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ok let me try this again
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TOPIC: ok let me try this again 1274 Views

Re: ok let me try this again 23 Nov 2020 20:37 #357726

  • Sapy
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Hi Buddy, 
I really dont understand, you wanna stop or not? Do you realize that its harming you or not? If you wanna justify your acting out, go ahead... I can add more reasons if you want... 
Sorry for being blunt, just dont understand 
(maybe she says the same on a women's forum "hes acting out, so I am justifying to make bad decisions for our family...)
Last Edit: 23 Nov 2020 20:40 by Sapy.

Re: ok let me try this again 23 Nov 2020 21:07 #357727

  • wilnevergiveup
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5770 wrote on 23 Nov 2020 19:29:
After many years of growing apart (thank you internet which made it super easy) i've realised that i also blame my wife for stuff (whether justified or non-justified) and then act out....as compensation.  Of course, a braver man would go off to another woman, but not me

Twisted logic huh?

What's the difference? (yeah I know they are different...)

What do you define as brave?

 ...therefore I am justfied to strike back using porn/etc.


That would depend on how you want the story to end...
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: ok let me try this again 23 Nov 2020 21:42 #357729

  • Grant400
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5770 wrote on 23 Nov 2020 20:05:
I can justify any behavior of mine as follows: she makes bad decisions for our family (poor parenting skills for example, etc) therefore I am justfied to strike back using porn/etc.

*EDITED*

I understand you are explaining that this is a result of twisted thinking and do not subscribe to it whatsoever. But I want to use this opportunity to address this important point you made.

There are times when a husband can feel like that. When he feels frustrated or angry he can think in that way. Feeling distant from his wife, and not bound to loyalty, just as she didn't practice the loyalty that is expected (maybe). But this is so wrong and comes from not viewing marriage with the right perspective

If a man comes to me and tells me that his wife is not adequately supplying relief for his sexual tension, then I can understand why a sex starved man has a warped perception and might compensate with pornography. But every time we don't like something our wife says or does, does that give one the liberty to sit by a screen gaping at other women's private parts? We must pay attention to the fact that marriage isn't feel good self-satisfying relationship. Everything isn't about us and if we are not happy then we can't completely disown our wives, degrade and erase our entire agreement of marriage.

What does our kesubah say? "I commit myself to this woman on condition she is 100% successful in supplying my depraved selfish needs, if not I will go behind her back and have virtual sex with thousands of other women". I do. I do. You may kiss you machine of base, animalistic, selfish desires." Of course not! Deep inside we know this. We must internalize this.

Let us keep this in mind and work on ourselves to remain proper and great husbands through thick and thin.


                                     Grant
Last Edit: 23 Nov 2020 23:42 by Grant400.

Re: ok let me try this again 24 Nov 2020 02:37 #357739

  • 5770
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During a particularly self-indulgent, low spot today I made a list of all the things that are wrong in my little world right now.  I didn't just vaguely ponder on this list, I actually wrote it down. Wow..pathetic right? Yeah for sure.  I get that.  This was a pretty impressive list -  everything from health issues, age, marriage, kids, parnossa, porn/maturbation, etc., etc. 

So I am reading on the forum (and thanks for your messages and replies by the way) and I am thinking that right now .. far from acting out being the hardest thing to fix, maybe it is possibly they ONE area I can fix a little bit, every day.  And that's still good, right?

What  I mean to say: it's a seriously big list I wrote, I won't bore you.  But   today I cannot fix any of these items.  BUt....I just clicked on "STILL CLEAN" right now so maybe I can still fix something, despite everything.

Anyway gentlemen thank you and good evening.
-y

Re: ok let me try this again 24 Nov 2020 05:46 #357747

  • wilnevergiveup
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5770 wrote on 24 Nov 2020 02:37:
During a particularly self-indulgent, low spot today I made a list of all the things that are wrong in my little world right now...
So I am reading on the forum (and thanks for your messages and replies by the way) and I am thinking that right now .. far from acting out being the hardest thing to fix, maybe it is possibly they ONE area I can fix a little bit, every day.  And that's still good, right?

What  I mean to say: it's a seriously big list I wrote, I won't bore you.  But   today I cannot fix any of these items.  BUt....I just clicked on "STILL CLEAN" right now so maybe I can still fix something, despite everything.

100% if you can fix one thing you and you focus on that, you are surely making progress.

