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Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict
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TOPIC: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 4560 Views

Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 08 Mar 2010 15:51 #56932

  • silentbattle
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I'm guessing you live in a small community, which makes it more difficult...are there any SA meetings in your area? WOuld you consider doing something like that?

In general, going for one or two sessions may not help as much as you'd like...not sure about that, though.

I suppose everyone is different, but personally, I prefer going to a frum therapist (assuming that they're good), because I feel they can truly understand me a bit better.

Thank you for the vort - we need to remember that!
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 08 Mar 2010 23:14 #57034

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Hi ZalmanDovid and it's great to read your story and follow-ups to it. It's nice to see that you care enough about yourself now to "not take it any more". Also, it's nice to see you have kept your sense of humor.

I have heard many fellows tell of similar early-aged beginnings in the problem of lust. And I also suggest you consider SA. I have been going to SA for over 13 years and have not been "found out" yet. Neither have any of my frum and non-frum and for that matter - non-jewish - associates.
The problem that most folks who I meet really have with going to meetings is that they know it'll be uncomfortable. There is often some panic inside before coming face to face with a room full of recovering perverts. Oh my. I remember it still today. It's quite funny, actually: I endanger myself to get mixed up in porn and other behaviors that could eventually get me arrested and in the papers....but going into a room full of guys who - like me - have every reason in the world to stay anonymous - now that's scary!! Hah!! I can be so goofy!
Nu. Kol hascholos kashos.

Perhaps your openness and honesty show that you have faced the truth about yourself enough that this would not be such an issue. You seem to accept the truth about yourself and want to do something about it....though we never know for sure how deeply we accept ourselves until we try to do what we really need to do about it.

Should you decide that "what you need to do about it" includes meetings, I assure you SA doesn't bite. If you decide you don't need that, kol hakavod to you and hatzlocha! You will be matzliach with Hashem's help! Our job seems to mainly be: letting Him help us!
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 09 Mar 2010 21:46 #57206

  • Steve
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just poppin in to say hi, and that i'm thinking of you, ZD.

be well,

Steve
No one is so small that he can not give help, and no one is so big that he doesn't need it.

Kol HaOlam Kulo, Gesher Tzar Meod, V'HaIkkar: Lo L'Pacheid Klal.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 00:02 #57239

  • zalmandovid
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Hey Dov,

Thanks for taking the time to help me. I am truly very grateful. I only recently actually came to terms with my addiction and have just begun to deal with it. I have no doubt that SA meetings would be very beneficial to me. Even if I wouldn't be "found out" as you wrote, the idea of going into a room and speaking with other guys about this issue freaks the hell out of me  It's a whole new level of acceptance. I'm hoping and praying to Hashem that following the handbooks and using all the tools this website has to offer will let me heal from my Lust addiction. I have a very strong determination to succeed. Boruch Hashem I haven't slipped since the beginning of my current clean streak.

What are your thoughts? Have guys come by here and been able to heal without going to SA sessions or therapy?

What do you think? Can I be dating even though I haven't completely overcome this yet? I can't allow my life to stop because of this. Than that just puts my problem back into control. Besides I need to feel normal  and people my age are dating. Maybe I will wait till a month clean.

Can you please explain what it means to "get out of Hashems way and allow him to help us"? Guard actually said the same thing to me in his welcome post to me but I am not so sure I understand what you mean.

One of the issues I have that aggravates the issue and creates triggers is a neediness I have. I have a need deep within my soul like every person to love and feel loved. To express myself and feel that back. Of course the outlet I have chosen until now has failed in that regard very much. I need to figure this out.

So lately I have been feeling down about how this "cancer of the soul" has eaten up so much of my life and about how I am getting older and haven't begun to succeed in my life yet. But I am working on telling myself it is just the Tachbulos Hayetzer. Of course he is trying to get me depressed about whatever he can. Besides I am only 24. I have so much life left to lead and be happy. I am not old yet. I will soon get over this and be on with my life. There is so much to look forward to and I am excited. I will not allow him to get me down. Besides what does he know.

Thank you so much everyone for the time you take to care for your fellow Yid. I am truly grateful.
Next time hopefully I will post a Dvar Torah as well.

I am so grateful
-Zalmandovid

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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 01:39 #57249

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Is it unrealistic of me to think that I can stop cold turkey. I want this streak to end it all. Am I just a fool?
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 04:53 #57274

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If you think you can stop cold turkey then just do it! I give you a beracha that you are successfull in it.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 15:04 #57342

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I hate cold turkey. I prefer it hot & juicy.

ZD, I'm telling it like it is. WE"RE HUMAN, we're CREATED to make mistakes. If you put too much store in being perfect immediately, then if you do fall you'll be so depressed you'll fall way down, out through a volcano in China and further down through the atmosphere, and let's hope the moon is in the right position to catch you!

