: My Painful Story - by: Tzadik12 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338453-My-Painful-Story#338453 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338453-My-Painful-Story#338453 I was a mere 7 years old, a little naïve chasidish boy, when I was first introduced to anything sexual, by a first cousin of the same age – who, as I much later found out, has previously been molested by an adult – I was very hesitant and uncomfortable at first, but ended up getting used to it, and spreading my knowledge to other friends in school.

I had no idea how bad what I was doing was, all I knew is that it’s a fun game and a secret game.

A couple of weeks later, I was caught by school staff, I was punished, I didn’t really understand the severity of it, but I just knew that I had to keep my secret game even more secret.

2 years later at the age of 9, one Shabbos afternoon I was caught by my father red-handed with a neighbor of my age, my father beat me black and blue. (footnote: I currently have a very close relationship with my father). I had no idea that I had black and blue marks on my face, until my rebbi in yeshiva asked me the next day what happened to me, when I answered that nothing happened, he asked ‘so what are all these marks’ then it struck me that I need a better answer so I said, ‘oh, I just fell down a flight of stairs’.
Until I got home from Yeshiva, I had no clue why everyone was staring at me. When I got home I looked in the mirror, and I was so traumatized of how I looked, that it took me weeks to loo in the mirror again.
At that point I went underground, I knew that this secret is of the highest level, and I started desiring it even more and more. I was still a young kid, but I always managed to keep sexual relationships with friends and cousins.

When I went on to Yeshiva Ketana it only worsened. At age 16 I was introduced to porn magazines, and then videos, and for the following 21 years it has been a constant roller-coaster, of downs and ups and again downs, Determinations that “That’s It!” and then downfalls, over and over again.

In between I got married and it didn’t help a bit. I’ve had times that I’ve been clean for months, then I dropped back into the shmutz for months. And so it went on for many years.

I’m going to leave out a lot of the drama that went on throughout the years, and I’ll jump to where we are now.

Hashem pulled the slingshot all the way down in order to catapult me out of this sewage plant.

One morning I received an unsolicited text message from an unknown sender, a message that was intended for someone else, with a pornographic picture and asking me to meet up with her after a failed prior attempt to meet up.

Instead of replying “wrong number” and deleting the message, I replied: "I’m not your intended recipient, however I still enjoyed the picture."

She replied with even more pictures, we then chatted a little more and then she asked me to enter an online chat at which point I stopped communicating with her.

The next night I flew out of the country for business, and meanwhile my dear wife somehow found the text messages, I’m not going to go in to the details of that, but before I came home my wonderful wife had already contacted GYE she had the whole thing set up for me. AND HERE I AM.

For the first time since I was 7 years old I finally feel liberated. I hope to ride out this journey with all of you, and help each other out on the way, and conquer this Yetzer Hora.

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Introduce Yourself Mon, 14 Jan 2019 22:34:33 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338453-My-Painful-Story#338453
Subject: Help - by: seinayim https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338392-Help#338392 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338392-Help#338392 Introduce Yourself Fri, 11 Jan 2019 17:33:56 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338392-Help#338392 Subject: Still chugging - by: Issac https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338367-Still-chugging#338367 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338367-Still-chugging#338367 I'm married with 2 kids and been struggling since bochurhood. Mainly with internet, phone lines and Ho"z. I"ve tried to stop many times and thought that "oh now I've got it" only to be quickly let down. It got very demoralizing

when I came here I saw so many other people who go up and downhill but keep on chugging. I tried the Taphsic method a few months ago but it didn't work. Now I'm trying the 90 day chart.

I'm not sure what will stick but it makes tons more doable when it's with other people

You guys are awesome!]]>
Introduce Yourself Thu, 10 Jan 2019 21:55:21 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338367-Still-chugging#338367
Subject: Hello - by: mburns https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338353-Hello#338353 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338353-Hello#338353 mburns.ship@gmail.com]]> Introduce Yourself Thu, 10 Jan 2019 16:12:33 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338353-Hello#338353 Subject: Hello from new member but longtime fighter - by: Chever-ihr https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338305-Hello-from-new-member-but-longtime-fighter#338305 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338305-Hello-from-new-member-but-longtime-fighter#338305
I never had formal knowledge as to what sex was and why PMO is so detrimental to your life in almost every way and I basically had to fight the fight on my own. When I was 12 I asked my father what nidda was because we heard it on a shiur in the car and he said it's a type of tumah and gave me a very vague explanation of sex by saying that from where I go pee pee I meet with a woman who has a hole there and that's how babies are formed. That was the beginning and end of our discussion about sex or kedusha or shmiras einayim. I don't blame him c'v because I understand that everything is by hashgacha, but likely a lot of trouble could've been avoided if I was even marginally educated.

When I was a teen, technology started becoming more widely available and Internet access was not a problem for me. At first I began to look at what I did purely out of curiousity but it quickly developed into a full-fledged addiction as time went on and my internet access became more unrestricted.I would watch inappropriate material almost daily and would not be able to stay clean from sh'zl for more than a few days or at most a week or two. When I wasn't doing that, I was watching hours and hours of romantic movies and comedies and dramas to give myself some sort of emotional jolt. I realized after many years that I struggled with this particular issue so terribly because I did not get too much (authentic) love and affection from my parents and I was so hungry for it that I searched for it on screen and then later in person with girls I came in contact with. (I know this is not an excuse and neither do I think for a second that any of this is anything but totally my fault. But I’ve learned a principle along the way- the yetzer hara will only ever attack you where there is weakness. This is a klal across the board. He cannot just approach you one day and order you to sin, but he will feed on an open wound and use it against you. The biggest defense you can put up against him is knowing what you weak spots are and you will be better informed. If you have a rough day, be on guard. He will never attack when things are looking up and you had a great day at work, everyone is smiling at you etc.)

