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Regular Kollel Guy 23 Jun 2022 03:47 #382301

I wanted to introduce myself. I am a regular kollel guy. I have a beautiful family and a great marriage! I am a good dad and a loving and kind husband. However I struggle occasionally with porn and masturbation. I can go weeks and months without much difficulty basically because I am busy learning and raising my family. Then I will have some triggers and serious temptation and fall only to pick myself up again after a day or two and start all over again.
Recently I fell after an over 100 day streak and decided to start posting to help with my struggle. I have been on this special website many times and have gained tremendously from this site. In particular I have learned so much from other guys posts. I have picked up tons of insight and knowledge into the difficulties of this struggle plus skills and tools to fight the battle. THANK YOU! 
Some of the guys who post are true experts in understanding people and human relationships. There is real chochma and seichel hayashar to be found here. Please keep posting. 
Too be continued....

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 23 Jun 2022 11:54 #382324

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Welcome! Please check out these great free resources: 
ebook- The Battle of the Generation 
Audio series- The Fight
They're very good to start with.
See below in my signature for the links.

​Hatzlocha!
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 23 Jun 2022 13:39 #382327

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Welcome!  Stay connected and continuing posting

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 24 Jun 2022 04:51 #382389

Thanks! I have a question which I constantly worry about. Here goes. I take learning very seriously. It is the most important thing in my life. I feel though that all my learning is tainted and pasul because I don't maintain the proper level of kedusha. This is a crushing and terrifying concept to me. The question is how true or false are these thoughts?

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 24 Jun 2022 09:34 #382404

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Welcome to the forum
Regarding your query there are many far more qualified then me to comment on this. The short answer is definitely not. If you haven't done already I would highly recommend listening to Rav Moshe Weinberger who discusses this inyan in depth especially in his Chabura of Yosef Hatzaddik. 
www.yutorah.org/search/?teacher=80208&collection=5534

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and have a wonderful Shabbos!
Last Edit: 24 Jun 2022 09:35 by taherlibeinu.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 24 Jun 2022 14:13 #382414

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regular kollel guy wrote on 24 Jun 2022 04:51:
Thanks! I have a question which I constantly worry about. Here goes. I take learning very seriously. It is the most important thing in my life. I feel though that all my learning is tainted and pasul because I don't maintain the proper level of kedusha. This is a crushing and terrifying concept to me. The question is how true or false are these thoughts?

You are raising a very important question which many people struggle with this concept. 

I'll write here a few sources that will help clarify the topis BE"H.

The Steipler Gaon with his deep wisdom and understanding of the truth, wrote the following:

הספרים הקדושים מתוך כוונה לעצור בעד החוטא כתבו בביאור עצום איך שע״י זה נחטפים ר״ל זכויותיו היינו לא עצם זכיותיו אלא ההשפעה וקיצרו לבאר צד השני דהיינו אע״פ שכמה פעמים נכשל ר״ל מ״מ אם לעומת זה הרבה פעמים מנצח ומתגבר על התאווה אז באותו פעם שמתגבר על התאווה הבוערת בו באופן נורא הרי הוא ממשיך אור הקדושה על עצמו ועל העולמות באופן קדוש מאוד מאוד, וחלק גדול מאוד מהניצוצות הקדושות [מה שנחטף השפע להס“א] הרי הוא מוציאם ומחזירם לקדושה ואין לשער גודל רוממות קדושת זה האדם הכובש את תאוותו בזמן תוקפו והוא אז בבחינת יוסף הצדיק. והכלל אדם שיש לו מלחמת היצר ופעמים מנצח פעמים נכשל הרי כמו שהחטא נורא ואיום, לעומתו [ע״י שמנצח הרבה פעמים] זכותו הוא נורא ואיום מאד ויזכה עי״ז לתקן בחייו את מה שפגם ולהחזיר לצד הקדושה כל הניצוצות הקדושות שנעשקו ע״י עוונותיו ר״ל.