There's a holy woman from the GYE community who fell on like DAY 88 of her first 90 day count. THAT was hard. But she faced it with determination, courage, and creative guts, and shared what she learned from that experience in a beautiful poem she wrote called FALLING LEAVES. That poem was my personal inspiration to understand that this is all about PROGRESS, not PERFECTION, and that Hashem is leading me on this journey of recovery. I have to let go, and TRUST Him to be in control, not me. I don't know where he's leading me, but i know it's in my best interests cuz He LOVES me!

And so even tho I do not want to fall, I am no longer frightened of it. I WILL NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE, a person can not say "oh, I'll sin today, and G-d will forgive me later..." If I ever fall again (and don't think the YH's not trying to get to me) i KNOW it'll be just a glitch in my growth, it's not the real me, I'm much bigger than the fall, much more valuable. I know I'll feel bad, but I'll use that to be more determined and to learn from my mistakes.

You can find that poem on the website somewhere, try doing a search for Falling Leaves on the GYE home page. Please read it and INTERNALIZE it. It could be the key to your success.

No one is so small that he can not give help, and no one is so big that he doesn't need it.

Kol HaOlam Kulo, Gesher Tzar Meod, V'HaIkkar: Lo L'Pacheid Klal.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 17:04 #57375

  • silentbattle
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Well said, Steve (as always!)!

I think that you can be clean from right now - and you have been, and you're moving forward! Go for it. The yetzer hora can do all sorts of things to try and get you down (including making you fall), but no matter what, don't give in! You're growing, and you're gonna keep growing!

As far as dating...You definitely shouldn't put your whole life on hold, but I can definitely say that taking a break from dating for a little while as you deal with this - worth it! Difficult, but very worthwhile.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 10 Mar 2010 19:03 #57399

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zalmandovid wrote on 10 Mar 2010 00:02:
Thanks for taking the time to help me. I am truly very grateful. I only recently actually came to terms with my addiction and have just begun to deal with it. I have no doubt that SA meetings would be very beneficial to me. Even if I wouldn't be "found out" as you wrote, the idea of going into a room and speaking with other guys about this issue freaks the hell out of me  It's a whole new level of acceptance.Yup. It is.
Have guys come by here and been able to heal without going to SA sessions or therapy? You hit the nail on the head, as far as i am concerned: If you accept the true nature of your problem deeply and simply enough, why wouldn't using the handbooks in this chevra be enough for you? I cannot suggest that because I never tried it, and went to SA from the start. But others may have. Let them do the talking, better.
But, ZalmanDovid, if you find that this problem dogs you, and you "recover" by making tons of cheshboinos - while still acting out on your lust, c"v - I'd consider cranking the acceptance up by any means necessary, SA being a relatively safe choice. You deserve it. The question we need to ask ourselves is: is more of my mishegaa's/addiction actually safer than going to SA/a shrink/whatever?


What do you think? Can I be dating even though I haven't completely overcome this yet? Completely overcome?I can't allow my life to stop because of this. Then that just puts my problem back into control. Is taking Metamucil to cure my chronic constipation "putting my life on hold"? Is my colon in control of my life because I am taking good care of it?Besides, I need to feel normal and people my age are dating. The real question is "can you date normally without being 'normal'?" But let's not go that far amigo! Who's really "normal", anyway? This question is a deep and sensitive one that is best answered together with a close mentor or sponsor. Perhaps a shrink. Obviously, dating is great, but so is recovery. There is no Limbo-bar here for you to crawl under. You need to get clear on your ability to date safely and successfully. If you can do it, then do it! Maybe I will wait till a month clean.Kind of arbitrary - why should your whims and some external dateline be in charge of that decision? What about your seichel? Youv'e got some, and can get some help, too. See the previous comment in blue, please.

Can you please explain what it means to "get out of Hashems way and allow him to help us"? Guard actually said the same thing to me in his welcome post to me but I am not so sure I understand what you mean.Stop asking so many questions! ....just kidding.
To me, "getting out of His way" is something we slowly begin to do in recovery. Using schmuts is our way of staying in control. Arranging to get exactly what we want when we want it, avoiding pain whenever we wish, and manipulating the environment to make it exciting when we are bored! Yippee. We essentially replace G-d. We serve Lust, because it is pretty reliable. Especially the bodily part of it. Y'know, put my "quarter" in, and voila! I can make it happen. Oy vei, gevalt. Eventually it becomes a daily, full-time precoccupation. A hidden life of private moments with complete devotion, even with sacrifice, expence, and pain.
Y'know....it sounds just like our yiddishkeit is supposed to be: hatzneyah leches im Hashem Elokecha, korban tomid, mitzvos t'midios, mesiras nefesh, etc. Uh oh.
Recovery turns this around and we sail in the other direction, for real, not just on the outside...no more hypocrisy. Failure and imperfection, yes...but not hypocrisy.


One of the issues I have that aggravates the issue and creates triggers is a neediness I have. I have a need deep within my soul like every person to love and feel loved. To express myself and feel that back. Of course the outlet I have chosen until now has failed in that regard very much. I need to figure this out.Goo luck. If you like, check out what I posted to "tried 123" yesterday 03/09/10 about figuring stuff out. You may find that you can find what you crave, but do it safely - and consider understanding less and doing more.

