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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 31 Aug 2020 21:56 #354430

  • aaron1
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YeshivaGuy, I can't explain it, but I find you to be so relatable. Thanks for these play-by-play posts; they're really cool.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 31 Aug 2020 22:09 #354431

  • aaron1
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Aug 2020 23:16:

tikkunhabrit wrote on 30 Aug 2020 21:08:
[...]
You won't be able to see any images now. You can turn it on any time you want.
[...]

it seems like it can be turned on or off whenever u want, in which case it seems pretty pointless...

I know how to turn off all ~6 layers of my current filter arrangement (I'm the one who set it up!), but I find that my YH can be surprisingly lazy. The quickest path I'm aware of requires two layers to go down, which still requires at least 30 seconds of focused thinking. My YH hates focused thinking.

So, no, I don't think it's pointless. There is actually one mixed-content site I disable images.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 01 Sep 2020 04:10 #354458

  • yeshivaguy
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Hey, so I’ll be honest with what I’ve been doing for the last 3’ish days.
Been doing the “act” that would lead to masterbating but then holding back so the zera won’t come out.

Im against it cuz:
#1: it’s bound to come out at some point
#2: It’s made me feel more ok with thinking bad thoughts, that like, as long as the zera doesn’t come out I’m good
#3: Self indulgence is such a horrible selfish mida!
- So I’m saying this all really to myself, and posting it here to get it in my head, that just cuz zera doesn’t come out doesn’t mean I’m still “doing my best”
And just because my body may be “clean” from the maase of hotzoas zera, doesn’t mean my mind, thoughts, and neshama are clean.

Anyway, thanks for listening!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 01 Sep 2020 13:40 #354469

  • dave m
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 01 Sep 2020 04:10:
Hey, so I’ll be honest with what I’ve been doing for the last 3’ish days.
Been doing the “act” that would lead to masterbating but then holding back so the zera won’t come out.

Im against it cuz:
#1: it’s bound to come out at some point
#2: It’s made me feel more ok with thinking bad thoughts, that like, as long as the zera doesn’t come out I’m good
#3: Self indulgence is such a horrible selfish mida!
- So I’m saying this all really to myself, and posting it here to get it in my head, that just cuz zera doesn’t come out doesn’t mean I’m still “doing my best”
And just because my body may be “clean” from the maase of hotzoas zera, doesn’t mean my mind, thoughts, and neshama are clean.

Anyway, thanks for listening!

I've played that game as well.  They all eventually end the same way. 

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 01 Sep 2020 14:40 #354476

  • grant400
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Firstly, it always ends with reaching the point of no return somewhere along the way. 

Also, it's assur to be "מקשה עצמו לדעת " which means that causing an erection not for the intent of doing a mitzvah is assur.

Mainly, at the end of the day, all it does is make it much harder. The constant stimulation causes unreleased tension to built up, which makes it so much harder to be clean in the long run. It's all a ploy by the yetzer hara to convince you that "it ain't so bad...you're not actually ejaculating" but all it does is it causes you to shoot yourself in the nose to spite your face.

You know the truth already, I guess it's helpful to hear it from someone else. Hatzlach!

                               Grant 

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 01 Sep 2020 23:26 #354499

  • Hashem Help Me
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Face it, it is tough to give up a pacifier. So we start and stop and start and stop - teasing ourselves crazy. Then we use a sheet/cloth instead of our hands...then we try to do it without any physical stimulation, just imagining the worst shmutz we can conjure up.....  Buddy, just call it quits. A little withdrawal and some urges from time to time but you get into control....b'ezras Hashem. Hatzlocha.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 02 Sep 2020 00:40 #354509

  • yeshivaguy
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Also, it's assur to be "מקשה עצמו לדעת " which means that causing an erection not for the intent of doing a mitzvah is assur.