This write up is, in a way, my confession aspect of my teshuva process because the rambam writes that you must confess your aveiros and I know that the more I think about what I have done and become internally disgusted by it I know I am on the path to truly leaving this in the past. I do struggle with thoughts that come up of previous memories of certain actions or images that have become firmly planted in my brain but I guess that’s part of the Teshuva too. My rebbi told me that everytime I am reminded of something and it disgusts me, I am fulfilling more and more of the Teshuva because it shows that its really behind me.

All of this time I knew what I was doing was miserable and wrong. I learned all the relevant halachos, listened to many shiurim and was constantly going to the mikva, especially after fallings. There were times when I was in the mikva more than once a day because I had fallen at 9 am1pm3pm etc. My rationalization was that the mikva is only a block away and worst case I can always go there again and I’ll be clean. But obviously echteh v’ashuv echteh v’ashuv doesn’t work. It was a really bitter few years. Knowing it was wrong and actively fighting it on a constant basis was very depressing because it was a vicous cycle that I could not break loose from. It’d be one thing if I didn’t know or care, but I knew how harmful it was and really wanted to stop but couldn’t bring myself to go more than a very short period without it. The last few leading up to my wedding and subsequent kicking the habit for the most part were the worst.

I was in a graduate school program with mostly non Jewish but also some Jewish girls and that got me into a lot of trouble too. I was freer and had my own car and played the same game with every girl I met- trying to make them love me and tell me that I’m worth something. It almost always got very sexual very quickly. I was alone in this battle and was too ashamed to speak to anyone about it. When I was 15 I briefly and vaguely brought it up to my 10th grade rebbi but nothing happened after that conversation because I never went back to him. I brought it up in a little bit more of a direct way to my beis medrash (and current) rebbi but I never really pursued having serious conversations about it (although he did speak about it often in yeshiva and shiur and it was very helpful.)

Towards the end of my graduate program, I met my wife. Within two months we had agreed that we are good for each other and got married two months after that. I got married about a month after graduating (my wife also finished her degree a little after me) and we lived happily ever after… or so I thought. Baruch Hashem she is incredible and the best thing that ever happened to me, but I quickly learned the hard way that getting married would not solve my problem.Granted, I only sinned willingly once or twice since my marriage but I honestly thought I was cured. I was not. Marriage definitely helps, don’t get me wrong, but it is not a magic pill for a sexual addiction. I went into the marriage not really knowing anything about how to live with a girl under the same roof and the only intimate stuff I was exposed to was from movies and dirty movies. I went in with twisted expectations and had no other education. I can’t say that I expected it to be exactly like I saw on screen because everyone knows while they’re watching it that it’s not real and far from a realistic portrayal, but there were many things about how we were intimate that were far off and not healthy to have in a marriage. This led not only to feelings of self-consciousness about my intimacy but to me sometimes going overboard and getting her to be intimate with me even though she was not in the mood or feeling well. I’m very smooth with my words and it worked for me but I knew it was wrong of me to do that to her. I found myself going back to dirty sites not because I was unsatisfied with her or how she looks, but because I just felt this hunger and knew I was still deep in the hole.

Baruch Hashem, after many months of working on myself and keeping to the regimen I had been doing all these years of learning, mikva and constant chizuk I finally felt like I was breaking free of the chains. It’s been about two years since I can remember watching or doing anything b’meizid (about December 2016/January of 2017) and only lately can I really say that now I feel alive. Even though I stopped, it took about another 6 months-a year after January 2017 that I truly felt like I’m living. In many ways I feel like I was reborn. Suddenly I have a desire for kedusha, suddenly I feel like I want to learn torah and get closer to Hashem. It’s no secret that sh’zl holds you back from kedusha and literally clouds your head physically and spiritually.Baruch Hashem we have a little boy and another baby on the way b’shaa tova. My family is my trophy for winning this battle. My son is beautiful and incredible Baruch Hashem. There are doctors out there that might say he should’ve been flushed down the toilet, but they can go fly a kite. Nothing is more beautiful than a jewish child.

My wife doesn’t know the extent of my struggles but I have told her some of it. She doesn’t need to know every detail. If you decide to tell your wife or potential wife, do it gently and after you’ve already been married for a while. The less they know the better because otherswie she’ll be overthinking everything and it’s just not necessary. It might make her uncomfortable and it’s better left unsaid or said sparingly. Baruch Hashem we have a beautiful healthy marriage and a loving relationship that is built on love, not lust.

I will make a separate post of my particular tips that might be helpful to fight the struggle and maintain distance from falling in the future.I hope my story is helpful and if even one person gets chizuk from this entire write up I will be very happy. I was all along in my struggle and no one helped me. Hashem stood by my side and after years and years of fighting and davening for Him to help me, He pulled me out of the hole. Don’t give up on Him and most importantly yourself. There’s no word in lashon kodesh for ‘failure.’ Therefore, it’s not in God’s dictionary. It shouldn’t be in yours either.Hatzlacha and bracha.]]>
Introduce Yourself Tue, 08 Jan 2019 23:34:31 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338305-Hello-from-new-member-but-longtime-fighter#338305
Subject: NEWCOMER - by: ydid https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338184-NEWCOMER#338184 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338184-NEWCOMER#338184 Introduce Yourself Thu, 03 Jan 2019 19:30:29 +0000 https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/338184-NEWCOMER#338184