So lately I have been feeling down about how this "cancer of the soul" has eaten up so much of my life and about how I am getting older and haven't begun to succeed in my life yet. But I am working on telling myself it is just the Tachbulos Hayetzer. Of course he is trying to get me depressed about whatever he can. Besides I am only 24. I have so much life left to lead and be happy. I am not old yet. I will soon get over this and be on with my life. There is so much to look forward to and I am excited. I will not allow him to get me down. Besides what does he know.Just get started od really doing whatever is best for you right now, and let Hashem guide your life, He's smarter than even you! In other words, get out of His way! Hope this was helpful lema'aseh for you.
Love,
Dov


Thank you so much everyone for the time you take to care for your fellow Yid. I am truly grateful.
Next time hopefully I will post a Dvar Torah as well.

I am so grateful
-Zalmandovid
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 00:32 #57450

  • zalmandovid
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I love you Dov. You are a true friend. Thank you for taking the time to give me such a full answer.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 01:09 #57452

  • zalmandovid
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Steve,

You wrote that Hashem really has my best interests in mind because he LOVES me. That is a little hard to understand sometimes. I know he knows me very well, for he is g-d the know-it-all. He definitely thinks I am worthwhile and important because he put me here in this world. He definitely likes himself. I have a part of him as my soul, so therefore retroactively he loves me. He doesn't like my sins that's for sure. He doesn't like my imperfections. I think he accepts me more than really genuinely loves me. He probably really wants me to be good and get closer to him. Maybe when I am pure enough he will really love me.

OK fine he loves me. It would be nice to feel it though once in a while.

So from everyones answers I have realized that conquering this evil will take more than just working on where I look, what I do, where I go, how I feel (lifestyle changes). It is most important how I think. I must change the way I view my role in this world, and the way g-d views me. What am I doing in this world? What have I come here for? What is my true purpose? It is a complete revamp of the way I interact with the world. Why does everything have to be so cataclysmic? Why all the drama? Is G-d a drama junkie?

Now that I think back, the way I was able to achieve that (almost a) month streak was because my relationship with Hashem was so strong. We were on speaking terms than. Than I fell and sunk . I want to be on speaking terms again. I guess Ill just talk to him.

Thanks for listening.

BTW My Goal: Ninety Days. I want it bad. I want it now. I can do it (With Hashems help).
Last Edit: 11 Mar 2010 01:25 by .

Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 02:00 #57459

  • bardichev
ZD

Lemme jump into the fray

DRAMA junkie??

Yes life is very complex

Yes it is

But but do we ever stop and take notice how much has to go right in order to " make it thru the day"

Physically and emotionally

If we stop and think about the brachos we say every morning

Pokeach ivrim
Malbish aroomim

Matir asurim

zokef kefufim

We nEed to chap a tentsill

How many people get strokes, bells palsy,even gout or an ingrown toenail

And BOOM no work no fun

We really are so fragile!

Its not DRAMA

G-D is merely trying to get our attention

He is saying

Knock
 

Knock...

Anyone home??!!!

Gevaldiggggggggg!!!!
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 02:39 #57466

  • silentbattle
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I love the intellectual stuff...but I think Dov would say that now is the time to primarily work on just surviving, getting yourself healthy.

As far as god loving me? If he didn't love me, he wouldn't have created me. My very existence is an expression of god's love, his desire to give to me.

Feeling it? In all honesty, that's very much a matter of our opening our eyes to see it. Just to give you an example - check out my thread (if you haven't already - I like people dropping by and giving me chizuk). My rebbe found out about everything I was involved in. It seems horrible, right? But really, it was ther biggest hug I could ever have gotten from hashem!

So often, there are different ways we can look at things. Sometimes it's more difficult, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes it's easy, but we don't see how easy it is
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 13:41 #57513

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Welcome to GYE, Zalmandovid.

It really sounds like you are trying to be honest with yourself, and that you earnestly want to improve.  It sounds like you are sincerely interested in trying out new possibilities for treatment.  It also sounds like your worries of repercussions are quite normal, and it sounds like you're not hiding behind them--if you get some reassurance that there's nothing to worry about, you'll be open minded.

You've got all the right ingredients for recovery!  I wish you lots of luck.

  --Eye.

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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 11 Mar 2010 14:08 #57521

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zalmandovid wrote on 11 Mar 2010 01:09:
BTW My Goal: Ninety Days. I want it bad. I want it now. I can do it (With Hashems help).


No you can't have 90 days now. You can only get today now.
And that's a huge, sickening, and important fact of life.
Now have a nice "day".
Admin put these lines here cuz he likes 'em:
"The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough"
"Get off the 18-Wheeler and onto a tricycle!"
"The heck with me, what can I do for you?"
"I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons!"
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