Wow, I never knew that Halacha. Thank you so much

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 02 Sep 2020 00:42 #354510

  • yeshivaguy
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Soo true, I’ve done the same over the years...
yup ur right.
Thanks

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 02 Sep 2020 01:53 #354515

  • Meyer M.
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 01 Sep 2020 23:26:
Face it, it is tough to give up a pacifier. So we start and stop and start and stop - teasing ourselves crazy. Then we use a sheet/cloth instead of our hands...then we try to do it without any physical stimulation, just imagining the worst shmutz we can conjure up.....  Buddy, just call it quits. A little withdrawal and some urges from time to time but you get into control....b'ezras Hashem. Hatzlocha.

Hey! This guy knows something!  Too relatable for me. So because I’m out of that phase we can all laugh about it. Right? 

Peace out. 
Your best teacher for success is your last mistake

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 02 Sep 2020 10:01 #354521

YeshivaGuy wrote on 01 Sep 2020 04:10:
Hey, so I’ll be honest with what I’ve been doing for the last 3’ish days.
Been doing the “act” that would lead to masterbating but then holding back so the zera won’t come out.

Im against it cuz:
#1: it’s bound to come out at some point
#2: It’s made me feel more ok with thinking bad thoughts, that like, as long as the zera doesn’t come out I’m good
#3: Self indulgence is such a horrible selfish mida!
- So I’m saying this all really to myself, and posting it here to get it in my head, that just cuz zera doesn’t come out doesn’t mean I’m still “doing my best”
And just because my body may be “clean” from the maase of hotzoas zera, doesn’t mean my mind, thoughts, and neshama are clean.

Anyway, thanks for listening!

As the others have all said, this is so true. So so true.

I've done a more extreme and less extreme version of this to. The more extreme was quite recently, I tried to convince myself its better if I 'injaculate.' This is where one actually releases the sperm, but it doesn't exit the body, it goes into the bloodstream and exits as urine. It felt less like the issur. Obviously this makes no sense, but as I said, its a more extreme version of rationalizing 'if actual sperm doesn't come out its O.K. right' as opposed to realizing the whole process is the issue. (Oh and by the way, injaculation I found out can cause sterile issues in men, so big no no.)

I've also done a less extreme version. Many times I won't even masturbate, just fantasize. What am I doing? Impure thoughts is all! But ultimately, my clean streaks only ever come when I drop those fantasies. Because they're setting me up to fail.

One last point. The gemara says its assur to touch ones member while going to the toilet. But it goes further. It talks about how even if because he didn't direct his urine properly, some gets on his shoes, and people think he has a terrible illness that means he can't reproduce properly, leading to the assumption his children are all mamzarim - better that then be a rasha before Hashem for even one moment! (I heard this, haven't seen it inside, so I can't vouch its all true, but the idea is there - we have to stay away even from that which will encourage us to sin.)

Much hatzlocha.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Sep 2020 01:08 #354539

  • yeshivaguy
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Soo so hard right now. 
I’ll hold back, but just for u guys.
I’ll drag myself to nightseder, though it’s the last thing now on my mind...
uch

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Sep 2020 01:25 #354541

  • yeshivaguy
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Just some thoughts:
Ive had enough of all this garbage.
Enough of all this flirting with my Yetzer.
I really don’t care anymore about that stupid thing.
Im gonna go make a coffee and learn.
I don’t got time for this trash.
Im shteiging in Learning, shiur is going amazing, and I have a beautiful future ahead of me!
Cmon! I have such kochos! No more lying around in bed during dinner frolicking with my taivas.
Its time for me to take a stand and act.
No more being worried that I’ll “burn out”
Better I burn “here” than “there”!

see ya guys! I’m gonna go take control of my life.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Sep 2020 01:41 #354542

  • grant400
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Sep 2020 01:25:
Just some thoughts:
Ive had enough of all this garbage.
Enough of all this flirting with my Yetzer.
I really don’t care anymore about that stupid thing.
Im gonna go make a coffee and learn.
I don’t got time for this trash.
Im shteiging in Learning, shiur is going amazing, and I have a beautiful future ahead of me!
Cmon! I have such kochos! No more lying around in bed during dinner frolicking with my taivas.
Its time for me to take a stand and act.
No more being worried that I’ll “burn out”
Better I burn “here” than “there”!

see ya guys! I’m gonna go take control of my life.