Like Yosef HaTzaddik Though one has stumbled many times [in these matters], r”l, nevertheless, if many times he has succeeded in overcoming his passion and prevailed over the powerful lust that burned within him, then he has drawn a radiance of holiness upon himself and upon the upper worlds in a very loftyway. He has succeeded in bringing back to the side of holiness many of the sacred sparks that were snatched away by the Sitra Achara [i.e., the Satan]. One cannot measure the exalted level of holiness of this individual who restrained his passion when it burned within him. At that moment, he is like Yosef HaTzaddik. In summation: Regarding someone who is involved in a struggle with his yetzer hara in which he sometimes is victorious and sometimes is defeated, r”l, just as the sin is awesome, so correspondingly [by being victorious many times] his merit is exceedingly awesome, and he will merit through this to repair in his lifetime the spiritual damage. And he will bring back to the side of holiness all the holy sparks that that were snatched away due to his sins

------------------------------

Sefer Tomer Devorah
(from the Arizal's teacher, the holy Rav Moshe Cordovero ZT"L)

The eighth: "He suppresses our iniquities (immoral or grossly unfair behavior)"
The iniquities do not have passage there, God forbid. Rather, He suppresses them, such that they do not enter - as it is written (Psalms 5:5), "evil does not dwell [with] You ( yegurcha )"; evil shall not dwell in Your domicile ( megurcha ). If so, the iniquity does not enter inside.

Hashem does not say, "He did forty commandments and ten sins; there remain thirty and the [other] ten go [away] with the ten" - God forbid! This is a great kindness that the Holy One, blessed be He, does with the righteous ones - that he does not reduce [the reward], as the commandments are very important and climb until [they reach] in front of Him. The Holy One, blessed be He, collects the debt of the sins and pays the reward of all of the commandments. And this is [the meaning of] "He suppresses our iniquities" - that the iniquities do not intensify in front of Him, like the commandments. Rather He suppresses them that they should not rise and not enter - even as He is supervising over the ways of a man, good and bad. Nonetheless, He does not suppress the good, but rather it blossoms and climbs until [it grows] very much. And [so] one commandment is grouped together with [another] commandment and a great edifice is built, and a fine suit [is formed]. But iniquities do not have this special quality, but He rather suppresses them, that they should not have this success, and [not] enter inside [in front of Him].

------------------------------

I hope this gives some clarity and chizzuk.
Stay Strong!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 24 Jun 2022 14:14 by DavidT.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 24 Jun 2022 17:11 #382422

regular kollel guy wrote on 24 Jun 2022 04:51:
Thanks! I have a question which I constantly worry about. Here goes. I take learning very seriously. It is the most important thing in my life. I feel though that all my learning is tainted and pasul because I don't maintain the proper level of kedusha. This is a crushing and terrifying concept to me. The question is how true or false are these thoughts?

There's a book I recently bought that deals with the inyan of shemirat kedusha which addresses what you're asking about. It's called Sefer Zot Briti (zos brisi) and there are many gedolim that endorse the book like Rav Chaim zt'l. It's a really good buy for chizuk in this area. It's a very uplifting book and I think you should give it read to address the thoughts you're having. It's available on Feldheim in english and hebrew editions.
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Re: Regular Kollel Guy 29 Jun 2022 03:35 #382586

Thank you for all those sources and chizuk! I still feel down because I feel an entire zman is somewhat ruined by falling even once during the zman. One of my goals is to learn betahara for an entire zman. Looking forward to accomplishing that in the near future

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 29 Jun 2022 12:30 #382594

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regular kollel guy wrote on 29 Jun 2022 03:35:
Thank you for all those sources and chizuk! I still feel down because I feel an entire zman is somewhat ruined by falling even once during the zman. One of my goals is to learn betahara for an entire zman. Looking forward to accomplishing that in the near future

The way to know if that feeling comes from the yetzer hara or the yetzer tov is to ask yourself- does this feeling make me feel energized and uplifted or does it make me feel down and dejected.  If it is telling you that your Zman is somewhat ruined it is without question the yetzer hara trying to trap you. Shut that thought out and move forward with simcha at the fact that you will not let a temporary hiccup stop you and you are determined to stay on the right path.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
Last Edit: 29 Jun 2022 12:30 by Vehkam.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 29 Jun 2022 13:43 #382603

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Thanks! I have a question which I constantly worry about. Here goes. I take learning very seriously. It is the most important thing in my life. I feel though that all my learning is tainted and pasul because I don't maintain the proper level of kedusha. This is a crushing and terrifying concept to me. The question is how true or false are these thoughts?Many different mehalchim in this. Chazon ish has stuff to say on it (floats around on this wesbite regularly). 