The question at hand is when you make that list of all the things that are wrong, what is the purpose? Is it to complain and to justify your betrayal in any of your relationships, be it with your family or with G-d? 

I am not trying to propose anything drastic, I just want to clarify what you are trying to do. Once we have that figured out you can ask yourself if justifying is where you what you really want to be doing. Meaning, What is your goal? What is your goal of being here on GYE and what are your goals in things like marriage and relationships with yourself. 

What I am proposing is for you to take some serious time to think about how you want your story to end. 

You have a lot going on, and that can make things rough but it's important to realize that the only way to grow is to take responsibility of what we can control and forget about what we cannot (leave it up to G-d, if you want to be lofty). I know it's hard but letting go of the things that are beyond our control can be extremely liberating. 

You can also make a list of some things that you are grateful for, there's got to be something that's going right. 

My point s that if your goals are to live happy, have a long and fulfilling marriage and a satisfying life, you really have to take control. Not that I know what to do, but I do know what not to. I know that I am miserable what I justify (even rightfully) and I am satisfied when I do everything in my power without expecting anything in return (from G-d too). 

I don't know if this is helpful or not but lets continue the conversation, feel free to disagree, please respond and share your thoughts. 

Lets grow together.

All the best,
Wilnevegiveup
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: ok let me try this again 24 Nov 2020 07:40 #357750

  • Ish MiGrodno
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Not sure why anyone would be critical of you; you are an inspirational guy. While my story differs from yours, I totally relate to it. You are 100% a great person - through and through (Sad thing is that I don't believe the forum oilam when they tell ME that...)
Keep inspiring us, brother.

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 00:58 #357776

  • 5770
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Day 8.family stress levels way up .. the need for escape is compelling!

Never mind.  Day 8 clean.  (yay)

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 01:00 #357777

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just remembering to remind myself how miserable I'll be if I go start poking around the interwebs

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 01:02 #357778

  • Sapy
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Your strength is inspiring!

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 01:12 #357780

  • 5770
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ha! kind of you to say that but i am literally millimeters away from losing my mind here

Inspiring would be the brave husbands who make theiir wives happy, over many years, thick or thin.

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 01:36 #357781

  • Sapy
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And inspiring is also when after making mistakes, you dont just give in and give up, but still try your best to be the best version of yourself!

Re: ok let me try this again 25 Nov 2020 04:48 #357789

  • wilnevergiveup
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5770 wrote on 25 Nov 2020 01:12:
Inspiring would be the brave husbands who make their wives happy, over many years, thick or thin.

Well you seem to do that too, why don't you share with us a little about that as well. Everyone has a good side to them what's yours?

P.S. I think this is a better usage of the word "brave"  .
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 25 Nov 2020 08:15 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: ok let me try this again 26 Nov 2020 01:28 #357809

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I've been reliably informed (by my wife) that I am a good father, but not much of a husband. I hate to say it, but I mostly agree.

OTOH I did make it to Day 9... that is literally my best achievement recently

Re: ok let me try this again 26 Nov 2020 06:14 #357814

  • wilnevergiveup
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5770 wrote on 26 Nov 2020 01:28:
I've been reliably informed (by my wife) that I am a good father, but not much of a husband. I hate to say it, but I mostly agree.

OTOH I did make it to Day 9... that is literally my best achievement recently

Now that is impressive! Wife thinks you are a good father? Not bad, not bad at all!

What do you think drives you to be a good father?

What do you think the difference is between being a good father and a good husband? (There is a good answer but I am curious to hear what you think)

Really random but here is an essay that I found very enlightening, if you can make some time for a little reading, maybe give it a shot.

Oh and the streak? Also great! Care to share how you are managing? What are your strategies, what works and what doesn't.

All the best.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 26 Nov 2020 06:26 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: ok let me try this again 26 Nov 2020 16:07 #357824

  • 5770
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What do you think drives you to be a good father?


Yeah I dont know.  Well i am lucky to be home a lot so they get a lot of attention

What do you think the difference is between being a good father and a good husband?


Wow good question!  I have no idea. It is easy for me to relate to my kids (well, not the female, obviously ) and be a reasonable father.  After all, even a vicious wolf can be a loving parent.

Care to share how you are managing?


I have no better strategy than reading GYE and posting every day. I am almost on Day 10 and I hope this is a sustainable technique.  Using self-guilt is only of value to me AFTER the acting out... so ummm not useful at all


Thank you for writing. I do appreciate it.
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