Music. Beautiful music to my ears (eyes?). Thank you.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Sep 2020 23:58 #354581

  • yeshivaguy
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Here’s a letter I just found that I wrote to myself 3 years ago (it’s written as my Neshama writing to me)- September 10 2017:

Dearest (name withheld),

I must tell you, it's been a long journey. Together we connected with HaShem against all odds at a young age. Together we conquered insurmountable nisyonos and challenges. We've touched countless lives and truly formed a close relationship with HaShem.

However, as you know, it hasn't always been easy for us. We've done a lot of aveiros which have distanced us from HaShem. We've given into meaningless vanities-harming much that we've accomplished all these years. And most importantly, this has led to barriers between us and Avinu Shebashamayim.

It's very painful for me to recollect all the pain I've endured. I'm aware that over time the guf becomes immune to an extent, to all the hester panim, darkness, that's been caused. But you should know, I still feel pain. And right now I'm in a lot of pain. You see, I stem from the highest place imaginable, under the kisei hakavod, so I'm not used to such horrible things.

So, I know right now, due to your sins, you don't really feel your, let alone my, pain. But you should know that you still have a soul that has feeling. You should know that your neshama still cries out to HaShem Yisborach even though you can't hear it.

So please don't think you've lost everything. Of course, tremendous damage has been done, but you should know that HaShem still wants you.
I know, it's hard to believe. But hear me out. We could both agree that your soul is greatly pained even though you currently don't feel it. You understand that you can't feel your souls pain due to the barriers you've made between your body and neshama.

Why, then, is it so hard for you to realize that HaShem remains your loving, adoring father standing behind the barriers you've put up? Do you doubt the patience of HaShem? Do you doubt the power of teshuva? 

I know, it's already Elul, and you feel you've betrayed HaShem at this pivotal time. But just think about it. Imagine a wife upsets her husband a week before their anniversary. Certainly the husband would readily forgive his wife EXACTLY BECAUSE ITS RIGHT NEAR THEIR ANNIVERSARY! Because this is a time when his love for his wife almost overshadows all harm she may cause. From the wife's point of view, of course, because her love for her husband is heightened at this time, will feel she is betraying her spouse all the more. Nonetheless, the husbands love overshadows all her wrongdoings.

The same is here. You, (name withheld), truly love HaShem Yisborach. So when you "betray" HIM with aveiros you feel all the more bad at this time of Ani Ledodi vDodi Li. But, you need to understand, that particularly at this time, HaShem views you with extra "eyes" of love. So one can almost say that HaShems all-encompassing love for you, overshadows your wrongdoings. Of course, what you've done is utterly horrible. But you need to understand that HaShem doesn't want these barriers separating you two anymore. HaShem is on HIS throne of mercy, and is calling you to make up. So I know it doesn't feel this way. I know you feel utterly helpless and unwanted by HaShem. But now your nisayon is to have Emuna in the "arm" of HaShem to pull you out of this predicament though you've fallen so many times.

So in summary, it truly has been my greatest honor to be your Neshama. And I greatly anticipate growing more in the future. Please just do me, Klall Yisroel, and all of existence a favor.

Please don't give up. You are one of the last worriers of HaShem at this time. And you have no idea how prized you are in Shamayim. I know all you see now is your faults. But trust me, you are really big. You have the koach to overturn the entire world. That's why the yetzer works tirelessly so hard to destroy you.

So hold on tight and stay strong.

Evermore yours,

Your Neshama

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 04 Sep 2020 00:37 #354582

  • dave m
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Wow.  Have you ever shared this with anyone?  Very mature outlook.
Last Edit: 04 Sep 2020 00:38 by dave m.
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