Personally, I would say (based on my own learning) that I doubt it. Unless you take the most extreme kabbolo approach, Hashem want's you to learn. Feel guilt for an aeviro, but don't write off your achievements. 
Sex is a Thneed
A Thneed is something that everyone needs.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 29 Jun 2022 15:38 #382608

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Thank you for all those sources and chizuk! I still feel down because I feel an entire zman is somewhat ruined by falling even once during the zman. One of my goals is to learn betahara for an entire zman. Looking forward to accomplishing that in the near futureThe way to know if that feeling comes from the yetzer hara or the yetzer tov is to ask yourself- does this feeling make me feel energized and uplifted or does it make me feel down and dejected.  If it is telling you that your Zman is somewhat ruined it is without question the yetzer hara trying to trap you. Shut that thought out and move forward with simcha at the fact that you will not let a temporary hiccup stop you and you are determined to stay on the right path.Sorry to disagree Vehkam - but feelings are notoriously fickle. Feeling energized isn't proof of much except that you're awake. 
Sex is a Thneed
A Thneed is something that everyone needs.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 29 Jun 2022 17:32 #382619

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bego wrote on 29 Jun 2022 15:38:
Thank you for all those sources and chizuk! I still feel down because I feel an entire zman is somewhat ruined by falling even once during the zman. One of my goals is to learn betahara for an entire zman. Looking forward to accomplishing that in the near futureThe way to know if that feeling comes from the yetzer hara or the yetzer tov is to ask yourself- does this feeling make me feel energized and uplifted or does it make me feel down and dejected.  If it is telling you that your Zman is somewhat ruined it is without question the yetzer hara trying to trap you. Shut that thought out and move forward with simcha at the fact that you will not let a temporary hiccup stop you and you are determined to stay on the right path.Sorry to disagree Vehkam - but feelings are notoriously fickle. Feeling energized isn't proof of much except that you're awake. 

perhaps energized is the wrong word.  the exact quote is as follows - from "The Battle of the Generations" page 350 quoting Rabbi Shafier in Shmuz 42 who says this in the name of Rav Dovid Leibowitz zt"l. (similar to the Ramchal's messge in chapter 20 of Mesillas Yesharim)

"The secret is to determine whether our feelings cause us to serve hashem better or worse. Does this voice get you to act and learn with zeal, or does it get you depressed? After the speech is over, do you feel motivated to succeed or are you uninterested in doing anything? Do you feel capable of becoming the person you want to be, or do you feel worthless?"
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 30 Jun 2022 00:39 #382636

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regular kollel guy wrote on 29 Jun 2022 03:35:
Thank you for all those sources and chizuk! I still feel down because I feel an entire zman is somewhat ruined by falling even once during the zman. One of my goals is to learn betahara for an entire zman. Looking forward to accomplishing that in the near future

This self stigma approach, canceling a "zeman" because of a fall, even one fall, has more to do about image, self image, then torah or kedusha, think about it, it can be very destructive. We need to stop putting our image front and center, and do what's right at the moment. You're doing great keep it up, and don't look back.
Aka -  Mischadeish075

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 30 Jun 2022 15:58 #382659

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Vehkam, I don't know if I fully comprehend you. It sounds like you are saying that it is irrelevant what happened and what you are thinking about, just think about the future. Use all the thoughts that are inspiring you to move forward, and ignore the ones holding you back.

If this is correct, why can't I use that same thought and even if it is right now depressing me, maybe my goal is to channel it to grow. For example, guilt often slows people down. Instead of ignoring this feeling, learn to channel the feeling for growth.

Re: Regular Kollel Guy 30 Jun 2022 16:22 #382664

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Use all your thoughts that are inspiring you to move forward and ignore the ones holding you back is correct.

If you channel guilt to propel you to growth in a positive way then you have inherently moved on from the guilt feeling.

If you are using potential guilt to prevent a future fall then you are using guilt in a positive way.

If you are using guilt to feel like all the work you put in in the past is now flawed then that is the voice of the yetzer hara.
vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me.  Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.



some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me.  This is ok.  I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves.  If you do realize that you  know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.
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